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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being terrible?

273 replies

SproutsRUs · 30/05/2022 17:20

My husband and I have one DC together who is a baby and he has older DC from a previous relationship who are 7 and 11.

It's half term this week and he's WFH as it's our week with DSC.

I find my husband can be a bit smothering in making sure everyone is included in everything and it's especially suffocating on school holidays because DSC are here all day and I feel like I can't leave the house without taking them.

Basically I just want some time alone during the week with our baby like when they are at school and he at work and so I've made a few excuses as to why we need to go out some of the days DSC are here. Mainly things like telling him a group we usually go to is still on when it's not so I can go for a walk / park with DC without everyone tagging along or that I have a dentist appointment when I don't.

I know it's not great to lie, but I don't know what's worse, saying that so I can keep my sanity and leave the house by ourselves some times or telling him I don't want to spend all week with his kids!

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 30/05/2022 20:27

Also I frequently go out without my step children. Its fine to want some space from them and I think it's good for them to have time with their dad. I can guarantee that if you had posted that you felt left out when they did things the same posters would be telling you that you should give them time with their dad -. Step mum's can't win unfortunately.

itsjustnotok · 30/05/2022 20:28

No wonder kids feel unwanted and like spare parts. I’m so, so very lucky that my step mum was loving and welcoming. My dad would take as much time off as he could but ultimately they had very little money and so they made sacrifices to pay the mortgage. That meant my step mum taking care of us together with her and my dads children and we weren’t treated differently. I honestly don’t understand why people get together with someone who has children. What would they do if they had to take care of them full time. It’s a family and the children have had no choice in the decision made by their parents. Once you become a step parent there are some things that naturally come with the role, no need to replace anyone but to make excuses to get away with your child is so sad for those kids.

SproutRUs · 30/05/2022 20:28

Surely if your kid had a step parent who left them out frequently you would feel upset?

I don't get this though, why would it be any of my business what my exes partner did with her time and child?

My husband can of course have an opinion on it as my partner but if his ex told me I should be taking their children with me whenever I go out when their dad is at home id tell her it was nothing to do with her what I did during my week! And she never would tbf.

Nyfluff · 30/05/2022 20:29

There aren't that many holiday weeks. I'd be having a serious talk as it doesn't sound like you want to be a stepmum.

tootiredtospeak · 30/05/2022 20:30

I think whilst they are with you then you are...whilst they are with her then you arent. That's my opinion anyway to truly become a blended family there has to be effort on all sides. Who doesn't prefer time on their own. I have 3 and prefer time with just one than all of them. I know they arent yours but it's not even every week by the sounds of it.

SproutRUs · 30/05/2022 20:30

My husband's ex has a partner, I'd tell my husband he was being a nosey jerk personally if he was questioning why her partner didn't take out their kids when he went somewhere with his own.

Plus DSC wouldn't know where I'm going.

SproutRUs · 30/05/2022 20:31

Yerroblemom1923 · 30/05/2022 20:26

@winterchills yes, but if their dad is working from home he can look after them. That's presumably why he chose to stay at home over half term week.

Yes that's why he does it. He's not even bothered until he gets wind of me going anywhere.

DolphinaPD · 30/05/2022 20:32

BrutusMcDogface · 30/05/2022 20:14

But you don’t have to stay in while your baby climbs the walls? Just take them with you?

Why should she? She's not their parent.

Mangogogogo · 30/05/2022 20:34

Ugh I would leave my partner if he treat my son like this.

luckily he’s not an absolute cruel bastard.

my good karma came back around when my son got an awesome step mum at his dads who treats him like her own!

whumpthereitis · 30/05/2022 20:34

What are the ‘natural things that come with the role’ though? Picking up the slack as the unpaid lackey, presumably? The children have two parents responsible for them. Two. If they want OP to be responsible for them as well then maybe they should offer to give her PR and treat her accordingly as the third parent, with an equal say in any decision making pertaining to the children. I’m going to guess that wouldn’t be popular, however.

It’s possible for a stepmother to act as a friendly adult without having to be responsible for them in any sort of mother role.

nokidshere · 30/05/2022 20:35

I don't normally get involved with step parent threads but I'm struggling to understand this one.

Do your SC live with you? If they don't do you have them every day of every school holiday?

Either way they have just been at school,for the past 6/7 weeks and they will be at school for the next 6/7 weeks, plenty of time for you to spend time with your baby alone.

I just cannot understand couples who get together knowing there are children involved and then don't want to be a family, it makes no sense at all and is very unfair on the children.

tootiredtospeak · 30/05/2022 20:35

Why should she she isnt their parent. Because it's a nice humane thing to do. Does she make her kid food but insist he makes theirs. Does she wash his hers and babys clothes but seperate theirs for him to do. Just because you arent a biological parent it doesmt mean you need to be an arse. I am not saying you are but that argument is so irritating.

whumpthereitis · 30/05/2022 20:37

tootiredtospeak · 30/05/2022 20:35

Why should she she isnt their parent. Because it's a nice humane thing to do. Does she make her kid food but insist he makes theirs. Does she wash his hers and babys clothes but seperate theirs for him to do. Just because you arent a biological parent it doesmt mean you need to be an arse. I am not saying you are but that argument is so irritating.

How is wanting to have time out with just her baby ‘being an arse’? It’s not like two older children wouldn’t change the dynamic, they would.

