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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let upset DS put himself to bed

248 replies

llibrollibre · 02/06/2022 20:26

DS (nearly 8) has been faffing about all evening instead of getting ready for bed. It seems to be happening more and more. It got to the point tonight where DH and I both ended up shouting at him out of sheer frustration (and probably hunger - DH and I were planning to eat dinner together after said child was in bed) which led to him bursting into tears and saying he hates us etc.

Usually we read a couple stories with DS then sing a few songs, then leave the room. Tonight we've had enough and just told him to put himself to bed.

AIBU to have done this? It feels really cruel but I don't think either of us could have happily put him to bed. 😫We spent all day together though so it's not like we haven't had time together.

OP posts:
WishILivedInThrushGreen · 02/06/2022 20:54

Possibly review your routine.
My 8 year olds would have been feeling that they're missing out on something.

On a bank holiday, I'd have let them stay up a bit as a treat and ensured that they knew it was a treat.

Are you not able to have tea together as a family though ?

PunchyAnts · 02/06/2022 20:54

Faffing about and not getting ready for bed is expected of 8 year olds. You and your DH were in the wrong to respond by shouting at him - you are both grown adults and he is a child behaving as children do. Perhaps he needs firmer boundaries but as for tonight, you should at the very least be offering an apology and a hug. Tomorrow you can decide what to do about the faffing when you have all calmed down.

Anon778833 · 02/06/2022 20:59

Too many parents expect their children to behave better than they themselves can. It’s baffling.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/06/2022 21:04

YANBU. Every so often the pissing around and time wasting gets out of hand and in my view it is perfectly okay to say "That's it. I have other stuff to do." It would be better if you did it sooner and without shouting of course. But basically if he wants the bedtime story etc he needs to go to bed when you tell him to.

I agree the bedtime will inevitably get later soon, and you will have to accept that.

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 02/06/2022 21:05

Just go and give the poor lad a hug and say goodnight properly.
Both parents shouting at an 8 year old is pretty shit. As you say, he was only 'faffing'.
Don't let the poor kid go to bed feeling like crap.

user1487194234 · 02/06/2022 21:08

I would definitely go and give him a hug

BellePeppa · 02/06/2022 21:10

I can only speak for myself but I’d go up, give him a hug and say goodnight sweetie. It doesn’t need to be a big fuss or anything but I’d sleep better doing that.

CottonSock · 02/06/2022 21:11

Can't you eat together and then there is less hunger stress. Let him stay up later, and maybe even enjoy his company.

2catsandhappy · 02/06/2022 21:11

Give him a hug and kiss. Then enjoy your evening.

jubileetrain · 02/06/2022 21:12

RibNSaucyArseCrack · 02/06/2022 20:50

You sing to an 8 year old?

my 7 year old puts herself to bed every night.

It's not a competition Confused

BilboBagBin · 02/06/2022 21:13

Do you make him eat alone every night? Maybe he feels left out of the family activity.

Foxylass · 02/06/2022 21:13

Pop in and chat with him. Explain that you are not reading etc.. tonight and say why. We all have off days. He needs to know that he 'can' have off days and that you will be there for him, always - specially if he has an off day.

Get a really good routine in future.

If you want him settled and ready to sleep at say 8.30pm, and you know it takes say 30 mins for teeth, stories, singing etc.... let him know that he will miss things if he messes about. Obviously teeth will not be missed but there will not be time for fun things. And follow through with it.

avocadotofu · 02/06/2022 21:13

Definitely go up and give him a hug.

SunflowerGardens · 02/06/2022 21:16

YABU - both of you shouted at him and got in such foul temper than you couldn't calm down enough to take him to bed? It's a bank holiday in June of course he wanted to stay up a bit later and his bedtime sounds too early as it is.

Carrotten · 02/06/2022 21:17

Go and give him a hug FGs

What time is his bedtime? Do you think its maybe too early for an 8yr old on a Bank holiday? Do you think he's getting a bit old to be going to bed before his parents eat? I think I would faff too if I thought there was something exciting happening after bed

thehistorymum · 02/06/2022 21:18

Another vote for a hug and kiss goodnight. Don’t let him go to bed on an argument 💐

GiltEdges · 02/06/2022 21:18
  1. His bedtime is probably too early
  2. Why is he eating alone?
  3. Yes, you were overly harsh. Don't take your own unreasonable emotions out on an innocent child
girlmom21 · 02/06/2022 21:18

SunflowerGardens · 02/06/2022 21:16

YABU - both of you shouted at him and got in such foul temper than you couldn't calm down enough to take him to bed? It's a bank holiday in June of course he wanted to stay up a bit later and his bedtime sounds too early as it is.

Bank holidays don't mean 8 year olds stay up later than normal, especially if allowing them that bit of freedom means they stop doing as they're told.

BiscuitLover3678 · 02/06/2022 21:19

I get why you flipped, completely. But once you’ve cooled down please go and see him. There will be a reason why he’s faffing so maybe sit and have an honest chat. He’s not far off from the teen years now. I hope you work it out op.

Oldfilmsareshit · 02/06/2022 21:20

You shouted at him because despite your asking repeatedly, he didn't get ready for bed

You can’t justify losing your temper. It happens but you should always apologise. As you’d probably ask your child to do if they screamed and shouted at you.

If he wants a cuddle let him come and apologise

Quite frankly I think that is a disgusting attitude to display to a 7 year old and I sincerely hope you’re not a parent. Being a good parent is about unconditional love and demonstrating desired behaviour not punishing with withdrawal of love for something as minor as ‘faffing about’

Mulhollandmagoo · 02/06/2022 21:20

Kids faff, it's part of their nighttime routine 🤣 usually because they don't want to go to bed. I faff at bedtime, I potter about doing things, so I can't really get frustrated vat my child for doing the same thing. Is it worth tweaking the bedtime routine a bit? Or trying a different tactic?

We all reach the end of our rope sometimes and snap out of frustration, so don't be too hard on yourself, but maybe nip in and give him a cuddle.

ChocolateHippo · 02/06/2022 21:20

Can't you make sure he's in pyjamas and teeth brushed, and then have a rule that he reads/plays quietly in his room from 8pm onwards?

girlmom21 · 02/06/2022 21:23

@Oldfilmsareshit unconditional love doesn't mean you have to go and comfort a child who's refusing to do as he's told.

AnneShirleysNewDress · 02/06/2022 21:24

Go and give him a hug and say goodnight. Maybe reconsider his bedtime.

AlisonDonut · 02/06/2022 21:26

I'm 54 and faffing before I get into a bath. If you shouted at me I'd tell you to fuck off.