“Well it has been a long engagement, hasn’t it…”

[Chubarubrub]

I saw extended family today and I got this comment.

“Well it has been a long engagement hasn’t it…”

as well as:

”Are we going to get a Wedding then or are you just going to stay engaged?”

DP and I got engaged in Feb 2020, just before COVID kicked off, we didn’t want the mess around we saw others dealing with so thought we’d wait until things improved and then would start planning.

We started looking last Christmas for venues but then decided we wanted to have the holiday of a lifetime first (for us this is a road trip across America) so started planning this instead.

This prompted an immediate negative reaction from DM who oddly took me aside and asked if ‘I’m sure that DP really wants to get married’ 😡 one of my friends actually insinuated the same, when it was a joint decision!!

We are putting off planning the Wedding now until after the Summer, which seems to have rattled some cages.

Then today I got the above comments from two separate family members, which irritated me even more.

I just laughed it off and said ‘I’m not sure why people are more obsessed with us getting married than we are’ and left it at that, apparently that was rude, but I’m so annoyed:

1. Was that rude?
2. Is this really such a looong engagement? Especially with the pandemic etc. (I know lots of people got married but it was our choice to wait)
3. Even if it is, who’s business is it except ours?
4. Why do some people assume that the decision isn’t mine and that I’m not a woman who can equally make decisions with DP.
5. ”are WE going to get a wedding?” ?? But it’s not about you. Why don’t you get married - for the fourth time. (Ok I thought this, I didn’t say it)

Actually I’m not sure what my AIBU is about, I’m just annoyed.

Why are people so obsessed with when other people get married or whether they get married at all. Also strangely, every question has been put to me, because obviously as the woman I’m the one just dying to get married and if we are not it means DP doesn’t want to… not that we both decided this as a team.

I thought this was 2022 not 1922?

@SpidersAreShitheads

We don’t have the money to get married just yet, but wanted the commitment of being engaged. We didn’t have an engagement party or anything like that - we announced it but really, it’s just about our commitment to each other.

We will be having a small wedding, just us and the kids. So when we’re ready it will be easy to organise and won’t take long, But we’ll do it on our own timescale, it’s no-one else’s business.

This doesn't make any sense. A small wedding just you and the kids would cost a couple of hundred quid.

"”are WE going to get a wedding?” ?? But it’s not about you."

Well, it is if you told everyone you were engaged and that they would be invited to the wedding isn't it? A lot of people on MN say weddings are about the couple, but they're not really. They're public declarations.
I went to an engagement party about 5 years ago and no news since. I don't see why it would be wrong of me to ask why. Mutual friends have told me they now think it will never happen so don't consider them engaged any more.

Yeah in hindsight holiday should have come before engagement but I didn’t know when DP was proposing and we’ve only recently been thinking, yep, let’s do this America trip before it’s too late.

We got engaged in Jan 2003 and are yet to get married. Most people have forgotten we aren't or have given up asking now. We might get round to actually getting married one day!

Are there? As far as I was aware you can plan to want children but there are no guarantees that the child will actually show up as planned.

OP I don't remember seeing your ages mentioned, do this trip of a lifetime and then decide when it's your time 👍👍👍

I think engagement is a bit of an odd one when it comes to this. You announce to your family that you are engaged to be married, but then don’t get married. Or even plan one and decide to spend the money on other things. Nothing wrong with it, but can see why it raises some eyebrows.

To the family they have been told ‘oh we are getting married’ but it’s no different to the day before you got engaged, in that you probably will get married at some point in future.

I wouldn’t care enough to comment on it though or even view it negatively.

its just a personal point of view but I wouldn’t get engaged and tell people we were engaged if we weren’t immediately planning a wedding. But that is just my point of view for me.

I do think your mum talking to you is different. She may be concerned rather than just looking to make a public comment as a dog. Maybe she picked up on something else and when adding it all together, she thinks it’s him. Even if she is wrong.

We didn’t have a party, we also didn’t announce to anyone but close family, my Mum told all the distant relatives. I haven’t told anyone but close family they’re coming either.

