Thomas Markle - To think the pain of being ostracised is not understood by those who haven’t experienced it?

[EarthlyAngel]

Reading various news reports of Meghan Markle’s elderly Dad having a stroke and her still not visiting. Some batshit comments of how ‘abusive’ he was to her by talking to the press after she cut him off and that he deserved it.

Having experienced something similar myself (being cut off), I can say it’s been the worse pain that I’ve ever experienced, that someone who is supposed to love you can callously walk off and totally cut you completely out of their life. Not talking about a boyfriend, a close friend or even a husband but a family member such as a parent or an adult child who you have complex emotional bonds to.

The silence is deafening. It’s like they’re dead but you can’t grieve them and you also have to deal with feelings of anger, rejection, worthlessness and profound sadness. IMO it’s something you can never move on from because you’re stuck in a limbo with no closure, hoping that someday they might want to have you in their life again even though you rationally know they don’t deserve to,

I for one can totally understand Thomas Markle speaking out to get a reaction, any reaction. You are desperate to get them to contact you in that situation. You try to fight back so they can’t just erase you and forget about you. He had a right to voice his truth and his sadness. I think he’s been treated abominably from the beginning when he was besieged by photographers while living a quiet life in retirement and people who have not experienced the pain of being cut off have no idea. It’s a punishment which IS actually abusive! The kind of people who do this know it will cause immense pain and distress.

Yes he did a deal with a photographer to get some flattering pictures of himself publicised under his control to improve his image as he didn’t look great when the press descended on him after the engagement but really did he deserve to be tossed like trash in the garbage because of that? It’s not like Meghan herself hasn’t made money from her connections now is it?

Interesting that the OP has no further comment to make except to dump their own feelings on everyone .

And I do agree that there seems to be double standards with Meghan and Harry selling stories to the press. But that’s a separate issue.

If William and Kate or Charles wanted to cut them off due to that It’s up to them and I’d think it would be understandable. But i also think that (rightly or wrongly) Harry’s family probably blame Meghan and are wanting to keep the door open for him.

The pain of a parent who repeatedly re traumatises you and has no concern for you or your children is also misunderstood.

OP - I AGREE with you!

Most people on this thread will never have experienced what you have experienced and simply have no understanding!

I DO understand.

I have seen this happen twice.

My mother in laws best friend and husband have been through this with their adult son and it has destroyed them. They have no idea why, it’s been over 10 years since he cut them off. They’ve tried everything. She has replayed his childhood, their relationship over and over again, questioned family members for any secrets perhaps she doesn’t know about over and over again and can’t think of what has happened for him to cut them off. When another family member contacted him they were told ‘They add nothing to my life’. His father died of cancer a year ago. Another family member sent him an email with all the funeral details but he never attended.

People who have never experienced this will say there must be a reason but they have no reason that they know of. They have begged him to talk to them, tell them, even if he wants to continue having no contact, but tell them why.

I don't think either he or his daughter have behaved well in the circumstances but I have more sympathy for him.

From everything she posted about him and said about him in the years before the wedding, he was a good dad and they had a great, very close relationship (if you believe her and don't question her motives for posting all the stuff she did). He also spent a lot of his money on her education, travel and helping her to further her career.

I think she was embarrassed by him once she met Harry- he didn't fit. Lived in birder town in Mexico where he'd moved because it was cheaper, lived a quiet, downmarket lifestyle, watching tv in his flat walking to local store for food. Obese, badly dressed. She NEVER took Harry to meet him. There was no way he was ever going to that wedding and I think he was getting very stressed and panicky. Press around his flat fir months so he went out even less.

The photos were such a stupid thing to do and the explosion in the Press tipped it all over the edge. I was not convinced he really had a heart attack at the time- although I am now since the hospital confirmed it. It gave them both a way out.

I think her completely cutting him off is horrible and he has every right to speak up. Why should he not say anything? She has a mega PR and legal team to protect her. He has nothing. I think her behaviour is graceless.

The half-siblings don't help but they do at least seem to look after and maintain contact with their dad.

