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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a difficult position - upsetting

289 replies

chippys · 31/05/2022 12:30

I've had to change a few details or this would be outing.

I was with my ex for 6 years and we both have daughters the same age (pre teens). We didn't live together. During those 6 years his DD was diagnosed with a very serious illness. After a whole year of treatment she was given the all clear.

At the end of last year my ex broke up with me out of the blue with no explanation or reason, was rather mean to my DD on his way out the door and I didn't hear from again. Until this week. I received a text to say that his DD had had her usual 6 month scan and the illness had returned, with the outcome this time being that she's not likely to get better, even with treatment. Of course, I'm devastated.

My ex said that the last few weeks his DD had been asking to see my DD (this was before the scan results) and would I be ok to meet up with them for a play date.

This is where I'm stuck. I know my DD would love to see his DD again, however, the way he left us with no explanation, and the way he spoke to me and my DD at the end was awful. I had to console my DD for months when he left as they were very close.

It seems that he wanted to arrange a play date even before he found out the terrible news. I would have said no then, but now I feel like if that's what his DD wants then I should of course say yes. I genuinely don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Derbee · 31/05/2022 23:30

All these suggestions of contacting the mother are so insensitive. Imagine your child being terminally ill, undergoing horrific treatment, and your exes ex contacts you for a play date, hoping you’ll come and present your ill child to their healthy child to try and minimise the risk of the healthy child growing up with any emotional issues from your child dying? Bizarre

OP, you don’t want to get involved with them again. So don’t. That’s a good decision for you and your DD and you shouldn’t feel
guilty

wellhelloitsme · 31/05/2022 23:33

@TheVanguardSix

I lost my two friends when I was a child. The grief was enormous... bigger than me. But the loss of them also made me a much better human being. I took stock of this life and gave great thought as to who I wanted to be. I still give this great thought. I learned the value of love, of giving, and living at a young age. Your daughter will learn this too, in the hardest of ways, but she'll be alright.

I'm so sorry you lost your friends and completely appreciate that this was your experience.

But I think it's naive and incorrect to say that OP's DD "will learn this too" and that she'll "be alright" as if those are facts. because that really isn't the experience for many children who lose friends growing up. Her experience may be like yours a lot, a little or not at all.

There's no way of OP knowing which of those will be the case but she knows her DD best and her gut feeling is that it's not the right decision for her DD.

I speak from experience too and still feel to raw to share mine, which is indicative of how difficult an experience it was for me.

gotthis · 01/06/2022 01:06

Derbee · 31/05/2022 23:30

All these suggestions of contacting the mother are so insensitive. Imagine your child being terminally ill, undergoing horrific treatment, and your exes ex contacts you for a play date, hoping you’ll come and present your ill child to their healthy child to try and minimise the risk of the healthy child growing up with any emotional issues from your child dying? Bizarre

OP, you don’t want to get involved with them again. So don’t. That’s a good decision for you and your DD and you shouldn’t feel
guilty

No, I don't think people mean that. They are just saying that a) it may be morally right to try to arrange the ill child's request, b) if the OP decides to keep a secret from her DD there may be consequences, and c) any attempt to arrange the ill child's wishes need to remove the problematic ex from the picture. It sounds incredibly difficult and I hope the OP can be at peace with whatever decision she takes.

Vikinga · 01/06/2022 01:54

How awful, I'm so sorry.

OP with the girls ages and the fact that he was horrible to you both and that his DD has other friends for support and that you still have feelings for him, I don't think it is in your or your DD's best interest to have them meet.

I would be honest with him and tell him how sorry you are but that it took your DD and you quite some time to get over how he broke up with you.

timeisnotaline · 01/06/2022 05:55

I too suspect he’s after your support again, and I would do my best to esnure my dd never ever saw him again, so if you’re on the fence about contact the answer would be
hi x
im so sorry to hear about <daughter>, what awful news.
Given how you left and what you said to my dd, I promised myself I would make sure she never saw or spoke to you again. She may however want to see <his dd>, if you can give me her mums contact details please and if dd wants to I’ll arrange something through her mum.
Thanks for letting us know.

Blarting · 01/06/2022 06:10

He made his choices, he was unnecessarily cruel, you're not over him, your DD is settling.

I too don't think this is about his DD, it's about him.

It's dreadfully sad, but he'd ended the relationship.

I'd keep well away.

Original poster
chippys · 01/06/2022 09:08

@Blarting You've pretty much summed up what I'm thinking!

OP posts:
Blarting · 01/06/2022 09:12

chippys · 01/06/2022 09:08

@Blarting You've pretty much summed up what I'm thinking!

Keep strong. Flowers

zingally · 01/06/2022 10:31

I wouldn't be inclined to go along with this...

If ex's DD is as terminal as he says, would you want your child to witness that?

You are bringing a lot of baggage back into your life if you agree to this meet-up. I imagine if your DD sees the ex's DD once, she'll want it to become a regular thing. And then you're subjecting her to seeing a decline and death of a friend. Plus, however careful you are, inevitably, this man will be back in your life. And considering he's got a history of being cruel to both you AND your DD...

And his suddenly getting back in touch, after months of silence, to tell you his DD is ill... Is he looking for a crutch to lean on?

While this is awful and horrific for ex's DD and immediate family, I personally think you need to safeguard your own child first. I can't personally see any benefit to the girls re-connecting.

Maisa45 · 01/06/2022 10:37

I wouldn't. It's awful about his DD but I think you'd be opening a huge can of worms allowing him back into your life.

KettrickenSmiled · 01/06/2022 10:50

@Derbee totally agree about this notion of contacting the poor mother.
Grief vampirism or what?

It's like a morbid version of the helicopter mummy "Can Alice come & play with Akiko? It's so important for her to develop her cultural awareness of ethnic groups!"

Doggyfish · 01/06/2022 10:53

Your child has already grieved for this man and his DD - I wouldn't put her through it again.

kickingupdaisies · 01/06/2022 12:29

Do it for his DD. Do not engage with him at all, but it would be so lovely to bring a familiar face to his daughter, surely

Testina · 01/06/2022 14:34

kickingupdaisies · 01/06/2022 12:29

Do it for his DD. Do not engage with him at all, but it would be so lovely to bring a familiar face to his daughter, surely

@kickingupdaisies how do you suggest OP beings together her daughter and a terminally ill 9yo without engaging with him? In practice, how does that work?
And how does not engaging with him stop him cutting the rekindled friendship off on a whim, again?

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