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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a difficult position - upsetting

289 replies

chippys · 31/05/2022 12:30

I've had to change a few details or this would be outing.

I was with my ex for 6 years and we both have daughters the same age (pre teens). We didn't live together. During those 6 years his DD was diagnosed with a very serious illness. After a whole year of treatment she was given the all clear.

At the end of last year my ex broke up with me out of the blue with no explanation or reason, was rather mean to my DD on his way out the door and I didn't hear from again. Until this week. I received a text to say that his DD had had her usual 6 month scan and the illness had returned, with the outcome this time being that she's not likely to get better, even with treatment. Of course, I'm devastated.

My ex said that the last few weeks his DD had been asking to see my DD (this was before the scan results) and would I be ok to meet up with them for a play date.

This is where I'm stuck. I know my DD would love to see his DD again, however, the way he left us with no explanation, and the way he spoke to me and my DD at the end was awful. I had to console my DD for months when he left as they were very close.

It seems that he wanted to arrange a play date even before he found out the terrible news. I would have said no then, but now I feel like if that's what his DD wants then I should of course say yes. I genuinely don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Honeysuckle9 · 31/05/2022 14:19

I wouldn’t go there. Of course anyone would want to make a sick child happier but this is just far too messy for everyone involved

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2022 14:20

chippys · 31/05/2022 13:14

@Testina He basically broke up with me in front of DD. We were all sitting on the sofa and he literally stood up and told me that he was sick of me, said the same to DD and then walked out telling me never to get in contact with him again.

Then take him at his word.

What a vile thing to do.

Don't trust him

5128gap · 31/05/2022 14:21

I would let the girls see each other. Why ever not? So what if he tries to worm his way back in or cross boundaries? You stay firm and don't allow it. Treat him like any other parent of a friend of your DD. You don't need to support him. Unless he is abusive and you're intimidated by him he can't make you do anything you don't want to do.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 31/05/2022 14:21

chippys · 31/05/2022 13:00

And from a purely selfish point of view I'd hate for DD to get that friendship back and have to deal with the outcome of his DD's illness. Also, I'm still not completely over him so ideally would rather not see him!

I would say no. Why put your daughter through all that?

Wor · 31/05/2022 14:22

Wow a lot of different issues here.

If his DD is dying and one of her last requests is to see your DD again, then I would do it for the dying child, even if it is hard for you and your DD.

I would agree to it on the condition that there be minimal contact with the ex.

Before the playdate, I would explain to your DD that the other girl is ill again and no one knows what will happen in the future. I wouldn’t say she is definitely dying unless I had to 🙈

But that is what I would do. Your decision.

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2022 14:23

chippys · 31/05/2022 14:13

@BIWI No my DD doesn't know anything, I've not told her that he's been in contact or her ex step sister is poorly again.

Maybe reframe the relationship in your mind.

You didn't live together, neither of you were parental figures so they weren't 'step sisters', just friends.

And unless you know that his daughter has asked for yours I'd stay away

FuchsAndMöhr · 31/05/2022 14:24

5128gap · 31/05/2022 14:21

I would let the girls see each other. Why ever not? So what if he tries to worm his way back in or cross boundaries? You stay firm and don't allow it. Treat him like any other parent of a friend of your DD. You don't need to support him. Unless he is abusive and you're intimidated by him he can't make you do anything you don't want to do.

Why ever not?

Have you even bothered to consider the emotional trauma this could cause the OP’s DD 🤷🏼‍♀️

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2022 14:24

chippys · 31/05/2022 14:05

No I didn't get an apology or an explanation for the way he ended it. I've had total silence since he walked out at the end of last year. He randomly liked a couple of pictures of me on social media a few weeks back, and now I've had this text about arranging a play date.

My DD mentions his DD very rarely now and has no idea that she is poorly again. As far as she's concerned she's all better. It took me quite a long time to help DD come to terms with the way my ex left.

Block him

lanthanum · 31/05/2022 14:25

You are going to tell your DD about his DD's illness being back at some point. She might be very upset if she discovers in the future that she has died and nobody told her. So I think if nothing else, you need to break the news to her, and from that you will probably find out whether she would like to see her or not. It might well make sense to find a way for the girls to meet up without the two of you having to see each other, though. Is there a friend or family member who can facilitate that?

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2022 14:25

StoppinBy · 31/05/2022 14:14

These girls must be like sisters to each other? Personally I would support their relationship.

You need to talk to your own daughter, explain what you know and let her help make the decision.

How would your daughter feel knowing that the other child died without them seeing each other even though the opportunity was there? If it was me I imagine it would be heart breaking.

Whatever happens, keep your ex out of your life in case he is trying to worm his way back. What a hard position you are in.

They didn't even live together so how often did they meet?

Original poster
chippys · 31/05/2022 14:25

@Nanny0gg No they didn't live together but they saw each other an awful lot and had plenty of sleep overs.

OP posts:
Testina · 31/05/2022 14:28

“He randomly liked a couple of pictures of me on social media a few weeks back, and now I've had this text about arranging a play date.”

Yeah, so liking your pictures was definitely because his daughter wanted a play date.

GlitteryGreen · 31/05/2022 14:29

I know it seems harsh on his DD, but personally I wouldn't do it.