It's what happens when a member of the Royal Family marries an American with a lot of baggage. I don't like her, have not liked her since the relationship became public- I wouldn't trust her an inch, I think she is all about her and publicity, including during her charity work. Could it have worked if she and her siblings had been prepared to 'conform' and keep quiet? Possibly but that was never going to happen- the siblings are not that kind of family (unlike the Middletons who learned very quickly how to behave and what the benefits were of doing the right thing.) She is not that kind of person- visiting the site if the school massacre in Texas with a photographer and two huge security guards, not disguising herself at all, posing for photos at the memorial which were released and then saying it was a private visit and she'd wanted no publicity, exemplifies that.

But overwhelmingly, if she was telling the truth and he was such a great dad and she loved him so much:
Why didn't she visit him before or after she was engaged and take Harry to meet him?
Why didn't she visit him after his heart attack?
Why did she write him that unpleasant letter- and then tell all her friends about it, who leaked it's existence and content months before Thomas Markle spoke about it?
Why hasn't she visited him now?

I have more sympathy for him but him taking to YouTube and Lady Colin Campbell is not helping the situation. There is no hope for the relationship.

I think it is interesting that he and Dora Raglan still meet at her house, have lunch, he takes her flowers. They obviously get on still.

I agree Janine totally agree, but Meghan is a narcissist through and through - she could be a case study she meets the criteria so well, so given she is entirely incapable of considering how difficult it must be for Thomas, as she can only eve think of herself (He did not choose to be thrown into the global limelight after all) He has had to deal with his life turning into a media circus over night. He was offered no support whatsoever from Harry or the palace, they didn't even deem it necessary to meet him before the wedding.
Thomas has been treated in an appalling fashion, so whilst I understand the genuine case for cutting parents out that are damaging. I am not sure it applies in the same with Meghan and Thomas.

I definitely feel Megan is the problem here. Yes people can cut parents out of their life for whatever reason but it was extremely telling to me when her mum was the only family member at her wedding.

He seems awful but it’s quite telling that he has cut off his family after meeting her. She’s clearly toxic and maybe that is because of a damaged childhood. The damage is irreparable now and why would she meet him knowing he would likely sell his story for more money and attention. Maybe that is because he had no other way of making her notice him but it’s still wrong

So the son has amde his desire for distance known to them but they continue to beg him and harrass him and draw other people into the drama and their attempts to communicate with them.

lack of boundaries. Controlling, Lack of respect comes to mind.

I don't know about Thomas Markle/ MM situation, but I'm fairly sure that a NC situation isn't always the fault of the person on the receiving end. It's as if anyone going NC must have been in an abusive relationship and it's all the other person's fault. It's possible the person going NC has a personality disorder, it's possible there were issues on both sides. I don't think you can say by default that it's always been caused by the bad behaviour other person.

First off I take issue with the idea that someone is ‘supposed’ to love you just because they are family - people can and do behave in all kinds of shitty ways to thief family members and you don’t have to love someone and keep in contact with them just because you swim in the same gene pool.

i have no idea what’s going on with MM and her fathers and frankly I don’t give much of a crap. Attention seeking media hounds the lot of them.

@LetsGoCrazyPurpleBanana Completely agree. I always think it’s interesting how Gary Middleton was front and centre at Kates wedding despite some very dubious behaviour. It said a lot about her and her family

You Mother's best friend and husband will have been really shit parents. They will know why he cut them off and he will have told them.

They put on a big public circus of 'not knowing' because they know what they did. They were there - how on earth could they not know?

Cut off parents like to draw everyone else in because they thrive off sympathy and drama.

This is exactly what DH's parents' friends will be hearing. They won't have mentioned the time she phoned to complain her mother's day card was too small or that she blanked me and refused to speak to me on our wedding day or that told our very young children we were terrible parents or that we had to keep count of every contact with my parents to make sure either was fair or that nothing DH did was ever good enough.

Just so many "small" things that as individual stories would seem like an over reaction, but it was constant.

Thank you. I should also say it appears she's making Harry do the same re his family. I think she's a very toxic person and all this will come out one day. I honestly believe it's all her pulling Harry away from his family.

@MerryMarigold That is somewhat true but it’s rare that a truly supportive parent is cut off. Generally the ‘child’ cutting off is difficult and sensitive but the parent is quite often demanding and in many ways emotionally manipulative.

