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Original poster

To not stop doing jobs to have sex with my husband

260 replies

nirvanauk · 30/05/2022 16:01

We have 2 young DC, grandparents looked after them yesterday for a few hours so we had sex and went out for lunch.

The kids have been to their other grandparents this afternoon and I went to get my nails done. Came back at 3.15pm and DH had been back from work about 5 mins, we had an hour or so until he needed to pick the DC up.

DH asked me if I wanted to have sex, I said ’we only did it yesterday!’, he said ‘so?’. I replied that I had a load of jobs to do.

He was sat on the sofa and I went to sit down in the same room sorting some paperwork out. He looked at me and said ‘are you actually being serious? You’re going to do that now?’. I said ‘yes I’ve got loads to do’. He said ‘only because you’ve been sat for the last 2 hours doing nothing’.

I asked him whether he’d ever considered helping me out with my jobs. He said ’no, I’ve just considered being a husband to my wife’

At which point I started getting really annoyed and told him to stop guilt tripping me. I said it wasn’t fair and he was upsetting me.

He said that he had come back from work to spend some time with me before picking the kids up and he was upset that I didn’t want to have sex, and that I had to always make it about me by telling him he’d upset me by the way he spoke to me. He stormed out saying he would just go and get the DC

Who’s being unreasonable here?

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OP posts:
dementedpixie · 30/05/2022 16:03

He sounds like a sulky toddler

MolliciousIntent · 30/05/2022 16:03

He was a bit of a dick about it, and he should have been helping you with the jobs, but I do largely sympathise with your husband here - any childfree time is definitely automatically earmarked for sex in my house, even if we did it yesterday! You can do the jobs when the kids are home, you can't fuck your husband with them running about!

gamerchick · 30/05/2022 16:04

He is. You said no, he doesn't get to strop about it.

Why does spending time with you translate into sex anyway?

DisgruntledPelican · 30/05/2022 16:06

Firmly fence-sitting here. Storming out is ridiculous, but:

DH asked me if I wanted to have sex, I said ’we only did it yesterday!’, he said ‘so?’. I replied that I had a load of jobs to do.

I cringed at this. It’s like something from a Victoria Wood sketch.

I can’t remember the last time I was alone with DH in the house, there’s no housework that needs doing so badly that a shag would be put off for it.

Intransigentcat · 30/05/2022 16:07

He is. No means no.

FlippityFlapperty · 30/05/2022 16:08

Some men have very strange ideas about women. They think they can interrupt you right in the middle of a task without any preamble and expect all your clothes to fall off for them. Tell him that the only thing in your house he can expect to give him instant access when he grabs at them are the drawers and cupboards.

Noglassjustthebottleandastraw · 30/05/2022 16:08

To me it reads like you prioritised doing jobs over sex with your husband. Which of course is your choice. His reaction wasn't great though.

ErrolTheDragon · 30/05/2022 16:08

dementedpixie · 30/05/2022 16:03

He sounds like a sulky toddler

I read a thread last night about toddlers and small children who, having been allowed in the parents bed once as a treat, then expect that to now be the norm. This sounds rather similar.

ErrolTheDragon · 30/05/2022 16:10

Noglassjustthebottleandastraw · 30/05/2022 16:08

To me it reads like you prioritised doing jobs over sex with your husband. Which of course is your choice. His reaction wasn't great though.

Yes, it's her choice, you make it sound like a bad one.Confused I'm sure the OP wasn't choosing to do paperwork for fun.

TheVolturi · 30/05/2022 16:11

My goodness, any child free time in this house is automatically sex time, I'd drag dh upstairs if he didn't suggest it first.

Suprima · 30/05/2022 16:13

None of what you described would have stopped me having a good shag. I couldn’t imagine not feeling up for sex because I had ran too many errands that day, unless it was something extremely tiring like digging up the garden.

Is it good? Does he make you come? Is he concerned with your pleasure?

I would only feel that sex was a chore if there was nothing in it for me.

MintJulia · 30/05/2022 16:15

You could have split the paperwork between you and had a little bit of time together. Him expecting you to drop everything for a romp just because he comes home early is not fair.

My ex used to do that. He'd wake up two minutes early and think we had time for sex If I pointed out that the school bus still left at 7.50 he'd get all surly and flounce. 😟

FrankLampardsBrokenHand · 30/05/2022 16:15

I think you both are.

I'd be gutted if my DH would rather do admin than shag me tbh. Especially if it was a case of making the most of a limited opportunity. I get that you might not have wanted to, but christ you could have rebuffed his advances a bit more kindly.

