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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a difficult position - upsetting

289 replies

chippys · 31/05/2022 12:30

I've had to change a few details or this would be outing.

I was with my ex for 6 years and we both have daughters the same age (pre teens). We didn't live together. During those 6 years his DD was diagnosed with a very serious illness. After a whole year of treatment she was given the all clear.

At the end of last year my ex broke up with me out of the blue with no explanation or reason, was rather mean to my DD on his way out the door and I didn't hear from again. Until this week. I received a text to say that his DD had had her usual 6 month scan and the illness had returned, with the outcome this time being that she's not likely to get better, even with treatment. Of course, I'm devastated.

My ex said that the last few weeks his DD had been asking to see my DD (this was before the scan results) and would I be ok to meet up with them for a play date.

This is where I'm stuck. I know my DD would love to see his DD again, however, the way he left us with no explanation, and the way he spoke to me and my DD at the end was awful. I had to console my DD for months when he left as they were very close.

It seems that he wanted to arrange a play date even before he found out the terrible news. I would have said no then, but now I feel like if that's what his DD wants then I should of course say yes. I genuinely don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 31/05/2022 12:36

Oh what a horrible situation. I'd be inclined to do it for his DD and yours but ask that he drop her off and pick her up outside and don't come in/interact with you and your daughter?

PurBal · 31/05/2022 12:36

Sorry to hear about your exs daughter. Children shouldn’t have to go such awful things.

The daughters are now 11/12? Given that you’re asking the question I think it should be your daughters choice. But you’d be within your right to not mention it and move on.

Workinghardeveryday · 31/05/2022 12:38

I think I would take her if it’s what she wants and would make her happy

Testina · 31/05/2022 12:44

I think you’re very naïve to believe that his daughter was asking for a play date recently just before this awful news, but he rather coincidentally asked on it after the news… maximum guilt trip effect there then.

If you let this girl back into your life, and your daughter’s, you let him back in. I wouldn’t do it.

There often isn’t really an explanation to give for a split: you just realise this isn’t it for you, and what really more can you say? So I’m not really against him for that.

But you say he was awful to your child. That’s not a man you can trust. What happens if the girls get closer again? It’s all very well saying play dates at yours only… at about it she’s sick during treatment and your daughter wants to go to her house and sit chatting with her? Will you allow that? Can you trust him not to be awful to her? I wouldn’t trust a man who can be awful to a child as far as I could throw him.

Badgirlgonegood · 31/05/2022 12:47

You don’t think he has got back with the child’s mum do you?

And is now trying to worm his way back in with you?

Guiltypleasures001 · 31/05/2022 12:48

The other point op if he loses
His child your dd will have to deal
With that as well if she's acting in touch

It's an awful
Situation

Testina · 31/05/2022 12:50

Call me cynical… and I’ve already replied about this coincidental timing of the girl asking for a play date just before the scan news…
But how do you know she even asked?
At my most cynical, I’d say the girl didn’t ask at all, and now hit by the awful news, he wants you back - the person who previously supported him through her illness and treatment. Even if not full on laying the groundwork for a relationship - could be he’s looking for a friendship where you give as you gave before.
You don’t exist to meet his emotional needs though. Like I said, I don’t trust someone who can be awful to a child.
I realise this is the extremely cynical position and I’m not saying it’s definitely what’s going on. But I think it’s worth considering.

2bazookas · 31/05/2022 12:50

What he really wants, is for you to go back and play nurse to his child and prop him up.

Think of your own DD. Okay, so they used to be friends. Then Ex broke the link.

But is it really in DD;s best interest to revive a past relationship with an abusive man, and a child her own age who is terminally ill. Do you want to put your young child through an end-of-life terminbal illness witness that many adults find unbearable; followed by death of a child, child bereavement, a childs funeral and the aftermath; all of which many adults find so stressful it damages mental health.

I am sorry for your ex's child. But put your own first.

catbirddogchild · 31/05/2022 12:52

Could you not do the meet up via the other girls mother instead? That way it is purely about the girls friendship.

Testina · 31/05/2022 12:53

@2bazookas “What he really wants, is for you to go back and play nurse to his child and prop him up.”

I did wonder if I would get my arse handed to me for my posts. Interesting to see I’m not the only one thinking this.

Tessasanderson · 31/05/2022 12:53

You have said your DD would love to see his DD. Keep all the parent/relationship shit out of it.

Tell him you want nothing to do with him, but you would love to have his DD over for the day. Have some brilliant girly time, let them bond and give this young girl some relief from her illness.

WhatNoRaisins · 31/05/2022 12:56

If you knew from another person that this girl had asked to meet with your DD then I'd consider it. Sadly I agree with others that I'd be questioning his motives for drawing you back into this situation and ultimately you have to put your own child first.

