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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being terrible?

273 replies

SproutsRUs · 30/05/2022 17:20

My husband and I have one DC together who is a baby and he has older DC from a previous relationship who are 7 and 11.

It's half term this week and he's WFH as it's our week with DSC.

I find my husband can be a bit smothering in making sure everyone is included in everything and it's especially suffocating on school holidays because DSC are here all day and I feel like I can't leave the house without taking them.

Basically I just want some time alone during the week with our baby like when they are at school and he at work and so I've made a few excuses as to why we need to go out some of the days DSC are here. Mainly things like telling him a group we usually go to is still on when it's not so I can go for a walk / park with DC without everyone tagging along or that I have a dentist appointment when I don't.

I know it's not great to lie, but I don't know what's worse, saying that so I can keep my sanity and leave the house by ourselves some times or telling him I don't want to spend all week with his kids!

OP posts:
SproutRUs · 30/05/2022 20:16

BrutusMcDogface · 30/05/2022 20:14

But you don’t have to stay in while your baby climbs the walls? Just take them with you?

Sorry should have said I either have to stay in or take 3 children out with me.

SproutRUs · 30/05/2022 20:17

SophSoSo · 30/05/2022 20:14

I agree it’s really mean, especially not taking them somewhere that you know they would have enjoyed.

Its 3 days, not 3 months.

It is 3 days yes, but we of course have much more school holidays than just 3 days. I'm not talking about this specific holiday necessarily but all of them. We have summer coming up and it just felt like I was never left alone. I WFH on my days working too so I was never by myself it felt like. I'm dreading it.

Hercisback · 30/05/2022 20:18

Do you have them every weekend and holiday?

It sounds like you are a bit mean not taking them especially if you're going anyway. At 7&11 they can't be too much hard work, particularly at a park.

You do need to stop lying about it.

SproutRUs · 30/05/2022 20:19

It's only day 1 of half term and you're already complaining that they're around

I don't mind that they are around. But I was considering telling DH that baby group was still on tomorrow (it's not) so I could go for a walk for an hour or so by myself and DC in the pram without having to take everyone with me yes!

SophSoSo · 30/05/2022 20:19

SproutRUs · 30/05/2022 20:17

It is 3 days yes, but we of course have much more school holidays than just 3 days. I'm not talking about this specific holiday necessarily but all of them. We have summer coming up and it just felt like I was never left alone. I WFH on my days working too so I was never by myself it felt like. I'm dreading it.

Show quote history

You don’t want to be left alone though do you?

You just want your step children to not be around.

tootiredtospeak · 30/05/2022 20:19

How do you co parent with an ex successfully when you live in seperate houses. You still have family days out together go on holidays together go to the pub at the weekend. No clearly you dont so if a step parent doesn't want to do that you may as well remain a single parent.

Hercisback · 30/05/2022 20:20

Or just tell DH you're going for a walk with the baby.

I know the feeling of never being home alone. I was last home alone about 2 weeks ago for 15 minutes and I genuinely can't remember the time before that.

SproutRUs · 30/05/2022 20:20

tootiredtospeak · 30/05/2022 20:19

How do you co parent with an ex successfully when you live in seperate houses. You still have family days out together go on holidays together go to the pub at the weekend. No clearly you dont so if a step parent doesn't want to do that you may as well remain a single parent.

I don't understand your comment? I do all of those things, I just don't want to do them every day of the holidays.

SproutRUs · 30/05/2022 20:21

Hercisback · 30/05/2022 20:20

Or just tell DH you're going for a walk with the baby.

I know the feeling of never being home alone. I was last home alone about 2 weeks ago for 15 minutes and I genuinely can't remember the time before that.

I would, and then I get 'oh it would be nice for DSC to get some fresh air, X & Y Sprout is going for a walk, want to go?'.

