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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a difficult position - upsetting

289 replies

chippys · 31/05/2022 12:30

I've had to change a few details or this would be outing.

I was with my ex for 6 years and we both have daughters the same age (pre teens). We didn't live together. During those 6 years his DD was diagnosed with a very serious illness. After a whole year of treatment she was given the all clear.

At the end of last year my ex broke up with me out of the blue with no explanation or reason, was rather mean to my DD on his way out the door and I didn't hear from again. Until this week. I received a text to say that his DD had had her usual 6 month scan and the illness had returned, with the outcome this time being that she's not likely to get better, even with treatment. Of course, I'm devastated.

My ex said that the last few weeks his DD had been asking to see my DD (this was before the scan results) and would I be ok to meet up with them for a play date.

This is where I'm stuck. I know my DD would love to see his DD again, however, the way he left us with no explanation, and the way he spoke to me and my DD at the end was awful. I had to console my DD for months when he left as they were very close.

It seems that he wanted to arrange a play date even before he found out the terrible news. I would have said no then, but now I feel like if that's what his DD wants then I should of course say yes. I genuinely don't know what to do.

OP posts:
OneOfThoseOldFashionedWomen · 31/05/2022 13:45

I agree, looking for a nurse. If the girls wanted to stay friends they would have, they are both old enough to ask for this to be facilitated before now.

AlisonDonut · 31/05/2022 13:46

I wouldn't even respond. After all he told you never to contact him again. So don't.

Chocaholic9 · 31/05/2022 13:46

It'd be a no from me. Why put your daughter through it again?

Whatlovelyweather · 31/05/2022 13:47

FatCatSkinnyRat · 31/05/2022 13:39

I can give you this from the other side of the story. I assume the DD of your ex has something like cancer or similar.

My DS had cancer as well. At end of treatment (DS also obtained remission and 6 years later is going great guns) I lost it and went a little doolally myself. I alienated friends, family, neighbours. I didn't want their sympathy and I could not share the pain with anyone. I had so much to process. For the whole of treatment you are keeping it on an even level but once that finished you have to deal with yourself. I was later diagnosed with PTSD but I did and said a lot of things i now regret for a few months after the end of treatment.

People on this thread are looking at your ex's actions through the window of those who have not walked this terrible path. Of course on the surface his actions look cruel. However I can look at it through the murky window I once looked out from. I feel for him if, as you say, during your relationship was a great guy and only went off the rail at the end. The person he was in the relationship, in normal times, is who he actually is. Perhaps he is now feeling guilt for how he reacted - I know I certainly did and do.

Just some food for thought. Don't judge until you walk in the horrible shoes of watching your child go through this hideous treatment. And cut him some slack now that the thing us cancer parents fear the most every day, the relapse, has happened.

ps: Am now back to my actual self and have made amends with some, but not all, of the aggrieved.

I’m so sorry for what Rat has been through and it’s really helpful input but but on the question of whether you should put the girls back in touch I am with all the posted who say don’t do it. It’s all much too complicated and you could be opening the door to some really upsetting times for her for no good reason

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 31/05/2022 13:47

If the worst happened to the other dd would your DD feel worse for not having had the chance to say goodbye? If you go ahead you could make sure he isn't involved in the contact. Make that a condition and if he makes a fuss then you'll see his true intentions.

Incredibly sad and tough situation. I think you just have to go with your gut feeling on this one.

Original poster
chippys · 31/05/2022 13:47

@PuggyMum My DD is 9. As far as she's aware, her ex step sister has fully recovered and won't get ill again.

It's interesting you say that about my ex not being able to handle my DD being well when his wasn't, as that's something I thought on a few occasions when we were together (due to a few comments he made).

OP posts:
Whatlovelyweather · 31/05/2022 13:47

Upsetting for your DD I mean. She’s the one you need to protect

InvisibleDragon · 31/05/2022 13:48

Something to consider here is that this girl's illness and early death will have an impact on your DD, whether they are in touch or not. At some point in the future, you will need to tell DD that her friend is dying / has died. Even though they are not in touch at the moment, they were step-sisters for 6 years, so this will be a difficult thing for your DD to go through.

It might be that having the chance to say goodbye to her friend would be important to your DD and would help her to grieve. It might also be that your DD would find that very difficult and would prefer not to see her. But it feels to me that it is a decision that she should be supported to make for herself.

With that in mind, I agree with other posters that you should suggest reaching out to the other girl's mum. You can confirm your ex's story with her and make a plan about how to talk with your DD about this news. That way, you are minimising contact with your weasel ex and getting independent confirmation of the facts before your DD needs to be involved at all.

