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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being terrible?

273 replies

SproutsRUs · 30/05/2022 17:20

My husband and I have one DC together who is a baby and he has older DC from a previous relationship who are 7 and 11.

It's half term this week and he's WFH as it's our week with DSC.

I find my husband can be a bit smothering in making sure everyone is included in everything and it's especially suffocating on school holidays because DSC are here all day and I feel like I can't leave the house without taking them.

Basically I just want some time alone during the week with our baby like when they are at school and he at work and so I've made a few excuses as to why we need to go out some of the days DSC are here. Mainly things like telling him a group we usually go to is still on when it's not so I can go for a walk / park with DC without everyone tagging along or that I have a dentist appointment when I don't.

I know it's not great to lie, but I don't know what's worse, saying that so I can keep my sanity and leave the house by ourselves some times or telling him I don't want to spend all week with his kids!

OP posts:
ChoiceMummy · 03/06/2022 07:26

5128gap · 02/06/2022 18:29

I can't see that anywhere in the OPs posts. In fact the OP actually stresses that she's not expected to look after them, he takes AL or WFH. He just wants her to take them out if she's doing something 'fun' as he wants them included. She even says 'not the food shop' As the threads progressed people have started referring to it as him palming them off for childcare, and that's become the accepted narrative. But it isn't what the OP has said.

Show quote history

Precisely.

aSofaNearYou · 03/06/2022 07:28

Precisely

Ignoring the people pointing out that what she's described here is, in fact, expecting her to look after them, and just saying this is "precisely correct", then. 🙄

The logic does not make sense at all.

Aprilx · 03/06/2022 08:49

billy1966 · 02/06/2022 19:45

If the OP had posted this with no mention of step children I wonder how it would be viewed.

Having to lie to leave the house without all three children in tow, always.

I for one would call that extremely controlling and would be suggesting a call to Women's aid.

Funny too how the children's mother being unavailable for minding her own children during the holidays, because of work inflexibility, is completely acceptable but somehow the all the obligation and responsibility of the OP.

She hasn't come back.

I hope she's too busy organising herself to get away from the waster who can't understand why she might want to go out with her child on her own.

People have no difficulty accepting that the children don't see much of their mother during the 6vweek holidays.

The holidays are for the OP to suck up.🙄

The OP says it is “our week” with the children.

The father has taken some time off to cover their time but can’t take it all, so it sounds like a couple of days to me.

OP has plenty of time with her own child but still wants to leave the step children at home whilst she does fun activities she knows they will enjoy.

aSofaNearYou · 03/06/2022 08:59

OP has plenty of time with her own child but still wants to leave the step children at home whilst she does fun activities she knows they will enjoy.

And I have plenty of time with my own child but I still want to take her out on activities I know her cousins would enjoy without taking them too, but that's fine because it's not my job to take them places regardless of whether they'd enjoy it, just because their parents "can't" get time off work. There's no such thing as "can't" find the time to look after your own kids, or properly organise childcare for them. You just have to do it.

5128gap · 03/06/2022 09:30

aSofaNearYou · 03/06/2022 08:59

OP has plenty of time with her own child but still wants to leave the step children at home whilst she does fun activities she knows they will enjoy.

And I have plenty of time with my own child but I still want to take her out on activities I know her cousins would enjoy without taking them too, but that's fine because it's not my job to take them places regardless of whether they'd enjoy it, just because their parents "can't" get time off work. There's no such thing as "can't" find the time to look after your own kids, or properly organise childcare for them. You just have to do it.

You can keep calling it childcare as much as you like, but that's completely ignoring the OPs stance. She was quite clear that she feels her H is taking responsibility, and that this isn't about day to day child minding, but about including the children in activities they would like.
And it's all well and good saying its on him, but that completely ignores the fact that what he does impacts the OP too. So if he uses all his AL to take his children to the park, there is less time for him to give to the OP and baby. If he takes unpaid leave it impacts the family budget.
It might work in some households to keep DC from former relationships completely separate from the new partner, but most don't operate that way.

aSofaNearYou · 03/06/2022 09:38

You can keep calling it childcare as much as you like, but that's completely ignoring the OPs stance. She was quite clear that she feels her H is taking responsibility, and that this isn't about day to day child minding, but about including the children in activities they would like.
And it's all well and good saying its on him, but that completely ignores the fact that what he does impacts the OP too. So if he uses all his AL to take his children to the park, there is less time for him to give to the OP and baby. If he takes unpaid leave it impacts the family budget.
It might work in some households to keep DC from former relationships completely separate from the new partner, but most don't operate that way.

