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Original poster

To not stop doing jobs to have sex with my husband

260 replies

nirvanauk · 30/05/2022 16:01

We have 2 young DC, grandparents looked after them yesterday for a few hours so we had sex and went out for lunch.

The kids have been to their other grandparents this afternoon and I went to get my nails done. Came back at 3.15pm and DH had been back from work about 5 mins, we had an hour or so until he needed to pick the DC up.

DH asked me if I wanted to have sex, I said ’we only did it yesterday!’, he said ‘so?’. I replied that I had a load of jobs to do.

He was sat on the sofa and I went to sit down in the same room sorting some paperwork out. He looked at me and said ‘are you actually being serious? You’re going to do that now?’. I said ‘yes I’ve got loads to do’. He said ‘only because you’ve been sat for the last 2 hours doing nothing’.

I asked him whether he’d ever considered helping me out with my jobs. He said ’no, I’ve just considered being a husband to my wife’

At which point I started getting really annoyed and told him to stop guilt tripping me. I said it wasn’t fair and he was upsetting me.

He said that he had come back from work to spend some time with me before picking the kids up and he was upset that I didn’t want to have sex, and that I had to always make it about me by telling him he’d upset me by the way he spoke to me. He stormed out saying he would just go and get the DC

Who’s being unreasonable here?

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OP posts:
InChocolateWeTrust · 30/05/2022 17:57

Ok so I'm clearly missing the point here, but why do the grandparents have to remove the children from the house for you to manage a shag?

They are young kids, can you not just do it after they go to bed of an evening?

Natty13 · 30/05/2022 17:57

I struggle to believe OP's DH is very good or attentive in bed tbh. My DH won't come til after I have and I do think my friends who say they have "lower sex drives" are also the ones who also have partners who are selfish or crap in bed.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 30/05/2022 17:58

Not RTFT but I'm sure you'll get lots of responses saying "he's unreasonable, he shouldn't ever sulk because you don't want a shag". And that's true. BUT... Crikey, I'd be hurt if my partner blew me off like that when you're trying to rekindle the spark. That spark is so easily killed. So I think both of you were unreasonable.
Have a read of the SexlessMarriage Thread on Relationships to see where this could lead. And, more upsetting but very educational, the DeadBedrooms on Reddit . There you can read about "choreplay" - because one response to posts about someone not fancying sex is often "If he/she did more chores you might fancy sex more". But on that board there are comments from people who feel they're doing chores to try to earn their partner's affection, and it feels transactional. It's good to think these situations through from both perspectives.

Dahlietta · 30/05/2022 17:59

any childfree time is definitely automatically earmarked for sex in my house

Cup of tea in my house.

Vimto1991 · 30/05/2022 18:02

If OP doesn’t want sex she doesn’t have to force herself to appease her husband. Some of these comments… 🤯🤯

AlternativePerspective · 30/05/2022 18:04

Well, given that child free time equals time to have sex for the OP’s DH, I think that “we only did it yesterday” is in fact perfectly appropriate and indicates that it’s clear the only thing the OP’s DH is interested in is sex.

And “being a husband to my wife,”? WTf? Given he then stropped off I think that he needs to re-frame that as him expecting the OP to be a wife to her husband and to put out whenever he suggests it.

Very surprised at the amount of posters who seem to think that being a sex pest is perfectly acceptable, and that the OP was unreasonable for rejecting his demands.

Blarting · 30/05/2022 18:05

LadyGagagagaga · 30/05/2022 17:18

It's rather shocking to see so many women here siding with the man.

You are either all horny buggers, or are playing devil's advocate, or feel women are there to satisfy men's urges, regardless of their own emotions.

I have SO many friends who really are not that fussed about sex. Especially after 20+ years married.

(I know the OP isn't in that camp.)

It's 100% WRONG for either party to sulk if they suggest sex and the other one isn't in the mood.

It's also rather telling that everyone assumes the OP was doing household chores when she said she had jobs to do. I thought she may just have meant she had work to do for her career, as she said she got paperwork out. Women do work as well, these days.

