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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Massive argument with boyfriend - was I unreasonable?

359 replies

SarahLooo124 · 01/06/2022 10:14

Hello,
We've been together 4 years, hardly argue and overall very happy together.

Last night, he had to go to hospital (nothing serious, but he felt some pain in his stomach area); I'd never been to A and E before so I didn't realise just how long waiting times were apart from what I hear on the news.
So I waited in the car as he said he'll be about 2 hours and i wasn't allowed to sit in with him (fair enough)<. 6 hours later, it's 11:30pm,I'm still waiting in the car, haven't eaten since breakfast, and my phone was about to die.

I quickly rang him asking how long he'll be and he said he doesn't know. For some reason I snapped on the phone and said (I admit in a bitchy way) that he'll have to come back on his own tomorrow then as I can't wait in this car any longer.

2 minutes later, he comes running to the car saying he was just about to see the Dr but he had to tell the Dr he had to go and the Dr was worried about his stomach. He called me an autistic bitch because I didn't just get out the car and walk to the cafe in the hospital and that I make everything complicated and he feels like my babysitter. (I'm not autistic btw).

I snapped back that it was his idea for me to come and that he said I could wait with him, and if I'd have known it'd be sitting in a car, I'd have waited in the house.

This was in quite shouty voices.

But I feel absolutely awful that he has to go back tonight. I look back and think I could've just carried on waiting in the car but in the moment, I just snapped.

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 01/06/2022 10:18

While he shouldn’t have called you that, you were being unreasonable snapping at him for something that was out with his control.

If he was in pain so much he had to go to A&E then he was likely pretty stressed and you added to it.

If you couldn’t go home could you not have went to McDonalds/shop/garage or something to get something to eat? If he had come out while you had popped away I am sure he could have waited for 19 minutes

Womencanlift · 01/06/2022 10:18

*10 minutes

Ducksinthebath · 01/06/2022 10:18

Why didn't you just go to the cafe, or failing that the vending machine, or failing that let him know you'd pick up some food and then come back asap. You had lots of options available to you other than saying, in a way you admit was unpleasant, that your boyfriend had to leave A&E and return again himself the next day. I understand people get hangry, but you were really out of order.

LIZS · 01/06/2022 10:18

If he could wait another day he did not need A And E and should try gp or 111. Why did you not leave after two hours, offering to return to collect as and when? Telling him you were going having waited so long was odd.

orwellwasright · 01/06/2022 10:19

Well you didn't exactly cover yourself in glory when your OH was feeling poorly and worried in A&E.

Even if you've never been before it's a bit of a poor excuse to say you didn't realise how long waits are - it's not exactly a secret.

I know that my partner would be far more supportive and sympathetic than you. Thankfully.

Nanny0gg · 01/06/2022 10:19

Why didn't you go into the cafe?

Why didn't you ring him after 2 hours?
You could probably have gone home then. How far away is the hospital? (BTW did you ring 111 first?)

Why don't you get a car charger for your phone?

And if I'd been him I'd have seen the doctor.

traintraveller · 01/06/2022 10:20

Yes, you were unreasonable.

DolphinaPD · 01/06/2022 10:20

You were very unreasonable.

Cinnabomb · 01/06/2022 10:21

That’s a very strange reaction from you. Are you very young?

Tokyopirate · 01/06/2022 10:21

Waiting in A and E is stressful, if you think it was bad for you waiting outside in the car just try to think from his perspective of being in pain and having to stay in the waiting room because you never know when you will be called. I've spent many an hour in A and E with my son and it absolutely sucks, I even once went two whole days without eating myself because as a solo parent I couldn't leave him alone to get myself food and drink.

When you are both adults you could have easily have just driven to a cafe or even gone home and asked him to call you when he knew what was going on. It is not his fault at all that he had to wait so long and the other at you reacted was horrible. You could have easily left to take care of yourself, he couldn't.

Fireflygal · 01/06/2022 10:21

I think sitting in the car passively was the wrong thing to do. How far away from home were you? You could have disappeared to get something to eat...did that occur to you?

Btw, why did he go straight to A&E?

Keladrythesaviour · 01/06/2022 10:22

I don't think there's any excuse for him calling you autistic (it's not a slur!!) I think you were were being unreasonable. Why on earth didn't you drive home, or go and pick some food up? Also, you may have never been to A&E before but you must have your head under a rock if you don't know going to A&E usually means LONG waits...

MermaidEyes · 01/06/2022 10:22

I'm sorry, but you must have been living under a rock not to know A&E waiting times are horrific. I know 3 people who've had to go to A&E recently, not one was discharged before 6/7 hours. Surely it would have been better to just go home straight away and come back when he was done?

pinkyredrose · 01/06/2022 10:23

Why couldn't you go home and wait?

seven201 · 01/06/2022 10:23

Of course you were being unreasonable. Your poor DP. I get hangry too - you should have just gone and got some food or messaged you say you're happy to pick him up later and gone home. What a drama!

