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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not stop doing jobs to have sex with my husband

260 replies

nirvanauk · 30/05/2022 16:01

We have 2 young DC, grandparents looked after them yesterday for a few hours so we had sex and went out for lunch.

The kids have been to their other grandparents this afternoon and I went to get my nails done. Came back at 3.15pm and DH had been back from work about 5 mins, we had an hour or so until he needed to pick the DC up.

DH asked me if I wanted to have sex, I said ’we only did it yesterday!’, he said ‘so?’. I replied that I had a load of jobs to do.

He was sat on the sofa and I went to sit down in the same room sorting some paperwork out. He looked at me and said ‘are you actually being serious? You’re going to do that now?’. I said ‘yes I’ve got loads to do’. He said ‘only because you’ve been sat for the last 2 hours doing nothing’.

I asked him whether he’d ever considered helping me out with my jobs. He said ’no, I’ve just considered being a husband to my wife’

At which point I started getting really annoyed and told him to stop guilt tripping me. I said it wasn’t fair and he was upsetting me.

He said that he had come back from work to spend some time with me before picking the kids up and he was upset that I didn’t want to have sex, and that I had to always make it about me by telling him he’d upset me by the way he spoke to me. He stormed out saying he would just go and get the DC

Who’s being unreasonable here?

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OP posts:
ventreàterre · 30/05/2022 17:29

His unwillingness to help with jobs around the house would be enough of a turn-off to ensure I never wanted sex with him, tbh. That needs to be dealt with, at a less charged moment. It wouldn't hurt to tell him that you find it difficult to get into the right frame of mind for sex because you're stressed. You'd be less stressed and feel more valued if he lightened the load by pitching in.

I'd hate to feel that every time the kids were out of the house, I was expected to be ready for sex. Sometimes you don't want to, and there's nothing wrong with that. The presumption, the sense of entitlement, and the sulking if he doesn't get his way are all huge turn-offs. Not remotely seductive.

The two of you need to find ways to have sex even with the kids at home so there's less pressure to "perform" on rare occasions when they're out of the house. Put a lock on the bedroom door. Put on some music to mask sounds. There's no reason you can't have sex every night of the week, if you want to.

LTB99withabunfightandamagicalchicken · 30/05/2022 17:29

balalake · 30/05/2022 17:25

An hour? Nowhere near long enough.

In any case, no is enough of an answer, and sulking makes him less attractive.

Plenty of time for a quicky up against the fridge

hifiive · 30/05/2022 17:30

Eeebleeb · 30/05/2022 16:59

I can't believe how many young adults don't want to have frequent sex with their partners. I met my wife (same sex relationship, no not a male sex pest here) when I was 53 and she was 49, no spring chickens and we didn't get out of bed for a year. Sex was always very important. Both both worked full time, busy lives, but still. Seems odd to me how many mnetters regard it as a chore

Blah blah blah I am more sexy than thou. Bully for you. Sometimes life shit needs to get done though.

I wouldn't want to have sex with a man who thinks time spent alone with me is worthless if we're not fucking.

Erm, op was doing errands. I'm not surprised he want Jack g the time of his life! I'm firmly on the side of 'childfree days are for couple time'. It's a rare thing, I would not be pleased if my OH got out paperwork, regardless of if there was any sex involved.

Darkstar4855 · 30/05/2022 17:31

YANBU to not want sex but you could have been a little bit less harsh in your rejection.

His reaction was totally unreasonable though.

Blarting · 30/05/2022 17:33

No issue with you saying no, but "we only did it yesterday", so what? It's like you're only having sex to please him, which is totally wrong. But if I want sex? It doesn't matter wether the last session was an hour ago or three weeks, I just want sex with my partner.

hifiive · 30/05/2022 17:34

It's 100% WRONG for either party to sulk if they suggest sex and the other one isn't in the mood.

Unpopular opinion, but depending on how the offer was turned down, it's not suppressing the other party would sulk. Or maybe not sulk but be upset. You don't have to be beaming with energy after being rejected, it can hurt. Even though op and her DH just had sex, I'd be upset if it was just a chore ticked off the list too.

LadyGagagagaga · 30/05/2022 17:35

No not sadness just a healthy relationship that's still a priority. Me and dh have been together since we were teens, now mid 40s and still at it like rabbits when we can. We even book a hotel for 2 nights every few months just to have loads of sex morning, noon and night
I would hate to be in a drudgery

@Noglassjustthebottleandastraw Wow bully for you! You do realise that not all couples are like you? I'm not sure I even believe it all. Why book a hotel when you have a home???/

And get over yourself for suggesting that couples who may not have a lot of sex (compared to you) are not in a healthy relationship.

Some couples have sex once day (or more) others once a month or less.

It's not you role to say those having less have an unhealthy relationship.

Some couples find illness a barrier to sex, at some point in their lives. There are other ways of being close and having a healthy relationship.

Nidan2Sandan · 30/05/2022 17:39

I have to be in the mood for sex, and I'm definitely not in the mood when I know I have tasks to do and my husband suggests sex and then sulks when I point out I'm busy.

