To tell my husband to fuck off

[cinq]

I work full time as does my husband. We have 2 DC ages 9 and 5. My husband works away a lot so I have the responsibility of my own job as well as all the childcare and housework which is fine but tiring.

He’s been away on a boys trip recently and is scheduled to go on another one in a few weeks. Again, I don’t have a problem with this - we can afford it and it’s not a problem.

Here’s where I do have a problem. We are planning to go on holiday in December just after Christmas and I’ve been told by him that my MIL is joining us. I haven’t been asked - I’ve been told.

my MIL is fine in small doses but a week with her I dont think I can manage with snidey comments and just her generally being unpleasant.

i don’t want to say I’m devastated- it’s a first world problem - but I work all year, haven’t been on holiday since before the pandemic and now I’ll be on edge for a week and be spending a fortune for the privilege.

I’ve been clear with my husband that I don’t want to go with her but nothing is really sinking in with him. He just says we won’t have to do it again. I don’t want to do it at all!!!!

AIBU to tell him to just fuck off?

OP do you ever get to go away by yourself or with just friends? Or have you perhaps fallen into the trap many women do of having to accommodate the children with everything you do. If you have fallen into that trap this maybe the perfect excuse for you to take steps to get out of it by telling your husband that he can enjoy his holiday with his mother and the children since they obviously want to spend time with their gran. While you, like he has done on multiple occasions, get to have a holiday by yourself or with friends without having to worry about parenting duties.

This would pissssssss me off. And i think your DH is fully out of order and being v selfish to not consider your feelings.

Obviously it should be a joint decision but I'm a little shocked at the anger behind many of the replies. My daughter and son in law like me going away with them,I help with the kids and they like my company! The same was true of the other nana who sadly is no longer with us. We both went with them several times.
I often say no now actually,I still work at 73 and need my rest! They now have an apartment in Spain and recently went out for 2 weeks. I joined them for a long weekend which was too short with such a long journey really but otherwise a successful trip.

Grandchildren usually love their grandparents and will miss them when they aren't around.I certainly miss my in law's,dad and stepmum,lost my mum at 11. It's not 'drivel' and anyone who says that is a rather cold individual.

Some really witchy responses! They should all listen to themselves,if I was the mil of most of the women on here I wouldn't want to go on holiday with them.

Unpopular opinion but you seem to have mixed up 2 separate issues

Yes- you both deserve a break. So organise some for you - with friends or family. Or with DC1 and later with DC2. . Or go on a yoga retreat spa break. Let him cope!

It doesnt mean MIL is the witch - she is also family. She is a darling gran and mum. And easier to stomach if its not your only ever break

MN hates MIL so it is no surprise how the vote and comments go. But it is also up to us to make our families work better as we will be MIL one day!

Don't go. You have your holiday at home while DH and Granny take the kids away. That should sort both of them out for the future.

Why should @cinq give up her longed for and no doubt well deserved holiday with her husband and children ?
Her dh could give up one of his "lads" breaks and take his mother away for a short break with the children if he feels his mother needs a holiday with her grandchildren.

omg this thread is so infuriating. Based on what you have written, I would absolutely tell him to fuck off. I would leave him.
Firstly, how is it ok that he gets to goes on a second boys holiday of the year?! It’s so inconsiderate considering you have to cook, clean, take care of the children AND work and are then expected to pick up the slack some more. THEN he tells you his Mother is joining you on a family holiday without even consulting you?! 🙈🙈sorry, what?!
Yes, Fuck of husband. Do not go.
I really hope you show this to him, he needs a serious reality check.

She is a darling gran and mum

Apart from the fact she clearly isn’t. OP says she’s horrible.

Sorry!!

I had this with my DH, so i used to book and go away with my DC, Mom, Dad and Aunt. They used to help look after the DC, and I would get a well deserved Break.

Before my DH passed away I often felt that i was a single mom, as he worked away and when he was at home he spent more time with his friends than family.

I was a doormat, I never went out. I worked and looked after the DC.

This might seem horrible, but i got my freedom and own identity when he died, and I always say that if he hadn't died i would have bloody killed him.

