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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cut DD off?

530 replies

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 07:27

DD is 18 (just). She’s been living pretty much at her boyfriend’s house for months now.

She informed me the other week that she doesn’t live at home anymore and so we’d have to pay her to babysit/dog sit for our weekend away. Weekend away had been booked for over a year. We were left with no choice but to stump up cash (we were already paying for a takeaway for her and the BF) or lose hundreds of pounds of concert tickets/hotel.

She sent me a text on Saturday about needing new jeans. I didn’t respond. She then phoned me yesterday screaming down the phone that I’m abusive and neglectful and leaving her without clothes. Two weeks ago I gave her £50 to buy summer clothes for the holiday we are taking her on in July. She is constantly asking for small bits of cash here and there (tampons, printer credit for college, things like that that she knows we won’t say no to) and DH and I have just realised this adds up to £155 so far this month…

I’m done. I’m about ready to say fine, you’ve moved out, no more monthly bus pass, pocket money, clothes, takeaways. She works five hours a week and could work more. She smokes and drinks. She’s using us purely as a bank and only contacts us when she needs a top up. I also really really don’t want to take her on holiday but that’s a sunk cost and at least it’s AI so she won’t be asking for cash.

OP posts:
Mally100 · 30/05/2022 07:59

bjjgirl · 30/05/2022 07:53

Does sound like there is a lot more to it, because it's coming across as really cold, 18 is still young and she's in education

Really young, but already living with her boyfriend? She can't have it both ways. She wants to act big, let her figure this out. She is a brat, who does she think she is screaming at you for anything.

TeaAndChoccie · 30/05/2022 07:59

There is a big backstory here ...

Bluueberrryy · 30/05/2022 07:59

Bonbon21 · 30/05/2022 07:34

Let me get this clear... she is 18 years old, no longer lives at your house, is in a live-in relationship with her boyfriend, effectively does not work or support herself and is using you as a cash cow.
Well, I would let this grownup out of my life.
If she is abusive on the phone ...hang up.
If you pay for anything ...stop.
Change the locks.
Respect has to be learned and earned.
Do not enable this behaviour.
When she apologises and addresses her abuse of you both .... because that is what is it... then you sit down with her and clarify the rules of your house.... if she doesnt like them she can leave again.. permanently.

This is the OP's child.

Obviously the relationship has broken down, and OP as the adult should be trying to mend it.

midlifecrash · 30/05/2022 07:59

She sounds young for her age. Are the bfs family considerably better off? Do you think they are disparaging about people who aren’t? Or could he be taking money off her for games etc?

Original poster
BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 08:01

Yeah that was me.

It’s been going on a while. I feel such guilt about her as she knows exactly which buttons to push about my awful parenting. She makes me doubt my own sanity.

OP posts:
MarvellousMay · 30/05/2022 08:01

Pocket money?! Lol. Cut her off. Charging you to house sit?! Outrageous!

FiveNineFive · 30/05/2022 08:01

For context, DS is at Uni and working. Apart from a couple of hundred pounds to top up his rent he has never asked us for money. He came home yesterday with ripped trainers because he can’t afford new ones. He won’t take money from us. It’s really hard not to compare them.

I see how this is, and so does she

Mally100 · 30/05/2022 08:02

toastedbagiel · 30/05/2022 07:58

She is living rent free at the BF parents house,

And you are happy to have someone else support your daughter financially whilst pondering whether to cut her off completely yourself?

No she decided to go to live with her boyfriend and I doubt the op could have stopped her. Op isn't a cash cow, to be abused and screamed at. She wants to act like a big adult, then she needs to figure out her finances like an adult. Op said she could be working more hours, she's just a lazy brat abusing the op.

AnotherEmma · 30/05/2022 08:02

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 07:47

She earns a couple of hundred a month. We give her £50 allowance. Bus pass is £70, phone contract £20 (paid by us).

The money she constantly asks for is on top of this.

