In a difficult position - upsetting

[chippys]

I've had to change a few details or this would be outing.

I was with my ex for 6 years and we both have daughters the same age (pre teens). We didn't live together. During those 6 years his DD was diagnosed with a very serious illness. After a whole year of treatment she was given the all clear.

At the end of last year my ex broke up with me out of the blue with no explanation or reason, was rather mean to my DD on his way out the door and I didn't hear from again. Until this week. I received a text to say that his DD had had her usual 6 month scan and the illness had returned, with the outcome this time being that she's not likely to get better, even with treatment. Of course, I'm devastated.

My ex said that the last few weeks his DD had been asking to see my DD (this was before the scan results) and would I be ok to meet up with them for a play date.

This is where I'm stuck. I know my DD would love to see his DD again, however, the way he left us with no explanation, and the way he spoke to me and my DD at the end was awful. I had to console my DD for months when he left as they were very close.

It seems that he wanted to arrange a play date even before he found out the terrible news. I would have said no then, but now I feel like if that's what his DD wants then I should of course say yes. I genuinely don't know what to do.

Chippys, I mean this kindly, please do not imagine I am being goady because this is AIBU ...

What is your life history, childhood background, that somebody could be this breathtakingly cruel, selfish & manipulative, & you wonder if you "ought" to now pander to & facilitate them?

Don't believe a word this arsehole says.
He is looking for a free childminder & an emotional dumping ground. He is a USER who hurt you for no reason at all, & what's worse, he hurt your child.

Fuck him, & fuck the lame donkey he rode back in on.

If he had started his plea with a wish to apologise for past behaviour, I’d have been more inclined. But you have not mentioned an apology.

I’m sorry about his daughter. But he was the one to walk out of your daughter’s life with no explanation and a nasty aside to boot. To a child.

I wouldn’t want to accommodate him at all.

The daughter and your daughter is different though. I would ask for the mum’s contact number first to see if this is indeed what their daughter wants.

This way, there is no need to involve the girls until necessary.

It is a tricky situation. Caused by a tricky person who deserves no place in the lives of you and your daughter. Involving your child in your break up is not the action of a decent man.

As sad as the news about his DD is I wholeheartedly agree with this.

Protect your DD 😢

I'm sorry you're in this situation. But remember how he treated her on his way out last time, and put her first I agree with this.

I'd also think about perhaps facilitating contact via the mother if you think your daughter might be sorry not have had the chance to say goodbye.

I think you need to protect your DD from hurt on this occasion. Message back and say it wouldn't be appropriate, request that he respect your decision and not contact you again.

Do the right thing for your daughters, let them meet up. Just because your ex is an ae doesn't mean they should suffer. His daughter probably misses you as well. I'm sure you can manage to be civil to him for the short time it takes to drop off and pick up xx

I'd be wary about all of it. It seems that despite being together for 6 years, neither you nor your DD actually made any attempt in the last 6 months to check in on his DD. That's not a criticism - just an observation that you were both happy to let that relationship lapse.
I think he's using his DD to try to re-establish contact. If you agree to it then you need to be clear-eyed that this is a tentative rekindling of the relationship. Do you want that? Are you happy to be available at the sending of a text after 6 months of no contact?
I'm not entirely convinced about his DD's recent diagnosis but yy you should also take into account if you want to put your DD through losing a friend. I don't think I'd bring that trauma on to a 9-yr-old. The little girl's other friends (who have remained in contact for the last six months) are better placed to support her and each other.

No I didn't get an apology or an explanation for the way he ended it. I've had total silence since he walked out at the end of last year. He randomly liked a couple of pictures of me on social media a few weeks back, and now I've had this text about arranging a play date.

My DD mentions his DD very rarely now and has no idea that she is poorly again. As far as she's concerned she's all better. It took me quite a long time to help DD come to terms with the way my ex left.

@chippys please don't do this to your 9 year old daughter x

Don't do it OP- there will be other people his DD can see.

You have to put your own feelings/recovery of you and your DD first.

He is 100% telling the truth about his DD - I bumped in to his best friend yesterday who confirmed it.

Put your daughter 100% first here. I wouldn’t rekindle to be honest because I wouldn’t trust him not to hurt her again.

Give DD the choice of seeing the girl. If she wants to see her, arrange to meet up without DD coming into contact with the ex at all.

Horrible situation but I think you need to put your DD first here and protect her. At 9, I think having a former friend/stepsister if you like back in her life for a few weeks before she passes away will be hugely traumatic. As you say, she’s only just moved past mentioning her all of the time which has taken half a year. She’s very young, I have a DD this age and from a selfish perspective, I’d want to shield her from the pain as much as possible.

Your ex was also horrible to you both so you owe him precisely nothing.

Exactly, so don’t expose DD to more harm by naively letting this man in again. He will do the same thing again.

SpiderinaWingMirror · Today 13:14
I think that the best thing is to leave it.
"Genuinely sorry to hear the news. I don't think it wise for DD to become involved with you and your family again, given the unkindness you showed her".

I would honestly say this and then block him. It is dignified and not rude. I'd probably add a sentence along the lines "She has grieved once for the loss of her sibling and it would be cruel to put her through that again."

He took her away from your DD who was then left to cope with the feeling of loss of a sibling with no further contact which is very cruel to a child. Now he wants to pick her up again after he dropped her, to use both her and you, as support. I wouldn't put a young child through this as it could be very traumatic for her. Once was enough. Yes, he is probably devastated at the prospect of losing his child, but this does not give him a pass to be unkind to others. Please protect your child (and you) from him.

Have you mentioned any of this to your DD? If not, then I'd definitely not be going along with this. It's very tragic about his DD, of course, but why should you put your DD through the pain of this - having already gone through the pain of losing the friendship?

It’s a hard no from me. How dare he tbh. He showed no care or concern for you or DD when he was so callous and cruel. She was better at the time and he had absolutely no excuse for being such an utterable dick. Through that and every day since he’s given you no consideration whatsoever until he wanted something. And he still hasn’t apologised!

What he’s going through is heartbreaking, for him and his family. You’re not his family anymore, that was his choice, and he has no right to drag you and your child into this tragedy. As things stand there’s no reason for DD to be further upset by this man and that’s how it should stay.

@BIWI No my DD doesn't know anything, I've not told her that he's been in contact or her ex step sister is poorly again.

i know many people here are ascribing cynical motives to him but it may be more complex than that. He’s had terrible news, if he instinctively reaches out for the support network he previously had that is understandable. I am not saying you should agree to what he wants at all but don’t let the idea he is cynically trying to use you make you feel even more sad.

These girls must be like sisters to each other? Personally I would support their relationship.

You need to talk to your own daughter, explain what you know and let her help make the decision.

How would your daughter feel knowing that the other child died without them seeing each other even though the opportunity was there? If it was me I imagine it would be heart breaking.

Whatever happens, keep your ex out of your life in case he is trying to worm his way back. What a hard position you are in.

I'd be wary about all of it. It seems that despite being together for 6 years, neither you nor your DD actually made any attempt in the last 6 months to check in on his DD. That's not a criticism - just an observation that you were both happy to let that relationship lapse.

For crying out loud @DaisyQuakeJohnson - he summarily dumped them in tandem, telling them he was sick of them both, & that OP was never to contact him again.

& you pop up to wag your finger at OP?!
& somehow make it her fault & tell her she was HAPPY to be dumped out of the blue & her child hurt?

AnneLovesGilbert's post sums it up very well.

I wouldnt do it. I would ignore it