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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cut DD off?

530 replies

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 07:27

DD is 18 (just). She’s been living pretty much at her boyfriend’s house for months now.

She informed me the other week that she doesn’t live at home anymore and so we’d have to pay her to babysit/dog sit for our weekend away. Weekend away had been booked for over a year. We were left with no choice but to stump up cash (we were already paying for a takeaway for her and the BF) or lose hundreds of pounds of concert tickets/hotel.

She sent me a text on Saturday about needing new jeans. I didn’t respond. She then phoned me yesterday screaming down the phone that I’m abusive and neglectful and leaving her without clothes. Two weeks ago I gave her £50 to buy summer clothes for the holiday we are taking her on in July. She is constantly asking for small bits of cash here and there (tampons, printer credit for college, things like that that she knows we won’t say no to) and DH and I have just realised this adds up to £155 so far this month…

I’m done. I’m about ready to say fine, you’ve moved out, no more monthly bus pass, pocket money, clothes, takeaways. She works five hours a week and could work more. She smokes and drinks. She’s using us purely as a bank and only contacts us when she needs a top up. I also really really don’t want to take her on holiday but that’s a sunk cost and at least it’s AI so she won’t be asking for cash.

OP posts:
Mellowyellow222 · 30/05/2022 07:47

there Are two issues here - which are linked.

her behaviour and her finically support.

a lot of kids move out to go to university. They are still supported by their parents.

you seem to think if she doesn’t live at home you no longer have to help her out? Would you feel the same if she was in halls of residence?

the amount you have given her seems quite modest g- how does she cover food and rent etc?

second her behaviour is dreadful.

sit her down, have a talk about what support you are willing to give her while she is in full time education and what you expect in return.

Original poster
BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 07:47

She earns a couple of hundred a month. We give her £50 allowance. Bus pass is £70, phone contract £20 (paid by us).

The money she constantly asks for is on top of this.

OP posts:
Keepitrealnomists · 30/05/2022 07:47

If she's moved out she needs to support herself. You need to be clear about the level of support you are willing to give her (none) and let her get on with it. She sounds like an entitled brat.

SundayTeatime · 30/05/2022 07:47

when you say college, do you mean sixth form college, or a university? Ie, further or higher education? You should be completely supporting a young person in sixth form. At university, it’s different, but the majority of parents are expected to help there too.

toastedbagiel · 30/05/2022 07:48

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 07:47

She earns a couple of hundred a month. We give her £50 allowance. Bus pass is £70, phone contract £20 (paid by us).

The money she constantly asks for is on top of this.

You are allowed to say no. However who is paying her living costs at the boyfriends?

coffeecupsandfairylights · 30/05/2022 07:50

She shouldn't have moved in with her boyfriend if she didn't have the means to support herself. I'm really surprised by how many people would give their children money when they'd chosen to leave home and go and live with their boyfriend.

My parents helped me out as a student when I was in halls, but if then I'd decided to move in with my boyfriend, I'd definitely have been on my own!

Funding your child while they're in education and in student accommodation is very different (IMO) to funding their relationship choices!

Darbs76 · 30/05/2022 07:50

Well if she’s 18 and doesn’t live at home I don’t see why you need to be stumping up the cash for bus fares etc. If any of my children screamed down the phone at me I’d be telling them they are on their own. Disgusting behaviour

TabithaTittlemouse · 30/05/2022 07:51

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 07:47

She earns a couple of hundred a month. We give her £50 allowance. Bus pass is £70, phone contract £20 (paid by us).

The money she constantly asks for is on top of this.

I think that’s enough.
At that age if she wants more she needs to earn more.

bjjgirl · 30/05/2022 07:53

Does sound like there is a lot more to it, because it's coming across as really cold, 18 is still young and she's in education

Original poster
BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 07:53

She is living rent free at the BF parents house, they adore her and I’m pretty sure she’s fed them a line about how awful we are.