AdoraBell · 30/05/2022 16:16

He is UN. You said no to sex. His reaction was unreasonable.

Maisa45 · 30/05/2022 16:17

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. I find my DH very very attractive and he's great in bed but I find it really hard to get in the mood because there's always a thousand things whirring round my head because there's always so much to do,. I'd envious of the posters that are so keen to have sex the moment their kids are out of the house.

Topgub · 30/05/2022 16:18

I'd rather have sex than do 'jobs

If you didn't want sex you should have just said no. You don't need to justify it.

If you wanted him to help you should have told him to help

He shouldn't strop cause he's not getting his own way

Being a husband to my wife? Bleuuurggh

Sleepytimebear · 30/05/2022 16:19

In my experience, these sort of men aren't prepared to take on any of the tasks even though if they did it would mean you had more time for sex and probably would feel more open to the idea because 1) you weren't carrying all the load feeling like a maid/ secretary and 2) you weren't distracted worrying about getting all your jobs done. It just smacks of male entitlement for me, the subtext being "she is withholding sex from me and I deserve it irrespective of how I behave. I could do things that would make her more amenable but won't because she's the problem, not me." But all that aside you can say no to sex for any reason and him punishing you for doing just that is coercion.

Wor · 30/05/2022 16:22

Sleepytimebear · 30/05/2022 16:19

In my experience, these sort of men aren't prepared to take on any of the tasks even though if they did it would mean you had more time for sex and probably would feel more open to the idea because 1) you weren't carrying all the load feeling like a maid/ secretary and 2) you weren't distracted worrying about getting all your jobs done. It just smacks of male entitlement for me, the subtext being "she is withholding sex from me and I deserve it irrespective of how I behave. I could do things that would make her more amenable but won't because she's the problem, not me." But all that aside you can say no to sex for any reason and him punishing you for doing just that is coercion.

This

takealettermsjones · 30/05/2022 16:24

I don't think any of it was handled particularly well but I can sort of see both sides.

There was nothing wrong with him asking you if you wanted sex, and I think "we only did it yesterday" is a strange response to that question. It makes it sound as though you thought that doing it yesterday got you "off the hook" for a few days, as though you'd paid your dues etc. I can imagine your husband feeling a bit hurt by that, as though sex with him is a chore to you rather than a pleasure.

But of course, if it is that, he hasn't communicated his hurt very well and he's coming across as sulky, which is obviously not going to suddenly make you want sex either!

Of course it's not okay for him to guilt trip you and the passive aggressive comment about "being a husband to [his] wife" would annoy me.

I think you should sit down and talk!

KILM · 30/05/2022 16:25

Agree with @Maisa45

You didnt want to have sex. You werent in the mood, and you had stuff you needed to get done, thats the end of it.

However, I think your wording of 'but we did it yesterday' might have hurt his feelings a bit as it sounds like you had ticked it off like a chore that you'd done and were confused as to why he'd want to do it again.
Doesnt excuse him sulking in the slightest as he could just communicate that your wording was hurtful, but i would have been hurt if you'd said it like that, like you'd emptied the bins or something.

40andlols · 30/05/2022 16:26

why did he ask you if you wanted sex? men can be so stupid. He could have come and helped you with a job then made a move (kissed you, smacked your bum or whatever) afterwards and probably have got a positive response.

i don't remember ever being turned on by someone saying "do you want sex" when i'm in the middle of something

Notaneffingcockerspaniel · 30/05/2022 16:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

SexyLittleNosferatu · 30/05/2022 16:29

So he doesn't "help" with stuff that needs doing, presumably because he sees that as your job? Yet you're expected to want to have sex with him despite this and if you don't then you get other women telling you that you're unreasonable. Riiiiiiiiight.

Mumoblue · 30/05/2022 16:29

He’s being unreasonable. You obviously weren’t in the mood anyway, and a bloke sulking about his knob is just about the most unattractive thing in the world. And also he never thought about offering to help with the stuff that needed doing anyway.

fridaRose · 30/05/2022 16:29

but i would have been hurt if you'd said it like that, like you'd emptied the bins or something.

Whatever this person said ☝🏻 *
*
I'd be gutted if my DH would rather do admin than shag me tbh.

And this one ☝🏻

Yikes OP, doesn't sound like you are sexually crazy about your partner? Nothing wrong with you feeling like that, but nothing wrong with him want to be sexually desired.

I want to be sexually desired by my partner.