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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut DD off?

530 replies

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 07:27

DD is 18 (just). She’s been living pretty much at her boyfriend’s house for months now.

She informed me the other week that she doesn’t live at home anymore and so we’d have to pay her to babysit/dog sit for our weekend away. Weekend away had been booked for over a year. We were left with no choice but to stump up cash (we were already paying for a takeaway for her and the BF) or lose hundreds of pounds of concert tickets/hotel.

She sent me a text on Saturday about needing new jeans. I didn’t respond. She then phoned me yesterday screaming down the phone that I’m abusive and neglectful and leaving her without clothes. Two weeks ago I gave her £50 to buy summer clothes for the holiday we are taking her on in July. She is constantly asking for small bits of cash here and there (tampons, printer credit for college, things like that that she knows we won’t say no to) and DH and I have just realised this adds up to £155 so far this month…

I’m done. I’m about ready to say fine, you’ve moved out, no more monthly bus pass, pocket money, clothes, takeaways. She works five hours a week and could work more. She smokes and drinks. She’s using us purely as a bank and only contacts us when she needs a top up. I also really really don’t want to take her on holiday but that’s a sunk cost and at least it’s AI so she won’t be asking for cash.

OP posts:
toastedbagiel · 30/05/2022 07:30

Aside from the weird dog sitting set up it sounds as if you have already cut her off.

I think YABU and I would be trying to fix my relationship with my own DD, it's clear there is a massive backstory though.

0utwitted · 30/05/2022 07:30

Id be v annoyed about her letting you down wrt dog sitting, but having a 19 year old, i wonder why on earth she is living with her bf? Is it more convenient? Very young to have moved out imo

WhatsHoppening · 30/05/2022 07:33

Is she just working 5 hours, not at college/studying? You need to sit down with her, tell her you’re feeling taken advantage of and work something out. If she has moved out and has capacity to work loads more it’s fair to cut her off but perhaps include her in holidays etc if you can afford to as she’s unlikely to afford that herself. Find a local dog sitter/teen that charges the same and use them so you’re not beholden to her.

Original poster
BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 07:34

toastedbagiel · 30/05/2022 07:30

Aside from the weird dog sitting set up it sounds as if you have already cut her off.

I think YABU and I would be trying to fix my relationship with my own DD, it's clear there is a massive backstory though.

Not sure what you mean about the weird set up? We have a 10yo and 2 dogs. When we booked concert tickets we asked DD to be at home (the home she lives in, not that weird of an ask?) and up until the last minute she was happy to, and then the day before demanded cash. She also had several friends over, we’d asked that it only be her and the BF.

I haven’t cut her off. She hasn’t stayed at home for more than a night at a time for nearly a year. She only ever comes home if we say we’re going out to dinner or getting a takeaway. She only ever contacts us for cash.

After being screamed at and called abusive for not immediately transferring £60 for the Levi’s she wanted, I’m done.

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 30/05/2022 07:34

Let me get this clear... she is 18 years old, no longer lives at your house, is in a live-in relationship with her boyfriend, effectively does not work or support herself and is using you as a cash cow.
Well, I would let this grownup out of my life.
If she is abusive on the phone ...hang up.
If you pay for anything ...stop.
Change the locks.
Respect has to be learned and earned.
Do not enable this behaviour.
When she apologises and addresses her abuse of you both .... because that is what is it... then you sit down with her and clarify the rules of your house.... if she doesnt like them she can leave again.. permanently.

Original poster
BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 07:36

She’s at college. Only in the first year though as she failed the first first year.

She lives at the BFs because she hates us, and tells us this all the time. Before asking for cash.

OP posts:
toastedbagiel · 30/05/2022 07:36

Not sure what you mean about the weird set up?

You paying her.

I haven’t cut her off.

I thought it sounded like you had, emotionally.

KangarooKenny · 30/05/2022 07:37

If she’s not living at home she needs to support herself, she needs to work more.
The only money she should get off you is birthday/Xmas.

AnotherEmma · 30/05/2022 07:38

Is your DD in college? Will she be finishing college soon?

Personally I would support her financially while she is still studying/training but not after that. And I would pay a fixed amount, ie weekly or monthly standing order (plus pay for her bus pass) and no more. I would tell her that's what I'm doing and no more requests.

I don't think you should take her on holiday either, not if her behaviour doesn't improve. It's doesn't matter that you've paid for her. It will be a waste of all the money you've spent on the holiday (including for yourselves) if it's ruined because of her attitude.

Oh and find a professional dog sitter for next time.

Coldnoseandtoes · 30/05/2022 07:38

She wants to be a grown up, living independently, so she shouldn't keep asking you for hand outs. I wouldn't have an issue giving a wee bit here and there, but certainly not to someone who thought I was as good as an ATM.

