“Well it has been a long engagement, hasn’t it…”

[Chubarubrub]

I saw extended family today and I got this comment.

“Well it has been a long engagement hasn’t it…”

as well as:

”Are we going to get a Wedding then or are you just going to stay engaged?”

DP and I got engaged in Feb 2020, just before COVID kicked off, we didn’t want the mess around we saw others dealing with so thought we’d wait until things improved and then would start planning.

We started looking last Christmas for venues but then decided we wanted to have the holiday of a lifetime first (for us this is a road trip across America) so started planning this instead.

This prompted an immediate negative reaction from DM who oddly took me aside and asked if ‘I’m sure that DP really wants to get married’ 😡 one of my friends actually insinuated the same, when it was a joint decision!!

We are putting off planning the Wedding now until after the Summer, which seems to have rattled some cages.

Then today I got the above comments from two separate family members, which irritated me even more.

I just laughed it off and said ‘I’m not sure why people are more obsessed with us getting married than we are’ and left it at that, apparently that was rude, but I’m so annoyed:

1. Was that rude?
2. Is this really such a looong engagement? Especially with the pandemic etc. (I know lots of people got married but it was our choice to wait)
3. Even if it is, who’s business is it except ours?
4. Why do some people assume that the decision isn’t mine and that I’m not a woman who can equally make decisions with DP.
5. ”are WE going to get a wedding?” ?? But it’s not about you. Why don’t you get married - for the fourth time. (Ok I thought this, I didn’t say it)

Actually I’m not sure what my AIBU is about, I’m just annoyed.

Why are people so obsessed with when other people get married or whether they get married at all. Also strangely, every question has been put to me, because obviously as the woman I’m the one just dying to get married and if we are not it means DP doesn’t want to… not that we both decided this as a team.

I thought this was 2022 not 1922?

1822??? Mumsnet REALLY needs an edit button!!!

We’re talking just vows, overnight stay and a post-burials meal for us and kids.

Holy crap, what ARE you planning?? 🤣🤣🤣

Oh how bloody rude of them. People are such dicks!

Absolutely NOT a long engagement - only 2 years. A woman I know got engaged in April, and is getting married March 2023, and I thought that seemed really soon! TOO soon. Another one I know got engaged December2019, and is getting married next week. Nearly 3.5 years later. That didn't seem that long to me.

Why are people such nosey, inquisitive, intrusive, opinionated cunts?

As soon as you're married, they'll say 'when the first baby coming along then? You're not getting any younger!' I fucking hate people sometimes.

Just say 'we'll get married when we're ready! Is that a good enough answer for you?! And as you say, as for assuming your fiance doesn't want to get married. Twats! How do they know it's not YOU who doesn't want to get married? How sexist!

YANBU @Chubarubrub

Push it back onto the rude person. "The more that people harass us about our wedding the more likely it is that we will just elope and tell people about it after it's happened."

What?! Ha ha I was engaged for 10 years, we lost our fathers, we bought and sold two houses. We lived together, marriage wasn’t going to chants lives but we realised we needed to get legally spliced. Just because you get engaged durably Jean you need to run down the aisle.

Why are people saying we aren’t planning a wedding, we will, but after the holiday.

Well it’s just about priorities isn’t it.

You are both prioritising having a holiday over getting married.

Of course that will make people think you aren’t that serious about actually getting married.

When me and DH got engaged, planning our wedding was our priority because we wanted to get married.

People just have different ideas about what it means to get engaged. I think it means that two people want to get married and so start planning the wedding.

Other people see it as a loose commitment to each other and take the approach of “we plan to get married some time in the future but we don’t know when.”

And as the years pass it’s only natural that people were think you weren’t, or aren’t, serious about actually getting married.

Family were rude to you but I’m another one who doesn’t understand why you got engaged to be married if like another poster your priority isn’t to get married at all. What was the point? I would find it very random no wedding was even planned. A standard engagement here is around 18 months not years. I afraid I would also think one or both of you weren’t very keen on actually getting married and just got engaged to look like you were doing something with your relationship and that your engagement was meaningless. @Chubarubrub

YANBU, people just want to project their own insecurities and are often overinvested in other people's personal life due to a lack of their own.

Honestly I'd be tempted to tell the next person who gives a snide comment that you're already married and they missed it. Really rattle their cage.

If you don't already have DC together, then prepare for that to be the next topic. DH won't get asked obvs.

In normal times it's longish but a pandemic got in the way so perfectly understandable.

its true @PurpleButterflyWings

As soon as you're married, they'll say 'when the first baby coming along then? You're not getting any younger!' Hmm I fucking hate people sometimes.

Sigh, life as a woman, just a milestone counter, engaged, married, baby… that is how I’m measured. Best make sure you’re married 2 years after proposal too or does DP even want to marry you?

I know I asked the AIBU so I would be unreasonable to not expect honest responses but by god some are depressing.

