Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being terrible?

273 replies

SproutsRUs · 30/05/2022 17:20

My husband and I have one DC together who is a baby and he has older DC from a previous relationship who are 7 and 11.

It's half term this week and he's WFH as it's our week with DSC.

I find my husband can be a bit smothering in making sure everyone is included in everything and it's especially suffocating on school holidays because DSC are here all day and I feel like I can't leave the house without taking them.

Basically I just want some time alone during the week with our baby like when they are at school and he at work and so I've made a few excuses as to why we need to go out some of the days DSC are here. Mainly things like telling him a group we usually go to is still on when it's not so I can go for a walk / park with DC without everyone tagging along or that I have a dentist appointment when I don't.

I know it's not great to lie, but I don't know what's worse, saying that so I can keep my sanity and leave the house by ourselves some times or telling him I don't want to spend all week with his kids!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 30/05/2022 22:12

I think it is extremely understandable that you would like to go out with just your child one on one.

You have them for most of the holidays because their mother can't?

Why does that then become YOUR responsibility for the holidays?

That you have to lie because your husband can't and won't understand that you want to leave the house with one, not three children, is hugely convenient and controlling of him.

Himself and his ex need to sort themselves out.

You are not controlled by them, though it sounds as if you are, if you can't leave your home without lying about it.

That is very messed up.

How convenient for your husband and his ex that they have you as au pair for the holidays.

They need to sort themselves and their childrens childcare out between them, and not taking complete advantage of you.

Help a little bit IF it suits you, but NOT to the extent they control you, the way it appears you feel they do.

I think it is utter madness to get involved with men with children, so many seem to be looking for replacement childcare.

qpmz · 30/05/2022 22:18

Split all the school holidays between parents so they spend half the time with you and half the time with their Mum.

KarmaStar · 30/05/2022 23:05

If they are your step children,why are you treating them differently to your child?
Surely they are part of your family?it's not his and gets kids is it?

whumpthereitis · 30/05/2022 23:39

KarmaStar · 30/05/2022 23:05

If they are your step children,why are you treating them differently to your child?
Surely they are part of your family?it's not his and gets kids is it?

Because they’re her step kids, not her kids? They’re part of her family but she’s not their mother. She isn’t responsible for them.

Even if they were her kids, I imagine taking a baby for a walk is quite different to taking a baby and two preteens for a walk

SproutRUs · 31/05/2022 06:56

Thanks for the replies.

Those asking what I'd planned to do when my child got older, I hadn't thought that far ahead. I of course would never ask my child to lie. I guess I'd hope that my DSC would be older too and less likely to want to come everywhere with us.

user1474315215 · 31/05/2022 07:14

SproutsRUs · 30/05/2022 19:54

I don't think it helps because I'm not from a large family, I find it suffocating all being together all of the time. I really enjoy space and time with my DC by ourselves. I also enjoy spending time all together sometimes but I need those little breaks throughout to not hate it.

It's such a cliche, but I can't help wondering why you married him and had a child with him when you knew he had DC?

SproutRUs · 31/05/2022 07:21

However, it doesn't sound as though you intend to change how you are dealing with this?

I'd actually much prefer not to lie. I have tried in the past to tell him 'no I'd rather go to X alone today' and it causes arguments. He doesn't get it, he takes it as an offense. I feel like it's my easiest option to be able to leave the house by myself which I don't like but also don't want the argument.

It's such a cliche, but I can't help wondering why you married him and had a child with him when you knew he had DC?

I guess things were very different before. I was working full time in an office, I was never really involved with holiday care, I felt like I was still an individual back then. Now I'm always home, expected to do a lot more because of that which I understand but also feel like I'm never just allowed space when they are around. It's not something I experienced the same when we first met or married, as I say my week looked very different back then!

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 31/05/2022 07:21

SproutRUs · 31/05/2022 06:56

Thanks for the replies.

Those asking what I'd planned to do when my child got older, I hadn't thought that far ahead. I of course would never ask my child to lie. I guess I'd hope that my DSC would be older too and less likely to want to come everywhere with us.

so you’re basically hoping your child and their step siblings never develop too much of a relationship?

I’m a step mum who loves her time alone, trust me

BUT

I’d feel INCREDIBLY shitty if I was going somewhere every child would love to go, such as play park, and I left my step kids behind to ‘kick around’ or play PlayStation. I certainly don’t co parent them, but I understand and accept that my role in their lives goes beyond washing their clothes & tidying their rooms when they’re with us.

And your step kids are 7&11, I think it’s old enough for them not to be much of a bother to you in a park? They surely just play with each other/other kids while you can do you with your little one?

SproutRUs · 31/05/2022 07:27

so you’re basically hoping your child and their step siblings never develop too much of a relationship?

Bit of a leap. I never said anything of the sort. DSC love our DC, they are great together. As I've already said a few times, we do lots of things together as a family. Not sure why they have to come everywhere with us to be able to have a relationship.

Not sure if it's just my DSC but they definitely change the dynamic of being out and what we can do. If it's not arguing it's wanting to go home after 10 mins of walking ect..

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 31/05/2022 07:33

“I'd actually much prefer not to lie. I have tried in the past to tell him 'no I'd rather go to X alone today' and it causes arguments. He doesn't get it, he takes it as an offense.”

I mean, can you blame him though? Imagine the step kids are your kids, and your husband only wants to take your little one out?

Marring someone with kids always carries the possibility of the DSC ending up living with full time for whatever reason (death/illness/change of heart etc.) It appears to me you just about tolerate your DSC, how would you navigate in such scenario?

if the issue is with your DH not stepping up then talk it through now, but if you feel like lying about your whereabouts just to get out of taking DSC out then I can’t see a solution to that really…

SproutRUs · 31/05/2022 07:35

Imagine the step kids are your kids, and your husband only wants to take your little one out?

