In a difficult position - upsetting

[chippys]

I've had to change a few details or this would be outing.

I was with my ex for 6 years and we both have daughters the same age (pre teens). We didn't live together. During those 6 years his DD was diagnosed with a very serious illness. After a whole year of treatment she was given the all clear.

At the end of last year my ex broke up with me out of the blue with no explanation or reason, was rather mean to my DD on his way out the door and I didn't hear from again. Until this week. I received a text to say that his DD had had her usual 6 month scan and the illness had returned, with the outcome this time being that she's not likely to get better, even with treatment. Of course, I'm devastated.

My ex said that the last few weeks his DD had been asking to see my DD (this was before the scan results) and would I be ok to meet up with them for a play date.

This is where I'm stuck. I know my DD would love to see his DD again, however, the way he left us with no explanation, and the way he spoke to me and my DD at the end was awful. I had to console my DD for months when he left as they were very close.

It seems that he wanted to arrange a play date even before he found out the terrible news. I would have said no then, but now I feel like if that's what his DD wants then I should of course say yes. I genuinely don't know what to do.

In view of this I’d tell him you are sorry but NO and then block him on everything.

No I wouldnt/couldn't do that to my daughter.

She has got over the breakup and not seeing his daughter again.

He wants to restart that friendship, until she either passes away or he decides he's had enough of you both again.

Leave him in the past.

It does sound like he is using you op. He knows that you were good with his dd last time around and it just suits him. It doesn't seem very fair on your dd either especially after he was so unpleasant to her for no reason.

So tough. I would say if you can facilitate the contact without his involvement, it’s worth doing, both for you and your DD. You both care about this little girl and although her illness is a sad thing for your DD to deal with, might it also not be hard if the child dies and your DD wishes she Gad seen her (and you do too)?
if he is part of the package though I think the balance tilts away from contact. But it’s very hard for you, there is no “good” option here. You have all my sympathy.

Our DD's were quite close but his DD does have other friends for support so not sure why he thinks our girls suddenly need to start seeing each other again.

No, I'd not agree to this for your daughter's sake. It's very sad about his daughter but it's not appropriate to bring him back into your DD's life on any level and she has to come first.

Really difficult position OP

I would be inclined to say no to protect your dd

Only query is, would she likely find out if/when his dd died, and how would she feel about not getting to say goodbye?

You know your dd best and you are not obligated in any way, shape or form to do something that could hurt you both

I’d avoid, OP. While the girls might like to see each other, your daughter will have to lose her friend all over again in the most painful way imaginable.

What is in it for your daughter? Or you?

Now I don’t mean we should only do things that suit us, of course not but I’m asking you to look objectively at the reasons he wants you to meet up. Your daughter would be re-traumatised by getting close to her and then she passes away. As would you. And that’s without him using you for emotional support until he’s ready to drop you again. Then there is the reason he walked out to deal with. Then your daughter has to face him again after all the upset he caused last time, just as she’s healing from it all. So I ask again…what’s in it for either of you?

I’m another one who doesn’t believe she asked before the diagnosis. Too many men use women as we have been socialised to be kind and compassionate, when they need an emotional crutch. He took her out of your life and said goodbye then.

Of course I’d be devastated too and feel sadness and compassion, but I would consider it in the best interests of my own daughter to leave them both in the past, as sad as that is. My sympathies OP, this must be incredibly difficult for you. 🌸

Play date my arse, I doubt his DD has said any such thing. He wants a nurse.

The way in which he ended it was so awful that I would never let him anywhere near my DD again. He will just fuck with your heads further if you allow him.

That’s assuming what he said about his DD’s illness is true.

It would be a hell no from me.

and then walked out telling me never to get in contact with him again.

Remind him of that, then block him. Nobody knows exactly what he's wanting, but I'm sure it's not as simple as his DD wants to see yours. There's an agenda in there somewhere. For yourself and your daughter, don't get drawn into his game playing. Because that's what it is, and disgraceful that he's using his DD's serious illness as the way to do it. Keep yourselves safe emotionally.

"I don't want to talk to you at all, but (his DD's Mum) can ring me to discuss this if she wants to"

From an independent POV this looks so cynically manipulative I hardly know where to start.

I feel desperately sorry for his poor DD, but agree that it is in your DDs best interest to say say nothing to her and refuse his request.

He treated you and your DD very unkindly, why would you want to get drawn back into that again?

Your daughter should not be used as some kind of emotional support for another child who is terminally ill.
That is completely inappropriate.
Please don't do this to your daughter.