Then I'm in the awkward position of saying no. I've tried it before.

tootiredtospeak · 30/05/2022 20:22

I dont think you should lie if he finds out it could be relationship ending. It would for me. Can you not compromise so the 3 days he WFH for example say you will do something all together one day. One day you will pretty much be at home and one day will just be for you and the little one but you need to be honest about it.

Newbeginnings90 · 30/05/2022 20:22

I'm a step mum.

I think going alone without ANY children is reasonable.

For me taking DC but not DSC is mean. I wouldn't dream of offering to take DS somewhere but leaving DSD behind while DP worked!

whumpthereitis · 30/05/2022 20:22

SophSoSo · 30/05/2022 20:19

You don’t want to be left alone though do you?

You just want your step children to not be around.

Show quote history

She wants to have one on one time with her own child. What’s wrong with that?

winterchills · 30/05/2022 20:23

To be honest I think your being cruel at times not taking them to a park or whatever whilst their dads working. You obviously knew he was a father and was happy to be the children's step mum. I dunno just think it's mean

tootiredtospeak · 30/05/2022 20:23

You answered a question saying you didnt think you would need to co parent with him you thought his ex would.

Yerroblemom1923 · 30/05/2022 20:24

They're not your kids. He's their father,I think it's a bit much to put them on you all the time. I don't blame you for wanting time with just your child.
I know people are supposed to treat step kids like their own etc etc but I can't imagine it's easy when you're not their actual parent.

Hercisback · 30/05/2022 20:25

Have the conversation with DP when the kids aren't there. "I want to go for a walk tomorrow with just the baby. Please don't encourage your children to join me."

KylieKoKo · 30/05/2022 20:25

Op you might want to post this on the step parenting forum where you'll get more advice from people who are actually step parents.

SproutRUs · 30/05/2022 20:25

You don’t want to be left alone though do you?

You just want your step children to not be around

I guess I don't see it like this. I'm quite happy for them to be here of course, and I'm also happy to do things all together. As I say I do what I feel is a lot for them day to day.

But yes I'd like some occasions whilst they are here to do things with my child / spend time by myself. My DC is still a baby so can be pushed around whilst I have a walk, listen to a book or have a coffee or whatever.

winterchills · 30/05/2022 20:26

And to add it's one week every so often when their off school. I could understand it if it was every day full time. You have the rest of the time with your child.
Why would you leave them in the house bored whilst their dad works and not take them somewhere. To be honest as their mum I wouldn't be happy

luxxlisbon · 30/05/2022 20:26

I don't think it helps because I'm not from a large family, I find it suffocating all being together all of the time. I really enjoy space and time with my DC by ourselves.

But you aren’t together all the time, you have plenty of space with just you and the baby when they are in school most of the year and with their mother.

Honestly yeah it’s a bit weird to take your baby to the park but lie to your husband that you are actually going to the dentist so you don’t have to take your 2 step kids. Unless there is a huge backstory that he is running you ragged and expecting you to do all the work with his kids, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

Surely if your kid had a step parent who left them out frequently you would feel upset?

Yerroblemom1923 · 30/05/2022 20:26

@winterchills yes, but if their dad is working from home he can look after them. That's presumably why he chose to stay at home over half term week.

SproutRUs · 30/05/2022 20:26

tootiredtospeak · 30/05/2022 20:23

You answered a question saying you didnt think you would need to co parent with him you thought his ex would.

Well yes, I don't see myself as a co parent to my step children, their mother is the co parent which is surely normal?

Not saying I'm 100% reasonable but I wouldn't have called myself a co parent personally.

HandbagsnGladrags · 30/05/2022 20:27

I don't think you're being mean at all OP. It's down to your husband to spend time with his kids. Anything from you is optional. Of course you don't have to take them out with you every time.

lunar1 · 30/05/2022 20:27

He has three children he needs to parent.

If he doesn't have enough leave to fulfil his responsibility to all his children he can take some unpaid leave to cover childcare.

It's what separated mums all over the country have to do.

Wavygravy1 · 30/05/2022 20:27

Sorry I think you are being mean. Poor kids.

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