Switchin · 01/06/2022 10:25

You're both awful but, truthfully, I have a little bit more sympathy for him because he's the one who was in A&E and in pain.


  1. He's an idiot for telling you two hours - there's no way it'd be two hours, that's ridiculous. No one waits that little in any A&E. People having heart attacks and strokes who went in my ambulance wait longer than that.

  2. You're an idiot for believing that he'd be two hours. As above, that's like believing he'll be treated by a unicorn.

  3. You should've taken a phone charger to be honest, surely everyone knows you take a phone charger when you're going to A&E? You could've charged your phone in the car or the cafe. Didn't he have a charger on him in case he was admitted?

  4. You're unreasonable for getting bitchy and snapping at him for not knowing something that he has no ability to know and no control over. No one in A&E knows how long they'll be waiting, staff cannot tell you or even give you an indication. You got pissy with him because he's not psychic.

  5. You made him feel like he had to leave A&E when he needs medical care - just because you were bored. You could've gone to the cafe, you could've gone home and come back later, you could've done so many other things. This is someone you're supposed to be in love with and care about.

  6. His autistic comment was unacceptable, completely out of line and disgusting. It's only made marginally better by the fact you're not autistic.

  7. If you'd only come on the basis you could be in the waiting room then it makes no sense that you waited in the car instead of going home or going somewhere else.

  8. When he's in A&E and in pain and worried about his health, it's not up to him to deal with you whinging about your phone battery or being bored. You're supposed to be supporting him, not the other way around. I can understand why he felt like your babysitter.

So, you're both awful - but I think you're worse to be honest.

Original poster
SarahLooo124 · 01/06/2022 10:25

I couldn't drive home because it was his car which I'm not insured to drive. We were originally driving to the supermarket but midway through he said he'll drive to A & E, so I didn't have my charger or anything in the car.

I Understand I was unreasonable though

OP posts:
Happyplace88 · 01/06/2022 10:26

Both unreasonable. As a PP said, if he can wait another day he doesn’t need a&e. It is for life threatening emergencies. Why on earth didn’t you just drop him off and tell him to call you when he was ready for pick up?! He’s an idiot for not just seeing the doctor if he was literally being called in then. Both silly.

Schwarz · 01/06/2022 10:26

YABU!

It is a long wait time, but you could have gone to the cafe in the hospital for food, driven to a McDonald's or popped home and charged your phone.

Snapping on the phone and saying he'll have to come back tomorrow on his own as you can't wait anymore is really not on, it's unsupportive and a bit manipulative IMO (making him come out because you can't handle sitting in a car and making him go back alone another time)

I'm assuming he called you an autistic bitch in response to you being inflexible about waiting times / popping somewhere else / going home or something? Not really on at all, but if Id been in A&E on my own in pain and my partner said id have to come back another day as they couldn't handle sitting in the car any longer, id probably be rude too.

FOJN · 01/06/2022 10:26

He was offensive but you were unreasonable.

I wonder why he went to A+E when you had already determined his stomach pain was nothing serious. Do you have any idea about the life threatening illnesses that stomach pain can be a symptom of?

Of course you didn't want to sit in the car for six hours but if he'd politely asked about potential wait times when he registered a reception you could have gone home to eat. Even at the point you had been there six hours you could have message him to say you needed to go home and eat and could he keep you up to date with us progress.

Sounds like you were both stressed and behaved unreasonably. Apologise and move on. I hope his stomach pain was nothing serious and he apologises for the way he spoke to you too.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 01/06/2022 10:27

YABVU.

A Dr was worried about your bf and you were more worried about having to wait. Wow

Happyplace88 · 01/06/2022 10:27

What, so you were on the way shopping, he was literally fine then all of a sudden his stomach was SO painful he needed a&e? How ridiculous.

Original poster
SarahLooo124 · 01/06/2022 10:28

I couldn't drive home, I'm not insured to drive his car; I get I could've gone to the cafe though

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 01/06/2022 10:28

SarahLooo124 · 01/06/2022 10:25

I couldn't drive home because it was his car which I'm not insured to drive. We were originally driving to the supermarket but midway through he said he'll drive to A & E, so I didn't have my charger or anything in the car.

I Understand I was unreasonable though

Could you have not got a taxi/bus/someone to come pick you up? As a minimum you should have sat in the cafe

How were you planning on getting home if he had been admitted?

FOJN · 01/06/2022 10:29

I see you are not insured to drive his car, perhaps it's time to rectify that.

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