Seriously, we would have been divorced by now. I loved him, but didn't like him, I suspect you are getting close to feeling the same.

you cope on your own now, so i would seriously think about whether this marriage is toxic for you. Would you be better on your own? would you relish the times he has the DC if you weren't together? I suspect you would come into your own if you had this freedom from him.

Only you can decide what to do, only you know your marriage, but i do think you either need to put your foot down or get out.

If you have to have a full on blazing row to get your point across, then do. sometimes its the only way to clear the air. but i would get someone to look after the kids while you have the talk in case it does get 'shouty'

The thing is @Gingernan - you're not, so it's unclear why you are identifying so hard with OP's MiL.

Unless you too can't spend 2 hours with your DiL without biting her head off, you are clearly nothing like OP's MiL, so I'm not sure why you are getting your knitting in a knot.

It's Mumsnet - MILs are always villains.

That said, it's cheeky as fuck that the husband didn't ask beforehand. I don't understand what goes through some people's heads when they decide stuff like this unilaterally.

You are being perfectly reasonable! I’d be fuming.

Book yourself on some sort of retreat alone. Let him and his mother look after the kids.

Ugghhhh
Very annoying. Definitely let him know your feelings. Why on earth would he not ask, its your holiday too and you'd rather not have to entertain anyone. What did he ask without saying to you ?
Was a relaxed convo with his mother, for example ' oh were going on holiday after Christmas if you fancied a wee break'

I feel your pain and dread the day I have to holiday with MIL lol

I hear where you're coming from @Gingernan . However,,, I do believe it's different when it's your daughter. There is something different about men not really caring if MIL are on holiday/staying in their house with them, completely different for a daughter in law to have her husbands parent on holiday...

My husband has a few sisters, who's mother sleeps over a few nights a week in each to help mind their children.... I can say that I do not want this :/, I don't need anyone sleeping over being a nanny, and I don't want that, I'd feel very watched upon or feel like I had to entertain constantly.

It may not make sense but I know a lot feel like this 😊

You should he is the one being unreasonable I know how you feel my Great MIL is a right b* * * *.

Okay. So I would not be missing my well deserved and long awaited holiday because H is a selfish, thoughtless, inconsiderate .
I would tell him no, MIL is not coming on your family holiday so the choices are for him to tell her that (without throwing you under the bus) and you go as a family of four as planned, or he can choose to holiday with her at the same time as you go on planned holiday with your DC but that will say all that needs saying about your marriage, which, to be perfectly frank, sounds like it needs to be over anyway.
Sod missing out on your holiday because of him and sod missing out on holidaying with your own children.
Seriously, please stand up for yourself. For your sake and your children's. If nothing else, think of the example they are being set by him treating you like you don't matter and you accepting it.
Sending you love, strength and courage, OP. You matter, please remember that.

Stand your ground explain your wasn’t asked and no your not going. I would totally refuse. Any more pressure on you I would ask for a divorce. That will get his attention. Let us know how it all works out.

Book your MiL on your H's next boys' trip.
he is obviously desperate to spend ttime with her

I wonder whether the OP will ever return or if she has indeed told her arse of a DH to 'fuck of'.

Change your details to MIL and book yourself on a separate flight that leaves at the same time going somewhere else.

Depending what and where the holiday is leaves you with a number of options,
if it is abroad go but find out all the things mil does not like doing hen you do them, evenings babysitter covered mil (gives her more time with grandkids) Defo no sex she might hear even if she is in a different room/hotel Don't feel well MIL and DH will have to take kids out all day so you can have peace and quite. Foods she does not like grow a passion for bonus points if kids like them as well.
This country invite friends, relatives along for a day or two, get them to ring you long calls, also calls from work . not feeling well don`t want to spoil holiday you will go home and leave them in peace so they can enjoy the rest of the holiday. About a week after they get back book a holiday for just you and DH cause MIL seemed to enjoying looking after kids so you know she wont mind having them for a few days.

Of course she won't. She will wash and pack everything for everyone, be an absolute martyr on holiday and then come back here to complain about it.