Am I being terrible?

[SproutsRUs]

My husband and I have one DC together who is a baby and he has older DC from a previous relationship who are 7 and 11.

It's half term this week and he's WFH as it's our week with DSC.

I find my husband can be a bit smothering in making sure everyone is included in everything and it's especially suffocating on school holidays because DSC are here all day and I feel like I can't leave the house without taking them.

Basically I just want some time alone during the week with our baby like when they are at school and he at work and so I've made a few excuses as to why we need to go out some of the days DSC are here. Mainly things like telling him a group we usually go to is still on when it's not so I can go for a walk / park with DC without everyone tagging along or that I have a dentist appointment when I don't.

I know it's not great to lie, but I don't know what's worse, saying that so I can keep my sanity and leave the house by ourselves some times or telling him I don't want to spend all week with his kids!

I guess I felt it's different because I personally don't think there is anything wrong with me going for a walk without DSC or whatever sometimes. DH doesn't agree but I disagree with his stance on it but we weren't getting anywhere. An affair is obviously wrong, something that the person having the affair knows when they do it.

They don’t live with you full time? So you have plenty of DSC free time?

sounds to me like you need to

*make use of holiday clubs or similar to pad out the longer holidays
*speak to mum about a better split of holiday time. If you and dh are doing the bulk it’s not fair
*stop lying.

I have 4 DSD and I would never think of excluding them from anything. I'm told I am not the norm but really you knew he had other DC when you married him, they are now your family too. Sorry just the way I feel.

Well you're going to have to learn to live with the guilt and his displeasure then. If you think you're in the right here, guilt shouldn't in the equation anyway, but adding lies would surely make that worse?
Not to mention that you've got over a decade ahead of you to balance the needs of DSC against your own. Do you intend to lie everytime you don't want them with you, for years and years?

Do you intend to lie everytime you don't want them with you, for years and years?

No I've not really thought about what I intend to do long term. This is something that's happened a few times recently because I felt like I was getting no where talking to DH about it. I appreciate it's not a long term solution for a variety of reasons.

Your step-children will be very aware that their step-mother doesn't want to spend time with them. Even if they don't talk about or intentionally paint you out to be the 'evil step-mother' they will feel very unwanted. If you can live with this, don't want any relationship with your step-children and feel OK with potentially damaging your partner's relationship with his own children then crack on.

I think when we’re talking about a few days, when you only work 2 days a week and therefore already have 3 days a week of alone time when the the step kids are at school, makes you unreasonable, and unnecessarily so.

I wouldn't stay with a partner that treated my DC like that, but then I'd also understand they needed some time out. Three DC can be very full on. You need a better solution, especially long term, even if your partner doesn't catch onto your lies soon enough your child will be innocently outing you. The lying is a betrayal of trust and I would expect a partner to talk to me about this issue so we could find a solution together, one that allows you a little breathing room and still gets SDC out of the house. One option that springs to mind, could your DP start early on WFH days, you could take all 3 DC out to a park or something and then he could knock off early and look after all 3 while you could go for a walk or have a coffee catch up with a friend? If you have to lie to be in your marriage then it's not a good relationship for any of you.

Bit cruel really. You have your own child for ‘alone time’ three days every week at least if you work 2 days?

I get that it’s not always as fun for you - but it’s mean to not include them in fun activities. Why can’t you take them for a walk? Why won’t you take them for lunch? We obviously don’t know all the details but unfortunately it makes you sound quite self indulgent. They won’t actually want to spend time with you and your baby for ever, please make the most of them. - they are your baby’s siblings too.

If the parent has to work then the children need to go into holiday clubs. It sounds like a 7 and 11 year old are just bumming around the house all day.

Exactly. I don’t think any manager would be happy if their employee was wfh to facilitate childcare.

In fact most companies, both from my experience and comments on here, state that wfh is with the agreement that childcare is taken care of

If your DHs approach of including all the DC all the time doesn't work for you, the longer you let it go on the harder it will be to break the pattern. Lying gets you the short term 'win' of what you want, but it does nothing to address the issue and you'll need to keep lying everytime this comes up, which to me would be stressful. At some point you and DH will need to come to an agreement about expectations of family life.

I'd he very happy if we could come up with a workable solution for everyone like this. Unfortunately my husband is a bit impossible with this particular scenario. He won't seem to accept anything else other than I should be happily taking everyone whenever I leave if they are here.

I think if I really think about it, I know that on some occasions he's right but on others he's been so wrong imo that it's made me want to do the same, never compromise because he doesn't.

For example, this started when last holiday I took DSC out by myself for the day like a proper day trip to somewhere nice everyone had a good time. Then the next day I just wanted to go see my gran but I was guilted about not wanting to drag everyone along 'oh but they like your gran, they'll be bored here, why are you being funny about taking them ect ect' like for godsake I just want to go and see my gran, maybe take her for her shopping if she needs it, check in, not wrangle 3 kids along who'll no doubt be bored the whole time and wanting to leave. Just felt like screaming leave me the fuck alone! So yeah since then I've made a few excuses so I can just have a couple of hours because I realised he couldn't compromise about it so felt like why should I?

