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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut DD off?

530 replies

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 07:27

DD is 18 (just). She’s been living pretty much at her boyfriend’s house for months now.

She informed me the other week that she doesn’t live at home anymore and so we’d have to pay her to babysit/dog sit for our weekend away. Weekend away had been booked for over a year. We were left with no choice but to stump up cash (we were already paying for a takeaway for her and the BF) or lose hundreds of pounds of concert tickets/hotel.

She sent me a text on Saturday about needing new jeans. I didn’t respond. She then phoned me yesterday screaming down the phone that I’m abusive and neglectful and leaving her without clothes. Two weeks ago I gave her £50 to buy summer clothes for the holiday we are taking her on in July. She is constantly asking for small bits of cash here and there (tampons, printer credit for college, things like that that she knows we won’t say no to) and DH and I have just realised this adds up to £155 so far this month…

I’m done. I’m about ready to say fine, you’ve moved out, no more monthly bus pass, pocket money, clothes, takeaways. She works five hours a week and could work more. She smokes and drinks. She’s using us purely as a bank and only contacts us when she needs a top up. I also really really don’t want to take her on holiday but that’s a sunk cost and at least it’s AI so she won’t be asking for cash.

OP posts:

toastedbagiel · 30/05/2022 08:29

Badgirlriri · 30/05/2022 08:21

In the real world, I don’t know any parents who hand over £200 a month allowance to their adult child, especially when they don’t even live at home. We’ve all had to work to support our lifestyle choices.
This must be just in “MN world” where everyone is a high earner 🙄

Have you never heard of university?

Oblomov22 · 30/05/2022 08:29

Presumably this isn't the first time she's been abusive? Have you spoken to her many times before about the abusive way she talks to you? How does she respond?

ancientgran · 30/05/2022 08:30

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 08:22

We don’t get child benefit.

Im making it about money because that’s what she’s making it about. We have zero relationship and she’s made it very clear she is only interested in us when there’s something in it for her. This is not for want of trying. I’ve begged and pleaded for her to come home.

I have had a conversation with the BFs mother about all of this and she just said that DD is adorable and she’s very happy to have her at theirs. I don’t know what else I can do.

We can’t afford to give her more money and I’m not prepared to fund her smoking and drinking, which is what she spends it on.

So you are happy for your child to be fed and housed by another family while she is in sixth form? I'd be ashamed.

Rosehugger · 30/05/2022 08:30

If she wants to live elsewhere then the best thing is to let her go but to let her know that you love her and that she is welcome at home at any time. You still need to support her financially and also offer money to the other parents.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 30/05/2022 08:30

toastedbagiel · 30/05/2022 08:29

Have you never heard of university?

Show quote history

Quite. I got £500 pcm while at uni. I also worked two jobs to top it up.

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 08:30

We have zero relationship

With all due respect op, WTAF are you doing posting a thread about whether to cut your child off completely over a pair of levis, and not addressing the more serious underlying issue. You have in your own words ZERO relationship with your child.
This is is what needs to be addressed no?
Not the money.
You stand to lose your child indefinitely, you seem to not be particularly bothered by this prospect, why on earth not?

I would be broken hearted, but not for the same reason as you.

How has it come to this?
I have an almost eighteen year old, also in sixth form and I can not imagine how she would manage on her own, she is still a kid. You have left her to cope on her own, and pulled up the drawbridge. I hope you know what you are doing, and what this means for the future op.

whowhatwerewhy · 30/05/2022 08:30

@Bluueberrryy

There are lots of young adults , even 16 year olds who choose to or are forced to live independently.
Schools and colleges are able to access support for them , be it counselling, housing, benefits.
Ops DD has chosen to live independently so rightly or wrongly she's entitled to access the benefits system.
She might not get anything as she lives with BF and has a part time Job, I also presume is given her child benefits.

She's not living with her parents at what age does op stop paying for her ?

My own DS has just turned 18 and will live rent free and be fed . However he's now responsible for paying for his own hobbies . Should he leave home I won't be subsidising him .

KangarooKenny · 30/05/2022 08:30

The OP shouldn’t have to pay the boyfriends parents to stay there as the DD has chosen to move out, she has a home with her family where there is food/washing machine/hot water etc, she chooses not to live there. If the boyfriend’s parents want money ( and they should get it for having her there ) the DD needs to work and pay it.

Mellowyellow222 · 30/05/2022 08:32

Badgirlriri · 30/05/2022 08:21

In the real world of course some parents can’t afford or chose not to support teenagers. But many do.

lots of 18 years olds are in university. Some get no help from parents but a lot do.

the real world isn’t just your personal experience of it.

my parents weren’t wealthy but paid for transport, clothes, text books, and money for drinks and snacks when I was at uni. I lived at home so they fed and housed me too and provided toiletries. I had a part time job to cover socialising.

people in my year had varying feels of financial support - some came from poorer backgrounds and had to survive on loans and part time work. That was really tough and I know one friend took 15 years to get out of debt from it (and this was before fees).

Original poster

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 08:32

Where have I said I’m happy for her to be housed elsewhere?

They don’t want any money from us.

She is the one telling me she’s moved out and doesn’t live with us. But she still wants us to pay for her. She can’t have it both ways.

OP posts:

spotcheck · 30/05/2022 08:32

OPis your partner her father?
Do they get on?

She is just 18 now, but has been living at her boyfriends for a year- so when she was newly 17?
Of course you could have stopped her?
I too am wondering why your (then) 16/17 year old went to live with another family, and you'd not met them. Wtf? And you just let her go? And you don't give them any money for her keep?