Is that £50/month? That's not much. I would increase it but no top ups. And would want to meet up with her and have a conversation first, about her being polite and civil.

whowhatwerewhy · 30/05/2022 08:04

Yes cut her money off .
She's 18 and an adult, look into what benefits she can get . In some circumstances 18 year olds can clam . Should you get child benefits for her I would give her that and only that .
She's wants to live independently as an adult why should you pay

Mally100 · 30/05/2022 08:04

FiveNineFive · 30/05/2022 08:01

For context, DS is at Uni and working. Apart from a couple of hundred pounds to top up his rent he has never asked us for money. He came home yesterday with ripped trainers because he can’t afford new ones. He won’t take money from us. It’s really hard not to compare them.

I see how this is, and so does she

See what? That one turned out decent and respectful and the other the opposite. I think op had posted about her before, so there's a backstory about how horrible the dds behavior is.

NotQuiteUsual · 30/05/2022 08:05

Have you clearly sat down with her and had the conversation about expectations and what you're happy to help with and aren't and what you expect from her in return. I doubt it would go down well at all, but if you just cut her off without a clear conversation. Even if she isn't willing to listen at the time, you'll risk losing the relationship for good. Can you invite her out for dinner and pounce on the topic while she's there?

I'm not condoning her behaviour at all, it's absolutely foul. But she's navigating that line between being a child with no responsibility and an adult who needs to sort their own life out. It's an adjustment that comes a lot easier to some than others. I found it incredibly difficult and lashed out at my parents because of it. Somehow we all made it through and we're better for it.

PrinnyPree · 30/05/2022 08:05

cameocat · 30/05/2022 07:43

I would have a conversation with her. Agree to pay bus pass and x amount per week whilst she's at college but that won't get paid if she's abusive. Don't pay anything more. Tell her your door is always open when she's ready to be kind / nice. Don't put up with the screaming / bad behaviour.

This is what I would do too. I would try to facilitate her going to college, but I'd be reminding her she's an adult now and any money she receives is purely voluntary on your part and she has to treat you civilly and with respect otherwise she can adult herself into a fulltime job.

ATadConfused · 30/05/2022 08:06

Well, for a start I wouldn't be engaging with her shouting at me. I'd tell her that & leave the room/hang up. I certainly would not be tolerating her telling us she hates us, then expecting money.

you need to take some responsibility for how you've raised her. She hasn't gone from 18 months to 18 years overnight. You have allowed this attitude to develop.

instinctively handing over money to a teen that has chosen to leave home feels wrong, but I suppose it's not a lot different to them going to Uni. I would, after a discussion about her attitude, increase her allowance, but stipulate that she needs to budget it to allow for clothing.

if I had contact details for his parents I'd get in touch & say that we're not prepared to pay living expenses for her to live elsewhere as she has a home she's welcome to live in, so it's up to them if they want to ask her directly for 'keep' out of her earnings/allowance or not.

as for the dog/child siting. She really is taking the piss isn't she. Saying at the last minute she will only do it if paid, best. I'd have said fine, don't do it then, but don't expect favours from us, lifts, holidays, additional clothes etc.

then a friend would have helped as I would them.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 30/05/2022 08:06

Yeah I’d cut her off.

Mellowyellow222 · 30/05/2022 08:06

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 07:47

She earns a couple of hundred a month. We give her £50 allowance. Bus pass is £70, phone contract £20 (paid by us).

The money she constantly asks for is on top of this.

Okay his is very little support for a teenager still in full time education and not living at home (even living at home).

her monthly allowance is the same as my 13 year old nephew. It’s very low and would gone quite quickly at her age. I assume her boyfriend is also subsidising her. Think about a couple of boxes of tampons, shampoo and shower gel, hair cut; snacks. £50 wouldn’t last the month.

i assume you can’t afford more - so have that talk with her. Explain things are very tight and you simply can’t afford to support her. That is a tough message. I assume your son is living off student loans. Tell her you can’t afford shoes for your son.

her boyfriends parents are feeding her so you are saving some money in this arrangement. I am surprised you how are willing to do this. It is very generous if she isn’t contributing.

but maybe she simply doesn’t understand how tight things are for you and expects the level of financial support her fiends are getting.

toastedbagiel · 30/05/2022 08:07

@Mally100

There is no way I would let someone else subsidise one of my children financially like that.

