“Well it has been a long engagement, hasn’t it…”

[Chubarubrub]

I saw extended family today and I got this comment.

“Well it has been a long engagement hasn’t it…”

as well as:

”Are we going to get a Wedding then or are you just going to stay engaged?”

DP and I got engaged in Feb 2020, just before COVID kicked off, we didn’t want the mess around we saw others dealing with so thought we’d wait until things improved and then would start planning.

We started looking last Christmas for venues but then decided we wanted to have the holiday of a lifetime first (for us this is a road trip across America) so started planning this instead.

This prompted an immediate negative reaction from DM who oddly took me aside and asked if ‘I’m sure that DP really wants to get married’ 😡 one of my friends actually insinuated the same, when it was a joint decision!!

We are putting off planning the Wedding now until after the Summer, which seems to have rattled some cages.

Then today I got the above comments from two separate family members, which irritated me even more.

I just laughed it off and said ‘I’m not sure why people are more obsessed with us getting married than we are’ and left it at that, apparently that was rude, but I’m so annoyed:

1. Was that rude?
2. Is this really such a looong engagement? Especially with the pandemic etc. (I know lots of people got married but it was our choice to wait)
3. Even if it is, who’s business is it except ours?
4. Why do some people assume that the decision isn’t mine and that I’m not a woman who can equally make decisions with DP.
5. ”are WE going to get a wedding?” ?? But it’s not about you. Why don’t you get married - for the fourth time. (Ok I thought this, I didn’t say it)

Actually I’m not sure what my AIBU is about, I’m just annoyed.

Why are people so obsessed with when other people get married or whether they get married at all. Also strangely, every question has been put to me, because obviously as the woman I’m the one just dying to get married and if we are not it means DP doesn’t want to… not that we both decided this as a team.

I thought this was 2022 not 1922?

My BIL and his girlfriend have been engaged since end of 2014. They actually ridiculed me for not being engaged/married at the time, sitting there smugly engaged! 🤣

Well, we’ve been married five years now and they still haven’t planned a thing.

Take as long as you like OP!

why did you get engaged if you’re not dying to get married?

I also got engaged Feb 2020, had planned a lot of it before we realised that covid was going to scupper it and so rearranged for 2021. Had restrictions still been in place we planned to get married just the two of us or with as many guests as allowed.

are you not fussed about a wedding or not fussed about being married?

2 years isn’t that long. Especially given the pandemic.

By the time we make it down the aisle we’ll have been engaged for 9 years.

Nothing to do with anyone not wanted to get married & more to do with having other priorities.

For us getting married won’t actually change anything (except potentially my surname), so we’ve not been in any rush.

I’m one of those that thinks if you get engaged then it means you plan to marry.

Fair enough some people are engaged for lengthy times, as in 1+ years but that’s usually because they have got to wait for a specific date in their preferred venue, or they want that time to plan and pay for everything.

However, you’ve been engaged for over 2 years and haven’t even started planning it. That doesn’t shout out two people who want to get married and of course people will think you’re not actually serious about doing it.

It’s rude of people to vocalise their thoughts but you can’t be surprised that people are having those thoughts in the first place.

I see why you are annoyed but I actually had this debate with my mum the other day. Conversation went something like this:
her: “so and so is engaged, they’ve been engaged for about 3 years”
me: “oh so are they planning a wedding then? Is it going to be soon!”
her: “nope, no wedding plans they are just engaged”
me: “right so they aren’t REALLY engaged then”

imo an engagement, especially when you have been together a long time and likely live together, means planning a wedding. Otherwise what’s the point in being engaged? I’ve always said if a date is not set within two years of the proposal then there needs to be another one “right, shall we actually get married for real this time then?”

Weddings, like everything else, have gone up in price. There's nothing wrong with enjoying the engagement for a while 🤷‍♀️ But I'd prob make some actions to it at some point

I’ve been engaged to DP for about three years or so now. We haven’t even started to plan a wedding 😂🤷‍♀️ I’d better have a word with him then because according to this comment it must mean he doesn’t really want to get married…. 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

We don’t have the money to get married just yet, but wanted the commitment of being engaged. We didn’t have an engagement party or anything like that - we announced it but really, it’s just about our commitment to each other.