Obviously it's hard to imagine a scenario you're not in fully but I don't know why I'd be mad at that? Providing he did things with my kids at other times, as a family, was kind to them and so on... Why would I begrudge him spending a couple of hours with his child every so often?

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 31/05/2022 07:43

Bit of a leap. I never said anything of the sort. DSC love our DC, they are great together. As I've already said a few times, we do lots of things together as a family. Not sure why they have to come everywhere with us to be able to have a relationship.

i based it on your previous post were you’ve said you hope as your DSc get older they won’t want to come to the same activities as your child.
I mean, it’s an odd thing to “hope” for, even for step siblings. Again, I’d understand if you were going somewhere like a baby class, but you’re going to a park.

If they whinge when out with you, tell them before leaving the house that you’re going out for let’s say an hour, and they need to take a football to keep themselves occupied.

RaisinGhost · 31/05/2022 07:47

I actually think this is fine. It's a little white lie to make everyone feel happy.

If I'm a bit bored at a social event I'd say "got an early start tomorrow, I better get going" rather than "I'm bored and I'm leaving". I see it similar to that.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 31/05/2022 07:50

Why would I begrudge him spending a couple of hours with his child every so often?

Even if the “every so often “ was when you WFH?

I think we just have to agree to disagree.

You’ve asked if you’re terrible, I wouldn’t say as much but I do think it’s shitty to lie about your whereabouts to get out of taking DSC out, sorry.
I don’t think it’s a healthy relationship/family dynamic.

SproutRUs · 31/05/2022 07:53

I said wouldn't want to come everywhere with us. Yes I hope that I'll be more able to spend some alone time with my child without feeling bad because they won't always want to come anyway as they get older.

Relationship or not I don't think it's that unusual that children with large age gaps don't always want to do everything together as they get older.

SproutRUs · 31/05/2022 07:54

RaisinGhost · 31/05/2022 07:47

I actually think this is fine. It's a little white lie to make everyone feel happy.

If I'm a bit bored at a social event I'd say "got an early start tomorrow, I better get going" rather than "I'm bored and I'm leaving". I see it similar to that.

This is how I thought when I've done it. DSC don't know where I'm going do can't get upset about it and DH doesn't either so avoids the argument with him

SproutRUs · 31/05/2022 07:55

Even if the “every so often “ was when you WFH?

Well considering I would have been working from home precisely so I could look after my children, yes?

5128gap · 31/05/2022 07:55

I think resorting to lies when you are your partner have a difference of opinion isn't great. Unless you're frightened of him, its a lazy and weak way to get your own way, that doesn't address the areas of disagreement and sets a terrible precedent.
You should either tell him straight and stand your ground; or just accept that on some days of the year, you won't be going out alone with your baby.

FfeminyddCymraeg · 31/05/2022 07:57

nokidshere · 30/05/2022 20:35

I don't normally get involved with step parent threads but I'm struggling to understand this one.

Do your SC live with you? If they don't do you have them every day of every school holiday?

Either way they have just been at school,for the past 6/7 weeks and they will be at school for the next 6/7 weeks, plenty of time for you to spend time with your baby alone.

I just cannot understand couples who get together knowing there are children involved and then don't want to be a family, it makes no sense at all and is very unfair on the children.

Same here. I usually read these boards and think some of the expectations of step parents are U and a bit much but this just feels mean, and a bit spiteful.

Op’s DH seems like a good parent - I don’t understand why the OP got with somebody who had 2DC (and had one of her own) when she patently doesn’t want them around 100% of the time.

OP, you need to address this somehow. Remember, there is always a chance you’d end up with the SC 100% of the time, if something were to happen to their mum.

Regardless of what you do for the DC, I think not taking them to the park for an hour when you’re taking your own DC (and lying about it!) is just spiteful.

Womencanlift · 31/05/2022 08:01

SproutRUs · 31/05/2022 06:56

Thanks for the replies.

Those asking what I'd planned to do when my child got older, I hadn't thought that far ahead. I of course would never ask my child to lie. I guess I'd hope that my DSC would be older too and less likely to want to come everywhere with us.

Wow don’t you sound lovely 🙄

Sorry to say but you can’t just magic your DSC away so you can have the perfect nuclear family. If you wanted someone with no baggage then you shouldn’t have married someone with kids.

SproutRUs · 31/05/2022 08:02

Sorry to say but you can’t just magic your DSC away so you can have the perfect nuclear family.

I don't want to magic them away. All I want is to sometimes leave the house without them when they stay.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 31/05/2022 08:02

This is how I thought when I've done it. DSC don't know where I'm going do can't get upset about it and DH doesn't either so avoids the argument with him

hmm Im pretty sure it’s the same logic the people having affairs and hiding it from their partners/families go by. Out of sight, out of mind.

if you feel morally ok with it then so be it.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 31/05/2022 08:04

All I know is that sure as hell I’d be hurt if I’ve found out my DH did that

SproutRUs · 31/05/2022 08:04

You should either tell him straight and stand your ground; or just accept that on some days of the year, you won't be going out alone with your baby.

There are plenty days of the year I don't go out alone with DC. I'm talking once or twice during a school holiday, not every single day. And especially during the summer when they can be with us for weeks at a time and I'm guilted for wanting to go anywhere without them.

It's definitely a lazy way of getting what I want I agree with that. It's not the first thing that happened though, I have tried repeatedly to get DH to see it from my POV but he doesn't, I'm just made to feel guilty or wrong, he won't accept any compromise in this situation.

Wowwe · 31/05/2022 08:05

why did you get with a man that already had kids? I don’t understand? you knew what you was getting into but still continue to treat your poor dss this way. They probably really feel left out. I feel sorry for them.