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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being terrible?

273 replies

SproutsRUs · 30/05/2022 17:20

My husband and I have one DC together who is a baby and he has older DC from a previous relationship who are 7 and 11.

It's half term this week and he's WFH as it's our week with DSC.

I find my husband can be a bit smothering in making sure everyone is included in everything and it's especially suffocating on school holidays because DSC are here all day and I feel like I can't leave the house without taking them.

Basically I just want some time alone during the week with our baby like when they are at school and he at work and so I've made a few excuses as to why we need to go out some of the days DSC are here. Mainly things like telling him a group we usually go to is still on when it's not so I can go for a walk / park with DC without everyone tagging along or that I have a dentist appointment when I don't.

I know it's not great to lie, but I don't know what's worse, saying that so I can keep my sanity and leave the house by ourselves some times or telling him I don't want to spend all week with his kids!

OP posts:
Original poster
SproutsRUs · 30/05/2022 17:49

I work part time btw, 2 days a week.

OP posts:
supersizeforaquid · 30/05/2022 17:50

I think you have bigger problems than this if you can’t be honest with your dh
he is absolutely being unreasonable though.

FabFitFifties · 30/05/2022 17:55

I think I would address this well before the next holiday. It is perfectly reasonable to want a bit of time alone with your own child, or even just away from his if you didn't have children. You are not being terrible, but it needs addressing for next time, as you obviously don't like lying to him. The kids might like the break from you and baby too - they need dad time.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 30/05/2022 17:55

hmmmm this doesn’t sound great

OwlinaTree · 30/05/2022 17:58

He needs to take a day or two of holiday and not expect you to look after them every day on your own.

Meraas · 30/05/2022 17:59

YANBU, DSC are not your kids, you are not obligated to spend day with them, it sounds smothering indeed.

You need to be open about the plans you have made with your baby.

Meraas · 30/05/2022 17:59

*every day

gamerchick · 30/05/2022 18:01

Very nice of him to volunteer your time to be inclusive isn't it?

Why can't you tell him you're not his fucking babysitter and he can stick some annual leave in so he can parent his kids?

Original poster
SproutsRUs · 30/05/2022 19:45

So I'm not sure if I've been strictly fair, to clarify a few points.

He does take time off in the holidays but he can't cover all of them with his annual leave so works from home for some as well.

I feel bad because I know the DSC would prefer to come with me if they knew I was going somewhere more fun, for example in the last holidays I took my DC to a place that I know DSC would have enjoyed too but I wanted to go with a friend who couldn't go until the holidays as she has one young DC who's just started school. DH thought that was cruel because I'd left DSC at home knowing he was working to go somewhere they'd have really liked in the school holidays when I could have taken them. I don't disagree entirely but it makes me feel like I can't just do some fun things without them.

When he does have annual leave he wants to do things all together understandably but I just like having the space from them sometimes.

He doesn't expect me to take them places, or even really look after them when he's WFH but if he knows I'm going somewhere like the park, or lunch or somewhere 'fun' i.e. not the food shop ha! He'll not understand why I don't want to take DSC who'd undoubtedly prefer to come with me.

Lying, whilst not good, means I don't have to say to DH outwardly I'd rather not take your kids with me to the park or whatever and it also means I don't have to say no to DSC which I feel bad doing.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 30/05/2022 19:49

I think you seem to have different ideas on what a step parent should do....and I think this needs sorting.

Merryoldgoat · 30/05/2022 19:50

I’m afraid that I think not taking DSC to the park or similar when you’re going is pretty mean.

In your position I’d plan the week properly with DH and tell him he needs to take a couple of days to dedicate to his kids and then you can have some space.

Original poster
SproutsRUs · 30/05/2022 19:53

Merryoldgoat · 30/05/2022 19:50

I’m afraid that I think not taking DSC to the park or similar when you’re going is pretty mean.

In your position I’d plan the week properly with DH and tell him he needs to take a couple of days to dedicate to his kids and then you can have some space.

