To tell my husband to fuck off

[cinq]

I work full time as does my husband. We have 2 DC ages 9 and 5. My husband works away a lot so I have the responsibility of my own job as well as all the childcare and housework which is fine but tiring.

He’s been away on a boys trip recently and is scheduled to go on another one in a few weeks. Again, I don’t have a problem with this - we can afford it and it’s not a problem.

Here’s where I do have a problem. We are planning to go on holiday in December just after Christmas and I’ve been told by him that my MIL is joining us. I haven’t been asked - I’ve been told.

my MIL is fine in small doses but a week with her I dont think I can manage with snidey comments and just her generally being unpleasant.

i don’t want to say I’m devastated- it’s a first world problem - but I work all year, haven’t been on holiday since before the pandemic and now I’ll be on edge for a week and be spending a fortune for the privilege.

I’ve been clear with my husband that I don’t want to go with her but nothing is really sinking in with him. He just says we won’t have to do it again. I don’t want to do it at all!!!!

AIBU to tell him to just fuck off?

Based on what you have written here, no you would not be unreasonable.

I would book a holiday that you do enjoy and let him take the kids and his mother away.

Tell him you forgot that the week clashes with a planned holiday with your friend(s) but you don't want to spoil anyone's fun so they should go without you.

I'd then book myself into a spa or whatever I liked doing with some good books.

Or go on holiday with them all but bugger off out alot. Leave him to it.

I think inviting someone else to come on a family holiday should be a decision made together not landed on you.

Stay home. He can go.

@Superslide i wish I could but no one else is available at that time of the year to go away.

my friends are all mothers with toddlers, young babies and/or pregnant.

im furious that my DH and MIL have agreed this behind my back. I cannot be bothered with the idea of having to make sure she’s not left out and eating breakfast, lunch and dinner with her for a week straight. It’s just not a holiday

He's totally out of order. Either he cancels MiL, you book another holiday not long after or before to have the holiday originally agreed or as previously suggested, they all go on the holiday and you do something else. I'd be fuming OP, its disrespectful

I'd divorce him.

My in-laws turned up on one of our holidays but my DH was equally unhappy.

I wouldn't be going. He can go on his own with mummy.

I'd be furious as well and would be making sure he knew about it. It would have robbed me of a holiday.

Take yourself off on a mini break, just by yourself? Visit your family instead? Or nip off shopping, for lunch, the cinema, the library etc for several hours each day of your family holiday to get a break from MIL. Literally get up early and bugger off out until 1-2pm. Leave him to sort out the kids.

Book a holiday for yourself and a friend at a time that suits you. If dh complains tell him mil can look after the household whilst you are away. It will give her the dh the opportunity to get into the family routine when they all go together in December. Enjoy your holiday op xx

In my experience, you do sometimes need to make a point. You could go on the holiday and do your own thing. Not go and take yourself somewhere else. Not go and enjoy a quiet week at home, with or without the kids.

My DH once pulled something and I refused to participate. I fully intended to take myself and the children away for the duration of what he was imposing on me. When he realised that he would have to do all the work and entertaining and that his wife was going to leave him for those weeks, suddenly it wasn't so appealing to him and he found a way out of it.

Totally reasonable. I'd be going somewhere else, on my own if necessary.

Could you invite your DM as well? Then the two Mums could do bits (and babysit some nights!) together.
It might also not particularly suit your DH, so give him some food for thought.

My answer if in a similar situation would be an absolutely not to MIL coming on holiday and i’d refuse to go if she did. I think it’s extremely selfish of your husband to land this on you without discussion and i’d be very annoyed with him. It shows such a lack of respect for you and your needs. He gets his time away how he wants but when it comes to your one holiday he doesn’t even care enough to consult you. What’s worse, when he knows for sure how unhappy you are with this idea (and let’s face it, he’d have had a fair idea before he told you) he disregards that. Why? Because what you need doesn’t matter.

Yanbu
If my mil turned up on my holiday I’d be using her as a babysitter. Dh would have his balls on a platter.
One year we were in holiday and I looked on our cctv camera (to see all was ok whilst on holiday) and mil’s car was on the driveway. She decided to use our house as a hotel and obtained a key from fil (divorced). Dh was fuming. She’s not been welcome since.

I don't really understand how it's 'not sinking in' for him, have you outright said 'over my dead body will your mother come on our holiday' OP? If not you need to be really clear that it would completely ruin the holiday for you and it's a firm no,. Any arguments or 'but I've said yes now' comments and you remind him that he should never have said yes before speaking to you and the consequences of that are that he will need to sort it so that MIL is no longer coming.

I would struggle to get past not being consulted about my own holiday, I hope this is a one off aberration on his part and not part of a pattern of you not having a voice in your marriage OP

In mumsnet speak, he can fuck off, then fuck off a little further, then fuck off some more.

Don't go.

This is the best advice I've seen in my 10 year on MN.

I salute you.

This

I'd be livid that he did this without asking. I'd refuse to go and book another holiday for myself and dcs.

I would truly refuse to go OP. He is so unreasonable. I’d rather go on my own. Leave him to take the kids, and go on a city break. Reading, sightseeing, eat nice food and drink wine, and rest.

Let them go on holiday and you can stay at home or go somewhere by yourself

Fuck that. It should have been mooted at the holiday planning stage, not foisted on you as a fait accompli