“Well it has been a long engagement, hasn’t it…”

[Chubarubrub]

I saw extended family today and I got this comment.

“Well it has been a long engagement hasn’t it…”

as well as:

”Are we going to get a Wedding then or are you just going to stay engaged?”

DP and I got engaged in Feb 2020, just before COVID kicked off, we didn’t want the mess around we saw others dealing with so thought we’d wait until things improved and then would start planning.

We started looking last Christmas for venues but then decided we wanted to have the holiday of a lifetime first (for us this is a road trip across America) so started planning this instead.

This prompted an immediate negative reaction from DM who oddly took me aside and asked if ‘I’m sure that DP really wants to get married’ 😡 one of my friends actually insinuated the same, when it was a joint decision!!

We are putting off planning the Wedding now until after the Summer, which seems to have rattled some cages.

Then today I got the above comments from two separate family members, which irritated me even more.

I just laughed it off and said ‘I’m not sure why people are more obsessed with us getting married than we are’ and left it at that, apparently that was rude, but I’m so annoyed:

1. Was that rude?
2. Is this really such a looong engagement? Especially with the pandemic etc. (I know lots of people got married but it was our choice to wait)
3. Even if it is, who’s business is it except ours?
4. Why do some people assume that the decision isn’t mine and that I’m not a woman who can equally make decisions with DP.
5. ”are WE going to get a wedding?” ?? But it’s not about you. Why don’t you get married - for the fourth time. (Ok I thought this, I didn’t say it)

Actually I’m not sure what my AIBU is about, I’m just annoyed.

Why are people so obsessed with when other people get married or whether they get married at all. Also strangely, every question has been put to me, because obviously as the woman I’m the one just dying to get married and if we are not it means DP doesn’t want to… not that we both decided this as a team.

I thought this was 2022 not 1922?

I don't think 2 years is a long time these days for an engagement, especially not after a world-wide pandemic which has forced lockdown after lockdown and ruined plans on countless people.

A 2 year engagement with no date set, no concrete plans and the couple prioritising holidays over getting married is a different matter. I would probably think it's one of those engagements 'in name only' and that the couple aren't serious about actually getting married.

No judgement or 'aghast-ness', mind. I couldn't give a rats arse what other people get up to. If I enquired at all, it would only be as polite conversation filler, not grist for some angst-fuelled 'woe is the weal of womankind' thread on MN.

Having said that, some people DO like weddings and are really interested in all things wedding. Might be that OP's relatives are some of these people. So OP has whetted their appetite with talk of engagement and a wedding and now she's planning holidays and doesn't even a date in mind. Naturally, disappointment ensues.

Why get engaged just for the sake of it? Yeah you've tried to justify it, but basically an engagement is a promise to get married?
So? Just set a date or don't bother at all

If you are only intending to get married one day in the distant future but not make any plans: Please don't bother everyone else with engagement announcements.

We had a lockdown engagement and have started getting lots of questions, people have struggled to understand why we weren't living together within six months of meeting and then married within the year, despite us both having DC to consider.

@BigFatLiar , we don't have any DC and we've taken care of all the legalities- mutual wills, power of attourneys, personal insurance and both our pension funds are left to the partner if we die before retirement. Quite honestly, if you don't have DC the amount of money you'll get if your spouse dies isn't a lot of money.

Yeah I do think it's a bit pointless to get engaged and not plan a wedding, really isn't worth getting excited about an engagement in that case.

I have friends that are engaged 5+ years and still have no plans to get married, one friend told me they want a long engagement because both their parents are divorced and they want to be absolutely sure....surely they could have just kept dating in that case. Their engagement party photos came up in my facebook memories from 5 years ago last month.

If it makes people happy then fair enough but I don't really get it myself.

Maybe they wanted the attention/presents/party

Thought the lower allowance was 2500 plus 100 a month for 18 months (never had to claim it so I don't know if there are any issues)

Show them this:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-61549941.amp

They are going to get married. Promises don’t expire. You don’t have to get down on one knee and say “will you marry me next Saturday?”

Well true…..but it does signify an intention to do it, not a loose commitment to do something together at some point in the future.

It’s like announcing to people you and your
partner have decided to commit to each other and take the next step in your relationship and move in together. But also saying you don’t know when you’ll do it, giving a casual “some time in the future” approach, and then a few years down the line still not living together, not making any steps to make it happen, but still telling people you will do it at some point.

Making a commitment to doing something but then not actually taking any steps to do it just seems a bit pointless.

It's like announcing:

We're moving to Australia.

Everyone is very excited for you, asks questions, starts to think about what this will be like.

2 years later you've not made any plans to actually go and say, we are going to go but at some unspecified time in the future.

People will question your commitment and the likelihood of you actually going to Australia.
People will ask you about when and whether you're still going to Australia.
People will wonder why you announced something which was only a plan for something sometime in the future and why they invested excitement in something so vague.

If you don't want others involved or asking about your plans don't announce things to them.

I would be tempted to get married while on your dream holiday ☺️

Definitely get married without these presumptive types. They'll definitely take the gloss off.