“Well it has been a long engagement, hasn’t it…”

[Chubarubrub]

I saw extended family today and I got this comment.

“Well it has been a long engagement hasn’t it…”

as well as:

”Are we going to get a Wedding then or are you just going to stay engaged?”

DP and I got engaged in Feb 2020, just before COVID kicked off, we didn’t want the mess around we saw others dealing with so thought we’d wait until things improved and then would start planning.

We started looking last Christmas for venues but then decided we wanted to have the holiday of a lifetime first (for us this is a road trip across America) so started planning this instead.

This prompted an immediate negative reaction from DM who oddly took me aside and asked if ‘I’m sure that DP really wants to get married’ 😡 one of my friends actually insinuated the same, when it was a joint decision!!

We are putting off planning the Wedding now until after the Summer, which seems to have rattled some cages.

Then today I got the above comments from two separate family members, which irritated me even more.

I just laughed it off and said ‘I’m not sure why people are more obsessed with us getting married than we are’ and left it at that, apparently that was rude, but I’m so annoyed:

1. Was that rude?
2. Is this really such a looong engagement? Especially with the pandemic etc. (I know lots of people got married but it was our choice to wait)
3. Even if it is, who’s business is it except ours?
4. Why do some people assume that the decision isn’t mine and that I’m not a woman who can equally make decisions with DP.
5. ”are WE going to get a wedding?” ?? But it’s not about you. Why don’t you get married - for the fourth time. (Ok I thought this, I didn’t say it)

Actually I’m not sure what my AIBU is about, I’m just annoyed.

Why are people so obsessed with when other people get married or whether they get married at all. Also strangely, every question has been put to me, because obviously as the woman I’m the one just dying to get married and if we are not it means DP doesn’t want to… not that we both decided this as a team.

I thought this was 2022 not 1922?

I don’t get why people get so involved. It’s YOUR wedding to plan and marry when YOU want. Enjoy your trip of a lifetime and let them wait.
that aunt Mavis comment made me chuckle haha.

Why can’t you get married first and then have your holiday? Why is your holiday more important to you than getting married?

If after my DH had proposed he’d then said, “Actually I would prefer to save up for a holiday rather than save up to get married” I would find it quite odd.

@Chubarubrub it’s not that you’re not married after 2 years. It’s that you haven’t even started planning it.

Why did you get engaged if you’re not bothered about being married? An engagement isn’t a commitment - it’s less commitment than renting a property together.

please do come back in 2024 and tell us if you got married!

I would too if you’d DP said that, but it wasn’t just one of us, we both feel that way.

@Carrotten
marriage means nothing really. It really is just a piece of paper.
in the 20 years I’ve been with my partner my friends have all been married and divorced, some several times.
some people just can’t be bothered with it. Especially as it changes nothing in the relationship.

I think many people (including me) regard getting engaged as just a statement that you're about to get married, whereas others see engagement almost like a whole separate phase/state which might go on for ages before you even actually plan a wedding.

However, a) the pandemic messed things up and b) it's very rude of them to comment, whatever they think.

I agree @Chubarubrub There's some right bloody misogynistic, bullshit posts on here. Many good, helpful ones, but some cringe! (Well no WONDER people wonder if you're having a big holiday first! And are you SURE you both wanna get married OP?' Jeeeez. Do whatever makes you happy my lovely!.

A pp saying 'if people keep on at us about marriage, we will just elope and not tell anyone til later' was a good idea! I would, be tempted to say 'how do you know we're not married already?!' actually!!!'

We got married 4 years after getting engaged. 🤭

I don't think these throwaway comments have the level of thought and care that you assume. Relatives look at you and think engaged so they say something. They're not interested in imposing a deadline. People's genuine expectations are heavy enough without trying to place yourself at the centre of a storm in a teacup. There is literally nothing happening here except you overthinking people being people. They speak, they make conversation, they don't care.

Even more so is the point.

Getting married to each other isn’t a priority for either of you.

