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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a difficult position - upsetting

289 replies

chippys · 31/05/2022 12:30

I've had to change a few details or this would be outing.

I was with my ex for 6 years and we both have daughters the same age (pre teens). We didn't live together. During those 6 years his DD was diagnosed with a very serious illness. After a whole year of treatment she was given the all clear.

At the end of last year my ex broke up with me out of the blue with no explanation or reason, was rather mean to my DD on his way out the door and I didn't hear from again. Until this week. I received a text to say that his DD had had her usual 6 month scan and the illness had returned, with the outcome this time being that she's not likely to get better, even with treatment. Of course, I'm devastated.

My ex said that the last few weeks his DD had been asking to see my DD (this was before the scan results) and would I be ok to meet up with them for a play date.

This is where I'm stuck. I know my DD would love to see his DD again, however, the way he left us with no explanation, and the way he spoke to me and my DD at the end was awful. I had to console my DD for months when he left as they were very close.

It seems that he wanted to arrange a play date even before he found out the terrible news. I would have said no then, but now I feel like if that's what his DD wants then I should of course say yes. I genuinely don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Eddielizzard · 31/05/2022 13:11

He's behaved very very badly and I'd be disinclined to believe anything he says. I'd be thinking of my DD here, and also yourself, and I don't think this is a good situation to get involved in again. If the girls had maintained a friendship after he had left that would be a very different story. Seems to me that he wants to take advantage. He showed absolutely no concern for you before.

DoubleDiamond · 31/05/2022 13:11

Tessasanderson · 31/05/2022 12:53

You have said your DD would love to see his DD. Keep all the parent/relationship shit out of it.

Tell him you want nothing to do with him, but you would love to have his DD over for the day. Have some brilliant girly time, let them bond and give this young girl some relief from her illness.

This is what I would do, assuming that it is what your DD wants. I would also be quite clear with your ex about the reasons why you're being careful about boundaries.

Eddielizzard · 31/05/2022 13:13

I think it's very likely that he's trying to manipulate you by saying his DD wanted to see yours long before the scan. But somehow his fingers didn't work then? He's trying to cover up the timing while doing his best to manipulate you into agreeing. He knows it's shit.

Marmite27 · 31/05/2022 13:13

Your daughter has already grieved for the loss of this child in her life once, don’t make her do it again.

Original poster
chippys · 31/05/2022 13:14

@Testina He basically broke up with me in front of DD. We were all sitting on the sofa and he literally stood up and told me that he was sick of me, said the same to DD and then walked out telling me never to get in contact with him again.

OP posts:
PriestessofPing · 31/05/2022 13:14

It is a difficult one, but it appears he hasn’t been bothered about facilitating an ongoing friendship between your respective daughters up until now. It’s a lot to ask for your daughter to reinstate a friendship that was taken from her with no further contact so she can support his daughter who is unwell.

Its very sad, but he didn’t have any qualms about leaving you with no explanation and he’s only in touch now because he wants his daughter to see yours - even though he was unkind to her. It’s not a given, but it appears he is also looking for support from you as well. While I feel for both him and his daughter if the prognosis isn’t good, it’s deeply unfair of him to expect you and your daughter to suddenly become a support system.

In this case I would say no. It looks like it could be a rough fall out for you and your daughter and you’re still not over him.

Testina · 31/05/2022 13:14

Although I’m in the no camp, you could reply, “<sympathetic part of message> given our history I don’t want to resume contact with you. Let me have <mum> number, and I’ll think about contacting her directly.”

If he’s contacted you purely because he wants his daughter to see her friend, no selfish motivation, he’ll give you the number.

If you read that thinking - no he won’t - then you have your answer about his motivation.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 31/05/2022 13:14

I think that the best thing is to leave it.
"Genuinely sorry to hear the news. I don't think it wise for DD to become involved with you and your family again, given the unkindness you showed her".

PriestessofPing · 31/05/2022 13:15

chippys · 31/05/2022 13:14

@Testina He basically broke up with me in front of DD. We were all sitting on the sofa and he literally stood up and told me that he was sick of me, said the same to DD and then walked out telling me never to get in contact with him again.

Oh wow I was posting and didn’t see your latest update. In this case, absolutely not. He did this to both of you after six years - it was cruel to you both.

MadeForThis · 31/05/2022 13:16

I wouldn't bring him into my daughters life again.

Beautiful3 · 31/05/2022 13:17

I wouldn't put my child through that, watching her die would be traumatic and affect her. You don't owe him anything. He left without explanation and was horrible to your daughter. I would send condolences but wouldn't meet up, at all.

oldperson1 · 31/05/2022 13:17

Tessasanderson · 31/05/2022 12:53

You have said your DD would love to see his DD. Keep all the parent/relationship shit out of it.

