Massive argument with boyfriend - was I unreasonable?

[SarahLooo124]

Hello,
We've been together 4 years, hardly argue and overall very happy together.

Last night, he had to go to hospital (nothing serious, but he felt some pain in his stomach area); I'd never been to A and E before so I didn't realise just how long waiting times were apart from what I hear on the news.
So I waited in the car as he said he'll be about 2 hours and i wasn't allowed to sit in with him (fair enough)<. 6 hours later, it's 11:30pm,I'm still waiting in the car, haven't eaten since breakfast, and my phone was about to die.

I quickly rang him asking how long he'll be and he said he doesn't know. For some reason I snapped on the phone and said (I admit in a bitchy way) that he'll have to come back on his own tomorrow then as I can't wait in this car any longer.

2 minutes later, he comes running to the car saying he was just about to see the Dr but he had to tell the Dr he had to go and the Dr was worried about his stomach. He called me an autistic bitch because I didn't just get out the car and walk to the cafe in the hospital and that I make everything complicated and he feels like my babysitter. (I'm not autistic btw).

I snapped back that it was his idea for me to come and that he said I could wait with him, and if I'd have known it'd be sitting in a car, I'd have waited in the house.

This was in quite shouty voices.

But I feel absolutely awful that he has to go back tonight. I look back and think I could've just carried on waiting in the car but in the moment, I just snapped.

@Onwards22 where did I say I was taking my boyfriend's car home? I specifically said I wasn't driving it because Im not insured so where have I done something illegal?

I haven't come on this thread to excuse my behaviour. I feel awful about snapping and no I havent reduced how much I snapped. I'm not a swearer or a shouter, when I'm mad I'm a cryer so I spent most of the time home in silence.

But has he apologised to YOU OP?

I can't believe he turned a routine trip to a supermarket into an unscheduled hospital visit which entailed a 6 hour wait for you with no means of driving home - you said he could have waited until next day? - which means he didn't even need A&E.

You were far too passive - who told you to sit in the car for 6 hours like a scolded child? - got understandably 'hangry' & snapped at him. No biggie.

He was worried, uncomfortable, & snapped at you. No biggie ... APART from the disablist comment. That was really, really nasty. Not to you - to ND people. I hope that comment was a one-off as far as he's concerned, because it's a worrying mindset if not.

Wowzers. This makes you sound so self-centred, OP.

That's not an 'attack on your personality' btw - that's what you were literally being if this is true!!

I think YWBU, OP.

A&E waiting times are not within anyone's control.

Why didn't you just text him to say you were going to get some food and to keep you updated?

If I was a regular nasty, vile person as some people on this thread are trying to say, then I don't think I'd feel this awful about snapping

@StaunchMomma what do you mean? I think there are plenty of females who wouldn't want to get a bus or taxi on their own in a place they don't know well on 2 percent battery.
I don't get how that's self-centred, it's the way I feel

@babyjellyfish hindsight I completely agree and I do wish now I just went to check if the cafe was open

It's all ridiculous and you're both in the wrong. If someone called me an 'autistic bitch' as an insult I'd end the relationship there and then. It was ridiculous him deciding to go a&e on the way to shopping, he should have took you home first. And to then leave when he was about to see a dr is a joke and i cant abide people wasting precious nhs resources right now. You were ridiculous for not going home or finding a cafe. If you went inside you could have got food and a charger from the shop.

@SarahLooo124

He’s had this pain for weeks and suddenly chose to address it. Without planning, he takes you with him to A&E where he could reasonably expect it to take many hours. It should not come as a surprise after 2+ years of covid that you may not be allowed in with him. It gets dark every night. People need to eat. Phone batteries don’t last forever. Women aren’t safe sitting in dark car parks in strange places alone with no way to communicate and no viable way to leave.

There are no surprises here. Only thoughtlessness, poor planning and a lack of concern for your safety.

I think he was the massively unreasonable one here. I think you reacted to the safety aspect, and your main crime was not figuring a way out before it got so late and your battery was almost dead.

that he'll have to come back on his own tomorrow then as I can't wait in this car any longer.

How were you planning to get home if you weren’t going to drive his car, get a bus or taxi?

@MrsMiddleMother 100 percent agree; I am kicking myself I didn't just go inside

Why on Earth did you wait? Why didn't you drop him off and go home and then pick him up when he was ready to leave? Or he could get a taxi home? He's an adult ffs

@Onwards22 he was planning on driving home? I don't get why you're finding this confusing

You were totally unreasonable! He was the ill one, and you were bothered about being hungry and bored in a car?

Has he accepted your apology?

@WibblyWobblyJane I think you hit the nail on the head with how I felt rather than calling me a baby etc. So thank you!!
Yes I was stupid I thought my phone would last but even running to the pay machine to update his parking ticket creeped me out as I was in quite a quiet area of the car park right in the corner.

I don't like the dark. I wouldn't say that makes me a baby, Ive just probably read too many crime stories that I do fear the night

Firstly, his comment was unreasonable. It was probably said out of frustration after you called him out of A&E so he effectively wasted a 6hr wait, but he shouldn't have used those words. Honestly, I would have expected him to either ask you to pick him up later and get yourself home, or come and wait inside.

If my DP did this, I'd tell him he was free to go home (bus, taxi, family or friend lift, temp insurance on car...) if he hadn't already figured it out, or to wait in the hospital somewhere. I have been in this situation with him before in the early hours, heavily pregnant, and bought food and drink from the vending machines. Our hospital also provides water for free, I imagine most do, in case similar happens in future. Not ideal, but he needed to be seen.

TBH you've both had a stressful time, A&E is grim and a bit rubbish, but that's neither of your faults. It's normal that people snap. Be nice to each other and agree to move past it.

Fucksake who pissed in your chips @Onwards22 ?

You expect OP to be a model of courteous deportment after a frustrating 6 hour wait for an unnecessary A&E visit? Surely only a "very nasty, selfish person" would expect that ...

The worst she's guilty of is passivity.
I suspect her b/f calls all the shots in this relationship.

@Nein9 thank you for a nice constructive comment and I completely agree with everything you say!

You say you were too scared to get a taxi???
How old are you?

Yup.

I don't like the cut of this b/f's jib.

You both seem limited in your adult decision making capabilities.
Surely you could have communicated earlier and perhaps gone to a nearby shop for some food, you're not confined to the car.
Why could you not head home and get him to call when he's done, alternatively he could use public transport or a taxi.

he was planning on driving home? I don't get why you're finding this confusing

No I asked how you were planning on getting home.

You phoned him and said ‘he’d have to come home on his own as you couldn’t wait in the car any longer’.

So how were you planning on getting home without him?
If you couldn’t drive his car, get a bus or taxi?