I separated from my husband 2 years ago (peak covid....) I constantly receive 'have you found a new man' and 'you need to find a rich new man' FFS! Family and people really don't have filters when it comes to relationships.

OP you an announced you were engaged which means you intend to get married.

It’s been 2.5 years nearly with no date set.

Clearly you can get married when you like or not at all, but surely you can understand why people, older relatives especially, will ask a about this.

A lot of people are 'engaged' and never get married. That's why people are querying it.

Also it's not a real engagement unless you've set a date really.

That's utter bullshit. Marriage is NOT just a piece of paper. I literally double-facepalm when I see this myth posted by people! For the love of fuck - NEVER tell this to your daughters or younger sisters, or any unmarried women you know!

Why did you bother telling everyone you were engaged when you don't seem to plan on getting married anytime soon? As soon as you announce your engagement then yes it does become other people's business. Just do it or don't do it.

I guess when COVID started we couldn’t be bothered planning, a lot of venues were closed so we couldn’t even view them, things were all up in the air. My brother had to cancel and rearrange his like, 3? times and lost a lot of money so we thought, let’s wait until things calmed down.

Then things calmed down and I guess COVID made us reevaluate things. We’d been together 6 years by that time anyway, so what’s another year? and we had been chatting about going in this huge across America holiday for ages, we decided just to plan and book it all.

I get it, some people find that weird.

I'd probably think neither of you were particularly serious about getting married, if you put a holiday first.

Having said that, I wouldn't care enough to mention it as it's your business.

I think 2 years without setting a date is a long time and I can understand family members, particularly older ones, raising an eyebrow!
I had a very short engagement as we were married within 6 months so we are at different ends of the spectrum regarding engagements.

So true. You are not the centre of everyone's world.

As soon as you announce your engagement then yes it does become other people's business

Im learning that as a woman, my life is just other peoples business.

Me and DP got engaged 7 years ago.

We were planning to get married once we were in a position to live together but circumstances and logistics has meant that didn’t happen and so neither has the wedding.

After 9 years of being together I’m not actually sure if I’m arsed about getting married. We’re not going to have kids, so not much point there. And if we do get married it will be down at the local registry office with a couple of witnesses.

Weddings these days are extortionately expensive. I can absolutely see why someone would prioritise a holiday over a wedding. Equally if you want to be married I would get married on holiday and then tell them that in fact no, they’re not getting a wedding since you had one without them…

YANBU, it is nobody else's business. Some people get engaged and never marry but are happy with the commitment of being engaged. I don't think that you were rude.

A lot of couples will take 2 years to plan a wedding, and I agree that with covid, I would not have wanted to start planning and then having to keep moving it/changing it. One friend had to re-arrange everything about 3 times and ended up getting married with the number allowed, with a later blessing for the full wedding party months later.

When XH proposed we decided we didn't want to faff around with arrangements so just cracked on with it, took the only available date that the venue had left and got married 7 months later. People were quite surprised that we were marrying so quickly, I am sure half of them thought I was pregnant. (I wasn't).

People will always have unwanted opinions but it is your life, so just shut them down and ignore them.

@Chubarubrub if you can’t be bothered planning a wedding (which I get) just do something small and easy.

It does seem odd to get engaged when you’re not fussed about getting married, just seems pointless. If marriage isn’t a priority then no need to get engaged.

Your Mum and friend are just worried.

When XH proposed we decided we didn't want to faff around with arrangements so just cracked on with it, took the only available date that the venue had left and got married 7 months later. People were quite surprised that we were marrying so quickly, I am sure half of them thought I was pregnant. (I wasn't).

Me and DH got married 5 months after he proposed and I think a lot of people assumed the same! 😂

I haven’t RTFT but we got married in vegas as part of our American road trip… that’d shut aunt Mavis up (and I would highly recommend, we did a 3 week holiday for £10k, including our wedding, and got many more memories from it than our friends who spent more on their one wedding day!)