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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband to fuck off

333 replies

cinq · 29/05/2022 23:13

I work full time as does my husband. We have 2 DC ages 9 and 5. My husband works away a lot so I have the responsibility of my own job as well as all the childcare and housework which is fine but tiring.

He’s been away on a boys trip recently and is scheduled to go on another one in a few weeks. Again, I don’t have a problem with this - we can afford it and it’s not a problem.

Here’s where I do have a problem. We are planning to go on holiday in December just after Christmas and I’ve been told by him that my MIL is joining us. I haven’t been asked - I’ve been told.

my MIL is fine in small doses but a week with her I dont think I can manage with snidey comments and just her generally being unpleasant.

i don’t want to say I’m devastated- it’s a first world problem - but I work all year, haven’t been on holiday since before the pandemic and now I’ll be on edge for a week and be spending a fortune for the privilege.

I’ve been clear with my husband that I don’t want to go with her but nothing is really sinking in with him. He just says we won’t have to do it again. I don’t want to do it at all!!!!

AIBU to tell him to just fuck off?

OP posts:
comfortablyfrumpy · 30/05/2022 07:54

He just hasn't thought of you at all.

It is ok for him, it's his Mum and he has other holidays booked. This is your first holiday in 2 years and his Mum has form for being difficult with you.

Honestly I would tell him you are not going. Book yourself for somewhere you want to go (not necessarily the same week) and go without him.

He isn't considering you at all in this, how selfish is he.

SkiingIsHeaven · 30/05/2022 07:55

This happened to me. Worst holiday ever. I just kept saying I felt ill and hid in the bedroom.

Not fun at all but better than going to jail for murder.

VintageVest · 30/05/2022 07:56

Just uninvite her yourself. That's what I'd do.

MarvellousMay · 30/05/2022 07:57

No is a complete sentence.

YANBU. I wouldn’t go. Is it too late to cancel?

Paddingtonthebear · 30/05/2022 07:57

I’d ask him why he has invited her? Is she on her own? it because it’s close to Xmas and he feels guilty? What is the driving factor here?

Then i’d need to know why he thought he didn’t need to ask you. I suspect it’s because he thinks you’ll just have to go along with it if he’s already agreed it.

Then I’d be asking what his plan is if you don’t agree with it. To go anyway without you? Or to cancel it? What is the priority here in his mind?

I feel for you because if you rock the boat here then it’s all on you isn’t it? You are causing the scene, you are disappointing MIL and H, it’s awkward to explain to your kids if the holiday is cancelled. He’s just landed it all on you as if it’s totally reasonable.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I’d be really pissed off in your shoes and would be reconsidering how easy it is for your husband to go away on trips and holidays all the time without you.

CatsAreCrackers · 30/05/2022 07:58

If my husband did this to me I would calmly say to him "Either I come or your mother does. Take your pick. You've got an hour to decide. If you don't /won't make a decision I will be booking a holiday for myself and you and your mum can take the children together."

Myleakycauldron · 30/05/2022 08:05

He needs to retract the offer, immediately. And leave it up to him how he softens the blow to her. It's not for you to suck it up

HairyMclaryz · 30/05/2022 08:08

Hmm. My first husband had regular “boys trips”. With hindsight, I know that was was a right little twat and so were “the boys”.

So, there is projection here but I see this as a bad sign, in adult men with families. That fact that they refer to each other as “boys” speaks volumes anyway. My ex used to tell me “You could go away too, with ‘the girls’”… As if he was doing me some sort of favour! Except I was busy bringing up young children, as were my friends. Even if I had friends who wanted a trip away, I actually wanted a holiday with my DC, I wanted family time.

My ex-H also made unilateral decisions at times and totally ignored my response, because he lived in a reality where his needs and wants always came first. I felt powerless.

Your DH is not treating you as if you are equal in your marriage, as if you are a team. Why is he the more important one in the relationship? (And he certainly thinks he is, looking at his behaviour.)

Why is he still going on trips away when you haven’t had a family holiday in 2 years? If you have the money for multiple trips, why doesn’t he ask bloody MIL to babysit so you can two can have a long weekend away?

I understand the advice about not going, or going and just heading out for the days alone. But I think that is unlikely to happen. Because I imagine you are looking forward to the experience of taking your DC on holiday and seeing their enjoyment.

The only alternative I can think of here - and this depends on finances - us to book an all inclusive for just you and DC. A little bit daunting, but if you pick a really family oriented resort (with kids clubs so you do get some downtime!) then you could have a proper break. This could really take your DH by surprise.

You could use the time to really think about what you want your future to look like. Can you afford to end your marriage? How much maintenance would he need to pay? You can use entitled to calculator to look at your income and what the effect of reducing your hours would be if necessary, or to see help towards childcare costs if you would be eligible.

