Am I being terrible?

[SproutsRUs]

My husband and I have one DC together who is a baby and he has older DC from a previous relationship who are 7 and 11.

It's half term this week and he's WFH as it's our week with DSC.

I find my husband can be a bit smothering in making sure everyone is included in everything and it's especially suffocating on school holidays because DSC are here all day and I feel like I can't leave the house without taking them.

Basically I just want some time alone during the week with our baby like when they are at school and he at work and so I've made a few excuses as to why we need to go out some of the days DSC are here. Mainly things like telling him a group we usually go to is still on when it's not so I can go for a walk / park with DC without everyone tagging along or that I have a dentist appointment when I don't.

I know it's not great to lie, but I don't know what's worse, saying that so I can keep my sanity and leave the house by ourselves some times or telling him I don't want to spend all week with his kids!

A trip to the park is obviously for everyone. But since she’s got a baby, to her it’s probably more about going for a walk/fresh air and maybe a little play on the swings for the baby before stopping off for a coffee. It’s obviously a different story when you take two older children with you and the trip is very different. Especially when the park has rides going on in the summer months and isn’t just a park anymore but a mini theme park.
Maybe some days she just wants the quiet walk.

Quite. My DSS is older than OPs younger SC but still hasn't grown out of the "wanting to be the child that's watched" stage. Not so surprising given he doesn't have to deal with a much younger sibling most of the time. But taking him out to a park involves him playing in a different section to toddler DD but constantly wanting the adult to be with him, which is not possible with just one as she is much smaller and needs supervising. If not watched, he tends to run off and make things difficult, the jury is out on whether this is deliberate or not. But the point is it's manageable with DP but not something I'd take on by myself.

And incidentally if he WAS my child - then I'd have had the opportunity to tackle this behaviour long ago!

There is a distinction though, isn’t there? One is her biological child that she’s responsible for, the others are not. They’re also quite aware that she’s not, given that they already have a mother. I doubt they even expect to have the same relationship with her as she does with her son tbh, because again, they already have a mother. By the way, not having the same relationship is not the same as treating them like shit, I don’t know why it’s assumed to be the case that because she doesn’t consider herself to be a mother responsible for them, that she hates them. There’s a lot in between those two extremes.

They also have a father, who is responsible for childcare when they’re with him. Palming them off on OP is not being responsible for them.

The funny thing is that in this particular situation you can’t actually say she’s not treating them as her children, because like I said earlier, I’m pretty sure there wouldn’t be uproar if they were and she decided to leave then to entertain themselves, under the supervision of their father, while she took a stroll with the baby.

Quite. My DSS is older than OPs younger SC but still hasn't grown out of the "wanting to be the child that's watched" stage. Not so surprising given he doesn't have to deal with a much younger sibling most of the time. But taking him out to a park involves him playing in a different section to toddler DD but constantly wanting the adult to be with him, which is not possible with just one as she is much smaller and needs supervising. If not watched, he tends to run off and make things difficult, the jury is out on whether this is deliberate or not. But the point is it's manageable with DP but not something I'd take on by myself.

It’s something you shouldn’t have to put yourself through. If he needs constant supervision and you’re in the toddler area with your DC, it will be absolute chaos. Obviously parents of more than one with a challenging older child would have to manage it, but I think this is where it’s very relevant that he’s not yours. You shouldn’t have to handle these situations the same way a mum of 2 would.

It is ridiculous, yes, because it has no bearing on the situation at hand, the same as asking OP to imagine they’re her children. They’re not.

They are indeed a family unit, but them being OP’s family does not mean they’re OP’s children that she’s responsible for. Her family relationship to them is different to her family relationship to her son, same as her relationship with her mother is going to be different to the relationship she has with a cousin.

I’m sure all the mothers that think a stepmother should never make a distinction between her own children and those of her husband, would readily give their children's stepmothers full parental authority equal to theirs under the law, given that upon marriage those are her kids now too.

Exactly.
Highly unlikely.

But in MN land, step mothers are skivvies/aupair's that need to endlessly mind their step children children, treat them like their own, have zero opinions and STFU.🙄

@aSofaNearYou absolutely get your post.
One of mine was a bolter and the playground was very stressful for a period SO ....I divided up the trips as it made life easier and brought the bolter on his own until he grew out of it.

Too stressful on my own.

My husband was left with children at home and we all survived, even though the other children may have wanted to join me on occasion.

Part of family life in the real world.

Going for a walk with a baby in a pram is positively restful, compared with the engagement/looking out for, that is required with old children.

Astonishing how difficult the logistics of this is to understand for so many.

The fact that they are step-children is irrelevant. If they were the OP's biological children, would it be right that their dad insists that she take them along with her and the baby every time she goes out anywhere?