We will be having a small wedding, just us and the kids. So when we’re ready it will be easy to organise and won’t take long, But we’ll do it on our own timescale, it’s no-one else’s business.

Enjoy your amazing holiday OP. Sounds as if you and your DP are in agreement and that’s the only thing that matters.

Now I disagree with this, you don't know their 'plans' ... maybe they're saving up for an amazing day/trip away. You can't assume long engagement means no plans ??

I agree with @Carrotten and @BornIn78 . I’d think one of you isn’t that bothered about being married if you haven’t even started planning. If you can’t afford a holiday and a wedding then could you just do a small registry office wedding with a meal after?

I think that’s it. We’ve been together 6 years and we do intend to marry of course but like you, it won’t change anything so there’s no rush imo.

Yes that’s true, you could have a registry office wedding and the big holiday as your honeymoon!

No plans was according to the “grooms” mother…

@SpidersAreShitheads are you me? I agree with everything you’ve written.

I’m surprised other women care/judge so much though? Even complete strangers on this thread are aghast that we aren’t married yet, AfTeR tWo YEaRs… questioning why and assuming it must be that DP is getting cold feet.

Someone will tell me to LTB soon (assumption being DP is putting our plans on hold 😭)

I’d say that MN isn’t the best place to ask this as there is a general disbelief in getting engaged in the sense of proposals and think if you even discuss getting married, that’s getting engaged. You’ll get lots of people saying to just get married in a register office tomorrow and be done with it, but in real life I think a lot of people want a nice wedding.

We had a very long engagement because after getting engaged found out I was pregnant (we hadn’t wanted to wait for children so just seeing what happened really). Sometimes life just happens, a long engagement is absolutely fine

We got married 23 months after getting engaged, I feel like that's an average engagement period, so factoring in Covid and the fact people haven't been able to travel in 2 years, I'd say they're being extremely rude!
Go enjoy your holiday, and maybe elope while you're there?! 😂

This makes no sense. The OP has said they have BOTH decided they want to do the holiday first, at no point indicating she is unhappy, so if all her mum wants is her to be happy she should be accepting of this plan. All she’s actually doing is interfering and making stupid sexist assumptions.

YANBU - I think people asking ONCE “have you started planning the wedding” is fine, but once you tell them what you are planning the only acceptable response is “oh lovely, that sounds great”. You’re right about the sexism as well. Infuriating

Yeah I think we wanted to show our commitment to each other but our lifetime holiday is a priority tbh as who knows what life throws at you (i.E a baby might appear) so we can get married after. 🙂

I’m surprised other women care/judge so much though? Even complete strangers on this thread are aghast that we aren’t married yet, AfTeR tWo YEaRs… questioning why and assuming it must be that DP is getting cold feet.

I think it’s more that people question why you’d get engaged in the first place if you didn’t actually have intention of getting married at the time?

i don’t really understand the point of being engaged for years tbh.

Either you want to get married and you plan it or you’re happy as you are.

I had my register office ceremony booked about 2 months after getting engaged and then the date was set. Planning the rest was minimal tbh - I could’ve planned a dream holiday at the same time.

You can do whatever you like but if someone is engaged then you expect them to be planning a wedding.

But we DO intend getting married, just not in this deadline imposed by others.

My stepson had a baby over a year ago and proposed to his partner shortly after (so early 2021). I said I presume the wedding will not be until 2022 (it was not that long since the last lockdown and things were still up in the air). He said 'probably not even then'. So 2023 at the earliest and no one has thought anything of it.
I have a friend in the business and she said this summer it's the weddings that were postponed over the last two years happening now, and she says they do indeed get booked up two years ahead.
So no, two years is not long, it's not at all rude to say so either.

We've been engaged 37 years, most people around us seem to have forgotten that we never married. Don't worry about others, do what feels right for you.

I think most people only get engaged at the point where getting married is their next big priority. Once DW and I were engaged, we were saving to get married and wouldn't have considered diverting our savings for a holiday or similar. I think most of my friends thought similarly whole they were engaged.

That may be why people are surprised. It doesn't mean your priorities are wrong though, and I wouldn't ask someone questions about it in real life.

You know there are ways of planning pregnancies.

That’s very true, if we start planning this September we might not get a venue until Summer of 2024, so it would’ve been similar when we got engaged.