I can't really do this. He doesn't have the leave to take a couple of days off every school holiday unfortunately. So it means I end up feeling like I have to either stay in so I'm not seen as doing anything more 'fun', wrangle all of the kids when I go out or lie about it so I get some alone time with my child.

OP posts:
Original poster
SproutsRUs · 30/05/2022 19:54

I don't think it helps because I'm not from a large family, I find it suffocating all being together all of the time. I really enjoy space and time with my DC by ourselves. I also enjoy spending time all together sometimes but I need those little breaks throughout to not hate it.

OP posts:
Jojobees · 30/05/2022 20:01

I think you and your DH need to have a serious chat. You knew he had children when you married him. You knew you would need to co parent them with him.
I think you are being incredibly selfish to those poor step children, and they deserve better.
imagine in a few years time it’s your DC who is being left behind because the step mum hates being around him, how would you feel?

SproutRUs · 30/05/2022 20:05

imagine in a few years time it’s your DC who is being left behind because the step mum hates being around him, how would you feel?

So long as his dad wasn't leaving him behind I don't really see how I could have any feelings about the matter. I don't expect my husband's ex to be annoyed at me for spending time with my child, I don't think it's any of her business and wouldn't be mine as the ex either.

I appreciate my husband is different as he's my partner.

You knew you would need to co parent them with him.

I didn't think this, in my mind surely the person he co parents with is their mother?

SproutRUs · 30/05/2022 20:07

I need to add as well that I don't hate spending time with them. I just don't enjoy spending ALL of my time with them.

BrutusMcDogface · 30/05/2022 20:09

It’s one week, three days or so if you’re working the other days. I think it’s a bit mean of you to leave them at home.

Merryoldgoat · 30/05/2022 20:09

So do you leave them with him working? What do they do?

I’m not one for occupying every second a child has but they need some input, surely?

What did you think would happen when you got together? Serious question btw, not snarky - but being with a man with children surely there was an expectation you will play a role of some kind in their lives?

FawnFrenchieMum · 30/05/2022 20:12

I think it’s pretty mean. You have at least 39 weeks a year to spend time alone with your child and that’s assuming you have the DSC every week of every school holidays.

SproutRUs · 30/05/2022 20:13

So do you leave them with him working? What do they do?

Yes, they stay at home with him working although his work is pretty flexible so he tends to be able to cope fine whilst doing it and often manages a few games of FIFA or whatever with them / watch a bit of TV / kick about in the garden around work.

I do think I have a role in their lives and I do do a lot for them. I haven't added everything here which perhaps I should have done but things like I always do the school run when it's my days off, I tend to do all the cooking, washing their clothes, tidying their rooms and so on because I'm at home. We do spend time together as a family too but I find it very stifling having to stay in on my days off, especially with a young DC who's crawling the walls by 10am.

SophSoSo · 30/05/2022 20:14

I agree it’s really mean, especially not taking them somewhere that you know they would have enjoyed.

Its 3 days, not 3 months.

BrutusMcDogface · 30/05/2022 20:14

But you don’t have to stay in while your baby climbs the walls? Just take them with you?

SproutRUs · 30/05/2022 20:15

You have at least 39 weeks a year to spend time alone with your child and that’s assuming you have the DSC every week of every school holidays.

I appreciate this and logically you are right.

I just can't help but hate it during the holidays though feeling like I can't go out by myself / with DC. It makes me dislike the time they stay during them to be perfectly honest, which isn't good I am aware.

SmallThingsEverywhere · 30/05/2022 20:15

Did you not know that your DH already had children when you married him? It’s not like you are “babysitting” your husbands children all of the time considering they don’t actually live with you and you’ve already said he normally looks after them when they come over. Oh and kids pick up on negative feelings towards them from their step parents.

cadburyegg · 30/05/2022 20:15

Hmm I think you are being U. You have time with just yourself and baby during term time! It's only day 1 of half term and you're already complaining that they're around. Surely you knew what you signed up for? I think it's pretty mean to take your DC to the park and leave the stepchildren out tbh.