Tell him you want nothing to do with him, but you would love to have his DD over for the day. Have some brilliant girly time, let them bond and give this young girl some relief from her illness.

I think this is a good idea as long as your daughter is on board.
This way you can monitor the situation to make sure they are both enjoying each other’s company with out your ex partner being involved.

Testina · 31/05/2022 13:17

chippys · 31/05/2022 13:14

@Testina He basically broke up with me in front of DD. We were all sitting on the sofa and he literally stood up and told me that he was sick of me, said the same to DD and then walked out telling me never to get in contact with him again.

And that’s the last you heard from him?
I wouldn’t trust him around my child at his best, and his child’s illness will be stressful, so far from at his best.

You’re naïve if you think you can restart a friendship between the girls but keep him wholly out of it.

DowntonCrabby · 31/05/2022 13:18

Contacting the mum is a great idea if your DD’s would benefit from continuing a friendship.

Absolutely no way to keeping in touch with him though, if you do establish contact with Mum I’d block him completely.

Seaweed42 · 31/05/2022 13:19

Sorry to hear that bad news. I agree with other posters.
Sounds like he's looking for support again now that he is in a tough place.
If I was you I'd ask for the DD's mother's number and if the girls are to meet, it's without your Ex and only on you and the girl's mother's terms.
The mother will be feeling so out of control, frightened and helpless this would be another massive factor for her to manage in her sick daughter's life.
If you do decide to do it, do it for the girls, on your own terms. Do not meet your Ex again.
If he refuses this then you'll know it's all about him and his needs not his daughter's needs. Whatever you decide that decision doesn't need to be today or this week or next week, so take your time.

BotterMon · 31/05/2022 13:20

Protect your own DD and block him. Not your circus etc.

Original poster
chippys · 31/05/2022 13:20

@Testina Yep didn't hear from him again until this week!

OP posts:
NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 31/05/2022 13:20

If your DD hasn't been in touch with the other girl in the meanwhile, and if no-one has said anything to her about the other girl and this offer of a renewed "friendship", I would decline the playdate and keep your DD in the dark about this overture.

As others have pointed out, it looks like he might be wanting to get you back on board for the next illness-related long-haul and emotional support, because he knows you can do it because you've done it before. But to me it sounds like he's looking to rope your daughter in (as well/instead) to a support role. Someone for his DD to hang out with when she's too sick to hang out with other kids.

Overall, I think the timing is too co-incidental, and he is looking for people to lean on and share the load rather than a genuine friendship renewal.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. But remember how he treated her on his way out last time, and put her first.

SophSoSo · 31/05/2022 13:22

No, I wouldn’t and not even because of the appalling way he handled the split.

Your daughter has been through enough. She has grieved the end of her friendship with his daughter already, it’s not fair to put her through that again knowing that the poor girl is seriously ill with no chance of recovery.

It will be traumatic for her, you need to put your daughter first and leave the past in the past x

VerifiedBot2351 · 31/05/2022 13:22

You need to put your daughter first, and that means protecting her from future possible hurt. That means not meeting, in my books.

altiara · 31/05/2022 13:23

No, I message something similar to what spiderina said:

SpiderinaWingMirror · Today 13:14
I think that the best thing is to leave it.
"Genuinely sorry to hear the news. I don't think it wise for DD to become involved with you and your family again, given the unkindness you showed her".

Tistheseason17 · 31/05/2022 13:24

Don't do it..
Just explain that you have moved on and it would be too upsetting for your DD who you are putting first. It would be extremely distressing for your DD to get close again and have to grieve her step sister's loss a second and finite time.

Savingpeoplehuntingthings · 31/05/2022 13:24

Absolute no from me.
He is looking for support for his daughter, understandable but it comes at the cost of your daughter's wellbeing. She will have to witness another child deteriorating and dying. You have to think of your own child.

KyaClark · 31/05/2022 13:24

What a horrible situation.

However, I feel like he's using his daughter and her illness as an excuse. If his daughter wants to see yours, surely she's asked before, which means he said no to her then when it suited him.

Or, she's not asked to see yours at all and he's just trying to worm his way back in.

Protect your daughter. He was a cunt to her.

MatildaTheCat · 31/05/2022 13:25

How has your DD coped with the loss of her friendship? She’s your priority.

If she’s thriving and not upset I’d be concerned about starting what could be a very difficult situation at an already tricky stage of her life.

if you think there is benefit to be gained then I’d also want to arrange it via her mother if at all possible.