I’ve met the mum once and she gushed over how lovely DD is and how happy they are to have her. She has three sons which I think is part of it. I can’t physically drag her home.

She is in lower sixth, she failed the first year so is on her second go.

For context, DS is at Uni and working. Apart from a couple of hundred pounds to top up his rent he has never asked us for money. He came home yesterday with ripped trainers because he can’t afford new ones. He won’t take money from us. It’s really hard not to compare them.

OP posts:
NeedAHoliday2021 · 30/05/2022 07:53

I would make a set deal of £200 (what you already pay with bus pass and phone topped up to £200) and make it clear that is her full allowance with nothing more. I do think an 18 yo in full time education shouldn’t just be cut off. However, if she continues to be abusive she can pay her own phone bill etc and there’s no allowance. Set clear rules and boundaries.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 30/05/2022 07:54

get her asda jeans
dont change the locks that is an awful suggestion
communicate with each other

grapewines · 30/05/2022 07:54

If she wants to be independent and scream at you, she can save up and pay for her own clothes. Pay someone else to do the dog sitting so you can get away without relying on her. Seems she's only interested in your money at this point.

justfiveminutes · 30/05/2022 07:55

If she's 18, at college and working a few hours too, I'd still expect to see some parental support while she lives at home.

Sone of the things she needs money for - clothing, printer credit etc seem entirely appropriate to me.

However, the 'screaming' request for Levis and the request for payment to look after her own dog for a weekend does put a different spin on it.

I think you need a proper conversation about this. If she wants payment to look after her own dog in her own house, she presumably now feels that she is independent and has moved out to live with her bf. If so, she cannot expect you to continue financially supporting her. Furthermore, should she want cash, there is a polite and reasonable way of asking for it.

So - in a typical scenario I'd be suggesting a monthly allowance to top up her wages while she's in full time education, for essentials such as clothing and printer credit. But not if she now considers herself independent and speaks to you so disrespectfully. She can't have it all ways.

AnotherEmma · 30/05/2022 07:55

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 07:36

She’s at college. Only in the first year though as she failed the first first year.

She lives at the BFs because she hates us, and tells us this all the time. Before asking for cash.

I hadn't seen this when I posted.
As I said, I would continue to pay for her bus pass (assuming she needs it to get to college) and a modest allowance. But no more.

gamerchick · 30/05/2022 07:55

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 07:47

She earns a couple of hundred a month. We give her £50 allowance. Bus pass is £70, phone contract £20 (paid by us).

The money she constantly asks for is on top of this.

Stop the extras. If she gives you abuse ask her what she would like to give up that you pay for. There's no way I'd finance someone who spoke to me like that, not a chance. I know there are those on here who would take a slap off their kids and still smile and shell out everything they wanted, but personally at 18, there are expectations if you want something.

I'd have paid her for babysitting but wouldn't use her again if she took the piss and had a party.

She needs to snarl into her future and learn some lessons. She'll come back when she's grown up a bit.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 30/05/2022 07:56

I dont think you should cit her off. I think you should be doing some parenting. She moved out to her boyfriend’s having just turned 17?! Is it just her and the bf? Ir his parents? Are her boyfriend’s parents supporting her financially? Do you pay them?

Tell her you cannot continue this arrangement as it isnt working for anyone. She moves back home and focuses on her college course as she failed the first year while living with her bf. Week nights she focuses on college work. Weekends she can work and go out as she pleases. Continuing the current arrangement wont work, as she already tried it and failed. You will of course provide for her financially if she is living at home.

if she choses to move out, now she is 18 she does it properly. You will no longer be financially responsible for her at all.

tbh though £50 for summer clothes is not a lot at all. That’s one maybe two items.

grapewines · 30/05/2022 07:57

Darbs76 · 30/05/2022 07:50

Well if she’s 18 and doesn’t live at home I don’t see why you need to be stumping up the cash for bus fares etc. If any of my children screamed down the phone at me I’d be telling them they are on their own. Disgusting behaviour

Yeah. I wouldn't keep paying all this money out either.

luxxlisbon · 30/05/2022 07:57

So she moved out to her bfs house when she was 16/ almost 17?

