Page 11 | In a difficult position - upsetting

chippys · 2022-05-31T11:30:44+00:00

I've had to change a few details or this would be outing. I was with my ex for 6 years and we both have daughters the same age (pre teens). We didn't live together. During those 6 years his DD was diagnosed with a very serious illness. After a whole year of treatment she was given the all clear. At the end of last year my ex broke up with me out of the blue with no explanation or reason, was rather mean to my DD on his way out the door and I didn't hear from again. Until this week. I received a text to say that his DD had had her usual 6 month scan and the illness had returned, with the outcome this time being that she's not likely to get better, even with treatment. Of course, I'm devastated. My ex said that the last few weeks his DD had been asking to see my DD (this was before the scan results) and would I be ok to meet up with them for a play date. This is where I'm stuck. I know my DD would love to see his DD again, however, the way he left us with no explanation, and the way he spoke to me and my DD at the end was awful. I had to console my DD for months when he left as they were very close. It seems that he wanted to arrange a play date even before he found out the terrible news. I would have said no then, but now I feel like if that's what his DD wants then I should of course say yes. I genuinely don't know what to do.

CoralPaperweight · 31/05/2022 17:51

If your DD was 11 or so I would give her the choice, but at 9 no I would not be facilitating a playdate or meet up in these circumstances. If you live in the same general area, you will however need to tell your DD about your ex's daughters illness in due course - better to be honest and upfront as I bet it will get back to your DD somehow.

KettrickenSmiled · 31/05/2022 17:56

BadNomad · 31/05/2022 17:30

I would request an apology from him to your daughter first before you even consider involving your daughter in something that is going to end in heartbreak for her.

How would an apology from this awful man help DD manage the totally unnecessary heartbreak of losing her friend a second time?

TheWayoftheLeaf · 31/05/2022 18:00

I would do it for his daughter. And your daughter. I would ask her to come to you. And ask him to not stay or to wait in the car.

Wheresthebeach · 31/05/2022 18:03

I would refuse. The timing is odd, and I think you're being drawn back in for very selfish reasons. You are potentially putting your daughter through a very harrowing experience. Leaving with no explanation is, imo, awful. He's put you're daughter through a lot too - cutting her out of their lives completely.

Steer clear.

KettrickenSmiled · 31/05/2022 18:05

With such high stakes for each of the DDs, I would contact her mother directly.

The stakes are currently as low as can be managed for OP's DD.
I would recommend leaving them that way.

Why engineer an upsetting situation?
One day, DD may ask OP what happened to her near-sister.
Or DD may be old enough to be told, depending on if/when this poor little girl dies.
Nobody has to go through the convoluted process of "well her dad told me she was dying but I didn't tell you". Just "sad news lovie, remember when Jenny was poorly? She was very poorly again, & she has died" in whatever age-appropriate way serves at the time.

When I was a small kid, adults told me when eg grandparents had died.
They didn't harp on about terminal illnesses, how long they had known their parent was at death's door, stage death-bed scenes ... or even worse, long drawn-out goodbyes via hospital & upsettiing medical procedures.
Because I was a CHILD.
All I needed to know was "grandpa loved you very much, & he's died to go & be with grandma".

BadNomad · 31/05/2022 18:18

KettrickenSmiled · 31/05/2022 17:56

How would an apology from this awful man help DD manage the totally unnecessary heartbreak of losing her friend a second time?

Show quote history

I didn't say it would. Her daughter deserves an apology for the way she was treated by that man. Whether the OP should agree to a playdate is a different matter.

Pegasaurus · 31/05/2022 18:33

For many reasons, put your own daughter and yourself first and do not agree to this. It's desperately sad about his dd, but neither of you exist as some kind of support system for him to dip in and out of as and when suits.

And block his access to your social media.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 31/05/2022 18:33

This is such a sad situation, however I would not meet up.

I know that sounds terrible but your ex was despicably cruel and inappropriate to behave and say the things he did in front of your DD and I would not want this man in any kind of contact with my child ever again. There really is no excuse for what he did and it potentially could have been very emotionally damaging for her.

I would also want to shield my daughter from the confusion, fear and heartbreak of reconnecting with a friend who is dying. Obviously we cant shield our children forever from tragic events, and neither should we but in this specific situation I just don't think it would be in any way constructive for your daughter.

She would have to process her feelings about your ex on top of dealing with immense sadness and the trauma of bereavement.

Honestly I think he sounds incredibly manipulative and just wants a temporary emotional crutch.

Porcupineintherough · 31/05/2022 18:40

I would also want to shield my daughter from the confusion, fear and heartbreak of reconnecting with a friend who is dying.