KettrickenSmiled · 31/05/2022 13:48

Don't do this.

He broke up with you without compassion or explanation, was vile to your young DD for no reason as he hotfooted it out of your lives, & he now he has this awful news ... I am sorry to be so harsh, he is looking to use you as an emotional support human.

I understand that you feel torn because - it's awful for his poor child. It's awful for him too, but he can give his child what she needs without opening this hurtful can of worms. There are surely other friends & children in their lives.

This feels so manipulative, & while I get it that DD missed her almost-step-sibling, that is OVER now. Even if your ex's DD was now well - why would you risk him hurting you both again with another withdrawal? And the fact that his DD IS very unwell is even more of a reason to steer clear. DD doesn't need a heap of potential upset & pain introduced back into her life.

This man shat on you.
Just because he is now in need, there is no need to allow him back into your lives to keep shitting.

Testina · 31/05/2022 13:49

chippys · 31/05/2022 13:47

@PuggyMum My DD is 9. As far as she's aware, her ex step sister has fully recovered and won't get ill again.

It's interesting you say that about my ex not being able to handle my DD being well when his wasn't, as that's something I thought on a few occasions when we were together (due to a few comments he made).

That’s even something I could have sympathy with, for him.
But it would just make the reason to stay away from him now increase one hundred fold.

Goingforarun · 31/05/2022 13:49

That little girl was part of your family for six years and now everyone saying it’s okay to forget her? Talk to your daughter.

FloydPepper · 31/05/2022 13:50

FatCatSkinnyRat · 31/05/2022 13:39

I can give you this from the other side of the story. I assume the DD of your ex has something like cancer or similar.

My DS had cancer as well. At end of treatment (DS also obtained remission and 6 years later is going great guns) I lost it and went a little doolally myself. I alienated friends, family, neighbours. I didn't want their sympathy and I could not share the pain with anyone. I had so much to process. For the whole of treatment you are keeping it on an even level but once that finished you have to deal with yourself. I was later diagnosed with PTSD but I did and said a lot of things i now regret for a few months after the end of treatment.

People on this thread are looking at your ex's actions through the window of those who have not walked this terrible path. Of course on the surface his actions look cruel. However I can look at it through the murky window I once looked out from. I feel for him if, as you say, during your relationship was a great guy and only went off the rail at the end. The person he was in the relationship, in normal times, is who he actually is. Perhaps he is now feeling guilt for how he reacted - I know I certainly did and do.

Just some food for thought. Don't judge until you walk in the horrible shoes of watching your child go through this hideous treatment. And cut him some slack now that the thing us cancer parents fear the most every day, the relapse, has happened.

ps: Am now back to my actual self and have made amends with some, but not all, of the aggrieved.

Whilst I think I broadly agree with most posts saying you shouldn’t do this and you should protect your daughter, this post is also true and perhaps those posters seeing a cynical or manipulative motivation should pause before berating this man

having a seriously Ill child can make you behave differently.

I know it’s easy to just assume “man must be an arse” on mumsnet, but maybe the op could do what’s right for her and her daughter without all the nasty assumptions about his motivation

TheEponymousGrub · 31/05/2022 13:50

If his DD sadly dies, will your DD ever come to hear that you refused a chance for them to meet again? If not, then it would probably be better for your DD not to see the other poor child again.

DixonD · 31/05/2022 13:51

FatCatSkinnyRat · 31/05/2022 13:39

I can give you this from the other side of the story. I assume the DD of your ex has something like cancer or similar.

My DS had cancer as well. At end of treatment (DS also obtained remission and 6 years later is going great guns) I lost it and went a little doolally myself. I alienated friends, family, neighbours. I didn't want their sympathy and I could not share the pain with anyone. I had so much to process. For the whole of treatment you are keeping it on an even level but once that finished you have to deal with yourself. I was later diagnosed with PTSD but I did and said a lot of things i now regret for a few months after the end of treatment.

People on this thread are looking at your ex's actions through the window of those who have not walked this terrible path. Of course on the surface his actions look cruel. However I can look at it through the murky window I once looked out from. I feel for him if, as you say, during your relationship was a great guy and only went off the rail at the end. The person he was in the relationship, in normal times, is who he actually is. Perhaps he is now feeling guilt for how he reacted - I know I certainly did and do.

Just some food for thought. Don't judge until you walk in the horrible shoes of watching your child go through this hideous treatment. And cut him some slack now that the thing us cancer parents fear the most every day, the relapse, has happened.

ps: Am now back to my actual self and have made amends with some, but not all, of the aggrieved.

I was thinking along with these lines and I haven’t experienced something similar. He was probably traumatised. Nothing excuses such bad behaviour, but this would go some way to explain it.