If my daughter did this, I would be spending some serious time trying to repair the relationship.

SarahProblem · 30/05/2022 08:33

Tough one (not helped by the drip feed of info)
Overall I think YANBU. I get that some parents subsidise their kids at uni but not mindlessly regardless of the situation and relationship.

I think she's behaving irrationally which makes me think there's a backstory.

I would suggest you still provide the essentials e.g. the bus pass /money and nothing else and do so for a fixed period e.g. whilst she's in sixth form. Send money to the bfs mum not her. Tell DD that her behaviour towards you is not acceptable and that you want to talk about it in person and your door is open.

Don't give top ups that's where you're going wrong, set an amount and a fixed period when it will end and say to DD you want to talk in person. Let her come to you.

FiveNineFive · 30/05/2022 08:34

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 08:32

Where have I said I’m happy for her to be housed elsewhere?

They don’t want any money from us.

She is the one telling me she’s moved out and doesn’t live with us. But she still wants us to pay for her. She can’t have it both ways.

So will you not financially support her if she goes to university?

ancientgran · 30/05/2022 08:34

whowhatwerewhy · 30/05/2022 08:30

@Bluueberrryy

She's not living with her parents at what age does op stop paying for her ?

My own DS has just turned 18 and will live rent free and be fed . However he's now responsible for paying for his own hobbies . Should he leave home I won't be subsidising him .

If she was living with one parent the NRP would still be paying. I wonder if the other family could go to CMS as her family should be financially supporting her.

If parents aren't getting child benefit is that because they are high earners?

CaptSkippy · 30/05/2022 08:34

OP, your daughter sounds a little spoiled.

I think you are doing the right thing, although I do think you should not have let it come this far.

I paid all my own way at uni. My parents sometimes gave me something, but I was never expecting it and I was always greatful. I took pride in financing my own life. Seems like your daughter needs to learn how to adult pronto.

NotSorry · 30/05/2022 08:34

Mistystar99 · 30/05/2022 08:22

Couldn't Golden Boy at university come back for the weekend to look after your ten year old and dogs?

that's a really unpleasant and an unnecessary comment to an OP who is clearly struggling

converseandjeans · 30/05/2022 08:35

I think as she is still in 6th form you should pay board to boyfriends parents to cover her food & other expenses like her use of hot water.

I also think you need to pay her a set allowance - bus pass, phone plus money for clothes isn't unreasonable.

I don't think many 18 year olds would be keen to babysit and dog sit. Don't you have other family?

She does sound rude - but I think YABU to not support her properly.

Original poster

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 08:35

I have not left her to support herself or pulled up the drawbridge.

She has a home here. Her bedroom is still her bedroom. She chooses not to stay. She comes home to grab shampoo and anything else she needs, in all respects she still lives here but in her head because she stays every night with the BF that means she’s moved out.

OP posts:

ancientgran · 30/05/2022 08:36

KangarooKenny · 30/05/2022 08:30

All of that would be costing her parents money if she was at home so they should have some spare money to contribute to their own child's keep.

SueSaid · 30/05/2022 08:37

'For context, DS is at Uni and working. Apart from a couple of hundred pounds to top up his rent he has never asked us for money. He came home yesterday with ripped trainers because he can’t afford new ones. He won’t take money from us. It’s really hard not to compare them.'

I wonder if 'it’s really hard not to compare them' has been a theme growing up and may be behind her resentment?

Op. She is 18 and in full time education. Nrps still pay child maintenance in these circumstances so you should also financially support her. That does indeed mean paying her allowance plus money for everyday things like clothes.

You need to forget about nitpicking over fags etc and try to sit her down and mend your very fractured relayinshop before she goes nc for good.

BadWolf2022 · 30/05/2022 08:38

I don't think you should pay board. End of the day she has a home with you.. she chooses not to stay with you. She's 18, legally an adult. She works, so could pay board for herself yet deems clothes, smoking and drinking is more important.

Why should OP struggle to pay more for DD when DD can support herself yet chooses not too? She needs to learn a valuable lesson here - she won't if OP throws money at her.

NoGoodUsernamee · 30/05/2022 08:38

I mean her behaviour sounds awful, especially demanding money for the dog sitting that is so greedy and not at all how family should act. But no I wouldn’t cut her off. 18 year olds CAN be horrible, selfish little arseholes. Hopefully she’ll come back round to nice in time. But I’d definitely be stricter.

NettleTea · 30/05/2022 08:38

if she does not have parental support, which it could be said is the situation if you cut her right off, she would be entitled to universal credit, even if in education. There is a chance that she MIGHT be eligible for some housing help too - which could go to the BF's mum, although if she is living with him at his parents home, thats less clear cut.

That might be the way to go - but it would need a conversation. She would also possibly qualify for a bursary from her college, which would pay for things like travel, books and lunch, and possibly more.

Thats would make her entirely independant, and would mean that you are viewing her as an adult. You may need to help her with forms/applications, but at least it would be a clean break.

KangarooKenny · 30/05/2022 08:38

ancientgran · 30/05/2022 08:36

All of that would be costing her parents money if she was at home so they should have some spare money to contribute to their own child's keep.

Show quote history

No, I disagree.

Original poster

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 08:38

She also comes home to do her washing.

She hasn’t moved out in any meaningful way. She just thinks it means she doesn’t have to do anything with us, spend any time with us, do any chores or favours.

OP posts:

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