There are numerous posts on MN every month about men who are stalling - they make people like your mum and your friend wary, I suppose. Although usually those OPs have kids and have gone part-time/quit work, so it’s a more serious matter.

tbh I’d assume cold feet (although not necessarily his) but I’d never dream of commenting. That would be really impertinent.

I think some just don’t realise people have different priorities, ours was marriage, then things changed, now it’s holiday, then marriage. Postponing it for a while won’t actually change our lives.

If you tell everyone you are engaged you are essentially asking them to be excited and interested in the fact you are going to get married. If you then do nothing about it why did you tell everyone? Totally bonkers. Get married don’t get married nobody really gives a fuck but why involve everyone in your non-decision?
of course it’s rude to describe someone asking about the future you said you were planning as “harassing”.

I agree with a previous poster - get married while you're away (Vegas?)
We got engaged after 6 weeks, but didn't get married for another 9 and a half years - and then only because my dad had been told his cancer had become terminal (the fact that the chatted through the ceremony, so basically missed it...🤦‍♀️)

Do it your way. Stop discussing it with them. When they raise it, just tell them they'll probably get an invite unless they piss you off and you elope to Gretna

I don't think anyone is aghast your not married OP, as I said it's completely up to you. But if you've got no plans to get married your not really engaged. Telling people your engaged is telling them your getting married.

Covid hasn't stopped wedding planning. You've said yourself you want to get married when it suits you, which means you don't want to get married now? All your reasons are valid, and you've said your not fussed about marriage but why be engaged and then surprised people ask you about getting married?

I also think older relatives will be more keen for you to get married sooner as they want to be there because they love you and worry that as they get older they will be less likely to make it. I don't think its anyrhinf underhand or malicious, my grandma told me it meant a lot to her to be able to see a grandchild married. Yes she could butt her nose out, but I can see why an older relative might be keen.

We don’t have the money to get married just yet, but wanted the commitment of being engaged

This was exactly the position we were in. We definitely did get engaged as in "engaged to be married" but ideally would have waited for me to finish law school (I was working full time and going to college in the evenings. I wanted to have the time to properly enjoy the planning as well as be free of the fees.) This would have been three and a half years later.

We didn't make a big announcement, or any announcement actually but my mother spotted the ring and there was immediate pressure to set a date. When I mentioned 3 years there were lots of rude remarks - why bother getting engaged? It will never happen etc!

To be honest I hadn't thought about what others perceive as "normal". My parents got engaged in February and married in September (1960s). Though when I asked them they confirmed they'd agreed to get married a couple of years earlier but didn't formally announce the engagement until the year they could have the wedding for practical reasons. I said "so you were engaged for nearly 3 years, just unofficially?" But no, apparently not!

We did book a date/venue after a year but for a year and a half's time. About a year earlier than envisaged but STILL got loads of "oh it will never happen, you'll get fed up with each other" comments. (We did get married and are still married 22 years later.)

If I could go back in time we would have kept the engagement secret until a year or so before the day. What other people thought shouldn't have mattered but it was VERY irritating.

My younger sister got married 5 years later. No official engagement, went on hols to the Caribbean and came back married. Surprise surprise, mother was narked about that too!

BRILLIANT!!! 👏

I think some just don’t realise people have different priorities, ours was marriage, then things changed, now it’s holiday, then marriage. Postponing it for a while won’t actually change our lives.

But saying you’re engaged is telling people marriage is a priority to most people. Because you don’t HAVE to. You can do everything you fancy without being married, so why would one get engaged if it’s not a priority?

I understand that you’re saying your priorities have changed and that’s your call but you can’t blame family for being curious given you told them you’re engaged.

I don’t give a fuck, THEY give the fuck! That’s the problem 🤣

They’re the ones bringing it up all the time.

But of course we told close family why would you not. Didn’t realise it came with the caveat of ‘must be married within two year’

I think some just don’t realise people have different priorities, ours was marriage, then things changed, now it’s holiday, then marriage. Postponing it for a while won’t actually change our lives.

Except you don't actually know that. Prioritising a holiday and potentially even a baby before getting married could very much change your lives if something was to happen to either you or your DP. Unfortunately, it happens all the time.

This.
And your relatives were excited at the thought of your wedding.
Do both of you actually want to do it?

We got engaged in 2016, married 2021. We just couldn't afford it before then. Bought a house, had a baby, life etc etc. People should just mind their own business.

Do both of you actually want to do it?

Nah

I saw extended family today and I got this comment.

“Well it has been a long engagement hasn’t it…”

as well as:

”Are we going to get a Wedding then or are you just going to stay engaged?”

This is ''rude'' is it?

Maybe the fact that they were asking you specifically is because they are your side of the family?

We've been engaged for 8 years now and still haven't set a date. Instead we saved and bought a house.

Why is it so wrong to have a long engagement if youre happy? The alternative seems to be women pressuring their partners to propose before they are ready to.