To not stop doing jobs to have sex with my husband

[nirvanauk]

We have 2 young DC, grandparents looked after them yesterday for a few hours so we had sex and went out for lunch.

The kids have been to their other grandparents this afternoon and I went to get my nails done. Came back at 3.15pm and DH had been back from work about 5 mins, we had an hour or so until he needed to pick the DC up.

DH asked me if I wanted to have sex, I said ’we only did it yesterday!’, he said ‘so?’. I replied that I had a load of jobs to do.

He was sat on the sofa and I went to sit down in the same room sorting some paperwork out. He looked at me and said ‘are you actually being serious? You’re going to do that now?’. I said ‘yes I’ve got loads to do’. He said ‘only because you’ve been sat for the last 2 hours doing nothing’.

I asked him whether he’d ever considered helping me out with my jobs. He said ’no, I’ve just considered being a husband to my wife’

At which point I started getting really annoyed and told him to stop guilt tripping me. I said it wasn’t fair and he was upsetting me.

He said that he had come back from work to spend some time with me before picking the kids up and he was upset that I didn’t want to have sex, and that I had to always make it about me by telling him he’d upset me by the way he spoke to me. He stormed out saying he would just go and get the DC

Who’s being unreasonable here?

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You can, but if you make a lot of noise or your kids cosleep or wake a lot it can be difficult and stressful. If your kids sleep soundly in their own rooms it’s not so much of an issue, though I’ve seen MN posts decrying the idea of sex when there is anyone else in the house at all.

We're lucky our DD sleeps through any 'noise', and yes there can be alot of it.
She's only next door as well.

YANBU, obviously.
Your husband is BU.
And really gross.

I’m really dissapointed by most of the comments.
I hope they mostly kids and men trolling.
Because yikes.

No wonder rape culture is alive and well.

@NumberTheory

“though I’ve seen MN posts decrying the idea of sex when there is anyone else in the house at all”.

thats so ridiculous and makes you understand why divorce is so prevalent!

I haven't read that anywhere. No one had advocated her husband getting sex whenever he wants it.

i dont think either I’d you were being reasonable, your wording was awful however he also needed to read the room and not put it out there.

communication is key in any relationship and you both seem lacking in this area.

I think you have completely misinterpreted the responses. No one is advocating that the husband gets his own way. What is gross about wanting sex with your partner?

What is gross about wanting sex with your partner?

@LimpBiskit Nothing in principle, but it's not ok to strop around and try and manipulate someone if you don't get it exactly when you wanted because they're not feeling up for it.

I would just like you all to k is that thread is going to be the reason for my DD's therapy in years to come. I was talking to DH about this thread just this morning then DD and DS announced they were headed out to the park. Said goodbye, heard the door close, assumed they'd gone and jokingly yelled through to DH... "right, kids are gone, time to go and have sex. Chop chop. No chores, sex time".

Turns out DD hadn't left let. She's stood on the stairs going "ewwwww, you know I'm standing just here right?!?"

"Just like you all to know"**

You’ve obviously not read the full thread, or you’re just as disgusting as these PP’s. If you don’t understand what’s wrong with these PP’s then there’s something very wrong with you.

These posts are extremely damaging and are trying to guilt trip the OP into having sex with her husband, and trying to make her feel bad for saying no.

1. He suggested fun. You chose chores. Yabu.
2. Both being unreasonable but I’m on his side in this. You could have done the jobs before or after..
3. I can't believe how many young adults don't want to have frequent sex with their partners.
4. My goodness, any child free time in this house is automatically sex time
5. I am guessing you enjoyed round 1 so why not initiate round 2 quite quickly and tell him that you dont mean to link your sex oppertunities with his lack of help around the house.
6. Crikey, I'd be hurt if my partner blew me off like that when you're trying to rekindle the spark. That spark is so easily killed. So I think both of you were unreasonable.

Cannot quite believe the misogyny and down right disgusting comments from WOMEN. On here. No one has the right to tell someone else they are being unreasonable for not wanting sex. Whatever the reason/excuse.

You should be fucking ashamed of yourselves.

Fun over chores every time. Yabu.

He is too for not helping you so the job could be done quicker so you could both get to bed.

These posts are extremely damaging and are trying to guilt trip the OP into having sex with her husband, and trying to make her feel bad for saying no.

Nobody is suggesting that she give in to him, only that it's not unreasonable that he thinks sex is on the table. Everyone has the right to say no, as she did. Nobody on this anonymous forum cares if a random woman has sex with her husband, they're just answering the AIBU. Sorry pp, but YABU here.

I’m with you @FlissyPaps

Pretty horrendous thread and I’m hoping just infiltrated by bored men.

Nobody is suggesting that she give in to him, only that it's not unreasonable that he thinks sex is on the table. Everyone has the right to say no, as she did. Nobody on this anonymous forum cares if a random woman has sex with her husband, they're just answering the AIBU. Sorry pp, but YABU here.