You're grown adults and there is more to life than sex, and maybe, if he had said he'll jump in & sort the paperwork with you, maybe you'd be more up for a frenzied, fun quickie in the short time you had than a "fulfill your wifely duty" service.

For the record, I love sex with DH. But if I've got shit to be getting on with in the day time then sex has to wait. Because that life admin wont do itself and maybe he should consider taking his fair share and freeing up my time for sex 😁

Justkidding55 · 30/05/2022 17:40

Skinnermarink · 30/05/2022 17:21

Honestly these responses!

some of these posters are soooo desperate to be in the ‘cool wives’ club, it’s sad.

No need for that. You sound really bitter. We were asked a question and we answered. It’s nothing about being cool- it’s anonymous and very little to be gained in lying. Some of us really like sex? And that’s ok. Also I’m far from cool..

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 30/05/2022 17:40

Imagine the throes of love in the early stages.
Fancy coming around.
Erm nope, I'm doing my admin.😂

The relationship would never progress.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/05/2022 17:41

All those that would see it as a “rejection” if your partner didn’t want sex…are you really that sensitive and highly strung?!

Topgub · 30/05/2022 17:42

@KettrickenSmiled

Depends how you look at it.

He (obviously) thought she wanted sex like he did

IncompleteSenten · 30/05/2022 17:42

"no, I’ve just considered being a husband to my wife" = by not dropping everything and having sex on demand, you are not being a wife to me.
🙄

MsEverywhere · 30/05/2022 17:44

YANBU as he made it clear with his ‘ husband to my wife comment’ that he sees the role of a husband as being to get laid not to share the household labor equally.

Plus, if you don’t like having sex with him two days in a row, I am betting that is because he is shit in bed.

CapMarvel · 30/05/2022 17:44

People saying that they would rather have sex in this situation are entirely missing the point.

Everyone has the right to say no for whatever reason without being subject to guilt-tripping or (much worse, obviously) coercion. If OP didn't fancy sex then that is the end of it.

Iloveychildrenandmydoggie · 30/05/2022 17:46

SexyLittleNosferatu · 30/05/2022 16:29

So he doesn't "help" with stuff that needs doing, presumably because he sees that as your job? Yet you're expected to want to have sex with him despite this and if you don't then you get other women telling you that you're unreasonable. Riiiiiiiiight.

This

CapMarvel · 30/05/2022 17:46

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 30/05/2022 17:40

Imagine the throes of love in the early stages.
Fancy coming around.
Erm nope, I'm doing my admin.😂

The relationship would never progress.

Imagine the throes of love in the early stages.
Fancy coming around.
Erm no, I've got x/y/z to do.
Sure, that's fine, another time?

Is how that goes in adultland.

Georgyporky · 30/05/2022 17:48

"Tell him that the only thing in your house he can expect to give him instant access when he grabs at them are the drawers and cupboards."

Had a good snigger at this !

Noglassjustthebottleandastraw · 30/05/2022 17:49

@LadyGagagagaga jezzoooo hit a nerve did I? Why so much anger?

Please read my post again, it was written about my life in relation to another poster who was saying we were cool wives club!

I am so aware other people have different ways of living. Hence why I said each to there own! You have totally misjudged my post and made huge leap assumptions.

AWOL66 · 30/05/2022 17:50

Staynow · 30/05/2022 16:52

So spending time with you only equates to sex. Grim.

You don't want sex everyday (which I assume is what you meant by 'we only did it yesterday'), whereas he wants sex any time he can get it. The people saying YABU obviously have a higher sex drive than you and can't possibly imagine someone not wanting sex just because they have other stuff that needs doing.

Hubby is taking the fun out of sex and making it a chore by wanting it at every opportunity while not really caring if you want it or not - what are you, his wank sock? He's then becoming a very unsexy man child by storming around when he doesn't get what he wants because you're busy doing other stuff and not giving him the attention he thinks he is entitled to. He then tries to make you feel guilty over this because you're making it all about you when, don't you know, it should be all about him.

I'm not sure why people think you should be grateful he came home from work so he could fit in a quick shag that you didn't want. I'm also amazed that people who want sex all the time can't understand that some other people don't want sex all the time.

This! And it doesn't mean you don't know what good sex is just because you're not desperate to have sex at every opportunity. l've known loads of people over the years who I know have had quite wild pasts but are still completely happy single. It doesn't make everyone sound very deep or particularly bright on here to be honest.

greatblueheron · 30/05/2022 17:51

Sounds like he's not pulling his weight at home, but happy to skip out of work if he thinks he can have sex when you're doing everything he doesn't help with.

Tell him his behaviour is deeply unattractive.

grapewines · 30/05/2022 17:52

We were asked a question and we answered. It’s nothing about being cool- it’s anonymous and very little to be gained in lying. Some of us really like sex? And that’s ok. Also I’m far from cool

Agree with this.

Readtheroom · 30/05/2022 17:53

Is there a backstory

2bazookas · 30/05/2022 17:55

Tell him that there are other ways to spend time with his wife, than having sex.

MountainClimber22 · 30/05/2022 17:56

He is very unreasonable.