Mellowyellow222 · 30/05/2022 08:08

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 30/05/2022 08:06

Yeah I’d cut her off.

Really? A teenager in full time education? Who you love and want to compete her studies?

mums-net is a harsh place

Threetulips · 30/05/2022 08:08

You need to stop - she’s left home she can claim benefits to get her through college or increase her working hours.

Yes she’s young so she should learn fast!

Just say no. I wouldn’t pay her via fare either especially if the other family are taking her on. Who knows what they’re paying - and there certainly isn’t any incentive for them to send her home.

‘No sorry I don’t have it’

And rather than losing the holiday money, perhaps let your 10 year old invite a friend instead.

Dominuse · 30/05/2022 08:11

whowhatwerewhy · 30/05/2022 08:04

Yes cut her money off .
She's 18 and an adult, look into what benefits she can get . In some circumstances 18 year olds can clam . Should you get child benefits for her I would give her that and only that .
She's wants to live independently as an adult why should you pay

The screaming and lack of respect did it for me

billy1966 · 30/05/2022 08:12

OP,

It reads as if she has been doing exactly how she pleases for a long time.

Moving out and being allowed to at 17 is young but I do get that if that is what she wants you can hardly stop her.

I think all you can do is make clear that you will not accept her abusive behaviour and accept she has left home.

That her home is always there for her if she is stuck , but that you will not be tolerating any further verbal abuse.

Decide what is reasonable to pay for and stop everything else.

She can turn the charm on and off clearly, so I simply would not be tolerating her rudeness.

Stop being guilted by her, you are allowing her to control you.

Be calm, firm, and measured.
Wish her the very best, her home is always here for her, but you will no longer listen to a moments rudeness from her.

Sort the dogs out yourself and go on holiday without her.

I would not have your 10 year olds holiday ruined by her.

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 08:13

I’m done

Are you sure you are ready to cut your own child off? It seems very extreme.

I am reading a different angle from others. Your child moved out at just seventeen years old, just a child, why on earth did you allow to do that? She is very vulnerable as she is unable to properly support herself, and is now entirely reliant on a teen relationship - she was, and still is highly dependent on you as her parent as she is still in college.
You still expect her to do you favours for free, like dog sitting and baby sitting and yet you think 50gbp is enough for summer clothes? She sounds desperately short of money to me. When you all agreed she would go to college, you were signing up as a parent to support her - but it appears only on your terms.

You sound cold and indifferent to the loss of such an important relationship - the one we have with our children - and I would absolutely love to hear her side of the story! I am sure it would shift much of the mood music on this thread.

I would continue to help her as you agreed to do when she started the course, I would continue to love her and support her financially until she finishes college, and with lots of warning remind her that at that point she must be ready to support herself.

You sound like you have washed your hands with her and couldn't wait for her to leave the family home. I don't detect love, or loss or any kind of emotion in your posts - and for that reason I wonder how you have treated her op.

Cutting off a child is huge, and your flippancy speaks volumes.

Sorrynotsorryyeah · 30/05/2022 08:13

coffeecupsandfairylights · 30/05/2022 07:41

Personally I think it was a bit cheeky to expect her to give up her weekend to babysit/dog sit without payment in the first place. Even if she lived at home, that's a big commitment for her as it means she can't go and do anything else.

But paying her for a job is very different to just giving her handouts - I'm really not sure why you're doing that in the first place for an eighteen year old?

Oh come on. She’s not paying rent. It’s not a major imposition at all to expect her to look after a dog for one weekend without payment.

Fleur405 · 30/05/2022 08:14

Obviously something has gone very badly wrong in your relationship. Of course the current arrangement can’t continue but as her mother I would be trying to repair the relationship rather than talking about cutting her off.

Bigbadstan · 30/05/2022 08:14

I think you do need to increase the allowance - I assume you still get child benefit for her unless you've transferred this to boyfriends parents?
While her behaviour is terrible, she certainly hasn't got enough money to feed herself and study.
I would double the allowance for as long as she remains on the college course, and not top up more than that