No. A lot of people are suggesting OP is being unreasonable to not have sex with her husband because she would rather do some jobs/admin. They are trying to guilt trip her into giving in to him. As per one of my quotes above ^

I am guessing you enjoyed round 1 so why not initiate round 2 quite quickly and tell him that you dont mean to link your sex oppertunities with his lack of help around the house.

If she doesn’t want to initiate or partake in “round 2” then she doesn’t have to. NO MEANS NO. No reason needed.

Awful lot of gaslighting on here, and if you can’t see it, then I pity you. Disgusting.

@Grasscrowns The more I think about it, it must be just trolls or coercive, entitled men on this thread. I quite can’t believe what I’m reading.

SAY if OP would have actually preferred to do chores at that time. SAY is she didn't feel like round 2. SAY if she hasn't got a huge sex drive. Most of the women on here sound like nympho's....ohhhh wouldn't miss a chance like that! Sex over chores, telling the Op she is unreasonable because she doesn't want it?

Not everyone is gagging for it as soon as there are no kids in the house. Not everyone is gagging for it full stop especially when they has had sex yesterday.

He made her feel like shit for saying no, then actually questioned her if she was actually being serious saying no, kinda like he cannot believe she is turning him down. Then storms out like a teenager who didn't get to third base in high school.

He acted like a wanker.....

I agree with @FlissyPaps ·
This thread is a disgrace. No wonder so many women feel they need to put out whenever their husbands demand it, given there are so many other women who would judge them for not doing so.

He acted like a wanker..... with his attitude I’d suggest he go and be one. ;)

I can sympathise with wanting to use a few spare kid free moments to do a job that's been weighing on me, rather than have sex.

On the other hand, if I suggested to my husband we use kid free time for sex, and he said no for the same reason, I might be kind of put out.

How it was phrased might be important under those circumstances. "I really want to get this done with the kids gone, it's been bothering me" might go over a lot better than "We just did it yeatserday." Even "I just don't feel at all like sex righ now" would actually be better than that, it sounds like a mood thing rather than the "why are yiu asking me to do something annoying when I just did it" vibe.

He was a bit childish in his response too. But given the OP made him sound like some kind of over-sexed dope I can understand that.

It's hard to know what the usual dynamics of your relationship are. From one angle he sounds resentful at having to go to work while you "sit around doing nothing" getting your nails done. It's not like you could have done any of the paperwork while you were in the nail salon, is it? Would he have sulked later on if you'd stopped doing the paperwork to have sex wtih him then gone back to the paperwork after dinner while he wanted to watch a TV show with you? Would he have sulked at you not showing him any attention then too?

He also sounds like he thinks you should be at his beck and call sexually and the minute he gets home if the kids aren't around and he snaps his fingers you should rip each others' clothes off and have sex. Real life doesn't really work like that for most couples. Doing paperwork hardly puts one in the mood. And neither does that attitude of his. It's not exactly romantic if every time you hear the key in the door when the kids aren't there you're expected to just immediately ramp up your sexual interest out of nowhere to please him, no matter what you're up to, otherwise he sulks - what a turn off!. It's not a porno, where the man comes in all dirty and sweaty after a day's physical work and walks over to the woman who is in the middle of doing the dishes and bends her over the kitchen sink for a quickie and she's mighty grateful for him being such a manly masculine man with manly desires, even though it was probably all over too quick for it to be of any satisfaction to her. OK, well, maybe that might work for both parties now and again, but when it becomes an epxectation and YOUR thoughts and feelings don't come into it, then it's not very nice behaviour, actually.

Can't believe some of the responses on this thread. I find them a bit disturbing. Or maybe those are just from the people who have only been with their partner a year or two and are still in the stage where they only have to look at you and you both want to rip each others clothes off?. I really don't believe that it's necessary for every second of child-free time to be about doing what your partner wants. This situation would have been easy to resolve "Ah I'm in the middle of this now and I just want it out the way, and mortgage statements and overdrafts don't really put me in the mood, not to mention there's not a lot of time left before the kids will need to be picked up. How about we get the kids to bed early and have an early night ourselves ." Why does it have to be on HIS terms? I'm sure he wouldn't have turned down OP later on that evening. As it is, he didn't get a shag, because the situation just ended up with both parties feeling annoyed.

Ha ha I agree totally, go for a quick hand shuffle and let me get on with my paperwork dear.

I'd rather have sex than do 'jobs

I don't understand this line - the jobs don't disappear if you have sex, they'll still be there for you to do after. It isn't an either/or situation, it's a 'pause-shag-continue' thing.

Just another depressing thread about a man who cannot bare his partner saying no 🙄

Awful isn't it? As though it's a wifely duty 🙄

Jeeze the reaching on this thread is Olympic level huh.