Massive argument with boyfriend - was I unreasonable?

[SarahLooo124]

Hello,
We've been together 4 years, hardly argue and overall very happy together.

Last night, he had to go to hospital (nothing serious, but he felt some pain in his stomach area); I'd never been to A and E before so I didn't realise just how long waiting times were apart from what I hear on the news.
So I waited in the car as he said he'll be about 2 hours and i wasn't allowed to sit in with him (fair enough)<. 6 hours later, it's 11:30pm,I'm still waiting in the car, haven't eaten since breakfast, and my phone was about to die.

I quickly rang him asking how long he'll be and he said he doesn't know. For some reason I snapped on the phone and said (I admit in a bitchy way) that he'll have to come back on his own tomorrow then as I can't wait in this car any longer.

2 minutes later, he comes running to the car saying he was just about to see the Dr but he had to tell the Dr he had to go and the Dr was worried about his stomach. He called me an autistic bitch because I didn't just get out the car and walk to the cafe in the hospital and that I make everything complicated and he feels like my babysitter. (I'm not autistic btw).

I snapped back that it was his idea for me to come and that he said I could wait with him, and if I'd have known it'd be sitting in a car, I'd have waited in the house.

This was in quite shouty voices.

But I feel absolutely awful that he has to go back tonight. I look back and think I could've just carried on waiting in the car but in the moment, I just snapped.

Good god of course you weren't being unreasonable!

The "shall I/shan't I" means there was clearly little urgency and you could have easily gone home and swapped cars, then you could have dropped him off at a&e and returned to collect him. What exactly were you supposed to do if he was admitted? Deciding half way to Tesco that actually, he did fancy going to a&e is ridiculous.

Also the cafe probably wasn't open past 7/8pm so that was another ridiculous suggestion on his part.

Coming running out blaming you that he was "just about" to see a doctor is bullshit, he'd have waited and been seen. It's not like you were going to drive off without him, is it. He obviously wasn't just about to be seen and is saying that to make you feel even more guilty.

The autistic bitch comment is disgusting and on that alone I'd actually be reconsidering my relationship.

You were unreasonable for snapping at him over something that he couldn’t control and also for apparently being incapable of going to get yourself something to eat for ten minutes. You’re not a child.

He shouldn’t have used ‘autistic’ as an insult because it’s ableist. But you were being bloody hard work.

@WeAreBob no I won't grow up. I'm not comfortable getting a taxi on my own in a place I don't know with 2 percent on my phone in the dark

Nothing could possibly justify what he said to you. It's absolutely fucking vile. I would never want to look at him again if I were you. I wouldn't associate with anyone who used "autistic bitch" as an insult. Asshole.

Both unreasonable.

He doesn't sound like he needed A&E there and then.
There was no reason for you to wait in the car, let alone for 2+ hours.
You should have got the bus or a taxi home.

That's understandable. Should have gone to a cafe or something not just sat in the car. I can't wait in a car for more than 30 minutes, how you did it for 6 hours is amazing.

I'm going to go against the grain. You reacted badly to an unpleasant situation. It was ridiculous for you to be waiting in the car or hospital (waits of 24 hours plus are not uncommon). He put you in that position, albeit because he was unwell, so I can see how you'd be frustrated with him even if demanding he left was unreasonable (and unkind).

However, I feel like calling you an autistic bitch is a line there is no coming back from. Autistic shouldn't be in his head as an insult, it just shouldn't. But it is. It doesn't matter how much pain Im in, I'm not calling someone a slur that has no connection for me. So why did he go there?

A&E isnt a replacement for the GP, particularly for a low level irritating issue that he has already seen a doctor for.

If you can umm and ahh for a few hours, drive yourself through the pain, then leave with a plan to repeat tomorrow it’s not an emergency.

He needs to try more with the doctors and see why he’s not getting an appointment. Or if he really feels the need to go to A&E he needs to call 111 first to see what they advise.

Had he taken painkillers or done anything to try to soothe the pain?

I’ve no idea if anyone has said it already OP but there are companies where your boyfriend could have insured you on his car temporarily so you could have driven it. You can insure yourself for a few hours or a day so he could have done that on his phone while he was waiting. It might be worth bearing it in mind if the situation ever comes up again.

just remember this is MN where arseholes thrive and shake off any general nastiness

He sounds like an attention seeking drama queen tbh

Well that’s completely uncalled for isn’t it?

Absolutely agree with all of this.
No way he was about to be seen and then ran out. He would have just messaged to say he was with the Dr
He sounds an absolute arsehole

"Original plan was for me to drive, drop him off and then drive home."

But you said you weren't insured to drive?

So yes decide, at the last minute, to drive to A&E with a chronic issue, knowing that you had no way of getting home. I'm surprised either of you thought it would be a quick thing to go- especially as this is a chronic issue for him. You snapping wasn't necessary, and his name calling wasn't necessary- you both look about as unreasonable as each other. As an allegedly functioning adult, I'm sure he can go back by himself, and not have you wait ina car park for hours next time he fancies a trip there.

But you said you weren't insured to drive?

No, she said she wasn't insured to drive HIS car

You may be covered third party to drive his car under your own policy. A and E is for acute conditions but ongoing pain or non life threatening conditions would not be given priority, hence the wait. If it has been going on fir a while he could have made a gp appointment while going private.

@BrioNotBiro what do you mean? I was meant to drive my own car not his but he ended up being the one to drive to the shop when he decided not to go

There are definitely a few takeaways you can think about in case this happens again OP (likely to if it’s an ongoing issue)

• get insured on his car
• put a power bank in the car
• get a taxi home before your charge is low

I think you sound like you know you were being totally unreasonable but there were a few things you could have done (potentially in hindsight) to avoid this argument and avoid your partner having to go to A&E again

I think you sound like a vile, nasty person to get so personal on a thread of someone you don't know.

What do you expect?

You said you were taking your DPs car home (which was illegal) and he’s have to get himself home.

The only reason you have any support on this thread is because you’ve implied you’re a women and your DP is a man.

Trust me if you were a man and your wife was in A&E and you had a go at her for taking too long and that she either comes out now or you’re taking the car because you’re bored - you’d have a lot more harsher replies.

What you did was wrong but your excuses are just pathetic - you can’t sit in the car, you can’t walk and get something to eat, you can’t get a bus or taxi - surely you’re a grown adult and are more than capable doing anything of these things.
I’m not trying to sound mean but honestly it’s ridiculous.

@SD1978 I completely agree with what you say and yes we both probably were stupid to not have planned it properly

Oh gosh you were completely unreasonable. And I suspect you’re not being honest about just how much you snapped at him and what you said.

No excuses, it was all on you. Yes his insult was unacceptable but you started it.

It really wasn't about you though, was it? It was about him when he was ill enough to need emergency care.

Why not just walk to a shop or a vending machine in the hospital and grab some crisps or something?

You were out of order there. You want to be told that your snapping is excusable because you were hungry but him being in pain & having to leave the hospital after so long is a much bigger reason to be angry.

You sound really young and a bit naïve, really.

You should have just asked him to pop to the door so you could have a chat about what to do.

What do you mean you're not insured to drive his car? Doesn't your own insurance have third party cover? Most do.