There is clearly a huge complicated relationship to provide the backstory here as that is not normal at all.

On the face of it she is 18 and it seems reasonable to not pay for every little want but she is still at school age and so most people consider themselves still responsible for their children at that point.

Mally100 · 30/05/2022 07:57

She sounds like she is on a fast road to messing up her life. Why is she living at her bf at 18. She isn't even an adult, let alone a responsibile teenager. Have you had a good conversation with her about where her life is heading and what's her plans? Sounds like she has a head too big for her boots, and thinks she's an adult, wants to play like an adult but her behaviour is that of a spoilt brat. I wouldn't give her any money, she can go ask her bf's mum for that. She needs a good wake up call, I would be so disappointed if my dd turned out like this at 18.

ZekeZeke · 30/05/2022 07:58

She has only turned 18 and hasn't been home for a year so basically has been staying over at her boyfriends All that time. I think that's where the first mistake was.

At 17 I wouldn't have allowed this. A night here or there at the weekend yes but not every night.

At 18 she is in college and holds down a part time job -normal at that age. And what's also normal is a parent financially supporting education but the adult child working part times uses their part time job money to cover entertainment clothes.

The screaming at you is not normal behaviour and you shouldn't tolerate it, it's abusive behaviour. If she starts that, hang up on her.

Tell her you love her, the door is always open for.her but she qas the one who decided to leave home and be an adult so that's what you are letting her do. You will support her with x amount each month. End of.
No 18 year needs Levi's branded jeans

toastedbagiel · 30/05/2022 07:58

She is living rent free at the BF parents house,

And you are happy to have someone else support your daughter financially whilst pondering whether to cut her off completely yourself?

billy1966 · 30/05/2022 07:59

OP,
Are you the poster who wrote about this some months ago?

Your daughter was staying with her boyfriends family and calling his mum to collect her?

That never bought her own family Christmas gifts?

If so you have allowed this to continue on for far too long.

I would stop all money with the possible exception of her bus pass.

Text her that you will no longer be accepting any abusive phone calls and you would prefer that she didn't call at all if that's all she can do.

She is sweetness and light with the boyfriends family and a shrew with you?

Stop the gravy train.

No more money and if it continues don't bring her on holiday either.

She sounds awful and it has been tolerated for too long.

Tell her to call you when she finds some respect for you AND herself and is prepared to speak civilly.

If not, you really aren't in a rush to see her.

You have allowed her to be a rude brat for too long.

FAQs · 30/05/2022 07:59

My daughter is the same age, and also only works five hours a week on a Saturday which is fine alongside her A-Levels. I also give her the child benefit, with that she budgets her clothes and what she needs and still puts some aside for savings.

Rather than giving money on request could you provide an allowance.

Paying for dog sitting wouldn’t have happened! I’d rather have used a border.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 30/05/2022 07:59

justfiveminutes · 30/05/2022 07:55

If she's 18, at college and working a few hours too, I'd still expect to see some parental support while she lives at home.

Sone of the things she needs money for - clothing, printer credit etc seem entirely appropriate to me.

However, the 'screaming' request for Levis and the request for payment to look after her own dog for a weekend does put a different spin on it.

I think you need a proper conversation about this. If she wants payment to look after her own dog in her own house, she presumably now feels that she is independent and has moved out to live with her bf. If so, she cannot expect you to continue financially supporting her. Furthermore, should she want cash, there is a polite and reasonable way of asking for it.

So - in a typical scenario I'd be suggesting a monthly allowance to top up her wages while she's in full time education, for essentials such as clothing and printer credit. But not if she now considers herself independent and speaks to you so disrespectfully. She can't have it all ways.

But she doesn't still live at home, she's gone to live with her boyfriend.

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