He's being an arse and I'd not put up with a grown man sulking just because his he didn't get his end away the moment he wanted to.

I'm a horny buggar (not a dried up prune), so stop with the shit about women only doing sec to appease their DH, it's rubbish. Sone women actually enjoy sex above chores.

But then me and OH split chords evenly and not in charge of wife duties.

AlternativePerspective · 30/05/2022 18:05

And how depressing that marriage seems to be considered to consist of being with the children or having sex.

Nothing like being entitled to one’s own space is there…?

Blarting · 30/05/2022 18:06

AlternativePerspective · 30/05/2022 18:04

Well, given that child free time equals time to have sex for the OP’s DH, I think that “we only did it yesterday” is in fact perfectly appropriate and indicates that it’s clear the only thing the OP’s DH is interested in is sex.

And “being a husband to my wife,”? WTf? Given he then stropped off I think that he needs to re-frame that as him expecting the OP to be a wife to her husband and to put out whenever he suggests it.

Very surprised at the amount of posters who seem to think that being a sex pest is perfectly acceptable, and that the OP was unreasonable for rejecting his demands.

Sex pest for wanting sex two days in a row, whilst child free GrinGrin

Blarting · 30/05/2022 18:07

AlternativePerspective · 30/05/2022 18:05

And how depressing that marriage seems to be considered to consist of being with the children or having sex.

Nothing like being entitled to one’s own space is there…?

Nothing wrong with that, but shagging is 100% better. IMO!

InChocolateWeTrust · 30/05/2022 18:07

Vimto1991 you are missing what people are saying.

They are saying that for some people, choosing admin over an (apparently) rare opportunity for sex with a spouse you love, can be indicative of a bigger issue.

Yes OP's DH reacted badly. But OPs reaction could easily be perceived as her treating sex with her husband as an exasperating chore to be ticked off.

Both sides need to communicate more.

AlternativePerspective · 30/05/2022 18:08

Sex pest for wanting sex two days in a row, whilst child free

no, sex pest for thinking that child free time equals having sex. For thinking that coming home to spend time with the OP equals having sex. To think that being a husband to his wife equals having sex.

AlternativePerspective · 30/05/2022 18:10

Nothing wrong with that, but shagging is 100% better. IMO! the clue here is in the word “IMO”. So you want to have sex at every opportunity. Good for you. Fact is, not everyone does. And not every woman wants to be considered to be there for their husband’s constant gratification and nothing else.

Junipercrumble · 30/05/2022 18:10

AlternativePerspective · 30/05/2022 18:05

And how depressing that marriage seems to be considered to consist of being with the children or having sex.

Nothing like being entitled to one’s own space is there…?

I completely agree.

Blarting · 30/05/2022 18:11

AlternativePerspective · 30/05/2022 18:08

Sex pest for wanting sex two days in a row, whilst child free

no, sex pest for thinking that child free time equals having sex. For thinking that coming home to spend time with the OP equals having sex. To think that being a husband to his wife equals having sex.

But why wouldn't he expect a good shag whilst the children are away, above paperwork?

C'mon paperwork does t need to be done without children in the house, neither does sex, but if no children are in the house you can be a lot more relaxed.

Sleepytimebear · 30/05/2022 18:13

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/05/2022 17:11

On the fence with this one.

Absolutely he shouldn't be pressuring you to have sex or grumping about being rejected.

But you chose to get your nails done in the morning and do jobs in the afternoon. If youd wanted to spend any sort of quality child free time with your husband (not just sex) you could have done jobs in the morning and had some free time with him in the afternoon. So in his position I'd have been a bit hurt that you effectively chose to do jobs in the only child free time in the day that could have been spent with him

I might have got the wrong end of the stick but I thought OP was at home and had planned her day, the husband came home unexpectedly early from work so it's not like they had planned to have a day together, she planned a day alone because he was at work. But even if I'm wrong, she's allowed to plan her day however she wants, she doesn't have to plan it around her husband's potential plans for sex.

