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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut DD off?

530 replies

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 07:27

DD is 18 (just). She’s been living pretty much at her boyfriend’s house for months now.

She informed me the other week that she doesn’t live at home anymore and so we’d have to pay her to babysit/dog sit for our weekend away. Weekend away had been booked for over a year. We were left with no choice but to stump up cash (we were already paying for a takeaway for her and the BF) or lose hundreds of pounds of concert tickets/hotel.

She sent me a text on Saturday about needing new jeans. I didn’t respond. She then phoned me yesterday screaming down the phone that I’m abusive and neglectful and leaving her without clothes. Two weeks ago I gave her £50 to buy summer clothes for the holiday we are taking her on in July. She is constantly asking for small bits of cash here and there (tampons, printer credit for college, things like that that she knows we won’t say no to) and DH and I have just realised this adds up to £155 so far this month…

I’m done. I’m about ready to say fine, you’ve moved out, no more monthly bus pass, pocket money, clothes, takeaways. She works five hours a week and could work more. She smokes and drinks. She’s using us purely as a bank and only contacts us when she needs a top up. I also really really don’t want to take her on holiday but that’s a sunk cost and at least it’s AI so she won’t be asking for cash.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 30/05/2022 08:14

Threetulips · 30/05/2022 08:08

You need to stop - she’s left home she can claim benefits to get her through college or increase her working hours.

Yes she’s young so she should learn fast!

Just say no. I wouldn’t pay her via fare either especially if the other family are taking her on. Who knows what they’re paying - and there certainly isn’t any incentive for them to send her home.

‘No sorry I don’t have it’

And rather than losing the holiday money, perhaps let your 10 year old invite a friend instead.

She wouldn't be able to claim benefits while studying full-time.

Bluueberrryy · 30/05/2022 08:15

whowhatwerewhy · 30/05/2022 08:04

Yes cut her money off .
She's 18 and an adult, look into what benefits she can get . In some circumstances 18 year olds can clam . Should you get child benefits for her I would give her that and only that .
She's wants to live independently as an adult why should you pay

So the state should support her? Why?

HillCrestingGoat · 30/05/2022 08:16

There is a massive backstory to this. If I remember correctly the previous post was about her apparently being stranded so she rang her boyfriend's mother to collect her in the middle of the night when actually she had been offered a lift by her own mother but chose to decline it and didn't want to spend money on a taxi.

I wouldn't take her on holiday, she will be an absolute nightmare. You need to cut her off, from X date she has to pay for her own phone and bus pass to college. She cannot scream abuse at you and expect you to put your hand in your pocket. However, I am sure you were advised to tell the boyfriend's mother the truth about that stranded night incident and you should. She is lying to them to get sympathy and do the whole poor me act.

ancientgran · 30/05/2022 08:16

So you have an 18 year old in sixth form, another family are feeding and housing her but you buy her a bus pass and some pocket money. I think you are getting away pretty cheaply. If she was living with you and you were claiming support from a NRP you'd probably be getting more and people on here would say you weren't getting enough.

Do you get child benefit for her or have you let the other family have that.

You seem much more focused on money than your daughter. Sounds very sad.

BadWolf2022 · 30/05/2022 08:19

I would tell her to work more hours and that you won't be paying for her anymore.

Why does she need pocket money? She's not 13! She has a job and doesn't even live with you. She's taking the piss and she knows that.

Moodycow78 · 30/05/2022 08:20

Things have obviously changed a bit fron when I was younger. Parents supported you while you were at home but once you're 18 and make the decision to move out then your parents aren't responsible for you anymore. Fine if she wants to come home and treat you with some respect but if she's made the choice to move out then that's her choice. I wouldn't cut her off completely as she's in college but set a monthly amount and stick to it. Tell her you'll knock £5 off next month's allowance every time she's rude to you.

MagicTurtle · 30/05/2022 08:20

I wouldn't cut her off, no. Many teens have bad relationships with their parents but manage to find their way back at some point. Don't burn your bridges OP.

I would give her a monthly allowance and refuse to top it up with extras. I would not engage with her when she is being unpleasant but tell her the door is always open for her to come home if she wants to.

