To not stop doing jobs to have sex with my husband

[nirvanauk]

We have 2 young DC, grandparents looked after them yesterday for a few hours so we had sex and went out for lunch.

The kids have been to their other grandparents this afternoon and I went to get my nails done. Came back at 3.15pm and DH had been back from work about 5 mins, we had an hour or so until he needed to pick the DC up.

DH asked me if I wanted to have sex, I said ’we only did it yesterday!’, he said ‘so?’. I replied that I had a load of jobs to do.

He was sat on the sofa and I went to sit down in the same room sorting some paperwork out. He looked at me and said ‘are you actually being serious? You’re going to do that now?’. I said ‘yes I’ve got loads to do’. He said ‘only because you’ve been sat for the last 2 hours doing nothing’.

I asked him whether he’d ever considered helping me out with my jobs. He said ’no, I’ve just considered being a husband to my wife’

At which point I started getting really annoyed and told him to stop guilt tripping me. I said it wasn’t fair and he was upsetting me.

He said that he had come back from work to spend some time with me before picking the kids up and he was upset that I didn’t want to have sex, and that I had to always make it about me by telling him he’d upset me by the way he spoke to me. He stormed out saying he would just go and get the DC

Who’s being unreasonable here?

---

If you've found this page in your search of affordable sex toys and essentials that have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best cheap sex toys useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

This is just awful in so many ways.

I don't get why men (unless they are 16) think that women just want sex with them the minute they ask.

Maybe I have a low libido, but I haven't wanted sex on demand the moment the house was empty since I was dating in my teens, living at home, and sex was then 'forbidden fruit' as far as my parents were concerned.

As an adult, in a long term relationship, I'd have to feel in the mood , cherished and with some kind of rapport going on, not just a man waving his dick at me and saying' C'mon love, let's get going with this.'

Because that is pretty much what he did.

He needs to grow up. Why can't you have sex at other times anyway? Your kids are young enough to be in bed, asleep, long before you are.

You have every right to only have sex when you feel like it, not when your DH demands it.

I get that you might not have wanted to, but christ you could have rebuffed his advances a bit more kindly.

I get that he wanted to, but christ he could have propositioned his wife a bit more kindly @FrankLampardsBrokenHand

I'm not sure I agree with the whole chatted up and seduced thing.

Youre either up for sex or you're not.

Saying you would be if your oh talked you into it doesn't sound right

Urgh. That would put me right off.

If there are better things to do than having sex, fair enough, but I can see why your DH might be offended.
In reality if you were having mind blowing sex you'd probably take up the offer.

On a side note, I wish I knew what mind blowing sex felt like.

lets ignore the fact you think he should help out more. That really isnt a good place to discuss sexual relationships as some kind of bargaining tool for help around the house.

But it can't be ignored, it's an integral part of this. Women tend to feel more sexy and more like having sex when they feel well supported in a relationship, and they're not carrying the entire mental load of the family by themselves. It's not a bargaining tool to say you don't feel like sex because your partner thinks that being a good husband is all about the D and not about sharing the load on the boring routine time consuming stuff too.

Now look at a few little things like you both seemed to enjoy the day before. Yes? You both made the most of the oppertunity and from his perspective he thinks he has been kind to you to arrange a second go. He is of course pleasing himself but its safe to assume he did have your pleasure in his thoughts too

This doesn't necessarily follow. Some quite a lot of men are pretty selfish and shit lovers who take their own orgasm for granted and view their partner's orgasm as none of their business.

If you want to be sexually desired, don't come in & demand instant sex while your partner is doing all the domestic drudge that you won't bother with.

I dunno, I can see both points of view. I don’t think he was particularly alluring in his proposition but i’d also be a bit sad about being turned down for sex in favour of paperwork, gotta say.

On the fence with this one.

Absolutely he shouldn't be pressuring you to have sex or grumping about being rejected.

