To not stop doing jobs to have sex with my husband

[nirvanauk]

We have 2 young DC, grandparents looked after them yesterday for a few hours so we had sex and went out for lunch.

The kids have been to their other grandparents this afternoon and I went to get my nails done. Came back at 3.15pm and DH had been back from work about 5 mins, we had an hour or so until he needed to pick the DC up.

DH asked me if I wanted to have sex, I said ’we only did it yesterday!’, he said ‘so?’. I replied that I had a load of jobs to do.

He was sat on the sofa and I went to sit down in the same room sorting some paperwork out. He looked at me and said ‘are you actually being serious? You’re going to do that now?’. I said ‘yes I’ve got loads to do’. He said ‘only because you’ve been sat for the last 2 hours doing nothing’.

I asked him whether he’d ever considered helping me out with my jobs. He said ’no, I’ve just considered being a husband to my wife’

At which point I started getting really annoyed and told him to stop guilt tripping me. I said it wasn’t fair and he was upsetting me.

He said that he had come back from work to spend some time with me before picking the kids up and he was upset that I didn’t want to have sex, and that I had to always make it about me by telling him he’d upset me by the way he spoke to me. He stormed out saying he would just go and get the DC

Who’s being unreasonable here?

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Hardly, but the responses here are ridiculous. Do people really think ‘well I would want sex, so you’re being unreasonable not to’

‘Intimate time’ doesn’t always have to mean sex, why should it, and why do we have to be ‘up’ for it all the bloody time just because the opportunity presents itself?!

I wouldn’t have been arsed to do it then either if we’d done it the day before, let alone suddenly be in the mood when I’m trying to get shit done.

I don’t care if that makes me a ‘miserable’ wife or a ‘bad’ wife, fuck it. Sex is a privilege not a right, no one gets to sulk when I don’t want it.

@Topgub

id rather go and get my hair done or my nails done than have sex.

To me, those things are more relaxing, luxurious and self indulgent than sex

@LuckySantangelo35

No secret. Just a healthy sex life that is enjoyable for both

And yes, orgasm 99% of the time

'Sex' is more than PIV

Good for you, but I don't think op was asking that.

Just for a second take your husbands reaction out of this. It was petulant and unreasonable. I think everyone agrees if you say no, it means no. Also lets ignore the fact you think he should help out more. That really isnt a good place to discuss sexual relationships as some kind of bargaining tool for help around the house.

Now look at a few little things like you both seemed to enjoy the day before. Yes? You both made the most of the oppertunity and from his perspective he thinks he has been kind to you to arrange a second go. He is of course pleasing himself but its safe to assume he did have your pleasure in his thoughts too.

Maybe he has found it difficult for the two of you to have alone time recently and put too much effort into trying for round 2 but if he has genuinely felt like he made an effort and he is confused that you said no because you would prefer to do paperwork, well his response whilst childish, may come from a bit of frustration. The same frustration you feel about him helping out more.

I am guessing you enjoyed round 1 so why not initiate round 2 quite quickly and tell him that you dont mean to link your sex oppertunities with his lack of help around the house.

If he doesnt see how amazing you have been and start helping more around the house after that little lot, cut his knob off.

@LuckySantangelo35

I never get my nails done, hate the thought of it. Rarely get my hair done. Don't find it relaxing at all

I can understand your perspectives op, all the best

@Topgub

of course I get that it’s not just PIV. Even with other ways though I can still struggle or take ages. Much be so nice to almost be guaranteed an orgasm every time by whatever means.

Do you come every time? I never come through sex alone. I thought most women didn’t. If you do though, what is your secret?? Please share with me! 😬

Yes, but then sex for me is more than PIV. Luckily, partners feel the same. Secret? Unselfish sexual partners. Life is too short for bad sex. So, if OP's husband is shit at it, she has a point.

@Topgub

you hate the thought of it??! Hate is a strong word. why do you hate the thought of it out of interest?

it’s funny how we’re all different isn’t it 🤷‍♀️

@RosieTheHat

I already replied to the op

That reply was to someone else who said they'd rather to most other things than have sex

I don’t think you’re unreasonable.

If I’ve ear marked a certain time to a job, this is what helps me not to be over stressed, as I know what time is available. Someone trying to stop me using the time as planned would not be welcome.

Having sex two days in a row is fine if both parties want it, but obviously it’s never a given that one party can just snap their fingers and expect you to fall in line. “We only did it yesterday” was probably an unfortunate opening response, rather than just “oh I’ve got this to do in the time”, but sometimes unfortunate one liners happen.

@LuckySantangelo35

It honestly makes me want to boke.

The feeling of nails being filed. Shudder

Me neither. But it's of precisely no relevance to this thread. Neither is any detail of any other person's sex life.

