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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cut DD off?

530 replies

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 07:27

DD is 18 (just). She’s been living pretty much at her boyfriend’s house for months now.

She informed me the other week that she doesn’t live at home anymore and so we’d have to pay her to babysit/dog sit for our weekend away. Weekend away had been booked for over a year. We were left with no choice but to stump up cash (we were already paying for a takeaway for her and the BF) or lose hundreds of pounds of concert tickets/hotel.

She sent me a text on Saturday about needing new jeans. I didn’t respond. She then phoned me yesterday screaming down the phone that I’m abusive and neglectful and leaving her without clothes. Two weeks ago I gave her £50 to buy summer clothes for the holiday we are taking her on in July. She is constantly asking for small bits of cash here and there (tampons, printer credit for college, things like that that she knows we won’t say no to) and DH and I have just realised this adds up to £155 so far this month…

I’m done. I’m about ready to say fine, you’ve moved out, no more monthly bus pass, pocket money, clothes, takeaways. She works five hours a week and could work more. She smokes and drinks. She’s using us purely as a bank and only contacts us when she needs a top up. I also really really don’t want to take her on holiday but that’s a sunk cost and at least it’s AI so she won’t be asking for cash.

OP posts:
Sushi7 · 30/05/2022 08:39

Tell her that if she wants to live with bf then she needs to work so she can afford to live away from home. If she thinks she’s independent then she has to be independent. How old is her bf?

If she can’t afford this then she can move back home where all her clothes are.

ancientgran · 30/05/2022 08:40

KangarooKenny · 30/05/2022 08:38

No, I disagree.

Show quote history

So you think the food, water, gas, electric she'd use at her parents would be free? I wish I could get some of that free.

BadWolf2022 · 30/05/2022 08:40

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 08:38

She also comes home to do her washing.

She hasn’t moved out in any meaningful way. She just thinks it means she doesn’t have to do anything with us, spend any time with us, do any chores or favours.

I would knock that on the head. "No DD you've chosen to live with xxxx. You need to do your washing there or start contributing to the bills you're using here. We aren't a half way house."

ancientgran · 30/05/2022 08:42

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 08:38

She also comes home to do her washing.

She hasn’t moved out in any meaningful way. She just thinks it means she doesn’t have to do anything with us, spend any time with us, do any chores or favours.

So she's moved out but she hasn't moved out. I'll leave you to it, changing the story as you go along makes it pretty pointless to engage.

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 08:42

Why would you even consider cutting her off?

How is that even an option for you?
She is your child fgs.
By all means limit how much you give her if you are struggling so much financially but you are talking about removing her bus pass to get to college, how will she get there without that? It all sounds very vindictive.

When you agreed dd would go to college, you agreed to support her as a parent during the course. That does include clothing her! I would put together a small spreadsheet of what you can afford and send her the money seasonally/monthly continue with her expenses until the course has finished, then you have honoured what you agreed.

In the meantime, have you considered trying to repair the relationship? Take her out for dinner and talk about what has gone wrong? A walk or a picnic. You are in danger of losing her altogether.

Original poster
BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 08:42

We actually don’t just have a few hundred quid a month spare to chuck at the BF parents. Mainly because we spend an eye watering amount on our mortgage which means she has a beautiful double room with en suite.

I know I might sound cold but honestly I am just broken by the whole thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 08:44

I don’t know how to fix a relationship with someone who isn’t interested.

OP posts:
Mellowyellow222 · 30/05/2022 08:44

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 08:35

I have not left her to support herself or pulled up the drawbridge.

She has a home here. Her bedroom is still her bedroom. She chooses not to stay. She comes home to grab shampoo and anything else she needs, in all respects she still lives here but in her head because she stays every night with the BF that means she’s moved out.

OP is sounds like things have broken down spectacularly.

you are very focused on money and don’t seems concerned about her education, welfare or your future relationship.

her behaviour sounds extreme. It all doesn’t add up.

I would be ashamed to allow another family to support my child. I would have permitted overnights at the boyfriends when under 18- yet you seemed to let her move out.

i had assumed the focus on money meant you didn’t have much - but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

What about asking your daughter to go to family therapy with you and your husband.

speak to the other parents - explain you are
Mortified that they have financially supported your child for so long with no contribution - rectify that. Don’t have your daughter owing them anything.

it might not work and the relationship might be damaged beyond repair - but at least you will have tried.

maybe you will all understand why things have broken down so badly - why you so resent giving your children money? Why your daughter is so angry and rude?

