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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let upset DS put himself to bed

248 replies

llibrollibre · 02/06/2022 20:26

DS (nearly 8) has been faffing about all evening instead of getting ready for bed. It seems to be happening more and more. It got to the point tonight where DH and I both ended up shouting at him out of sheer frustration (and probably hunger - DH and I were planning to eat dinner together after said child was in bed) which led to him bursting into tears and saying he hates us etc.

Usually we read a couple stories with DS then sing a few songs, then leave the room. Tonight we've had enough and just told him to put himself to bed.

AIBU to have done this? It feels really cruel but I don't think either of us could have happily put him to bed. 😫We spent all day together though so it's not like we haven't had time together.

OP posts:

Giraffesandbottoms · 02/06/2022 21:26

It feels cruel because it is cruel to yell at you child then let them go to bed upset and alone. I also don’t understand why you don’t eat dinner as a family.

MeridianB · 02/06/2022 21:26

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 02/06/2022 21:05

Just go and give the poor lad a hug and say goodnight properly.
Both parents shouting at an 8 year old is pretty shit. As you say, he was only 'faffing'.
Don't let the poor kid go to bed feeling like crap.

This 😔

Discovereads · 02/06/2022 21:29

girlmom21 · 02/06/2022 21:23

@Oldfilmsareshit unconditional love doesn't mean you have to go and comfort a child who's refusing to do as he's told.

I don’t think you understand what “unconditional” means…withholding love until a child does as they are told is by definition a condition.

girlmom21 · 02/06/2022 21:29

@Discovereads you can love someone unconditionally but still get frustrated with them.

Kassalah · 02/06/2022 21:30

Please come back and tell us you gave this little chap a bedtime cuddle 😬

ldontWanna · 02/06/2022 21:32

Go in and give him a kiss and cuddle and say goodnight. That's the list you can do.

Tomorrow reassess your arrangements. Is bedtime too early? Is he feeling left out? Why are you eating without him?

Discovereads · 02/06/2022 21:32

girlmom21 · 02/06/2022 21:29

@Discovereads you can love someone unconditionally but still get frustrated with them.

Well yes, but you cannot love them unconditionally if you have conditions (such as obedience) that they have to meet in order to be loved by you.

girlmom21 · 02/06/2022 21:33

@Discovereads but letting them go to bed alone doesn't mean you don't love them...

MisgenderedSwan · 02/06/2022 21:34

I have an 8 and a 10yo. I go up with them at 7.30 and supervise teeth brushing/face washing and getting into pjs. Then I'll read a book with them if they want me to. Otherwise they go to their rooms to quietly read/play. 99% of the time they are asleep by 8.30. The odd time they're not they're reading quietly. I think it's important that they have learnt how to settle themselves. They know I go downstairs and either work or sit down with a brew. Everyone is relaxed and I don't end up frustratedly trying to stuff them into bed.

Discovereads · 02/06/2022 21:34

girlmom21 · 02/06/2022 21:33

@Discovereads but letting them go to bed alone doesn't mean you don't love them...

In this case it does mean your love is conditional. And it’s not “letting” them go to bed alone, it’s “making” or “forcing” them to go to bed alone with all loving affection they usually get withdrawn.

Happytap · 02/06/2022 21:35

go and give him a cuddle and say sorry for shouting

fgs you can’t use being hungry as an excuse to shout at your kid!!

DelilahBucket · 02/06/2022 21:36

Never go to bed on an argument. That applies to children and adults. Bedtime is not the part to punish as it causes sleep issues for that child. You stick to your bedtime routine regardless.

TheRoadToRuin · 02/06/2022 21:37

You are reaching that point where you can no longer put the child to bed before your dinner and have to accept that.
Time to work out how to do it differently, eat together much earlier perhaps. Then you won't be hungry tired and grumpy when it's time to put him to bed.
Don't be mean to him he's only doing what 7 year olds do.

carefullycourageous · 02/06/2022 21:38

Go and apologise and tell him you love him. What do you think being unkind will achieve? Life is just too short to have pointless arguments with your kids.

SpaceFarce · 02/06/2022 21:39

girlmom21 · 02/06/2022 20:39

Going against the grain here, he's pushing boundaries.
You shouted at him because despite your asking repeatedly, he didn't get ready for bed.
If he's in bed now, leave him be. If he wants a cuddle let him come and apologise.

I agree with this. In the morning you can have a chat with him about what happened and why and have a good cuddle. One evening isn’t going to make him feel unloved, but it probably will teach him that he needs to stop messing at bedtime.

oakleaffy · 02/06/2022 21:40

Kittykat93 · 02/06/2022 20:33

It doesn't sound like he's done anything awful, I couldn't let him go to bed upset and not even go and say goodnight, sounds cruel to me.

This.
Go up and hug him.

Oldfilmsareshit · 02/06/2022 21:41

@girlmom21 if you are a mum please please look into some parenting advice as your approach sounds very cruel

Sally872 · 02/06/2022 21:42

It's fine. Perhaps go and do one quick book and smooth it over if it makes you feel better.

Going forward just start the bedtime routine earlier and he can mess about in jammies with teeth done so he cant actually delay bedtime.

TeachesOfPeaches · 02/06/2022 21:43

I need to know more about these songs you're singing...

Rinatinabina · 02/06/2022 21:43

Give him a hug and tell him you love him, kids can be trying little sods but they need to know that you always love them.

SunshinePie · 02/06/2022 21:43

He is probably sad because he loves the attention he gets from you at bedtime and doesn’t want it to ever end. Maybe he’s trying to “draw out” the evening to see you more? Even negative attention will trump no attention 🤷‍♀️

User3568975431146 · 02/06/2022 21:46

I'm sorry but that's awful. What a horrible way for that wee boy to feel going to sleep on his own.

Never, ever withdraw your love or do anything that could be interpreted by him as not being cared about.

You both owe him a big apology. You've got a lot of making up to do.

In any case, you shouldn't be eating without him anyway, so hunger is zero excuse for adults losing control and taking it out on their child.

excelledyourself · 02/06/2022 21:46

It feels really cruel but I don't think either of us could have happily put him to bed.

How long ago did this happen? You've had the time to write this post and still can't bring yourself to go and say goodnight and give a cuddle even though he's so upset?

That's sounds extremely resentful to me.

As for the poster who lets the 7 year old put them self to bed, I find that really sad, rather than something to gloat about.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 02/06/2022 21:48

It’s a parenting fail, kids are expected to faff at bedtime. I think the bedtime routine is that of a toddler, that probably needs to change as does bedtime as it sounds like it’s just too early. Eat together, let him go to bed later. Going to bed alone doesn’t need to be a punishment (although it clearly was tonight)so you can encourage that in future but I agree never go to bed on an argument. Your evenings are about to get different, start thinking how to involve him in them.

RibNSaucyArseCrack · 02/06/2022 21:49