If they were the OP's children I very much doubt she'd be leaving the 7 year old at home to entertain themselves whilst she takes the baby to the park.

This was actually very much my point. Of course OP can do activities with the baby only, regardless of whether or not the older children are biologically hers or not. Just less focus in not wanting to bring them because they're not her children, and more focus on dividing up activities in a way that's both logistically sound and fair to all the children. That doesn't necessarily mean bringing everyone along for everything they might enjoy.

No, it doesn't mean that stepmothers become au pairs who have to sacrifice everything, including their right to a break and an opinion, for their step children. It just means remembering that the children certainly didn't ask for their family to be split up. That being said, the mothers in this situation should definitely also take their own energy levels, mental health and generel logistics into consideration when planning activities.

You forgot the 11 year old. As well as the fact the father was at home as well.

If they were the OP's children I very much doubt she'd be leaving the 7 year old at home to entertain themselves whilst she takes the baby to the park.

Maybe that’s because they’d be her children and seeing as she’d be a mum of 3, she’d have to plan her trips accordingly. They would live in one household and that would be their only opportunity to go out somewhere. The dsc’s do have their own mum to do things with.
OP is a mum of 1, and if she wants a trip out that reflects only having one child then she’s quite entitled to do that. A quiet walk through the park does reflect that. If she was a mum of 3 it wouldn’t be quite as easy to do that.

The dscs also have a father who can do things with them on his days off or when he’s finished work. I wonder if he takes them to the park for a play in the evening when he’s finished work? Not exactly dark at 5pm at this time of year.

God these sorts of threads show up with depressing regularity.
Why do women marry men who already HAVE children?
Why do they then go on to have babies with these men ?
Why do they then act like it's a MASSIVE surprise when the dad want to treat all HIS children the same?
Why do they act like it's a huge inconvenience to spend time with their sdc AFTER they have a baby of their own?

This is why I would never have contemplated dating, never mind marrying & having kids, with a man who already had kids. It was not for me & I recognized that.

Why do so few people seem to think it through?

I feel for the step kids in these situations.

@FantaLover

i agree entirely. I find it bizarre.

I know someone who married someone with older kids she doesn’t like. Decided it wasn’t a big deal as they’d only be around EOW and less as they become older teens.

Their mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly and now they live with her and her husband and it’s a car crash.

I don’t think you get involved with someone with kids unless you’re actually willing to be a parent to them in some way.

There's no problem with men wanting to treat all their kids the same. The problem comes when the stepmum is expected to love them as if they were their own child. That's very difficult, and not always welcomed by the children. My stepsons already have a mother - they don't need another one.

It’s fine if the dad wants to treat all his children the same, normal even, given that they’re all his children. They’re not all OP’s children though, they already have a mother. As such, her relationship with them will be different to the one she has with her biological child.

The stepchildren are also going to relate differently to her than they do to their actual mother.

None of this means the stepchildren are being treated unkindly though, or that she does nothing for them. It’s not some weird binary where it’s ‘exactly as her children, or nothing’.

@whumpthereitis I forgot neither. Dad was working so not able to entertain 7 year old. I can quite see an 11 year old preferring to stay home and entertain themselves. But a 7 year old?

With the 7 year old? Sure. Dad may be working but they’re his children and therefore his responsibility. If there’s a problem with that then that’s entirely on him to solve.

There’s literally plenty a 7 year old can be getting on with.
They’re not little toddlers who need constant supervision and help. I have a 7 year old myself and there have been many many afternoons where I have had to get jobs done and had no time to do anything with him/been really disengaged with him.
His cousin is the same age, and his mum works from home. Lots of children that age would have had to entertain themselves when we were in lockdown and parents were working from home.

Denying there was a problem.

The point of my post was about how the dc felt in their father's home.

In the case I posted about the father is ultimately to blame and will pay a heavy price for allowing his child to feel unwanted and excluded.

Your husband should be having time off work when he has his children - even if it's unpaid.

My son has his kids for half of every school holiday (including 3 weeks of the long summer holiday). He works longer weeks the rest of the time to make up for it, or he takes it as unpaid leave. He takes his children out or does something with them every time.

I should add that my son's last relationship broke up because she wanted to have a baby with my son - she had 2 kids already - and he said no, because his 2 are a priority. She got with someone on Tinder, and 2 months later got pregnant and had a baby.

Like I said. When their father finishes work, he can take his kids to the park himself. At this time of year it will still be light and summer evenings can be lovely at the park.
Doubt he will though. But that’s ok isn’t it?

Well they obviously weren’t compatible which is absolutely fine, and she did the right thing for herself by leaving if she wants children. Maybe even dodged a bullet so she doesn’t end up in these sorts of situations. She can have a baby with someone from Tinder if she wants to.