Testina · 31/05/2022 12:57

Tessasanderson · 31/05/2022 12:53

You have said your DD would love to see his DD. Keep all the parent/relationship shit out of it.

Tell him you want nothing to do with him, but you would love to have his DD over for the day. Have some brilliant girly time, let them bond and give this young girl some relief from her illness.

And when the 2 girls have re-established and friendship, and the OP’s daughter would be hurt by it ending again, plus the added consideration of not wanting to upset the sick child… what does OP do when her ex pushes to be involved. “Oh but I really want to take them both to Alton Towers…”

If he was just an ex, go for it. But this is a man who was awful to a child.

Original poster
chippys · 31/05/2022 12:58

I do appreciate people's honestly. So it looks like he may be using that play date as an excuse to try and find a way to receive the support I gave him the first time round?

Just to clarify, he was never abusive, it was literally on the way out of my door when he left he wasn't very nice to DD (no swearing or name calling though).

OP posts:
Izzy24 · 31/05/2022 13:00

2bazookas · 31/05/2022 12:50

What he really wants, is for you to go back and play nurse to his child and prop him up.

Think of your own DD. Okay, so they used to be friends. Then Ex broke the link.

But is it really in DD;s best interest to revive a past relationship with an abusive man, and a child her own age who is terminally ill. Do you want to put your young child through an end-of-life terminbal illness witness that many adults find unbearable; followed by death of a child, child bereavement, a childs funeral and the aftermath; all of which many adults find so stressful it damages mental health.

I am sorry for your ex's child. But put your own first.

Completely agree

Original poster
chippys · 31/05/2022 13:00

And from a purely selfish point of view I'd hate for DD to get that friendship back and have to deal with the outcome of his DD's illness. Also, I'm still not completely over him so ideally would rather not see him!

OP posts:
Whatsonmymindgrapes · 31/05/2022 13:03

I’d do it but I’d have no contact with him, so she’s dropped off to you and he’s not coming in. I’d be concerned he’s using you for support when she’s sick.

Original poster
chippys · 31/05/2022 13:03

@catbirddogchild I don't know his DD's mum well enough to message her - I didn't really have much contact with her when me and my ex were together.

OP posts:
Zpoa · 31/05/2022 13:04

I couldn't put my child through potentially seeing her (ex) friend dying.

Don't let him guilt trip you.

Bonjovispjs · 31/05/2022 13:06

Please don't do this, he just wants to use you and it will be you and your daughter who end up being hurt again!

Mellowyellow222 · 31/05/2022 13:07

this is a really difficult one.

I can’t imagine what he said to your daughter that caused so much upset - but she needs to know all though this that he was wrong and you fully support her.

she can’t get the impression that it is forgiven.

I think you need to be honest - he acted in a disgraceful way which deeply upset your child. You don’t trust him to be around her.

tou are heartbroken for his daughter and speak to your disaggregated to see if she wants to see the girl again. BUT there will be contact with him at all

ItoldyouIwastrouble · 31/05/2022 13:08

I do find his timing suspicious. But also from an incredibly selfish point of view I'm not sure I'd want to revive that friendship for my daughters sake. Having lost a friend and tried to support her through knowing she was dying, I just can't imagine putting my daughter in that situation. It was horrific and so terribly sad. I know this probably sounds like a horrible viewpoint, if they were still friends now I'd support them in everyway, but to actually bring this into my daughters life, I'm not sure I could, and if that makes me an awful person I'm sorry.

Testina · 31/05/2022 13:08

chippys · 31/05/2022 12:58

I do appreciate people's honestly. So it looks like he may be using that play date as an excuse to try and find a way to receive the support I gave him the first time round?

Just to clarify, he was never abusive, it was literally on the way out of my door when he left he wasn't very nice to DD (no swearing or name calling though).

Well that could be quite a multitude of things. If he left saying, “will you just let me go” sharply to her clinging to him - that’s one thing. Quite another if he looked her in the eye and said, “and at least I won’t have to pretend to like your awful singing and put up with your spoilt girl tantrums any more” then I would think twice about teaching her to let people back in their lives after crap. You say he was awful - which is quite a strong word to me.

How did it even happen that she was in the house and aware that he’d broken off with you? If he used her presence as a cover to stop you reacting, that’s quite a reason to steer clear of him.

calmlakes · 31/05/2022 13:08

If you aren't completely over this relationship I wouldn't get involved.
If keeping the dc in contact with each other was important to your ex he would have got in touch a long time ago.
I am unclear what the benefits for your dc or yourself are in this situation.

Pixiedust1234 · 31/05/2022 13:11

I wouldn't do it. I couldn't support a man whose child is dying, a dying child and my own child having to deal with a close child who is dying. Way too many emotions to deal with. Especially since he will drop you like a hot stone in the end. Then what happens to your child's mh losing them both all over again (in different ways). She's already said goodbye to them when they left.