I'm going to sound brutal here, but I wouldn't do it. Kids have loads of friends - make them, enjoy them, move on etc etc. You're just opening a huge can of worms by your DD then having to deal with a bereavement at a young age. Whereas, if you don't acknowledge it, it's a girl she used to know. A good friend of mine from when I was a teenager died when we were in our 20's. I was sad but because I wasn't in her immediate circle anymore, it didn't affect me emotionally.

Because he hasn’t had sex since he walked out, and thinks you’ll forgive him the ending and the lack of contact since because of the situation with his daughter 🤷🏻‍♀️

I can give you this from the other side of the story. I assume the DD of your ex has something like cancer or similar.

My DS had cancer as well. At end of treatment (DS also obtained remission and 6 years later is going great guns) I lost it and went a little doolally myself. I alienated friends, family, neighbours. I didn't want their sympathy and I could not share the pain with anyone. I had so much to process. For the whole of treatment you are keeping it on an even level but once that finished you have to deal with yourself. I was later diagnosed with PTSD but I did and said a lot of things i now regret for a few months after the end of treatment.

People on this thread are looking at your ex's actions through the window of those who have not walked this terrible path. Of course on the surface his actions look cruel. However I can look at it through the murky window I once looked out from. I feel for him if, as you say, during your relationship was a great guy and only went off the rail at the end. The person he was in the relationship, in normal times, is who he actually is. Perhaps he is now feeling guilt for how he reacted - I know I certainly did and do.

Just some food for thought. Don't judge until you walk in the horrible shoes of watching your child go through this hideous treatment. And cut him some slack now that the thing us cancer parents fear the most every day, the relapse, has happened.

ps: Am now back to my actual self and have made amends with some, but not all, of the aggrieved.

So glad the advice is one of suspicion.

This man was deeply unkind to you and your daughter.
He didn't have to be, but he chose to be.

Your daughter has gone through enough.

Whilst I feel for his daughter and understand your wish to be kind, HE chose the brutal ending without a care for either children.

You know your child.

How do you think she will go through possible palliative care with her friend if you are sucked back in?

This happened to someone I know and the grief dominated her house for two years, when her childs lovely friend died of leukaemia at 14.

The whole family ended up in therapy as well as her daughter on her own, as the grief was so huge.

Selfishly, I would not walk my child back into that scenario when her father ended things so brutally.

I would not trust him for a minute and I would protect my child.

I think replying with best wishes to his daughter but due to the sheer awfulness of his behaviour towards YOUR daughter, you think its best for her that there is no further contact.

I would explain that to your daughter too.

Perhaps the poorly dd isn't actually bothered about the playdate at all.

I had to console my DD for months when he left as they were very close.

So I really wouldn't risk putting your DD through this again. I'd ignore the message and block (which I know sounds brutal but you need to put your DD first).

I think I would actually be wondering if he's even telling the truth about his daughter's illness at this point.

Assuming that he isn't lying, however, it would still be a no from me. He's a horrible man and he's using not only you, but also your DD. He's not doing this for his daughter; he's doing it for himself. He didn't care about his DD's relationship with yours when he effectively ended their friendship by leaving without warning.

Your update about the manner in which he left and what he said to your DD absolutely confirm my view that you and your DD should not have any involvement with this man. He's already devastated your DD once, and I don't think going through the additional trauma of reconnecting with a child who is dying is going to be in any way good for her.

I am pretty confident that if his DD is terminally ill, her mum will make sure she has support from friends and family and is much loved and cared for in every possible way. I don't think it would be in any way harmful or upsetting for her if she doesn't get a playdate with your DD.

I'm slightly reeling from the fact that he chose to tell you the awful news that his DD - a child who was in your life for six years and who you were obviously very close to - was dying by text.

I think my gut instinct would be to keep my DD out of it.

And honestly, given you're not completely over him, I'd stay well out of it too.

Because you were good to him, you're a nice person and he wants to restart you being his emotional support. I don't think that you facilitating your girls seeing each other is fair on them or you. He's being incredibly unfair. I would send him your genuine sympathy and best wishes, as I'm conscious that obviously you care for his daughter and her diagnosis is heartbreaking, but then entirely disengage.

How old is your DD? Would it be an option to ask her?

Im also veering towards no after he was so heartless towards her though. My first thought was he couldn't handle your dd being well and now he wants to offload onto you and your DD and make you both feel like shit again.

Another option is for you to see his DD first and check the lay of the land.

You're between a rock and a hard place though. Sending lots of love.

So sorry you went through this. Your perspective is really valuable for those of us who haven’t been in this situation. I hope I’d be able to forgive and move on. Glad to hear things are better for you now.