I get it's not great.

I've suggested holiday clubs before but they wouldn't want to go and their parents won't make them.

Your dh needs to sort his work so he's actually looking after and taking his kids out during holidays. Even if it's unpaid. They can't just be hanging around the house with him working.

I think you're being unreasonable too. As long as you're not expected to pick up his slack. But I do think if you're going somewhere kid friendly there's no reason to leave them. It's not a long break. My dh would never leave my son behind.

There are two problems here:

The first being that your dh should not be leaning on you to do so much childcare on your own in the first place, perhaps if he can't be there he needs to organise a holiday camp or similar for them? You are a step parent but you are not the parent, so of course the onus is on him to organise his own children. You are being used for unpaid childcare, and that does seem unfair to me. If you are not used to looking after all three children every holiday of different ages, of course it is going to be wearing and tiring. Ask him to book organised childcare so that you are not expected to care for them all of the time. The point of his time with dsc is for him to spend time with them. Maybe you would feel more happy to take them out with you if it was not every single day?

The second problem is that having started a relationship with a man with two children you seem to have gone cold on the idea of a blended family. You simply do not want them around, and this is going to be a much bigger problem further down the line when the children are older. Your resentment will feed through to them in small ways, and this is not their fault op. They did not ask to have separated parents and have you and half siblings in their lives. So as a matter of decency when you are together, try to be kind and inclusive.

I've suggested holiday clubs before but they wouldn't want to go and their parents won't make them This is not their decision to make! If you are the one being left to look after the children dsc, tell them to make alternative arrangements if they are not keen on holidays clubs. Childminder, sports camp etc. I don't see why 'the parents' get to decide you are the childcare for the holiday!!! Bloody cheek!

If I found out my husband had lied like this I’d be so angry and hurt.

and you will get caught, it’s almost inevitable. Your DC will be out of the pram soon, will graze their knee and bang their head on the slide, and you’ll have to explain to your DH exactly how that happened whilst you were at the dentist.

im going to assume your husband working full time subsidises you working part time so you can spend your precious alone time with your DC?

He'd argue that he doesn't leave it to me. He works from home so that he's there and does take time off too which is the same as he'd do if I weren't around.

He'd say he only expects me to do it if I'm going out anyway and then he 'doesnt see why not'.

Yea your partner is being unreasonable to expect you do all the childcare unasked and unappreciated.

I would book them in to holiday clubs of which there are loads! Tough shit to DH. You are not the paid nanny. It’s about give and take

im going to assume your husband working full time subsidises you working part time so you can spend your precious alone time with your DC?

Ha I was waiting for this.

My husband was the instigator actually in wanting me to go part time, he'd be quite happy for me to not work at all but I wanted to stay part time at least to keep myself in work, he wasn't entirely happy when I applied for this part time rope either. He was very against the idea of DC going to nursery full time.

I'm not going to say I'm not fortunate in that respect, I am and I enjoy spending the time with DC but I won't accept implications that my husband slaves away so I can have the jolly that he wasn't fully on board with and wanted himself! He loves his job and would tell you himself he'd never want to give it up.

@SproutsRUs

What percentage of alone time do you get with your child?

It sounds like the vast majority of it is with your child and not your step children. I guess you might have to recognise that those days during the holiday will be as a larger family unit. A bit of sacrifice is what it’s about. The sooner you let go the less you will get frustrated with it. Embrace it…your child and step children will all benefit from the current dynamic. It sounds healthy for them

You sound very controlled and bullied.

He didn't want you working.
He absolutely won't accept you going out without 3 children in tow.

Has he changed a lot AFTER you have had the baby?

Was he ALWAYS so controlling and unreasonable and unwilling to listen to you?

If not OP, I think you should look hard at the situation you are in.

I am amazed at all these husbands calling the shots and telling other people to look after their children!! How does that even happen?

You are an adult op, if you don't want to look after three kids every holiday you have every right to tell him to make alternative arrangements for them.

His children are not your responsibility. Bear in mind though, one of the reasons he was so happy in the first place was that he thought he had offloaded his childcare problem onto you, so be aware he may not take it well as now he has a bigger work load and stuff to organise for his own children, but you can and should say no whenever you want to, for whatever reason. And mean it.

A compromise might work, you do one day out with all the children, he takes the rest of the time off/or books holiday clubs.

sprouts You are being used by both parents, they are both treating you like a total mug and an unpaid childminder so they can crack on with their own lives and not have the expense of holiday camps. I would be much more assertive. No is a full sentence - sports camps are that way >>>> and not change my mind. No one should be forcing you into this.

What percentage of alone time do you get with your child?

Why is that question being even asked. Why should anyone have to justify how much time they spend with their own child buttercups?

It is no one's business how much alone time op or sprouts have with their respective children, the point is that she not be used as an unpaid nanny to children that are not her own by the sc parents, she has made it clear she doesn't want to, and is being bullied into continuing. Having to lie for fresh air is the biggest red flag I have ever seen. It is not acceptable. A blended family can not work if one party is being taken advantage of, simple as that. Resentment will simmer and grow not without good reason.