To cut DD off?

[BrokenToy]

DD is 18 (just). She’s been living pretty much at her boyfriend’s house for months now.

She informed me the other week that she doesn’t live at home anymore and so we’d have to pay her to babysit/dog sit for our weekend away. Weekend away had been booked for over a year. We were left with no choice but to stump up cash (we were already paying for a takeaway for her and the BF) or lose hundreds of pounds of concert tickets/hotel.

She sent me a text on Saturday about needing new jeans. I didn’t respond. She then phoned me yesterday screaming down the phone that I’m abusive and neglectful and leaving her without clothes. Two weeks ago I gave her £50 to buy summer clothes for the holiday we are taking her on in July. She is constantly asking for small bits of cash here and there (tampons, printer credit for college, things like that that she knows we won’t say no to) and DH and I have just realised this adds up to £155 so far this month…

I’m done. I’m about ready to say fine, you’ve moved out, no more monthly bus pass, pocket money, clothes, takeaways. She works five hours a week and could work more. She smokes and drinks. She’s using us purely as a bank and only contacts us when she needs a top up. I also really really don’t want to take her on holiday but that’s a sunk cost and at least it’s AI so she won’t be asking for cash.

Hope all is still going well. Glad u were able to make this difference with her OP, thanks for coming back with such a positive update and it seems she really does want your guidance & reassurance and willing to meet you halfway. Interesting to reflect on the points made on here. As you said your ex had been abusive and never provided any financial support to her, I wondered whether that might have caused her more insecurity in the household as well as put more financial strain on you.
Some are ‘kicked out’ to live on the street or leave home early for complex reasons and we don’t necessarily know everything that may be having an effect emotionally or driving their behaviour. Imagine have an ‘illegitimate’ child at the age of 35?! Obviously it was all the indulgent mother’s fault?! What a strange post in 2022. Lots of useful advice from others who weren’t so quick to cut off a teen.

Isn't it called being part of a family? To take but to also give back?

@BrokenToy I cannot believe some of the 'judgy' comments people have put on your thread. I wonder if they would feel the same in your circumstances with such a lack of respect from one of their children.

Your DD obviously thinks she's entitled to whatever she wants, whenever she wants it, which unfortunately a lot of teenagers do nowadays.

If I were you, I'd pay her phone and bus fare, then tell her if she's not living at home she either needs to work or apply for a college bursary / loan (whatever they're called nowadays) or for benefits.

Do you think she's maybe taking recreational drugs? I only ask because it could explain some of her behaviour.

And unless you know the OP, you only have their word against their child's.

Firstly, OP asked for our opinion, so we flippin' well gave it (that's what this forum is for, by the way), and secondly, it's only right that people keep in mind that there are two sides to every story.

So a couple of updates for this thread. She has mostly stuck to the rules about staying here during the week. She’s upped her hours at work so is actually now earning about £600 a month so I’m not going to be giving her extra money on demand after she gets that first chunk of pay.

However. We had friends round on Saturday (she was at work) and we bought a takeaway. Friends paid as was their turn and left us £50 in tenners. Like a fool I left it on the side. There is now only £40. She was the only person in the house other than me.

I sent her a text when I noticed just asking if she’d seen it and within seconds she replied that it must have fallen off the shelf.

This morning I brought it up with her and just very calmly said look, I know you took it, there is no other explanation, I’d like it back. She didn’t scream and rage, just kept repeating that she didn’t. I stayed firm and just said I know you did, you have done before (cash, ciggies, expensive make up) and I’m afraid it’s obvious you did this time as well. She then segued this into how unfair it was that we had a takeaway and she didn’t get any, we’re cruel for having one without her there.

There was no real resolution. I just said I’d like to have the cash returned. She didn’t really argue, just said ‘I didn’t take it’. She did try a bit of ‘I’m really hurt you don’t trust me’ and I just said well, I’m really hurt I can’t trust you, yes.

I’m just so sad about the whole thing. She also cried off the big family Fathers Day picnic yesterday which I get is fairly standard selfish teenager stuff but DH was hurt by it.