Blarting · 30/05/2022 18:13

AlternativePerspective · 30/05/2022 18:10

Nothing wrong with that, but shagging is 100% better. IMO! the clue here is in the word “IMO”. So you want to have sex at every opportunity. Good for you. Fact is, not everyone does. And not every woman wants to be considered to be there for their husband’s constant gratification and nothing else.

I'm not there for my husband's gratification, so poss off with that shit! I do enjoy sec though, so that's ok? I don't understand OP? I'm allowed to say that?

JudgeJ · 30/05/2022 18:13

FrankLampardsBrokenHand · 30/05/2022 16:15

I think you both are.

I'd be gutted if my DH would rather do admin than shag me tbh. Especially if it was a case of making the most of a limited opportunity. I get that you might not have wanted to, but christ you could have rebuffed his advances a bit more kindly.

I would be willing to bet that if the roles were reversed, he would rather clean the car, cut the grass etc. the reactions would be different!

AlternativePerspective · 30/05/2022 18:14

But why wouldn't he expect a good shag whilst the children are away, above paperwork? why should the OP be expected to put out just because her husband expects it?

LadyGagagagaga · 30/05/2022 18:14

@Blarting So in your world, there are only two sorts of women.

You- who loves sex- and dried up prunes.

So according to your wisdom, any woman who doesn't want sex at the same time as her partner, is a dried up prune.

You need to grow up and understand that sex drives vary. Woman can actually be young and juicy, and still not want sex the moment it's demanded.

With women like you around, who needs enemies?

You also need to learn to spell bugger. 😂

Blarting · 30/05/2022 18:15

AlternativePerspective · 30/05/2022 18:14

But why wouldn't he expect a good shag whilst the children are away, above paperwork? why should the OP be expected to put out just because her husband expects it?

Dunno, just what married couples that are sexually attracted to each other do?

Blarting · 30/05/2022 18:15

LadyGagagagaga · 30/05/2022 18:14

@Blarting So in your world, there are only two sorts of women.

You- who loves sex- and dried up prunes.

So according to your wisdom, any woman who doesn't want sex at the same time as her partner, is a dried up prune.

You need to grow up and understand that sex drives vary. Woman can actually be young and juicy, and still not want sex the moment it's demanded.

With women like you around, who needs enemies?

You also need to learn to spell bugger. 😂

Auto correct for buggar!

Is that ok?

AlternativePerspective · 30/05/2022 18:17

Dunno, just what married couples that are sexually attracted to each other do? erm no I think there is far more to marriage than just having children and having sex.

Obviously there’s a time and a place for having sex in a marriage, but child free time should never be assumed to be sex time.

If that’s the way you want to live your life then crack on. But don’t judge other women by your standards.

LadyGagagagaga · 30/05/2022 18:18

I do fear for you @Blarting as you seem to have a very narrow idea of what married couples do.

FWIW I know of 3 married couples ( 30 years and more) who are in sexless marriages. (not me before you start on that tack.) Shock! Horror! You'd better go and lie down as you will be in shock.

Mostly the women have gone off it and the men aren't that fussed.

So go and stuff your silly attitudes based on what seems like a very narrow experience of life.

AlternativePerspective · 30/05/2022 18:19

LadyGagagagaga · 30/05/2022 18:18

I do fear for you @Blarting as you seem to have a very narrow idea of what married couples do.

FWIW I know of 3 married couples ( 30 years and more) who are in sexless marriages. (not me before you start on that tack.) Shock! Horror! You'd better go and lie down as you will be in shock.

Mostly the women have gone off it and the men aren't that fussed.

So go and stuff your silly attitudes based on what seems like a very narrow experience of life.

IME the marriages/relationships which re purely based on the physical lack long-term substance and rarely last.

If all a couple has in common is sex and the kids then when the kids leave home all they have left is sex. And that just isn’t sustainable.