Am I being terrible?

[SproutsRUs]

My husband and I have one DC together who is a baby and he has older DC from a previous relationship who are 7 and 11.

It's half term this week and he's WFH as it's our week with DSC.

I find my husband can be a bit smothering in making sure everyone is included in everything and it's especially suffocating on school holidays because DSC are here all day and I feel like I can't leave the house without taking them.

Basically I just want some time alone during the week with our baby like when they are at school and he at work and so I've made a few excuses as to why we need to go out some of the days DSC are here. Mainly things like telling him a group we usually go to is still on when it's not so I can go for a walk / park with DC without everyone tagging along or that I have a dentist appointment when I don't.

I know it's not great to lie, but I don't know what's worse, saying that so I can keep my sanity and leave the house by ourselves some times or telling him I don't want to spend all week with his kids!

@Swayingpalmtrees

“find my husband can be a bit smothering”

What percentage of alone time do you get with your child?

Why is that question being even asked

I ask because that was the issue raised by OP

the point is that she not be used as an unpaid nanny to children that are not her own by the sc parents, she has made it clear she doesn't want to, and is being bullied into continuing

This has been inferred by other posters including you. That was not OP’s original point. It’s the narrative being spun. As I understand it OP is trying to find the right balance. I suggest embracing parts of life that we find a bit frustrating. Make something good out of them

It must be really suffocating feeling like you can’t ever go out without taking dsc with you. The summer holidays will be wonderful for you. Your dh should be planning ahead for that with holiday clubs.

The odd day taking dsc with you fair enough. But every single time you set foot out of the door? That’s literally what is being asked of you and it’s not on. It’s no wonder you feel like lying, but it shouldn’t even come to that. Huge red flags there and not because of you.

The summer holidays will be wonderful for you

I'm absolutely dreading them to be honest!

YANBU but it's a shame you can't be honest with him. Life is easier when your partner wouldn't be upset that you sometimes want time away from his kids/don't want to look after them when you go out. It doesn't have to be an upsetting thing, it's actually quite obvious, some just don't seem to be able to take it.

I feel sorry for the other children. I feel if you start a relationship with someone who already has children, they're part of the package. How would you feel about your own child being treated like that by someone else? I knew when I was young and parentless I wouldn't/couldn't have dealt with my partner already having children - so that ruled those people out for me. You've made that decision now so you need to figure it out. It doesn't sound like they live with you all the time, and their Dad does as much as he can to spend time with them, so really it's just putting your issue aside the days they are there. You're a family and you need to sort your head out.

You need to talk to him then and be firm.
The trouble is, you've allowed a pattern of behaviour to develop probably dating back a few years when you were happy to include your DSC and be the perfect stepparent (as so many are when they first start a relationship with someone with DC) The arrival of your own baby has changed the dynamic for you, understandably, but not for anyone else. So your DH and DSC are obviously not going to be happy about the goal posts being moved.
But, really, what's the option? Either they're unhappy with you, or you're unhappy with the situation.
Personally I think you're doing too much childcare, but including them on trips out is not unreasonable.
You might find it better to frame it to your DH less in terms of wanting time alone with your baby (he won't like this, they'll the DC are all equally important to him) but more about the difficulties you have coping with all three.

All the DC, not they'll the DC.

Nah, many of us would be totally fine with our children being cared for by their other parent when they are with them, rather than by their partner.

I think part of the issue is that even though your DH is at home, he is working so the default parenting of the kids falls to you.

If you aren't happy with this you need to say so. Maybe put the 7yo in some holiday clubs for a few days. I mean, what would your DH do if you weren't around and he had a job where he needed to work out of the house??

But I still think it's unreasonable to leave them out of stuff they'd enjoy doing just because you want 1:1 time with your child, which you appear to get plenty of during term time

You have most of the year to do things with your child only and your husband takes some leave during school holidays (as he should obviously) but cannot cover it all. So you are really talking about a few days of including your step children.

Now entertaining step children wouldn’t be my idea of fun either if I am honest, so guess what, I didn’t marry a man with children. Your attitude is awful, those poor children.

You have most of the year to do things with your child only and your husband takes some leave during school holidays (as he should obviously) but cannot cover it all. So you are really talking about a few days of including your step children.