But you chose to get your nails done in the morning and do jobs in the afternoon. If youd wanted to spend any sort of quality child free time with your husband (not just sex) you could have done jobs in the morning and had some free time with him in the afternoon. So in his position I'd have been a bit hurt that you effectively chose to do jobs in the only child free time in the day that could have been spent with him

Even if I had the sexiest man alive in front of me, I wouldn't just drop my knickers and climb on (unless I'd had a few drinks maybe).

I'd need a bit of warming up first.
Hat off to you if you can, though.

@LuckySantangelo35 i always want sex and always enjoy it- maybe not come every time but I still enjoy it. I love the closeness plus I’m pretty clear about what I like and nothing is ever off limits. I joke that I love him so much that if I could get any closer I’d be inside him and I suppose sex is the closest thing to that.

@Disneyblueeyes

By warming up do you mean foreplay? Cause that's part of sex to me.

But yeah, if dh says fancy a shag, if I fancy it we do.

No seduction or romancing required

It's rather shocking to see so many women here siding with the man.

You are either all horny buggers, or are playing devil's advocate, or feel women are there to satisfy men's urges, regardless of their own emotions.

I have SO many friends who really are not that fussed about sex. Especially after 20+ years married.

(I know the OP isn't in that camp.)

It's 100% WRONG for either party to sulk if they suggest sex and the other one isn't in the mood.

It's also rather telling that everyone assumes the OP was doing household chores when she said she had jobs to do. I thought she may just have meant she had work to do for her career, as she said she got paperwork out. Women do work as well, these days.

He's being an arse and I'd not put up with a grown man sulking just because his he didn't get his end away the moment he wanted to.

@IAmAWomanNotACis

Well, i mean we have decent sex. In the sense that I couldn’t describe him as selfish, he does care about my pleasure and will go down on me and use his hands etc. But he doesn’t make me come. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s us together. Though that said I’ve never had really mind blowing sex with anyone. So who knows 🤷‍♀️

love your username btw

Honestly these responses!

some of these posters are soooo desperate to be in the ‘cool wives’ club, it’s sad.

@LadyGagagagaga

No one has said she should though. Everyone has said she downstairs need a reason to say no.

Have you never felt rejected and been a bit upset by it?

• doesn't

Not downstairs

Who made you the authority on what is "right" sexually for other people?

Youre either up for sex or you're not.
Bullshit. YOU are either up for sex or you're not. Bully for you.

Other people are not you, & have a more nuanced experience.

@Skinnermarink

So any woman who enjoys sex is lying to pretend to be a 'cool wife'

🙄

@KettrickenSmiled

I'd rather my sexual needs be based on what I wanted than how good my oh was at talking me into it

But hey, whatever works for you

An hour? Nowhere near long enough.

In any case, no is enough of an answer, and sulking makes him less attractive.

If OP's husband is not going to help with chores, then sex with him is also going to have to be scheduled because sex will just be yet another chore for OP.

Nothing kills passion more than a lazy spouse.

OP's DH wasn't bothered about what she wanted though was he?

No not sadness just a healthy relationship that's still a priority. Me and dh have been together since we were teens, now mid 40s and still at it like rabbits when we can. We even book a hotel for 2 nights every few months just to have loads of sex morning, noon and night.

I would hate to be in a drudgery relationship where everything else came first. Each to there own I suppose.

I would definitely take the opportunity to get life admin done on a child free day. What tends to happen is that DH joins in doing the chores with me, we put some music on, crack on with it, have a giggle, maybe a quick dance if we're doing the washing up, the chores get done in half the time and we then have time to chill with each other afterwards, which sometimes turns into sex.

I get the impression from the OP that her DH doesn't help with any of the chores so it grates a little bit that he expects her to drop her workload when he says so when she knows full well all the chores will still be solely up to her afterwards only she'll now have less time to do them. I should think she ends up feeling that sex is another chore. I also note his comment about her "sitting around for two hours" when she was spending some time on herself. Gives the impression he only allows her to value child free time when he is getting something out of it.