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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let upset DS put himself to bed

248 replies

llibrollibre · 02/06/2022 20:26

DS (nearly 8) has been faffing about all evening instead of getting ready for bed. It seems to be happening more and more. It got to the point tonight where DH and I both ended up shouting at him out of sheer frustration (and probably hunger - DH and I were planning to eat dinner together after said child was in bed) which led to him bursting into tears and saying he hates us etc.

Usually we read a couple stories with DS then sing a few songs, then leave the room. Tonight we've had enough and just told him to put himself to bed.

AIBU to have done this? It feels really cruel but I don't think either of us could have happily put him to bed. 😫We spent all day together though so it's not like we haven't had time together.

OP posts:
Stylishkidintheriot · 02/06/2022 20:29

I’d go up and read him a wee story and give him a cuddle

Triffid1 · 02/06/2022 20:29

I find this so hard. I just want DS to be happy and not miserable and alone...
... and then I remember that sometimes my parents would just leave me to be upset and unhappy because (and this is important) I was upset and unhappy because they were cross with me because I'd behaved badly.

So I think it's okay overall.

Having said that, I don't think the last interaction with him of an evening should be shouting. So I'd be popping upstairs to give him a kiss and a hug but no more than that.

TowerRavenSeven · 02/06/2022 20:29

Aww bless! This happened to us a few times and we let ds put himself to bed. But after maybe 10 minutes I’d go in his room, give him a kiss and tell him I loved him. It made me feel better and he appreciated it too.

Michellexxx · 02/06/2022 20:30

I would go in for a wee cuddle too. Maybe not the whole shebang, but definitely a little hug.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 02/06/2022 20:31

I've got to this point with DS before but once he's calmed down and I have I've always gone in for a goodnight kiss and cuddle. Go and say goodnight.

RomeoMcFlourish · 02/06/2022 20:31

I couldn’t be that harsh personally. My Nanna always told me to never go to bed on an argument with anyone, so I always try and resolve things before bedtime.

MassiveSalad22 · 02/06/2022 20:31

What they all said!

Needanotherholidayasap · 02/06/2022 20:32

Just back from our allotment where 80 people are out searching for a suicidal 20 year old. . Please go make sure your ds knows he is loved op...
😰

Kittykat93 · 02/06/2022 20:33

It doesn't sound like he's done anything awful, I couldn't let him go to bed upset and not even go and say goodnight, sounds cruel to me.

Oldfilmsareshit · 02/06/2022 20:34

He’s only 7, you need to be showing him how to behave not sulking because things haven’t gone the way you want. I understand he’s been annoying but you need to discuss his behaviour with him not shut him out and show him that bad behaviour removes your love and caring.

it’s only 8:30 now so it’s hardly crazy late for an almost 8 year old, what time are you trying to get him to bed?

HikingforScenery · 02/06/2022 20:34

Yes you should both say sorry, even if quickly, and leave him to self settle.

Oldfilmsareshit · 02/06/2022 20:35

Also do you let him shout at you ‘out of frustration’ because you’re teaching him that’s what you do. That and shutting out

Germolenequeen · 02/06/2022 20:36

He’s only 7, you need to be showing him how to behave not sulking because things haven’t gone the way you want

This with bloody bells on 😠

orwellwasright · 02/06/2022 20:37

If it's happening more and more then perhaps he's not tired. He might need a later bedtime. It's not that late and you say he's been faffing about 'all evening'. What time do you usually try to get him into bed?

But for tonight, go and give him a cuddle.

itsgettingweird · 02/06/2022 20:37

Yeah I'd go in for a goodnight in a bit after he's put himself to bed and had time to think about why he didn't have time for stories and songs.

IMO though that's a very dramatic bedtime for an 8yo. Usually reading a story is better to wind down. Even reading a chapter book and alternating a page.

A good way to get them focussed is set a timer.

So 30 minutes before lights out set it. They have to wash, teeth and get ready for bed and in bed and anytime left over can be used for stories.

Visual reminders and c,ear boundaries and consequences are much better than falling out!

MassiveSalad22 · 02/06/2022 20:37

DS has just turned 7 and we’re finding recently he’s naturally staying up until 8:00/8:30. As long as he’s in bed reading I allow it, although it sounds horrific on paper as I’m ready for bed at like 9:30 😄 I was reading various Sarah Ockwell-Smith books lately and basically she says we all battle to get our kids to go to bed too early and it’s a waste of energy.

girlmom21 · 02/06/2022 20:39

Going against the grain here, he's pushing boundaries.
You shouted at him because despite your asking repeatedly, he didn't get ready for bed.
If he's in bed now, leave him be. If he wants a cuddle let him come and apologise.

Discovereads · 02/06/2022 20:39

When is his bedtime? You might want to adjust it later. It’s a gradual thing as they grow up to be teens that their bedtimes should get later and later. It’s also odd to me that you don’t all eat dinner together at that age. 8 is well past the age to eat before your parents.

On tonight, you both owe him an apology for losing your tempers and shouting at him until he cried. You also should not withdraw the usual bedtime things like stories and songs. That is essentially punishing him all over again for you losing your temper.

Whetheryouthinkyoucan · 02/06/2022 20:41

At 8 my daughter has been putting herself to
bed for a year or so. We go through once she’s lying down reading and give her a kiss, say we love her etc.

singing and reading to them? Not every night at this age for us. We do read together but not at bedtime. That’s an afternoon sofa activity for us. She had stories as a younger child at bed, but at this age she reads alone.

I think it’s quite early for bed on a holiday weekend, so I’d be letting him sort himself out anyway; but I absolutely wouldn’t end the day on a shouting argument. I’d go and give him
a kiss and remind him how loved he is before he goes to sleep.

littlepeas · 02/06/2022 20:46

Sounds like his bedtime is too early. As they get older you lose your evenings - it’s much nicer to have dinner together and hang out rather than trying to shoe horn a not tired child into a bedtime that no longer suits them.

And yes, I’d would go and make friends with him before he goes to sleep.

hangrylady · 02/06/2022 20:47

My kids can be absolute tits at bedtime but I can't rest until I've gone up and given them a cuddle. DH says I'm too soft but I don't care.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/06/2022 20:47

Everyone has some shouty bedtimes - don't worry about it.

Sounds like you need to review your routine - so maybe he gets ready for bed and then gets some pottering time. Also a time for story - if he misses it, he doesn't get it. Stories and songs every night is sweet, but a lot of eight year olds might have a story and then read to themselves - so you might want to review that too.

SmellyWellyWoo · 02/06/2022 20:49

He's only going. Give him a kiss, cuddle & tell him you love him. Also eat earlier if you're hungry!

RibNSaucyArseCrack · 02/06/2022 20:50

You sing to an 8 year old?

my 7 year old puts herself to bed every night.

Anon778833 · 02/06/2022 20:52

You shouldn’t be taking out your hunger or bad moods on him. He’s only 8. If he can get himself ready without help just tell him you’ll be up to say goodnight when he’s in bed.

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