Lovemusic33 · 30/05/2022 08:20

A tough one and I haven’t read the whole thread.

My dd is the same age, I remember being 18 but my life was much easier than 18 year olds now, I was working full time so had my own money, my dd is still in education (going to uni this year) and I will still be financially supporting her in many ways unless she finds a job. You say she’s at college but you also say ‘she could work more hours’? If she’s at college I think working 5 hours a week is ok.

It sounds like she has a lot of anger towards you but she also wants you to financially support her? She needs to realise that if she has moved out then she needs to be finding ways to support herself, if she can’t then she should be moving back. I do think she’s right and wanting to be paid to look after the dog or her sibling (why shouldn’t she be paid?) but she needs to be buying her own clothes.

I would be worried about what happens when it ends with the boyfriend, where will she go? I would want my dd to feel comfortable in coming back home if she needed too.

Mirrorball2022 · 30/05/2022 08:20

0utwitted · 30/05/2022 07:30

Id be v annoyed about her letting you down wrt dog sitting, but having a 19 year old, i wonder why on earth she is living with her bf? Is it more convenient? Very young to have moved out imo

Plenty people move out at 18 to go to uni or even just a house hard with friends/BF. I lived at home until 20 and I was working and was self efficient even when living at home. Including paying rent at home! Doing my own washing etc.I’ve never had money from my parents since I was earning at 16/17. Apart from birthdays/Xmas maybe

She sounds like a bit entitled to me. She’s obviously in the flushes of love and wants to be with her boyfriend all the time: pretty normal. Hardly from the first post does op paint a bad unwanted home situation like some posters are insinuating.

I think a sit down chat is needed to clear the air and set some boundaries about what financial help she needs. Treat her like an adult she appears she wants to be. I wouldn’t cut her off . Give her an allowance if you need to for basic clothes/toiletries and tell her once it’s spent that’s it. She’s an adult she needs to learn to budget, she also needs to work more to get the things we want. Like we all have done.

Are her boyfriends family aware she moved in or are they not happy either?

Badgirlriri · 30/05/2022 08:21

In the real world, I don’t know any parents who hand over £200 a month allowance to their adult child, especially when they don’t even live at home. We’ve all had to work to support our lifestyle choices.
This must be just in “MN world” where everyone is a high earner 🙄

iloveeverykindofcat · 30/05/2022 08:22

Really young, but already living with her boyfriend? She can't have it both ways.

That's how I feel. I moved out at 18 (200 miles away...) and from that day onwards did not expect a penny from my mother. If she chose to assist me at any point in my life I was grateful just as I have at times chosen to help her in various ways - but I wouldn't have dreamed of demanding it. How has it gotten to this point? Why is she so angry with you? There's clearly some kind of major backstory here.There seems to be a weird consensus on MN that 18 is not an adult. I was very much an adult at 18 and so were most people I know.

LemonPalmTree · 30/05/2022 08:22

I remember your previous thread. I would most definitely not be taking her on holiday with you, it’ll be all about her. She hasn’t got a civil word to say to you at home - I’d write her portion off and consider it money well spent to holiday without her

Original poster

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 08:22

We don’t get child benefit.

Im making it about money because that’s what she’s making it about. We have zero relationship and she’s made it very clear she is only interested in us when there’s something in it for her. This is not for want of trying. I’ve begged and pleaded for her to come home.

I have had a conversation with the BFs mother about all of this and she just said that DD is adorable and she’s very happy to have her at theirs. I don’t know what else I can do.

We can’t afford to give her more money and I’m not prepared to fund her smoking and drinking, which is what she spends it on.

OP posts:

Mistystar99 · 30/05/2022 08:22

Couldn't Golden Boy at university come back for the weekend to look after your ten year old and dogs?

Coachwork · 30/05/2022 08:22

The full time education is a huge drip feed. In that case yes you should be supporting her.

