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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Massive argument with boyfriend - was I unreasonable?

359 replies

SarahLooo124 · 01/06/2022 10:14

Hello,
We've been together 4 years, hardly argue and overall very happy together.

Last night, he had to go to hospital (nothing serious, but he felt some pain in his stomach area); I'd never been to A and E before so I didn't realise just how long waiting times were apart from what I hear on the news.
So I waited in the car as he said he'll be about 2 hours and i wasn't allowed to sit in with him (fair enough)<. 6 hours later, it's 11:30pm,I'm still waiting in the car, haven't eaten since breakfast, and my phone was about to die.

I quickly rang him asking how long he'll be and he said he doesn't know. For some reason I snapped on the phone and said (I admit in a bitchy way) that he'll have to come back on his own tomorrow then as I can't wait in this car any longer.

2 minutes later, he comes running to the car saying he was just about to see the Dr but he had to tell the Dr he had to go and the Dr was worried about his stomach. He called me an autistic bitch because I didn't just get out the car and walk to the cafe in the hospital and that I make everything complicated and he feels like my babysitter. (I'm not autistic btw).

I snapped back that it was his idea for me to come and that he said I could wait with him, and if I'd have known it'd be sitting in a car, I'd have waited in the house.

This was in quite shouty voices.

But I feel absolutely awful that he has to go back tonight. I look back and think I could've just carried on waiting in the car but in the moment, I just snapped.

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahLooo124 · 01/06/2022 11:21

@KettrickenSmiled I would say I'm a naturally passive person and usually I am happy to do whatever, probably a natural people pleaser.

When we calmed down last night, he explained his autistic comment was how he's noticed how I deal with things, that sometimes I'll be super independent and then other times I'll go straight into stress mode and be stuck in my own ways and stubborn.
He did recognise what he said last night was disgusting.

OP posts:
WibblyWobblyJane · 01/06/2022 11:22

StaunchMomma · 01/06/2022 11:10

Wowzers. This makes you sound so self-centred, OP.

That's not an 'attack on your personality' btw - that's what you were literally being if this is true!!

Show quote history

Are you really this naive?!

Cocowatermelon · 01/06/2022 11:22

Gosh some people on here are cruel. Not everyone is comfortable alone at 11pm at night waiting around for a taxi or a bus or walking home from the bus stop. I hate it. I do it sometimes but I live somewhere urban where this is a very normal thing to do and there are plenty of people around at night and it’s logically not a dangerous thing to be doing. But I grew up somewhere where it was considered very unsafe to do this especially as a lone women and the police actively advised against it. It’s pretty fucking hard to turn off the thoughts telling you you’re not safe, that you’re too vulnerable alone, that if someone tries to rob you or rape you you’re likely not going to be able to stop them. It takes me an hour when I get home late to calm down enough to sleep. It really doesn’t matter if you think I need to grow up or that I’m crazy or unreasonable or pathetic, it doesn’t make the experience any easier for me, it just adds a layer of shame.
OP if you’ve both apologized I think you should try to move on. Get insured on each other’s cars, get a power bank and phone charger to love in each car. I hope your bf is ok and they figure out what’s causing the problem.

Original poster
SarahLooo124 · 01/06/2022 11:22

@Onwards22 I don't think your comprehending this thread right. I asked him to come back to the car not that I was driving home and he'd have to go home on his own.

OP posts:
Badgirlriri · 01/06/2022 11:23

largeprintagathachristie · 01/06/2022 11:19

You say you were too scared to get a taxi???
How old are you?

I was about to say the same thing.

scared to get a taxi
Scared of the dark

i don’t agree with his comments but saying he has to babysit you does sound accurate

KettrickenSmiled · 01/06/2022 11:23

babyjellyfish · 01/06/2022 11:10

I think YWBU, OP.

A&E waiting times are not within anyone's control.

Why didn't you just text him to say you were going to get some food and to keep you updated?

I suspect because she has got into the habit of doing everything her b/f tells her to.

I think OP's main problem has got fuck-all to do with unnecessary A&E visits & needless 6 hour waits in car parks, & everything to do with control.

Onwards22 · 01/06/2022 11:24

@KettrickenSmiled i expect you would say the same if OP was a man and her wife was in A&E of course.

And OP didn’t need to wait she could have gone home.

Not sure how people are twisting it around to it being the bfs fault that it was taking so long.
It makes a change from blaming the NHS I suppose.

Original poster
SarahLooo124 · 01/06/2022 11:24

@Cocowatermelon it's crazy how time changes perceptions - last year after the Sarah Everard case, it was all over the news about how many women fear walking home alone yet on this thread I'm apparently a baby for being one of those women who do fear the night

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahLooo124 · 01/06/2022 11:25

@Onwards22 I think you'd find on this thread a lot of people are saying I was unreasonable as well so, no, this isn't a case of "sticking up for the woman and villianising the man"

OP posts:
WibblyWobblyJane · 01/06/2022 11:26

SarahLooo124 · 01/06/2022 11:21

@KettrickenSmiled I would say I'm a naturally passive person and usually I am happy to do whatever, probably a natural people pleaser.

When we calmed down last night, he explained his autistic comment was how he's noticed how I deal with things, that sometimes I'll be super independent and then other times I'll go straight into stress mode and be stuck in my own ways and stubborn.
He did recognise what he said last night was disgusting.

He needs to turn his critical eye on himself and assess how he handles his own health. Not particularly a guy that should be throwing stones at someone around how they manage stress. And he certainly didn’t need you there with him.

KettrickenSmiled · 01/06/2022 11:27

SarahLooo124 · 01/06/2022 11:21

@KettrickenSmiled I would say I'm a naturally passive person and usually I am happy to do whatever, probably a natural people pleaser.