@LuckySantangelo35

Its great.

Do you struggle on your own?

@ErrolTheDragon

well the OP’s sex life is of relevance surely? She’s started a thread about it

Sometimes. But not always.

I can't believe how many young adults don't want to have frequent sex with their partners. I met my wife (same sex relationship, no not a male sex pest here) when I was 53 and she was 49, no spring chickens and we didn't get out of bed for a year. Sex was always very important. Both both worked full time, busy lives, but still. Seems odd to me how many mnetters regard it as a chore

Blah blah blah I am more sexy than thou. Bully for you. Sometimes life shit needs to get done though.

I wouldn't want to have sex with a man who thinks time spent alone with me is worthless if we're not fucking.

On a side note, for those of you who are like ‘yeah, I’d want sex again! Rather do that on a child free day than anything else! etc etc’
why?
do you come every time? I never come through sex alone. I thought most women didn’t. If you do though, what is your secret?? Please share with me!

This is the sort of thing I'm talking about.

I had years of mediocre sex, maybe coming sometimes, mostly by myself. Didn't miss it when I had a good decade or more of not having any, and when I started dating again HOLY FUCK I happened across a man who was a generous lover and actually interested in my pleasure not just his. Total. Game. Changer. It revised my expectations totally: I come every time, at least once (and usually multiple times). Not just him - I've slept with 3 men since then and they've all actually been decent at it. Straight up penis in vagina sex doesn't get me there, but the inclusion of hands and mouths in the right places is an essential and non-negotiable part of sex as far as I'm concerned.

If I could convince all the women of mumsnet of one thing, it's this: You don't have to put up with bad sex. There are men - plenty of them - who give a shit about your pleasure. Who are turned on by turning you on. If yours thinks it's normal for him to orgasm and you not... get an upgrade.

DH asked me if I wanted to have sex
How seductive. What woman could resist?

He was sat on the sofa and I went to sit down in the same room sorting some paperwork out. He looked at me and said ‘are you actually being serious? You’re going to do that now?’. I said ‘yes I’ve got loads to do’. He said ‘only because you’ve been sat for the last 2 hours doing nothing’.

I asked him whether he’d ever considered helping me out with my jobs. He said ’no, I’ve just considered being a husband to my wife’
If he wants to be a husband to his wife, he can start by taking his share of the jobs.

At which point I started getting really annoyed and told him to stop guilt tripping me. I said it wasn’t fair and he was upsetting me.

He said that he had come back from work to spend some time with me before picking the kids up and he was upset that I didn’t want to have sex, and that I had to always make it about me by telling him he’d upset me by the way he spoke to me. He stormed out saying he would just go and get the DC
How dare he be "upset"!?
What about YOUR upset?
He's bullshitting - he didn't comehome to spend time with his wife - he came home because he wanted sex.
If he wanted to spend time with his wife he would have demionstrated that by being pleased to see you, by hugging you, by sharing the jobs, by making you a cup of tea, by chatting with you ... but as soon as you turned down his charmingly romantic suggestion of sex, he showed you exactly how much he desires the company of his wife.

Who’s being unreasonable here?
The fact that you have to ask tells me he is often immature, demanding & sulky.
He could have spent 20 minutes helping out, or chatting you up, instead of bluntly asking for sex the minute he got in. What is wrong with these men? Have they forgotten how to make themselves attractive to women?

Let me get this straight.
Because you & your H have an Automatic Sex Rule, OP ought to comply with her H's blunt request to shag her on demand ..?

Have you heard of consent?
Or even being treated like a person for 10 minutes before being propositioned?

You have a right to say no to sex but to reject your DH, in a rare childfree opportunity, in order to get paperwork done is a bit of a kick in the teeth.

But
I asked him whether he’d ever considered helping me out with my jobs. He said ’no, I’ve just considered being a husband to my wife’ this is also unreasonable. Helping you with jobs is part of his role as a husband. Right now it sounds like he is only interested in the 'roles' he wants to do.

It's obviously OK to say no to sex, but 'We only did it yesterday' and 'I've got jobs to do' feels like a bloody brutal rejection. If my DP implied that he thought sex was not only a chore, but also a chore that was less enjoyable than the other chores on his list, I would be incredibly hurt by that.

I think maybe you could have said something like: "Yesterday was amazing but I'm just not feeling at all sexy at the moment - sorry, maybe it's because we've got to collect the kids so soon and it's putting me off a bit! It was great yesterday though - how can we engineer a bit more time together like that? It's hard to get in the mood when we're surrounded by chores and stuff we need to do, isn't it? If we could make a joint effort to get more done, we could free up a bit more relaxation time for a good old shag now and again."

How gross that he thinks any spare time with you should be spent shagging.

Is that what he thinks a wife is?