Rosehugger · 30/05/2022 08:22

At 18, she's having a go at being independent but needs you to have her back. She isn't going to get it right, it's kind of a safe trial of independence just now while she matures. I think it would be best if you had a proper conversation with her about expectations and what you are and aren't going to pay for, rather than screeching at one another. Paying her to look after the pets/house may be a good compromise - provided she does actually look after them and the house and behaves responsibly. Then she can get her jeans, and you get your break.

Mellowyellow222 · 30/05/2022 08:22

I agree there is a lot broken in This relationship.

OP’s daughter lives with another family who OP has only meet once. I am sure they have views about OP’s parental and financial support of this girl.

her daughter is filled with anger - why?

OP hasn’t expressed any concern about why is going on with her daughter. How cutting her off will impact their relationship and her studies. How precarious it is for her daughter to rely on a boyfriends parents for financial support (they feed and house her for free).

ehy OP hasn’t offered the other parents money for food.

wjy her son can’t ask his parents for financial help - why it is considered a badge of honour that her son won’t ask for new shoes when they are falling apart?

either OP is on her knees financially or has a very damaged relationship with money.

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 08:23

She is barely eighteen, she has no access to benefits because she is in college full time, she is entirely dependent on another family to house and feed her (I assume op is not contributing, I am sure we would know if she was) Although they clearly draw the line at clothing her. Op is not even prepared to do that.

If something goes awry with that relationship she could end up homeless, the power balance in a teen relationship like that would worry me greatly. She is struggling at college so much she failed her first year. We have no idea how op has treated her child, we only hear about screaming - but I very much doubt it is one sided, it never is.

Would you wholesale hand over your mothering, parenting and financial responsibility for your child to another family without a backward glance? Something is deeply wrong with this situation beyond what op is telling us.

Leaving the family home at such a young age smacks of desperation to me.

Lalliella · 30/05/2022 08:23

Why does she say she hates you?
Why do you want to cut her off rather than try to fix things?
Shes very young to be leaving home, this whole thing sounds very sad.

C152 · 30/05/2022 08:24

I would cut her off financially. She's an adult (although she's behaving like a spoiled brat), she's moved out and she clearly sees family responsibilities as a financial transaction only.

I would also cancel her ticket for the holiday. As you say, it's a sunk cost anyway, so why bring her when she will probably ruin the trip for you. (Let's face it, even if you don't give her spending money whilst away, she will whine/scream/behave badly because of this.) Accept you've lost the money, but don't leave room open for the holiday to be ruined.

Perhaps this will the the sharp shock she needs to start acting her age.

Rosehugger · 30/05/2022 08:25

Badgirlriri · 30/05/2022 08:21

Nonsense. Supporting your child in FT education while they live away from.home is something almost all parents do whose kids continue in education.

CharSiu · 30/05/2022 08:25

My psychologist friend told me that children that say to the faces of their parents that they hate them are very secure in the knowledge that their parents love them. Children that are genuinely scared of their parents would never shout this in their face due to fear.

I wouldn’t totally cut her off financially but there would be zero top ups.

Can you think of any reason why she is like this? I find MN always wants a definitive answer of an incident. Very often peoples behaviour is because of a set of circumstances but sometimes there is no discernible reason.

AnotherEmma · 30/05/2022 08:26

Why don't you get child benefit? Do you or your husband earn more than £50k/year?

i agree with PPs there seems to be more to this.

Lalliella · 30/05/2022 08:27

It’s really hard not to compare them. Maybe that’s the root of the problem.

Original poster

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 08:27

Mellowyellow222 · 30/05/2022 08:22

I agree there is a lot broken in This relationship.

OP’s daughter lives with another family who OP has only meet once. I am sure they have views about OP’s parental and financial support of this girl.

her daughter is filled with anger - why?

ehy OP hasn’t offered the other parents money for food.

wjy her son can’t ask his parents for financial help - why it is considered a badge of honour that her son won’t ask for new shoes when they are falling apart?

either OP is on her knees financially or has a very damaged relationship with money.

It’s not a badge of honour, he just never mentioned it and when DH picked him up he commented and DS just said oh I didn’t have any spare cash, it’s fine. DH said we’ll buy you trainers and DS said not to bother. He will now be working full time until he goes back and will have the funds himself.

OP posts:

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