Taking children out of the house is an entirely different kettle of fish to just knocking about the house with them, it's much more work. OP might choose to put up with the child minding at home but that in no way means it is not child minding, that's exactly what it is.

Regardless of the arrangement between them and whether she is willing to do some childminding for him because of finances etc, that's still what it is.

Porcupineintherough · 03/06/2022 09:58

Perhaps if the Op went back to work full time then her dh could get a job with more flexible hours and spend more time looking after all 3 of his children? Because currently he's subsidising her to work part time to care for 1/3 of them.

aSofaNearYou · 03/06/2022 10:01

Porcupineintherough · 03/06/2022 09:58

Perhaps if the Op went back to work full time then her dh could get a job with more flexible hours and spend more time looking after all 3 of his children? Because currently he's subsidising her to work part time to care for 1/3 of them.

It's perfectly normal for one parent to work full time while the other works part time caring only for their joint child. Why is this suddenly being framed as an insult and like she isn't pulling her weight because HE happens to have additional responsibilities?

whumpthereitis · 03/06/2022 10:16

Porcupineintherough · 03/06/2022 09:58

Perhaps if the Op went back to work full time then her dh could get a job with more flexible hours and spend more time looking after all 3 of his children? Because currently he's subsidising her to work part time to care for 1/3 of them.

And she’s saving him money for his share of childcare. For his child with her, and for the care she also provides for his other two.

Not taking his children out every single time she wants to do something with her baby does not mean she does nothing for them.

He should look at changing his working patterns though if he’s incapable of providing care for HIS children that does beyond making them OP’s responsibility. Or he could make new arrangements with their other parent in regards to the holidays.

billy1966 · 03/06/2022 10:25

Aprilx · 03/06/2022 08:49

The OP says it is “our week” with the children.

The father has taken some time off to cover their time but can’t take it all, so it sounds like a couple of days to me.

OP has plenty of time with her own child but still wants to leave the step children at home whilst she does fun activities she knows they will enjoy.

Show quote history

The OP has specifically mentioned the school holidays being particularly smothering because the children's mother is unable to take time off.

CotswoldWoolly · 03/06/2022 10:31

Step parent (and parent here). All children should feel like they’re fully a part of a family whether blended or not, step child, or not.
What would you do if all three children were your own, OP? That should give you your answer right there.

whumpthereitis · 03/06/2022 11:03

CotswoldWoolly · 03/06/2022 10:31

Step parent (and parent here). All children should feel like they’re fully a part of a family whether blended or not, step child, or not.
What would you do if all three children were your own, OP? That should give you your answer right there.

And how would you do if your grandma was a fish? They’re not her own, and that fact isn’t some small detail. Even if they were, I highly doubt there would be outrage if a mother went for a walk with her baby and left her older two to entertain themselves at home while their father worked.

That may be how your family runs, but it’s not a universal standard that everyone works to.

AtwilightRebellion · 03/06/2022 11:17

The second problem is that having started a relationship with a man with two children you seem to have gone cold on the idea of a blended family. You simply do not want them around, and this is going to be a much bigger problem further down the line when the children are older. Your resentment will feed through to them in small ways, and this is not their fault op. They did not ask to have separated parents and have you and half siblings in their lives. So as a matter of decency when you are together, try to be kind and inclusive

Very much this.

OP, This happened in my immediate family. The dsc was being left behind and knew the dsm was deliberately leaving them behind. It was spiteful and unnecessary. The dsc no longer goes to their fathers home and has no relationship at all with the half sibling some years on. There was no major fallout but after years of feeling cast aside and unwanted by the step mother the dsc made the choice at 15 to no longer go and stay there.

I doubt the relationship between the child and father will ever be the same again either. The step mother wasn't cruel or overtly unkind, but she preferred the dsc wasn't around. This was very much felt by the dsc.

funinthesun19 · 03/06/2022 11:46

I highly doubt there would be outrage if a mother went for a walk with her baby and left her older two to entertain themselves at home while their father worked.

I agree with this 100%. And I doubt there would be this faux hurt on the dad’s part too.