I would too - but if they were in each others lives for 6 years until last year then this child's death is something she is going to have to deal with emotionally. Only the OP can decide if that will be easier or harder on her dd if the next thing she hears about this child is that she has died.

RealBecca · 31/05/2022 18:42

Hard. take the ex put of the equation.

I'd probably set up the playdate explain to DD that step-DD is unwell and then make excuses not to meet again. That way they can have a last bit of time together without complicating an already hard situation. That leaves room to go to step DD funeral if DD wants to. X

PinkTonic · 31/05/2022 18:54

FatCatSkinnyRat · 31/05/2022 13:39

I can give you this from the other side of the story. I assume the DD of your ex has something like cancer or similar.

My DS had cancer as well. At end of treatment (DS also obtained remission and 6 years later is going great guns) I lost it and went a little doolally myself. I alienated friends, family, neighbours. I didn't want their sympathy and I could not share the pain with anyone. I had so much to process. For the whole of treatment you are keeping it on an even level but once that finished you have to deal with yourself. I was later diagnosed with PTSD but I did and said a lot of things i now regret for a few months after the end of treatment.

People on this thread are looking at your ex's actions through the window of those who have not walked this terrible path. Of course on the surface his actions look cruel. However I can look at it through the murky window I once looked out from. I feel for him if, as you say, during your relationship was a great guy and only went off the rail at the end. The person he was in the relationship, in normal times, is who he actually is. Perhaps he is now feeling guilt for how he reacted - I know I certainly did and do.

Just some food for thought. Don't judge until you walk in the horrible shoes of watching your child go through this hideous treatment. And cut him some slack now that the thing us cancer parents fear the most every day, the relapse, has happened.

ps: Am now back to my actual self and have made amends with some, but not all, of the aggrieved.

Why is irrelevant. He behaved cruelly and the OP owes him nothing. It doesn’t suit her to get involved again and she shouldn’t be guilt tripped into it.

I’m speaking as someone who had a sick child and six years of living hell.

whumpthereitis · 31/05/2022 19:01

It doesn’t really matter what excuse someone has for treating you badly though, does it? It’s not like the reason has any bearing on the outcome, which is pain inflicted. No one is obliged to accept mistreatment, nor put themselves (and their children) back in the firing line for it.

I genuinely would carry on moving forwards with your daughter. Don’t take her back to the past that hurt her.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/05/2022 19:19

FatCatSkinnyRat · 31/05/2022 13:39

I can give you this from the other side of the story. I assume the DD of your ex has something like cancer or similar.

My DS had cancer as well. At end of treatment (DS also obtained remission and 6 years later is going great guns) I lost it and went a little doolally myself. I alienated friends, family, neighbours. I didn't want their sympathy and I could not share the pain with anyone. I had so much to process. For the whole of treatment you are keeping it on an even level but once that finished you have to deal with yourself. I was later diagnosed with PTSD but I did and said a lot of things i now regret for a few months after the end of treatment.

People on this thread are looking at your ex's actions through the window of those who have not walked this terrible path. Of course on the surface his actions look cruel. However I can look at it through the murky window I once looked out from. I feel for him if, as you say, during your relationship was a great guy and only went off the rail at the end. The person he was in the relationship, in normal times, is who he actually is. Perhaps he is now feeling guilt for how he reacted - I know I certainly did and do.

Just some food for thought. Don't judge until you walk in the horrible shoes of watching your child go through this hideous treatment. And cut him some slack now that the thing us cancer parents fear the most every day, the relapse, has happened.

ps: Am now back to my actual self and have made amends with some, but not all, of the aggrieved.

FatCatSkinnyRat
"I feel for him if, as you say, during your relationship was a great guy and only went off the rail at the end. The person he was in the relationship, in normal times, is who he actually is."

Alternately - he was able to successfully wear a mask when the relationship met his wants and wearing that mask sustained the relationship, and discarded it immediately when he decided it no longer met his wants. There are people like that.

Bournetilly · 31/05/2022 19:33

I think you should speak to your daughter about it and tell her the situation in an appropriate way. If she ever finds out in the future that the girl died (she likely will with social media) she could find it hard to forgive you.

I think if she did want to see her the best way to go about it is arrange it with the girls mum (ask your ex for her number/ to explain the situation to her, she probably knows her DD wants to see yours unless he’s making that up to see you). I wouldn’t let him back in your life after the way he spoke to your DD and the fact your not fully over him.

StripeyDeckchair · 31/05/2022 19:38

He disappeared without a thought for you or your daughter, he was verbally abusive to your daughter & suddenly his daughter has relapsed & wants to see your daughter?
That would be firm NO from me.
He wants a nurse for his daughter ie you
What harm will this do to your daughter?

