To not stop doing jobs to have sex with my husband

[nirvanauk]

We have 2 young DC, grandparents looked after them yesterday for a few hours so we had sex and went out for lunch.

The kids have been to their other grandparents this afternoon and I went to get my nails done. Came back at 3.15pm and DH had been back from work about 5 mins, we had an hour or so until he needed to pick the DC up.

DH asked me if I wanted to have sex, I said ’we only did it yesterday!’, he said ‘so?’. I replied that I had a load of jobs to do.

He was sat on the sofa and I went to sit down in the same room sorting some paperwork out. He looked at me and said ‘are you actually being serious? You’re going to do that now?’. I said ‘yes I’ve got loads to do’. He said ‘only because you’ve been sat for the last 2 hours doing nothing’.

I asked him whether he’d ever considered helping me out with my jobs. He said ’no, I’ve just considered being a husband to my wife’

At which point I started getting really annoyed and told him to stop guilt tripping me. I said it wasn’t fair and he was upsetting me.

He said that he had come back from work to spend some time with me before picking the kids up and he was upset that I didn’t want to have sex, and that I had to always make it about me by telling him he’d upset me by the way he spoke to me. He stormed out saying he would just go and get the DC

Who’s being unreasonable here?

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I don’t think YABU at all - some stuff does need doing.

He suggested fun. You chose chores.
Yabu.

Didn't mean to make it sound bad. It's also the husband's choice to ask for sex, nothing wrong with that. Personally if my marriage ended up with paperwork over sex/spending time with my husband then that's the day I would know my marriage was over.

Sex isn’t necessarily fun for both parties.

And sometimes with the best will in the world, stuff needs to get done.

Both being unreasonable but I’m on his side in this. You could have done the jobs before or after.. therefore sounds like a rubbish excuse, and you made it seem like sex is a chore which sort of explains his storming out.

There's such a thing as being in the mood for some bedroom activity. Someone telling me it's expected when I'm engrossed in something else is a mood killer.

Sounds like he doesn't give you a particularly good time, anyway OP. PPs are saying they'd drop it all for a shag in those child free moments. This doesn't sound like your situation as you imply that doing it yesterday means no need today. I suspect your DH needs to up his game a bit with technique and approach. Taking some of the domestic load off your shoulders too would help in every aspect of your relationship.

I can't believe how many young adults don't want to have frequent sex with their partners. I met my wife (same sex relationship, no not a male sex pest here) when I was 53 and she was 49, no spring chickens and we didn't get out of bed for a year. Sex was always very important. Both both worked full time, busy lives, but still. Seems odd to me how many mnetters regard it as a chore

@takealettermsjones this. All of this.

I think you need to be really honest. So do you want to have sex?
No.
no, I'm not in the mood
No, I don't have time
No, I don't have the headspace.
No,I don't want to.

You don't need to give a reason if you don't want to but "we only did it yesterday" is a response that invites a lot of interpretation and inference.

@Joystir59 you know little children can really be a bit of a mood killer. You don’t say whether you have children or not but you can surely see this

Whenever I have a rare child free day I have to do housework, I try to do things like get my legs waxed, hair done, might meet a friend for coffee, watch a film uninterrupted.

Sex isn’t everything, people.

Exactly this. I wish men were better at even the mildest level of seduction.

So him wanting to spend time with you is actually wanting sex, not doing anything else together. It sounds sex pest behaviour to me.

You both sound miserable TBH.

It's quite a rejection to get told your partner would rather do housework than take a rare opportunity, especially if they did have an opportunity to do the jobs earlier and prioritised something else. Did you?

OTOH you are allowed to say no, for whatever reason you choose or none. He's allowed to be upset about that, but not to start insulting you or sulking.

@Blueberrywitch

You mean 'get your knickers off' and 'fancy a shag' aren't the devastating come ons my oh thinks they are?!

😆😆

You prioritised admin over intimate time with your husband, I see where he's coming from. It's just a communication issue. Why don't you speak about what happened and how you can make time for each other around other stuff so you're closer to being on the same page next time around?

@Grasscrowns

I'd much rather have sex than any of that!

All of this.

he’d ever considered helping me out with my jobs
Why are they 'my' jobs and not 'our' jobs?

“He said ’no, I’ve just considered being a husband to my wife’”

Eww. What exactly did he mean by that?
That comment alone would get my fanny closing up alone and get me cracking on with the car insurance.

Right, but you do understand we are all different?

It’s never unreasonable to say no to sex if you don’t want to have sex. It’s always unreasonable to throw a strop if your partner says no to sex.

@Grasscrowns

Yes.

You seemed to be implying everyone was like you?

On a side note, for those of you who are like ‘yeah, I’d want sex again! Rather do that on a child free day than anything else! etc etc’

why?

do you come every time? I never come through sex alone. I thought most women didn’t. If you do though, what is your secret?? Please share with me! 😬

I can't believe how many young adults don't want to have frequent sex with their partners. I met my wife (same sex relationship, no not a male sex pest here) when I was 53 and she was 49, no spring chickens and we didn't get out of bed for a year. Sex was always very important. Both both worked full time, busy lives, but still. Seems odd to me how many mnetters regard it as a chore

Maybe he's shit at sex. Lots of women put up with bad sex because they haven't experienced better.

Maybe she's not turned on by "fancy a shag" when she's yet again carrying all the mental load of running a household, and he thinks that to play his part is to wave his dick around sometimes. It wouldn't do anything for me either.

So spending time with you only equates to sex. Grim.

You don't want sex everyday (which I assume is what you meant by 'we only did it yesterday'), whereas he wants sex any time he can get it. The people saying YABU obviously have a higher sex drive than you and can't possibly imagine someone not wanting sex just because they have other stuff that needs doing.

Hubby is taking the fun out of sex and making it a chore by wanting it at every opportunity while not really caring if you want it or not - what are you, his wank sock? He's then becoming a very unsexy man child by storming around when he doesn't get what he wants because you're busy doing other stuff and not giving him the attention he thinks he is entitled to. He then tries to make you feel guilty over this because you're making it all about you when, don't you know, it should be all about him.

I'm not sure why people think you should be grateful he came home from work so he could fit in a quick shag that you didn't want. I'm also amazed that people who want sex all the time can't understand that some other people don't want sex all the time.

Of course your Husband has the right to ask you for sex, but you also have the right to expect help around the house. It doesn't sound like he is pulling his weight if the only 'Husband' duties he considers is having sex with his wife.
I think with this attitude, I would rather be doing admin too.