You both have issues - there is no hero in this story.

the other parents must really think you are dreadful!

Solidarityovercharity · 30/05/2022 08:45

You're right. She's a brat and needs a couple of life lessons. I don't think you should do this in an angry way, rather in a parental, we think it's time you made your own way as you don't understand give and take

lalaley · 30/05/2022 08:45

I can only imagine your frustration OP, but gently, she is also a teenager... I honestly doubt it's personal to you. And in fairness £50 doesn't stretch that far for summer clotheS (in the plural) plus a pair of jeans. Is there anything you can do to distance yourself from this stress and be very kind to yourself and just take the tension out of the situation a bit. Your daughter will mature more in the next few years.

daisy46 · 30/05/2022 08:45

HillCrestingGoat · 30/05/2022 08:16

There is a massive backstory to this. If I remember correctly the previous post was about her apparently being stranded so she rang her boyfriend's mother to collect her in the middle of the night when actually she had been offered a lift by her own mother but chose to decline it and didn't want to spend money on a taxi.

I wouldn't take her on holiday, she will be an absolute nightmare. You need to cut her off, from X date she has to pay for her own phone and bus pass to college. She cannot scream abuse at you and expect you to put your hand in your pocket. However, I am sure you were advised to tell the boyfriend's mother the truth about that stranded night incident and you should. She is lying to them to get sympathy and do the whole poor me act.

This.
OP ignore the advice to give her more money. They don’t understand how long this has been going on — time to end all support but a buss pass and her phone and put an end date on those if she doesn’t turn it around.

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 08:45

So you are servicing a mortgage on a beautiful house, in your words, meaning you can not afford for your child to live with you now, as you now simply don't have the money?! Hence your have offloaded her to the boyfriend's family and you can not afford to pay for her to be there!!

Are you for real?

Original poster
BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 08:46

She text me yesterday to tell me the reason she’s moved out is because I treat her like shit.

Treating her like shit in this instance is not immediately forking over £60 for jeans. Saying no to her is abusive, apparently.

OP posts:
Mellowyellow222 · 30/05/2022 08:46

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 08:42

We actually don’t just have a few hundred quid a month spare to chuck at the BF parents. Mainly because we spend an eye watering amount on our mortgage which means she has a beautiful double room with en suite.

I know I might sound cold but honestly I am just broken by the whole thing.

So these parents see you living in a large beautiful house while they feed your child? And your son won’t ask you for money for shoes?

bonkers.

you need to consider your relationship with money.

Mally100 · 30/05/2022 08:46

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 08:42

Why would you even consider cutting her off?

How is that even an option for you?
She is your child fgs.
By all means limit how much you give her if you are struggling so much financially but you are talking about removing her bus pass to get to college, how will she get there without that? It all sounds very vindictive.

When you agreed dd would go to college, you agreed to support her as a parent during the course. That does include clothing her! I would put together a small spreadsheet of what you can afford and send her the money seasonally/monthly continue with her expenses until the course has finished, then you have honoured what you agreed.

In the meantime, have you considered trying to repair the relationship? Take her out for dinner and talk about what has gone wrong? A walk or a picnic. You are in danger of losing her altogether.

Have you even read the op, where the dd is screaming abuse at her? Why should she then turn around and go buy her anything! She is just turned 18! Barely an adult and wants to play big adult games, then she needs to find a way to do that. I agree that op needs a conversation with her, to lay down the rules and what she won't tolerate. And op is providing her a home, but she chooses not to live there. Living in student accommodation is very different than wanting to shack up with your boyfriend.

Whitehorsegirl · 30/05/2022 08:47

Several issues here...

  • it sounds like you have a poor relationship with your daughter in general. Why is that? have you tried to work on it? is there a chance that she feels you favour her brother and is acting out because of it? At no point in your messages do you mention loving her and wishing you had a better relationship with her...
  • Yes she is 18 but she does not work enough hours to support herself completely I would say. Try sitting her down and saying you will go through her monthly budget together and how it is spend and the you both will agree on a monthly allowance. You both then agree that this is all you will pay her every month
  • You are lucky that someone else is willing to give your daughter a roof rent free...most people have to support their kids through higher education or the student has to take on a lot of debts. I wonder how her boyfriend's parents feel about doing this while you contribute nothing to her accommodation costs. to be honest.
I think there is more to this story to be honest. Your daughter sounds difficult but it looks like she does not have the most supportive family environment either.
Original poster
BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 08:47

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 08:45

So you are servicing a mortgage on a beautiful house, in your words, meaning you can not afford for your child to live with you now, as you now simply don't have the money?! Hence your have offloaded her to the boyfriend's family and you can not afford to pay for her to be there!!