@Pyri

Ok. Reliable ways to prevent them turning up without planning it.

If you announce your engagement to friends and family you are automatically inviting their opinions! (or so they think). Congrats! enjoy the road trip.

I think I'd be surprised that after getting engaged and Covid delays that a couple decided their priority was a holiday not getting married.

Sorry, it strikes me as a token engagement with no real intention of getting married.

Why didn't you just wait to be engaged until you actually wanted to marry?

How old are you OP? I'm wondering if folks think the clock's ticking for you to start a family? In this case the clock does tick more for the woman than the man.

Before everyone attacks I'm just saying 'cos people DO speculate on this stuff and then find ways to ask without actually saying it!

See - a couple that has been together for 4 years and then announces they are engaged - i too would expect an actual wedding upcoming.

Couples which have only been together a year or so, or are very young when they announce engagements, well somehow i see that more likely to be a long one.

YANBU to be annoyed. I'm just not sure why it's annoying you though. It's your family.

I have been with my partner 14 years this year, we got engaged in October 2019 did plan our wedding in Florida for October 2021 but then covid hit us and we have cancelled and just not rearranged anything yet.
we’ve heard so many comments about it including his mother saying to me if you don’t actually want to Marry him then speak up.
i just roll my eyes and say we will do it one day and walk off usually!

I guess things changed. If COVID hadn’t turned up then we’d probably be married by now. A few things recently have made us reevaluate things and this holiday was a priority. It’s only delaying planning a year and in the grand scheme of things, we feel that considering how long we’ve been together, another year doesn’t matter.

Why get engaged if you’re not going to plan your wedding? No point being engaged is there?

It's not that long for an engagement per se, but yes it is quite a long time to not have even started planning.

Either way, yes technically it's no one else's business but yours, so just ignore the comments. That said, I presume you'll also take offence if some of those same family members showed no interest at all in your wedding when it actually happens, so it often goes both ways...

I’d like to go to a venue near the coast to get married. I’d also like to have a proper dress (even one that just a a couple of hundred quid).

When we looked at very very basic wedding packages just for a couple, no guests, the cost was £1500 upwards (without cost of dress etc). We’re talking just vows, overnight stay and a post-burials meal for us and kids.

I absolutely could nip down the local registry office and get it all done for a couple of hundred quid. But we’d both like it to be a special weekend away. That’s still a very small wedding. No frills. Not even a super-posh hotel. Still a ridiculous price. And sadly, we’ve not been in a position to have a spare £1000-2000 knocking around.

The other factor for us which I was t going to mention is both DC are autistic. And the whole wedding thing stresses them out (even without anyone else there). So it’s harder for us to navigate.

But I stand by my previous comment. It doesn’t really matter if it ” doesn’t make sense” to you. We will get married, and we’re very happy together. Our decisions don’t have to make sense to anyone else 🤷‍♀️😂

Why are people saying we aren’t planning a wedding, we will, but after the holiday.

Not sure how, we will start planning after the holiday has turned into, we aren’t planning at all.

@Chubarubrub im up to my eyeballs in planning a wedding at the moment and it’s so pants that I’m wishing that we eloped! I second getting hitched in vegas and then come back for a shindig after! Much more fun and less stress all round

OMFG!!!

Not post-burial!!! Post-nuptial!!!!

😂😂😂🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Not post-burial!!! Post-nuptial!!!!

@SpidersAreShitheads Freudian slip?! 🤣☺️

Why would they take no interest? Because we haven’t planned a wedding in the time they deem acceptable?

I feel like I’m in crazy land 🤣 I actually feel that our feelings and decisions on this don’t matter and everyone else’s trumps us. Best be a good woman and not upset everyone else.

I go back on what I said in my OP, it’s 1822 not 1922!

If you want the legal and financial protections of marriage you should just do it and worry about the dress, coastal location and accommodations for your children's additional needs at a later date.

You leave yourselves vulnerable in all sorts of ways

@SpidersAreShitheads

Post burial?!!!! Dying here!!! 😂

With this much hassel from family and friends, I think I would tie the knot whilst in the US, it would stop them quizzing you.