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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cut DD off?

530 replies

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 07:27

DD is 18 (just). She’s been living pretty much at her boyfriend’s house for months now.

She informed me the other week that she doesn’t live at home anymore and so we’d have to pay her to babysit/dog sit for our weekend away. Weekend away had been booked for over a year. We were left with no choice but to stump up cash (we were already paying for a takeaway for her and the BF) or lose hundreds of pounds of concert tickets/hotel.

She sent me a text on Saturday about needing new jeans. I didn’t respond. She then phoned me yesterday screaming down the phone that I’m abusive and neglectful and leaving her without clothes. Two weeks ago I gave her £50 to buy summer clothes for the holiday we are taking her on in July. She is constantly asking for small bits of cash here and there (tampons, printer credit for college, things like that that she knows we won’t say no to) and DH and I have just realised this adds up to £155 so far this month…

I’m done. I’m about ready to say fine, you’ve moved out, no more monthly bus pass, pocket money, clothes, takeaways. She works five hours a week and could work more. She smokes and drinks. She’s using us purely as a bank and only contacts us when she needs a top up. I also really really don’t want to take her on holiday but that’s a sunk cost and at least it’s AI so she won’t be asking for cash.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 31/05/2022 09:52

Well done OP.

Sounds like a great chat.

Now keep to your boundaries.

She knows she is welcome to be at home, but she cannot expect you to fund her eating out if she doesn't want to stay.

That is perfectly reasonable of you.

MagnoliaTaint · 31/05/2022 09:54

So glad to hear you've talked, OP. Well done for keeping calm, that can be the hardest thing!

Swayingpalmtrees · 31/05/2022 10:03

Has she agreed to come back for school nights? If so, that is a great result. You handled the chat with her super well op. I hope it works out for you both, and this is the start of better times for all of you.

AnotherEmma · 31/05/2022 10:10

BrokenToy · 31/05/2022 09:42

Well I think she realised she’d gone a bit far as she sent DH and me a text each saying she wanted to come and have a chat (I’d already asked her to and she said no and then hours later said actually yes; I miss you xxx).

So we grabbed this with both hands and kept it very calm and unemotional, she did once or twice get defensive and shouty but we brought it back down.

Basically we have asked her to agree to stay here at least on school nights. Made it clear that we miss her and love her and that it’s not appropriate at 18 and in FT education to live elsewhere. It turns out she rarely eats at the BFs so is spending a lot of money on food out of the house which is ridiculous. She says she only stays there because she wants to be with him and I said that’s all very intense and actually not fair on him or his family, or us! I also explained how we just feel a bit used, even if that’s not her intent, that she only comes home or contacts us when she wants something and it would be great if she could try to spend time with us as a family.

We also talked about the fact that we don’t have endless funds of money to give her and that sometimes when we say no to cash handouts it’s because we don’t actually have any cash. It’s not because we don’t love her and want her to have things. Our income fluctuates (overtime, tips, bonuses) and sometimes we have enough for lots of extras and sometimes we have pennies in the current account, depending on when in the month it is.

I’m sure there’s loads here that people will pick holes in but we are just doing our best and she’s not some poor unloved traumatised kid.

Sounds very constructive. Well done.

Regina70 · 31/05/2022 10:43

Well done OP. I think you are on the right track. Teens get carried away with their emotions. Playing grown ups and house with their first big relationship is exciting but also scary as hell and often teens mask fear with aggression. Communication, clear boundaries, respect, support. She can have a taste of independence with your support but still enjoy a positive relationship with her family and work towards an exciting future. Maybe some bonding activities over the next few months (getting your nails done for example) could help.

7eleven · 31/05/2022 11:10

Sounds like a brilliant update, OP. Don’t be too disappointed if she still rumbles. You’ve made a great start.

When they’re terrible twos, we all think it’ll be easier when they grow up. I think it’s so much harder. I’ve got a daughter in her 30s, who I still need to manage skilfully. Best of luck.

Phobiaphobic · 31/05/2022 12:02

Bonbon21 · 30/05/2022 07:34

Let me get this clear... she is 18 years old, no longer lives at your house, is in a live-in relationship with her boyfriend, effectively does not work or support herself and is using you as a cash cow.
Well, I would let this grownup out of my life.
If she is abusive on the phone ...hang up.
If you pay for anything ...stop.
Change the locks.
Respect has to be learned and earned.
Do not enable this behaviour.
When she apologises and addresses her abuse of you both .... because that is what is it... then you sit down with her and clarify the rules of your house.... if she doesnt like them she can leave again.. permanently.

Hard agree. You'd be doing her a favour in the long run, as well as yourself. No one likes an entitled narcissistic bully.

pintkds · 31/05/2022 12:09

Whats with the hostility?? Her daughter is 18, legally an adult. What do you expect her to, physically forced her daughter to come home and live there? That's a crime! It's called kidnapping.

Her daughter chose the living arrangements so it's really rather ridiculous to ask op if she's "happy" about someone else supporting her ADULT daughter.