I’m glad your child is doing well.

KettrickenSmiled · 31/05/2022 13:51

chippys · 31/05/2022 13:00

And from a purely selfish point of view I'd hate for DD to get that friendship back and have to deal with the outcome of his DD's illness. Also, I'm still not completely over him so ideally would rather not see him!

There you go my love. Sound instincts. Don't fuck 'em up with any #BeKind over-thinking bullshit.

MumOfThreeNotTwo · 31/05/2022 13:51

From the child's perspective, I had a friend like this where we lived together then suddenly I was whisked away and she died. I found out years later and I was angry and heartbroken at my mum that she put her feelings before mine and robbed me of having that time with my friend. I didn't even get to go to her funeral. No closure. I think about her from time to time and all the stuff we never had a chance to say/do and it was over 20 years ago.
It's not going to disappear if she doesn't see her.

RedPlumbob · 31/05/2022 13:52

Testina · 31/05/2022 12:50

Call me cynical… and I’ve already replied about this coincidental timing of the girl asking for a play date just before the scan news…
But how do you know she even asked?
At my most cynical, I’d say the girl didn’t ask at all, and now hit by the awful news, he wants you back - the person who previously supported him through her illness and treatment. Even if not full on laying the groundwork for a relationship - could be he’s looking for a friendship where you give as you gave before.
You don’t exist to meet his emotional needs though. Like I said, I don’t trust someone who can be awful to a child.
I realise this is the extremely cynical position and I’m not saying it’s definitely what’s going on. But I think it’s worth considering.

I agree with you, 100%.

Testina · 31/05/2022 13:52

Goingforarun · 31/05/2022 13:49

That little girl was part of your family for six years and now everyone saying it’s okay to forget her? Talk to your daughter.

Except that’s not what anyone is saying 🙄
Let alone “everyone”.
Maybe go back and read the multiple posts suggesting contact through the mother?

For who are saying no to contact, literally no-one is saying just forget her, the little girl. Everyone is saying - be wary of his motivation, and protect your daughter.

DixonD · 31/05/2022 13:52

chippys · 31/05/2022 13:47

@PuggyMum My DD is 9. As far as she's aware, her ex step sister has fully recovered and won't get ill again.

It's interesting you say that about my ex not being able to handle my DD being well when his wasn't, as that's something I thought on a few occasions when we were together (due to a few comments he made).

I’d agree strongly with this. I believe a very close friend cut me off for the same reason.

Keepitonthedownlow · 31/05/2022 13:53

@Goingforarun it's not the sick girl's fault but it's not fair on the OP's DD who might be treated badly or cut off again.

A nice thing, for closure, might be for your DD to send a picture or card saying "thinking of you" or something. But only for closure for both girls.

PuggyMum · 31/05/2022 13:53

I saw @fatcatskinnyrat reply after I posted which is a similar perspective. I can't begin to imagine.

I guess at 9 she can't make that decision herself - he sounds like he'd probably tell her in the future too to be cruel.

user1471538283 · 31/05/2022 13:53

He will let you do all that you did whilst claiming he doesn't want a relationship, but then he does, then he doesn't and as soon as his DD is well again or he finds someone he does want a relationship with he will be off.

I would concentrate on my own DD, take her to other play dates. I know it is harsh but this will break your and potentially your DD's heart once again.

KettrickenSmiled · 31/05/2022 13:54

DoubleDiamond · 31/05/2022 13:11

This is what I would do, assuming that it is what your DD wants. I would also be quite clear with your ex about the reasons why you're being careful about boundaries.

Show quote history

You don't consult an 11 year old child on whether she thinks it's a good plan to welcome a selfish man & his dying child back into her life. You just don't.

Dillidilly · 31/05/2022 13:57

You don't consult an 11 year old child on whether she thinks it's a good plan to welcome a selfish man & his dying child back into her life. You just don't. @DoubleDiamond

Exactly. And she's not even 11, she's 9!

Testina · 31/05/2022 13:58

@FloydPepper “I know it’s easy to just assume “man must be an arse” on mumsnet, but maybe the op could do what’s right for her and her daughter without all the nasty assumptions about his motivation”

I do hear you. I have tried not to say this is his motivation but this could be.

But OP has not said that her ex has popped up even apologising for his behaviour, or at least acknowledging and explaining it. As that would be pretty key to the dilemma, I assume OP hasn’t mentioned it, because it didn’t happen.

It would be much more of a dilemma for me if he had apologised - or even if in the months after walking out he’d previously sent an, “it’s still over but I’m sorry that after 6 years I did it that way to you” message.

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