Cantbebotheredwithausername · 03/06/2022 11:57

What really strikes me is not your desire for some easier alone-time with your little one, but your distinction between your child and HIS children. You're all a family, and I don't think drawing the line like that is fair to the children at all. If you need a break for your sanity, that's all good, as it would be if those were biologically your children. But you need to go about this in a way that doesn't imply that your partner's children are less legitimately a part of your family.

aSofaNearYou · 03/06/2022 13:03

*The dsc was being left behind and knew the dsm was deliberately leaving them behind. It was spiteful and unnecessary. The dsc no longer goes to their fathers home and has no relationship at all with the half sibling some years on. There was no major fallout but after years of feeling cast aside and unwanted by the step mother the dsc made the choice at 15 to no longer go and stay there.

I doubt the relationship between the child and father will ever be the same again either. The step mother wasn't cruel or overtly unkind, but she preferred the dsc wasn't around. This was very much felt by the dsc.*

What was the dad doing during all of this?

aSofaNearYou · 03/06/2022 13:04

Cantbebotheredwithausername · 03/06/2022 11:57

What really strikes me is not your desire for some easier alone-time with your little one, but your distinction between your child and HIS children. You're all a family, and I don't think drawing the line like that is fair to the children at all. If you need a break for your sanity, that's all good, as it would be if those were biologically your children. But you need to go about this in a way that doesn't imply that your partner's children are less legitimately a part of your family.

No need for that to "strike" you, they are less legitimately her children. That is in no way unfair to them, they have two parents.

Pippainthegarden · 03/06/2022 13:08

YANBU, fair enough to expect you to take them on the odd trip out but not all week. Why were they not booked in holiday club if he’s worried about them getting bored?

CotswoldWoolly · 03/06/2022 13:12

@whumpthereitis ridiculous comparison. We are talking about a family unit. The DSC will soon get the impression from both the OP and her DH that they aren’t considered part of that family.
As a parent/stepparent, you can’t pick and choose.

Cantbebotheredwithausername · 03/06/2022 15:11

They also have two homes in which they need to feel like they belong. And ALL the adults in boths homes are responsible for that. I'm not saying the two older children have to come along for everything. A mum can absolutely take a break when needed. I'm just saying the children didn't ask for their families to be split up like this, and care should be taken to make them feel like they belong.

funinthesun19 · 03/06/2022 15:21

I'm not saying the two older children have to come along for everything.

But that’s just it. You say that now, but no matter how many trips OP takes them on, someone will still come along moan that it isn’t enough and how unfair it is. As soon as she doesn’t take them somewhere then that will be it…

Just one trip with her this half term would have been more than enough.

funinthesun19 · 03/06/2022 15:21

I'm not saying the two older children have to come along for everything.

But that’s just it. You say that now, but no matter how many trips OP takes them on, someone will still come along moan that it isn’t enough and how unfair it is. As soon as she doesn’t take them somewhere then that will be it…

Just one trip with her this half term would have been more than enough.

Cantbebotheredwithausername · 03/06/2022 16:15

That's actually exactly what I did NOT say. This is more about making sure the older children are made to feel they have a place in the family. Instead of the OP taking HER child out for fun while leaving HIS child at home, maybe it's more about telling the kids that today we're doing baby-fun with the little one, and [insert day] we're doing big-kids stuff that either one or both the older children are requesting. Maybe one parent (could be their dad) takes one or both of the older children out for something fun while mum/other parent stays home with the little one and maybe the other of husband's children, if they didn't come along. I'm not saying there is a fixed number of trips or fun things they should be taken along for. I'! simply saying that the idea that the mum shouldn't have to take them with her simply because they're not HER children will make them feel less-than in their own home.

funinthesun19 · 03/06/2022 17:03

Maybe one parent (could be their dad)

Well, to be honest I think the days that are centred around the older children should be planned and implemented by their father rather than OP.

A trip to the park is obviously for everyone. But since she’s got a baby, to her it’s probably more about going for a walk/fresh air and maybe a little play on the swings for the baby before stopping off for a coffee. It’s obviously a different story when you take two older children with you and the trip is very different. Especially when the park has rides going on in the summer months and isn’t just a park anymore but a mini theme park.
Maybe some days she just wants the quiet walk.

funinthesun19 · 03/06/2022 17:05

And the problem is, when do you decide when OP is allowed to do that?