Eddielizzard · 30/05/2022 08:11

I would give him the choice: MIL or me. And I would also book to go away with friends. You have to force things to be more equitable. He's not going to do it on his own. He's showing you just how much consideration he's prepared to give you.

Knittingchamp · 30/05/2022 08:14

420Bruh · 29/05/2022 23:20

Stay home. He can go.

100% this! If he wants her to come, he can host the holiday and you go off on your own and get the holiday you want, a well earned break. Noone gets to TELL you this kind of thing.

balalake · 30/05/2022 08:14

I don't believe for one minute it would be the last time MIL would come on holiday with you, unless very limited in mobility or likely to die in the next couple of years, which you would I am sure know about.

Whoever it is, MIL or another relative, you should have been consulted first.

C152 · 30/05/2022 08:16

No, YANBU. If you can afford it, I'd book a separate holiday for yourself somewhere else and let him holiday with the kids and his mother. If you can't afford it, I just wouldn't go at all, or I would make it clear he is looking after the children full time on holiday, I would get up at the crack of dawn and go out for breakfast, stay out for the entire day, including dinner and only come home to sleep.

Vikinga · 30/05/2022 08:21

He can't just invite someone on your family holiday without checking with you. Tell him to bring her to his lads holiday.

Do not give in.

MzHz · 30/05/2022 08:23

Is there and Airbnb (or similar) nearby - i.e accessible from the airport you fly into?

I think I read a thread that was similar and that’s what she did.

tell him to cancel his mother or you will leave him to it, once you’re at the destination head off to taxi rank and tell him you will see him back at the airport at the end of the holiday

MuchoMistrust · 30/05/2022 08:23

I wouldn't go

No chance

CaptSkippy · 30/05/2022 08:25

cinq · 30/05/2022 01:15

He seems to think he can’t upset her feelings but mine are fair game.

i spent two hours with her on Saturday and couldn’t deal with her comments and general unpleasant which gets worse after a few drinks. A week will see me apoplectic with rage and no amount of all inclusive cocktails will help.

Wow, OP. Why are you having her over at all? I once kicked my own parents out of my house because they were being horrible all weekend. Most liberating thing I have ever done.

It's your house you don't have to accept ruide behavior in it.

Trivester · 30/05/2022 08:36

Why is any of your OP fine? YABU to accept any of these conditions.

I’m not one to advocate leaving a marriage but I can’t see how your life would be different if you were single. Except that you’d have every other weekend free and no mil to insult you.

But it’s easy to say just LTB. You’re enabling him to treat you like shit with this internalised cool wide misogyny. It is not fine to do all the house work and childcare while your husband lives the life of a selfish bachelor.

Until you raise your standards, you’ll only bring the same problems to another relationship.

Lalliella · 30/05/2022 08:36

He is obviously beyond unreasonable, but can I ask why you aren’t going on holiday until December? If he can have 2 lads’ holidays why can’t you have a family holiday before then, in the summer? It seems very unfair on you and the kids that your husband gets 2 holidays and the 3 of you don’t get one for ages.

DameHelena · 30/05/2022 08:39

Well, obviously YANBU.
Tell him straight: ‘If she is going on this holiday, I am not.’
and if he asks you about any arrangements/passports/things to buy for it etc, check with him whether she’s been put off yet, and if she hasn’t, tell him it’s not your holiday or your responsibility.

Marvellousmadness · 30/05/2022 08:51

Yabu as you didnt shut the whole thing down straight away

Make it clear that either you go on a family holiday. Or HE is going with his mil and youll go on your own holiday.

Make it clear !!!

Cherrysoup · 30/05/2022 08:59

Is it all booked/paid for? I would wave him off with the dc and tell him have fun. Lovely restful week at home.

diddl · 30/05/2022 09:01

I cannot be bothered with the idea of having to make sure she’s not left out and eating breakfast, lunch and dinner with her for a week straight.

Why would any of that be your concern even if you did want her there?

Will the kids want to go without you?

Why has he even asked her?

Well I wouldn't be going or packing or organising anything.

It's now his holiday to sort out!

GabriellaMontez · 30/05/2022 09:02

"Im not coming" let that sink in.

user1471538283 · 30/05/2022 09:02

I would tell him that I wouldn't be going. He can take his DM and the DC and you will go elsewhere even on your own.

If you go with her and your DC you've essentially got another child to look after.

Genevieva · 30/05/2022 09:03

Add up the cost of his two trips away and set it aside as your holiday fund. Decide what you want to do with it, with whom and when, then inform him of your plans once booked. This might mean you going away with the kids without him. It might be a trip with friends or your own mum / sibling. Whatever you want. If it means there is no money for a family holiday then so be it.