The man left you in a hurtful way, hasn't contacted you since and now essentially wants a favour which will inevitably lead to a lot of heartache for your own DD when she has to learn how ill her friend is, and eventually lose her.

Also, he likely wants to draw you back in to use you for support as he goes through this horrific time - which is understandable from his point of view, but holds no advantage for you.

The bottom line for me is, don't feel pressured into doing this when there is no good to come of it for either yourself or your DD. You two are the ones you need to prioritise, just as he is prioritising himself and his DD.

BlooberryBiskits · 31/05/2022 14:30

Testina · 31/05/2022 12:50

Call me cynical… and I’ve already replied about this coincidental timing of the girl asking for a play date just before the scan news…
But how do you know she even asked?
At my most cynical, I’d say the girl didn’t ask at all, and now hit by the awful news, he wants you back - the person who previously supported him through her illness and treatment. Even if not full on laying the groundwork for a relationship - could be he’s looking for a friendship where you give as you gave before.
You don’t exist to meet his emotional needs though. Like I said, I don’t trust someone who can be awful to a child.
I realise this is the extremely cynical position and I’m not saying it’s definitely what’s going on. But I think it’s worth considering.

sorry to say but having been in the situation myself, id say he may be looking for your support and will do the same thing again

is it in your daughters interest to get close to and support his DD during her illness?

if he hadn’t been awful to you both I might have more sympathy but tbh: this helps him/them not the two of you

Dillidilly · 31/05/2022 14:30

@chippys I think you also need to consider that the other child may look very unwell, which might be very upsetting for your daughter.
Your daughter is a 9 year old little girl. She has already been emotionally abused by your ex.
She isn't a teenager. At 9, she does not have the emotional maturity to process this whole situation. Please don't do this to her.

5128gap · 31/05/2022 14:35

FuchsAndMöhr · 31/05/2022 14:24

Why ever not?

Have you even bothered to consider the emotional trauma this could cause the OP’s DD 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

Of course. But OPs DD wants to see the other child and if the child dies and DD hasn't been allowed to see her that's potentially very harmful too. Are you suggesting that terminally ill children should all be made to end their days without seeing their friends, so their friends can be shielded from the fact of illness and death?

purplecorkheart · 31/05/2022 14:36

What a hard situation to be in and to be honest I have no idea what I would do in this situation.

Your first priority is your daughter and I don't think that bring him back into her life is good for her. I understand that he is on a hugely hard and upsetting journey but you need to protect your daughter.

While it would be lovely for the girls to rekindle their friendship is this really going to benefit either of them. The reality is his step daughter is most likely going to be undergoing quite tough treatment and be very unwell which could be very distressing for your daughter to witness.

As other asked is your daughter likely to find out that your ex's daughter is ill?

I think if I was in your position I would reach out tot the girl's mom by letter/card/note and ask if she thinks that it would be ok for your daughter maybe to send a note or card or become penpals.

Hankunamatata · 31/05/2022 14:37

I would be selfish and protect your dd. I would ignore his request and block him.

CPL593H · 31/05/2022 14:37

How long before he finished with you was his daughter clear of her illness (sorry if I missed this) ?

It is a sad situation but he has hurt your daughter once and I wouldn't give him the chance to do it again. He has had months to get back in touch if he thought he'd treated you both unfairly and he didn't. I also have doubts about his real motives but that is immaterial, the only concern for you here is your daughter's wellbeing.

I'd be blocking on all channels of communication.

Original poster
chippys · 31/05/2022 14:40

I think it would be very unlikely that my DD would find out his DD is ill again. They don't share any friends etc. My DD was so kind to his DD when she was going through treatment last time - she'd wear a hat too when his DD lost her hair and would push DD in her wheelchair when we were out to try and make it more 'fun'.

I'm not sure I could put DD through all of that again this time knowing her friend isn't going to get better this time.

OP posts:
pussycatlickinglollyices · 31/05/2022 14:40

Block him.

Nothing good for you or your DD will come of this.

caringcarer · 31/05/2022 14:40

I would tell him no and not even mention it to my dd. Nothing to do with him either. I would not want my own dd having to get her friend back only to lose her and have to go through funeral.

Original poster
chippys · 31/05/2022 14:41

@CPL593H He finished with me about 5 months after his daughter got the all clear.

OP posts:
Opal2022 · 31/05/2022 14:41

While I hold the biggest sympathy for his poor DD I would put my own DD first. She may always hold a bit of sadness from how that relationship ended and her friend and a trusted adult disappeared on her. Why should she have to grieve the loss again. No way.

calmlakes · 31/05/2022 14:42

Of course. But OPs DD wants to see the other child and if the child dies and DD hasn't been allowed to see her that's potentially very harmful too. Are you suggesting that terminally ill children should all be made to end their days without seeing their friends, so their friends can be shielded from the fact of illness and death?

I absolutely don't think terminally ill dc should be kept from their friends. But these dc haven't been friends for months. The primary relationship wasn't the friendship between the girls but an adult relationship which was abruptly terminated.
There was no effort made at that point to keep the girls friendship going.
If OP wants to rekindle the girls friendship doing it via the girls mother would be a more child focused way of doing this.