SproutRUs · 30/05/2022 20:37

tootiredtospeak · 30/05/2022 20:35

Why should she she isnt their parent. Because it's a nice humane thing to do. Does she make her kid food but insist he makes theirs. Does she wash his hers and babys clothes but seperate theirs for him to do. Just because you arent a biological parent it doesmt mean you need to be an arse. I am not saying you are but that argument is so irritating.

I do do lots of these things.

KylieKoKo · 30/05/2022 20:38

Mangogogogo · 30/05/2022 20:34

Ugh I would leave my partner if he treat my son like this.

luckily he’s not an absolute cruel bastard.

my good karma came back around when my son got an awesome step mum at his dads who treats him like her own!

Ugh. I'd leave my partner if he expected me to be the unpaid lackey when he couldn't be bothered to take the kids out.

Luckily he's not a lazy bastard.

My good karma came back around because dsds mum is a reasonable woman who doesn't see me as childcare.

SproutRUs · 30/05/2022 20:39

Contact is a bit erratic. We have them 2-3 days a week usually and then most of the school holiday as their mum really struggles to get the time off (public service role with lots of staffing issues!), sometimes she'll pick them up after she finishes work at like 6ish so they still stay with her but we tend to do the majority during the holidays.

tootiredtospeak · 30/05/2022 20:39

I wasnt aiming that at you but another poster. But can you see if you did do that that it could be perceived as mean the same as what this is a bit. I am sure your not mean otherwise you wouldn't really be giving it much thought. But I think honestly it's not that big of an ask at least once in the week.

Sittingonabench · 30/05/2022 20:48

There isn’t a right way to be a step-parent. If you treat them like your own then there’s a high risk that the mother gets upset as she feels you are overstepping. If you don’t then you are shirking your responsibilities.
It sounds like you support and facilitate your dsc being with their dad and feeling safe and welcome in the home (cooking, washing, taking on the practical load for them). That’s great. They are not yours though, and entertaining them and giving them everything they want may not be your role (just as discipline and getting involved in education may not be). Posters saying it is your responsibility would be quick to judge if you overstepped but parallel will say “you knew he had children and what you were getting into”. That’s simply not true. Step-parenting is a balance that is hard to find and needs to take everyone’s needs into account. Spending some time with your own child is equally important. You’re doing great!

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 30/05/2022 20:52

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting pockets of time for just you and your DC; as a former step-Mum, I remember it sometimes feeling a tad stifling.
However, this time could easily be scheduled in without the somewhat risible and frankly quite bizarre habit of lying.
Yes, it is pretty crap to lie about where you are going and, yep, it's pretty mean to not taking DSC along with you. However, it doesn't sound as though you intend to change how you are dealing with this?
Children aren't obtuse and they will pick up on your little trail of deceit sooner or later.

oakleaffy · 30/05/2022 20:53

Jojobees · 30/05/2022 20:01

I think you and your DH need to have a serious chat. You knew he had children when you married him. You knew you would need to co parent them with him.
I think you are being incredibly selfish to those poor step children, and they deserve better.
imagine in a few years time it’s your DC who is being left behind because the step mum hates being around him, how would you feel?

Absolutely true.
You could be a divorced parent in future, with some new wife not wanting to spend time with your child/ren.
It’s hard being a stepchild.
You knew he had kids before you married him, and like it or not, the husband and kids come as a package.

canonlydoblue · 30/05/2022 20:59

Your poor stepchildren. Are these fake outings going to be something you just do when your biological child is a baby or are you going to have to prep them to lie to their father and siblings when they are able to talk?

Mrsmch123 · 30/05/2022 21:12

I think it's mean tbh. Of course a child would want to got some something "more fun" and to not take them is a bit shit. It's your week with them so either schedule the "fun" thing when they are not there or back at school. I would be livid if my husband lied to me about what he was doing. Why not just be honest and say you find it a bit much and that your going out for a bit. Go for a quick walk then back home.

LittleOwl153 · 30/05/2022 21:18

I get you OP. Different situation but I have kids with a big age gap and at times it's been easier to do things with 1 in tow than the other or both. Babies who are happy in the pram are different from scooter wielding, screaming 7yr olds on a walk, teens upstairs with headphones on are very different from 5yr olds wanting to play games constantly when you want a quiet half hour. But because it's step children involved it's different when actually it isn't is it. I have times when I can handle the quieter child but the noisey or more demanding one I need a break from. And they vary as they age (and moods/hormones change!).

I would actually take the opportunity tomorrow, but then perhaps later in the week try doing something together - "let's all go to the park this morning" - then something just you/baby... "I'm going to stick baby in pram and go for a walk this afternoon I need some quiet time".
I think if DH objects to this then he needs a sit down talk to. Explaining that you just can't handle the noise/hussle all the time and need some downtime but appreciate leaving him with baby as well is going to be difficult but he needs to let you take a walk without the guilt tripping.

I'd also probably look in to working from the office on your work days through the summer - as I assume baby is in childcare - so you can get some space that way too. (You won't be the only parent to do this!)

HairyScaryMonster · 30/05/2022 21:28

I think there's a balance here, you've got 8 hours to fill, no reason why you can't do a solo pram walk as well as an everyone park trip. Are they with you everyday for every holiday?

Lollypop701 · 30/05/2022 21:28

I have no opinion to offer just a question. Your dc will get older and at some point you are going to get found out… how are you going to deal with that? How is your dh going to deal with it? I get you are overwhelmed, but you are lying to your dh. Would it be ok if he lied to you (just off for a walk … goes to gym for an hour and leaves you with dc) . Whatever it is you can’t lie and need to find something that works for both of you