Are you for real?

I’m sorry you struggle with reading g comprehension so badly. It must be hard for you.

OP posts:
CaptSkippy · 30/05/2022 08:48

If she just comes in and out as she pleases and takes your things and uses your washing machine and dryer without asking, perhaps you need to change the locks too. I doubt she'll give the key back if you ask for it.

She can come over when she checks with you if it's convenient and she can behave herself like a cilivlized guest in your house.

Sushi7 · 30/05/2022 08:48

@BrokenToy you really need to speak to your dd's bf’s mum and tell her the truth. Explain that:


  1. you never kicked your dd out and that her bedroom is always there.

  2. you give her money every month and pay her phone contract etc. However, your dd spends the allowance on booze and cigs instead of essentials.

  3. your dd is welcome back anytime rent free.

  4. you’re upset that dd moved out.


You really need to tell the mum all these things.

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 08:48

We actually don’t just have a few hundred quid a month spare to chuck at the BF parents. Mainly because we spend an eye watering amount on our mortgage which means she has a beautiful double room with en suite

I think this is precisely what you said. What part of that am I misreading?

cameocat · 30/05/2022 08:49

It sounds to me like she needs more than a beautiful room and en suite and as the adult you are the one to fix it. I think you need to sit down and have a frank conversation with her, listen to why she doesn't want to live with you, listen to why she feels rejected. You can't just say we can't afford it because if she moved back on you would have to support her. Something is very wrong with your relationship and if you don't get to the bottom of it you will lose your daughter. She has a naive view of having moved out but that is 18 year olds.

Yogachick · 30/05/2022 08:51

She’s a brat but a manipulative one. Perhaps a sit down conversation with you,your partner and the boyfriends parents with her in order to be clear about how much you love her but if she’s moved out setting financial boundaries and what they are. I moved out at 16 and supported myself. College wasn’t an option. Because my choice was to move out and I had to support myself with a full time job. Your daughter needs to learn she cannot have it all ways. With the boyfriends parents present in the conversation she won’t be unable to distort the truth.I’m going to sound such an old lady but many (not all before you all get enraged)of the younger generation expect everything and have so many rights, forgetting that with rights(ie to move out) comes responsibilities( pay your own way)because as parents we’ve always wanted to make things better and easier for them so they don’t get upset, because who wants their child to be upset? But by over parenting in this way it ends up like OP situation. Your daughter CAN manage her behaviour but CHOOSES not to , because up till now there’s been no comeback. Time there was

Original poster
BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 08:51

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 08:48

We actually don’t just have a few hundred quid a month spare to chuck at the BF parents. Mainly because we spend an eye watering amount on our mortgage which means she has a beautiful double room with en suite

I think this is precisely what you said. What part of that am I misreading?

The bit where you said I can’t afford for her to live with me. It’s the opposite.

I can’t afford to pay rent or whatever for her to live elsewhere.

And the stuff about DS and not asking us for money is because in his eyes, he has moved out to live independently while at Uni. He’s enjoying the independence.

OP posts:
pointythings · 30/05/2022 08:53

It does sound as if your relationship with your DD has spectacularly broken down, and either there's something going on with her mental health or there would be a very different story if she were on here telling the tale. On the financial front I'd be giving her a set allowance a month and no more, but she is technically still in school, not university.

Your comparisons with your DS do make him sound like he's your golden boy and that isn't a healthy family dynamic to have. Much work will be needed to mend your family.

Mumoblue · 30/05/2022 08:54

I think I had a VERY different upbringing to most on MN because I was surprised you were paying for a 19 year old’s phone in the first place.

I think you should tell your daughter that you want to have a relationship with her and you’re sad that so much of it has become about money, but that she is an adult and needs to be making plans to support herself. I don’t think you should cut her off, but I think you should (reasonably) give her a date which the financial support is going to come to an end. Most 19 year olds I know are paying for their own phones and clothes and also paying keep to their parents if they are still at home.