0utwitted · 30/05/2022 07:38

It sounds difficult. Why would she say she hates you?

She wants to go on holiday with you though so she only says she hates you???

mdh2020 · 30/05/2022 07:40

We don’t know the back story here so i is difficult to comment or advise. However, I left home at almost 18 to live with my boyfriend (now DH) many years ago. I got a job and never asked my parents for a penny. If you are going to continue to support her then you need to make her an allowance so she can continue her education but tell her that she needs to budget her money as you will not be topping it up. Personally, I would ask a friend to have the 10 year old and find a dog sitter for your weekend away.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 30/05/2022 07:41

Personally I think it was a bit cheeky to expect her to give up her weekend to babysit/dog sit without payment in the first place. Even if she lived at home, that's a big commitment for her as it means she can't go and do anything else.

But paying her for a job is very different to just giving her handouts - I'm really not sure why you're doing that in the first place for an eighteen year old?

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 30/05/2022 07:42

If she has just turned 18, wouldn't you still be supporting her anyway, or is she living off a student loan?

Landlubber2019 · 30/05/2022 07:42

I think boundaries need setting, she is 18 and you do need to support her, both financially and practically. It must be hugely upsetting to keep having to ask for money, why doesn't she have a regular allowance to work and budget with?

ThePoetsWife · 30/05/2022 07:42

Agree on a monthly budget for her while she's at college and don't pay more than this.

If she screams at you stop engaging and hang up.

Don't take her on holiday - you need to be able to relax and it will teach her that her behaviour isn't to be tolerated.

lifesabitchandthenyadie · 30/05/2022 07:42

Is your DH her dad?

I'm sorry, it sounds very hard but wondering why she is so angry.

KangarooKenny · 30/05/2022 07:43

In the past I preferred to pay for things they needed, rather than give cash to spend on drink, fags etc. So I paid for the phone so I knew they had one, and I paid car insurance and tax so I knew they were legal.

cameocat · 30/05/2022 07:43

I would have a conversation with her. Agree to pay bus pass and x amount per week whilst she's at college but that won't get paid if she's abusive. Don't pay anything more. Tell her your door is always open when she's ready to be kind / nice. Don't put up with the screaming / bad behaviour.

LivingOnTheRoad · 30/05/2022 07:43

I would imagine there’s a lot more to this than what you have written here. You need to sit down together and talk about what is happening and set some rules. Is she at college? Do you get child benefit for her? She needs to decided where she officially lives. She can’t call you and scream at you. You all need to communicate because this situation can’t continue as it is.

MissyB1 · 30/05/2022 07:45

She shouldn’t have moved out until she had the financial means to support herself. So she wants to live with her bf but you are supposed to bank roll that? I suggest if her and the bf think they are adults that they both start earning more money.

sit down and have a calm chat about independence needing to be financial as well as physical. If she screams and tantrums you remain calm and simply state the facts.

DurhamDurham · 30/05/2022 07:45

It's tricky, I think while she's at college she will be relying on you financially, there's no real way around that. However once you've helped her out with her monthly bus pass so she can get to college and maybe some money for food so she can contribute towards that at her boyfriends you shouldn't have to put up with her screaming at you for new Levi's.

If it was my family I'd be doing my best to repair the relationship and put some healthy boundaries in place. Not cut her off. You'll regret that if you do I think.

HappyCup · 30/05/2022 07:46

This sounds really rough. I’d focus on your relationship with her and helping her work out this new step in her life. Would she respond well to going out to lunch just the two of you so you can talk?

For what it’s worth though I’d still be giving her a bus pass and an allowance if she’s at college. But I’d make it a set allowance that she has to budget from rather than her just asking for top ups.

Be positive and helpful but consistent and clear. “If you’ve moved out then it means not getting as big as an allowance from us anymore, we’re going to transfer X into your bank each month. Do you want help working out your wages and a budget?”

It might not sink in with her at first be continue being clear and consistent (and doing what you can to rebuild your relationship) and she’ll get the message.

Roselilly36 · 30/05/2022 07:46

I think YABU, your DD is 18, just 18, we all thought we knew the lot at 18. So if/when the relationship breaks up, can she come home? Parenting teens is hard, but you have to communicate with your child, not just cut them off.

Porcupineintherough · 30/05/2022 07:46

Of course you don't just keep handing over cash whilst she lives elsewhere and tells you how awful you are. Tell her that, if she wants your support, you'll meet her and talk through what's reasonable, including what you expect in return. And make sure she sticks to her side of the bargain before you hand over any more cash.