When we calmed down last night, he explained his autistic comment was how he's noticed how I deal with things, that sometimes I'll be super independent and then other times I'll go straight into stress mode and be stuck in my own ways and stubborn.
He did recognise what he said last night was disgusting.

Erm ... that's not an "explanation" OP.
It's a load of old flannel that doesn't even make any logical sense.

And "recognising" that something was disgusting is not the same as apologising for it. Is your b/f Boris Johnson?

Courante · 01/06/2022 11:28

Well neither of you thought it through at all and both behaved poorly - but these things happen, we can all behave perfectly with the benefit of hindsight and not feeling cold/hot/emotional/in pain/tired/thirsty/very bored/hungry.

All you can do is learn from it. Make sure you've got chargers for your phones in the car and emergency food and water and money and blanket. I think getting a taxi straight back home/to public transport links rather than waiting would have been best, as you aren't the driver/not insured there didn't seem much point in you waiting at all.

KettrickenSmiled · 01/06/2022 11:28

Onwards22 · 01/06/2022 11:24

@KettrickenSmiled i expect you would say the same if OP was a man and her wife was in A&E of course.

And OP didn’t need to wait she could have gone home.

Not sure how people are twisting it around to it being the bfs fault that it was taking so long.
It makes a change from blaming the NHS I suppose.

Do you? Would I?

What point are you attempting to score with this pathetic Straw Man?

MrsMiddleMother · 01/06/2022 11:29

SarahLooo124 · 01/06/2022 11:13

@MrsMiddleMother 100 percent agree; I am kicking myself I didn't just go inside

Has he apologised to you op?

WibblyWobblyJane · 01/06/2022 11:29

Onwards22 · 01/06/2022 11:24

@KettrickenSmiled i expect you would say the same if OP was a man and her wife was in A&E of course.

And OP didn’t need to wait she could have gone home.

Not sure how people are twisting it around to it being the bfs fault that it was taking so long.
It makes a change from blaming the NHS I suppose.

It absolutely his fault because he had weeks of symptoms. He decided on a whim to go to A&E. He could have known it would take hours and that OP wasn’t prepared with phone charger, had no way home, etc.

He did not suddenly have a medical emergency!

Original poster
SarahLooo124 · 01/06/2022 11:29

@Courante yes I've definitely learned a lot after last night; phone charger in both cars would be beneficial.
Thanks for the constructive response; I agree I think a mix of emotions caused the argument

OP posts:
Onwards22 · 01/06/2022 11:30

I don't think your comprehending this thread right. I asked him to come back to the car not that I was driving home and he'd have to go home on his own.

Wow!
I’n sorry I completely missed what you were trying to say.
I thought you just made him feel guilty for spending so much time in the car.

What you actually did was even worse!

So you made him not get medical treatment just so he could drive you home because you couldn’t be bothered to get a bus or taxi and you were bored.
Even though he’d already waited hours and was being seen to and has to come back the next day.

Just wow!

Original poster
SarahLooo124 · 01/06/2022 11:30

@MrsMiddleMother yes he has but I felt awful that he was apologising when realistically I can see that I started it

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 01/06/2022 11:31

Why didn't you just get a cab home? Honestly, that is on you. You're not a child, you can make your own decisions and find your way home. The way he spoke to you was horrid but it seems like you were the same back to him, so it's not great from either of you.

Original poster
SarahLooo124 · 01/06/2022 11:31

@Onwards22 am I even more of a nasty vile person now? The next Disney villain in the making?

OP posts:
WibblyWobblyJane · 01/06/2022 11:33

Onwards22 · 01/06/2022 11:30

I don't think your comprehending this thread right. I asked him to come back to the car not that I was driving home and he'd have to go home on his own.

Wow!
I’n sorry I completely missed what you were trying to say.
I thought you just made him feel guilty for spending so much time in the car.

What you actually did was even worse!

So you made him not get medical treatment just so he could drive you home because you couldn’t be bothered to get a bus or taxi and you were bored.
Even though he’d already waited hours and was being seen to and has to come back the next day.

Just wow!

You can keep ignoring the safety aspect but it still exists.

KettrickenSmiled · 01/06/2022 11:33

Not sure how people are twisting it around to it being the bfs fault that it was taking so long.

Oh! - another Straw Man. What a surprise.
Nobody is blaming the b/f for how long A&E waits are.
Allow me to assist your comprehension:

He turned a mutually agreed supermarket trip into an A&E visit on a whim.
He expected OP to wait in the car, & gave no thought to her comfort or safety.
He got ratty with her when she expressed her concern & impatience after 6 hours.
He decided that an ablist comment was an appropriate response to OP's concern.
He expected an apology, but has not made one of his own.

HoppingPavlova · 01/06/2022 11:34

SarahLooo124 - he was planning on driving home? I don't get why you're finding this confusing

I’m not the person you were addressing with this but, as someone who worked in A&E for many years, I do find it confusing.

If he felt he was bad enough for A&E then what did he think would happen. Surely if that bad, admission was a possibility and of course he could not drive home? People don’t just pop in to A&E, pop out and drive home. If they think they are capable of this them they definitely should not be in A&E, it’s not the correct place for them. Exactly what did he envisage happening when he went in to A&E if he was so unwell? Why did you not point this out to him?

3luckystars · 01/06/2022 11:34

a and e can be quite traumatic, you will know better the next time. When I’m hungry I can’t think straight either so just apologise and move on, you were both stressed out.

burnoutbabe · 01/06/2022 11:35

I'd have got a cab as soon as we knew it was a wait and given him the keys.

Also, any hospital has a reception and can call a taxi for you, to meet outside the brightly lit entrance.