Phobiaphobic · 31/05/2022 12:12

OP, I'm so sorry about what you've been through. Ignore the misogynists on here - they always blame the mother's parenting. I have experience of a kid like this, and it's awful. You go over and over what you might have done to make them this way, and in the end you realise it's largely the genetic luck of the draw.

The best you can do for her and yourself is set firm boundaries, then focus on yourself. Can you afford a little bit for therapy, to help you cope and come to terms with the way she is? Get all the support you can, and know that none of this is your fault, she will probably improve as she matures, and you can be happy regardless of whatever she chooses to do with her life.

Sending hugs and good luck vibes!

ancientgran · 31/05/2022 12:19

Relationship problems between 2 women and the issue is misogyny?

pintkds · 31/05/2022 12:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

pintkds · 31/05/2022 12:24

toastedbagiel · 30/05/2022 08:07

@Mally100

There is no way I would let someone else subsidise one of my children financially like that.

Whats with the hostility?? Her daughter is 18, legally an adult. What do you expect her to, physically forced her daughter to come home and live there? That's a crime! It's called kidnapping.

Her daughter chose the living arrangements so it's really rather ridiculous to ask op if she's "happy" about someone else supporting her ADULT daughter.

Dwrcegin · 31/05/2022 16:33

Well done on getting her to agree to stay home on school nights.
Good luck going forward.

saliwales2022 · 31/05/2022 17:15

I had a similar problem with my granddaughter. She only phoned me when she wanted money. Then her Mother got involved! She asked me me how much I had given her. I gave her about £7K. Anyway, she has not phoned me since, probably because she is not speaking to me. I wish I could have handled this situation like you did!

SundayTeatime · 31/05/2022 18:15

All done, OP. That’s a good update. There have been some shocking comments on this thread.

Whatafustercluck · 31/05/2022 18:46

That's a great update op. I hope she continues to talk through things with you. Best of luck.

skybluee · 31/05/2022 19:38

I do think that it might help to take money out of it and sit down with her and work out a REASONABLE monthly amount - what that is no one on here can tell you, but I mean an amount that takes into account her wages, and the things you pay for already (bus pass and phone), and a set amount for the other things she needs like clothes. Then she doesn't have to ask you for money and she will learn to budget it as well (maybe make it twice a month not monthly to make that easier at first). If she is staying at home with you for five days a week obviously that amount will be lower as she will be having food with you etc.

When all is said and done she is still in the sixth form, I think people are focussing too much on the 18 and not seeing that she isn't an 18 year old working full time, she is in full time education in school.

Things aren't like they used to be with leaving school at 16, you have to stay in some kind of education until 18 now.

Has she applied for EMA / 16 - 19 Bursary Fund?

joliefolle · 31/05/2022 20:25

I think people arent focusing enough on the fact that she's earning £50 a week (employed by the OP) and is tapping her parents for extras because she is a smoker in a country where cigarettes cost at least £13 a packet. If the OP and/or her husband smoke then that's on them I suppose...

TheCatterall · 31/05/2022 21:44

Tell her to change her attitude and sort out her priorities or her cash line will be cut off. Give her (and your whole family unit) a set of rules of engagement and behaviour about how you treat each other and expectations.

agree on what happened if your children misbehave - 3 strike rule and cut off from funding for a month? Or more?

serious behaviour or misdemeanour and it’s done - no more financial support?

id also consider changing the locks so she’s isn’t coming and going as she pleases with other folks and helping herself to things.

tough love. Yes. But children - especially young adults need to know their are consequences to poor choices and bad behaviour.

if she has a screaming paddy that she’s not abiding by rules like a child and no longer lives with you etc etc. Then accept her statement and change locks and stop supporting her financially. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and fall over a few times or she’ll never respect you or do anything as you keep swooping in to save her and do as she wishes so No lesson learnt.

i feel sorry for boyfriends parents…

RandomMess · 01/06/2022 06:49

I hope it goes well after the discussion.

Our then just 1& year old (working) was all set to move out as it was so unfair she had to pay so much board 🙄 after looking around she soo realised it was much cheaper to stay home!

honeylulu · 01/06/2022 07:25

You handled the chat really well.
On the money side of things I agree with the posters saying you should give an allowance to budget from with no top ups.
My 17 year old is at college and lives at home and we give him £20 a week (provided he clears up after himself!) Plus bus pass and phone. He gets a JD card for his birthday and Christmas to top up his clothes (plus other gifts) but if he wants anything in between he has to budget from his allowance. I order any toiletries he needs from the tesco shop. He doesn't nag or scream for more money because he knows I would just say tough, no.

I do think babysitting should be paid. We pay our son to look after our 8 year old. Less than an external babysitter because he has his own home comforts but he's agreeable with that. No takeaway on top though! My parents used to force me to babysit unpaid for younger sibling and I hated it.

Pippy2022 · 01/06/2022 07:58

I think it's very bizarre and unhelpful of the boyfriend's family to be housing her frankly. I would be very pissed off about that. They should be telling her to go home, except for weekends.

KarenOLantern · 01/06/2022 09:11

Brilliant update OP, I think you've handled that one really well.

Motnight · 01/06/2022 09:58

Op that is a really positive update. I hope that things continue to improve.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/06/2022 10:13

sounds very positive op