Original poster

chippys · 31/05/2022 19:47

@DivorcedAndDelighted What you said here -

OP, I'm getting the impression from your posts that you don't want the girls to meet up again, but want reassurance because it's such an emotionally loaded situation?

Basically that's exactly what I'm feeling!

OP posts:

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 31/05/2022 19:50

TheVanguardSix · 31/05/2022 16:35

For the child who is dying, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
For your own daughter, who will go on to grow up glad that she got to be a true friend and got to say goodbye, her heart will be even bigger.
The abrupt ending your DP offered won't get to mark the end of their friendship.
Give the children this win.

I lost my two friends when I was a child. The grief was enormous... bigger than me. But the loss of them also made me a much better human being. I took stock of this life and gave great thought as to who I wanted to be. I still give this great thought. I learned the value of love, of giving, and living at a young age. Your daughter will learn this too, in the hardest of ways, but she'll be alright.

Why would you assume OP's ex would behave any better this time? There is no indication of it. He didn't try to make amends. He didn't reach out until now. The only way to safeguard her DD from another 'abrupt ending' is not to engage.

Your situation was tragic but it was not complicated by a potentially abusive and manipulative adult relationship at its centre where contact could suddenly be withdrawn again, and when OP's emotional rollercoaster on engaging with this man could also impact her DD's stability. There is no 'win'. OP's DD is happy. Her ex's DD is supported by her family and friends who have been constants for her. The only 'win' is for a man who has so little regard for OP's DD that he dropped all contact without a second thought.

PinkTonic · 31/05/2022 20:30

chippys · 31/05/2022 19:47

@DivorcedAndDelighted What you said here -

OP, I'm getting the impression from your posts that you don't want the girls to meet up again, but want reassurance because it's such an emotionally loaded situation?

Basically that's exactly what I'm feeling!

Then don’t do it. You put yourself and your own child first and don’t let anyone guilt you. 💐

Testina · 31/05/2022 20:31

Another thing to throw in, if the girls were so close…

What exactly do you think he said to his daughter, 6 months ago, to explain why both your daughter and you had just disappeared from her life?

The nicest thing he could have said about you was that it was a joint decision and you both felt a clean break was best. Which still leaves some room with the daughter to be angry with you.

But do you really think he didn’t say it was your wishes?

theonlygirl · 31/05/2022 20:57

I really feel for you OP, what an awful dilemma. If your DD was even a few years older you could explain everything about the other child's illness and she might be able to cope but at 9 I think this is a lot, too much. obviously I guess siblings have to deal with this at the age of 9 but then there is a family unit to draw support from at the time and in the future.
But that's not what's going to happen here, he's just going to bugger off again. i also think he's hoping you will do a lot of the heavy lifting here. And after the way he left you which was disgusting it would probably be a no from me.

JacquelineCarlyle · 31/05/2022 20:58

I agree with @PinkTonic - put yourself and your DD first and let this go. You're not his support human and whilst it's desperately sad that his DD is so ill, it's no longer anything to do with you (which was exactly how he chose it to be).

You don't need to justify your actions / decisions to anyone.

mcmooberry · 31/05/2022 21:01

It's a no from me too after reading what he said as he departed. What sort of adult would ever say to a child that they were sick of them as they broke up with their mother, someone implying that they were partly the reason for the break up??! I would find that totally unforgivable.

However, if the girls were close I would be also be reluctant to turn my back on the ill friend. I know you didn't have much to do with the mother but could she bring her round so you don't ever have to see your ex again?

Darbs76 · 31/05/2022 21:07

It’s ok to say no and wish them all the best. I think that will be the best thing for you and I have to agree I doubt his daughter has been asking for your daughter

catandcoffee · 31/05/2022 21:07

No I wouldn't make any contact with him. As sad as the situation is, I would put my daughters mental health first

I would send sympathy and block him... for your sake and your daughters.

Do not let anyone guilt trip you into anything.

He didn't give any thought about your daughter, when he upped and left.

FuchsAndMöhr · 31/05/2022 22:38

TheVanguardSix · 31/05/2022 16:35

For the child who is dying, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
For your own daughter, who will go on to grow up glad that she got to be a true friend and got to say goodbye, her heart will be even bigger.
The abrupt ending your DP offered won't get to mark the end of their friendship.
Give the children this win.

I lost my two friends when I was a child. The grief was enormous... bigger than me. But the loss of them also made me a much better human being. I took stock of this life and gave great thought as to who I wanted to be. I still give this great thought. I learned the value of love, of giving, and living at a young age. Your daughter will learn this too, in the hardest of ways, but she'll be alright.

You paint a very romantic picture of children dealing with death. I suspect it won’t be the life enhancer you found it for the majority 😢