If he were any other type of parent, he wouldn't have the option of saying he "cannot cover it all", he would simply have to do it. That doesn't suddenly change because he gets a partner, no matter how many men like to royally take the piss and act like it does. The step parent gets to choose how much they do and don't do.

You should have posted in step parenting OP, most people on AIBU have no clue about step parenting and have wildly unrealistic views of what it involves.

OP,

Was he this controlling of you, your time, and your work choices BEFORE you had children?

It's a simple question that the answer to will tell a lot.

Men often have children with step mothers to just tie them to them.

How long were you living with him before you had your child?

It is very strange that you didn't feel this controlled BEFORE having children.

You didn't feel smothered by him.

He didn't insist you take HIS children with you EVERY time you left the house, did he?

I would be looking at returning to work full-time.

Keep your financial independence.

Well done to NOT giving into being totally dependent on him financially.

Have you family you can visit with your child?

Perhaps some space would help you realise how messed up it is that you have to lie to leave the house on your own.

It's a huge red flag to me.

Your husband isn't being controlled by anyone as to how he can leave the house.

The children's mother certainly isn't being controlled as to when she leaves her house.

Funny how it is you OP, that is the one who's life is being impacted for the holidays, by the childcare of children that are NOT yours.

Funny that.🙄

Nobody is expecting the OP to take them on a two week holiday by herself!

She goes to the park or an activity with her own child, yet leaves the stepchildren at home despite knowing they would love to go! It’s just basic human decency, what sort of person would leave two children out of something enjoyable for a couple of days in the holidays?

I wouldn't be willing to take my DSS, with all his challenging behaviours, out without my DP. Even less so if there were two of him.

It's on DP to be around to do fun things with him.

Nah, many of us would be totally fine with our children being cared for by their other parent when they are with them, rather than by their partner.

Aka, intentionally left out of activities with their half siblings whilst their parent works for a living. Very odd.

Aka, intentionally left out of activities with their half siblings whilst their parent works for a living. Very odd.

Most parents work for a living. It's not suddenly shocking that they need to actually be available for their kids just because their parent happens to have a partner.

It’s because I’m from a large family (10+ Siblings), that I would find this overwhelming! 😁 I HAVE to have time alone everyday or I’d go mad.

Perhaps share it, such as offer to take them out to the park one day and go alone the next?

@aSofaNearYou I'm not sure what point you're trying to make... clearly this is a sensitive personal issue for you and you are feeling triggered. Op has already said she's not expected to provide childcare for them all week, but obviously the older children's parents are using wfh to save on childcare costs - why isn't the Mum having the children during some of the holidays? Why are they always with their dad?

The point is, when they are there with their dad/half sibling, to leave them out of going to the bloody park is just cruel and selfish. OP is going the right way about creating a hierarchy and divide between her child and his. These are actual real people who will know they are not wanted.

My suggestion would be to go back to work full time. Unless you feel able to have a proper discussion with your husband about what a user he is being? Which it sounds like you're not as he bullies you into doing as he says. Presumably when you did work full time, your husband and his ex wife somehow arranged care for their children during school holidays. So now you're PT - have you become the nanny?

I'm not triggered. What an odd thing to say. It's the people who disagree with me on this thread using hyperbolic terms about how cruel this perfectly normal behaviour is.

I don't take my SC out with me without DP. Full stop. It's hard work and it's not my job to deal with that. That would only be more the case if there was more than one of them. I'll be getting on with my life whilst they are there so if my DP doesn't want to feel like they are missing out on things I am doing then he knows he best be free to come along too so he is around to watch his kid. None of that is odd, or cruel. It is a natural reflection of the fact that these are his kids and his responsibility.

@aSofaNearYou it's not an odd thing to say at all given you've just confirmed you are also that step parent 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Eh?

It's not a sensitive issue for me because I don't have any issues with my DP and his expectations of me as a step parent.

It IS a sensitive issue to the people who are horrified by any step parent not willing to be an automatic third parent.

@aSofaNearYou Nobody said anything about being a third parent fgs 🙄 I take it you have no experience of being the less favoured step child. Your perspective is clear.