Did you have experience of being their child? You may of course be right in those cases, but I know as fact that I (who was cut off by her) and my siblings (who cut her off, one of them from teenage years, one after 50+ years of it all) were portrayed as the Hell Spawn of Satan to her friends. They did not experience the reality of being parented by her, of course.

Thomas Markle was offered protection and advice on how to manage the intrusion he was experiencing but he refused it.

H & M were aware that her family would be targeted as soon as they went public that their relationship was serious and they tried to give advice. This was refused as being 'controlling' and then the rest is history.

They have all turned out to be revolting apart from Doria who has smiled and nodded and said nothing. Why would anyone stay in touch with revolting people who then bad mouth you to any member of the gutter press the first chance they get.

By staying in touch with them in even the tiniest way, it would be seen as aligning with them. Are you honestly saying MM should do that OP?

I always think it’s interesting how Gary Middleton was front and centre at Kates wedding despite some very dubious behaviour. It said a lot about her and her family

It may just say that KM and her family want to put on an appearance of 'everything is wonderful', no problems here. People who behave like this often care too much about what other people think/ keeping up appearances, rather than doing what makes them happy.

Or they may be kind and forgiving and wanted him to feel included for no reason other than to make him happy.

Hard to know.

@Honeysuckle9

really? I cut my dad off for trying to strangle me.

So do you think I’m “difficult and sensitive” ?

@Smartsub that sounds really hard, glad your dh was strong enough to get free.

I have had people connected to my parent contact me to ask 'why'.

I don't say anything because it is all really personal. The abuse was very well hidden and no one will listen to me because she has spent a lifetime telling all and sundry how much she loves her children.

The only silver lining for me is that I have three siblings and two of us have cut contact and another has emigrated. The one who stays hates her too, but is so screwed up she refuses to break the trauma bond.

I am not generally interested in the royal merry go round, but my goodness I feel sorry for this old man. Living in peaceful retirement in Mexico, thinking he had a devoted daughter in Canada, he suddenly discovers he is the subject of international gossip media scrutiny because of her boyfriend/ fiancé. He receives no support from her or from Harry on how to navigate this new unwanted attention. They don't visit him despite having unlimited resources and no work commitments. Harry talks on air about his family as being the family she never had, which confuses and upsets his wider family. Worried that some unflattering photos of him might cause her embarrassment, he seeks to rectify this by agreeing to a photoshoot that promises to show him in a more flattering light. Rather than seeing that he is trying to do his best for her, his daughter and son-in-law unceremoniously dumps him, share carefully selected excerpts of a letter she wrote and allow these to be published in order to suggest that they are faultless and he is a nasty piece of work. Since then he has been like a wounded bear lashing out at the daughter he loves because he doesn't understand why she is causing him so much pain. There is no evidence that he is toxic or deserving of being cut off. He was damned whatever he did. Meghan and Harry have behaved like petulant teenagers and have irreparably damaged the public image they seem to care about so much.

I agree @LuluBlakey1 and @Swayingpalmtrees MM shows a lot of narc traits and cutting people out when they aren't useful/don't fit is extremely typical. It's unlikely she would have become a narcissist without either inheriting the traits from someone and/or suffering emotional abuse herself though. She will do whatever it takes to survive, she will throw anyone under the bus to get/keep what she needs. And she will do anything to look like she's 'good' and the victim in any situation. She will always put enough truth into any situation to make it believable even though it will be a lie.

If the Sussexes ever discuss the TM situation with each other 'oh how horrid that he keeps selling stories to the media and breaching our privacy!!' I wonder if they ever think 'oh wait like we did!'. Probably not. H doesn't seem to have any self awareness.

Cannot believe they've got the brass neck to show up for jubilee celebrations I know they need to raise their profile but still.

Same here.
I cut my father off after enduring his crap for far too many years. I have no doubt he had a good sob story to explain how he hasn’t done anything wrong and how DH “made me do it”. Luckily I wasn’t famous so he didn’t get the opportunity to whine on about it in the press while opportunistic nobody relatives got their twopence in as well