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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband to fuck off

333 replies

cinq · 29/05/2022 23:13

I work full time as does my husband. We have 2 DC ages 9 and 5. My husband works away a lot so I have the responsibility of my own job as well as all the childcare and housework which is fine but tiring.

He’s been away on a boys trip recently and is scheduled to go on another one in a few weeks. Again, I don’t have a problem with this - we can afford it and it’s not a problem.

Here’s where I do have a problem. We are planning to go on holiday in December just after Christmas and I’ve been told by him that my MIL is joining us. I haven’t been asked - I’ve been told.

my MIL is fine in small doses but a week with her I dont think I can manage with snidey comments and just her generally being unpleasant.

i don’t want to say I’m devastated- it’s a first world problem - but I work all year, haven’t been on holiday since before the pandemic and now I’ll be on edge for a week and be spending a fortune for the privilege.

I’ve been clear with my husband that I don’t want to go with her but nothing is really sinking in with him. He just says we won’t have to do it again. I don’t want to do it at all!!!!

AIBU to tell him to just fuck off?

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/05/2022 07:15

My kids would be gutted if they had a week with MIL instead of me. DH is competent, but he would find it difficult to juggle the needs of MIL and the children. If you can have an equivalent holiday at Easter (and can afford the price and time off) I’d be inclined to postpone the family holiday and let him do what he wants. Otherwise, he needs to tell her no.

MsEverywhere · 30/05/2022 07:17

You husband sounds selfish and unappreciative of what you do for him. You are facilitating the career he wants by taking on all the childcare and domestic work whilst he works away. That’s a big load when you work full time too. Then at a time for you to relax more as a family he brings MIL whom you don’t like along? Nah, he doesn’t get what you do or appreciate it.

I hope when he is around he takes over ALL the child and house related chores for AT LEAST the length of time he has been away? If he does not, he’s a selfish git taking the piss!

TheHaka · 30/05/2022 07:22

Tell him to take her on the boys trip instead.

MichelleScarn · 30/05/2022 07:25

Is she paying for herself to come or an added expense to your holiday?
Even if she was paying, its still ridiculous of them to think this is OK!

Portiasparty · 30/05/2022 07:28

This is very enlightening about how he sees you OP.

His real holidays, where he spends his fun times are with his mates. He wouldn't take his mum on those, would he? It shows that his mates are a higher priority than you in his view. You are there to man the fort, look after the house and kids, while he lives his best life, working away and having his lads hols when he feels like it.

I'm just extricating myself after way too long with one of those. I waited far too long because I kidded myself he really loved and respected me. Once your eyes are opened you can't shut them again.

ChimChimeny · 30/05/2022 07:28

Sid077 · 30/05/2022 00:30

If it were me I would go, aside from having serious words with dp that if he ever does this again you simply won’t go, set very strict boundaries your mil is his guest and he needs to tend to her, keeping her company, cups of tea, dealing with complaints and basically everything mil related and don’t step in - let your dp deal with her. To me the irreparable damage to your relationship with mil and extended family is not worth it in this case, your dp invited her. Flowers

Nah don't do this because you just know you'd end up doing all the hosting anyway while he's doing sweet FA

AnuSTart · 30/05/2022 07:29

YANBU. This is bloody outrageous. Don't go. Enjoy some alone time. If you go it's tacit acceptance of him putting everyone else (her) first.
I'm getting stressed for you thinking about it!

IRunbecauseILikeCake · 30/05/2022 07:32

I get on really well with my MiL and I wouldn't want this! It's a holiday for you. Maybe he doesn't see it as a big deal as he's been gallivanting off on boys' holidays.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 30/05/2022 07:38

Nothappyatwork · 30/05/2022 07:03

Why would you inflict on the children if she such hard work that’s the one thing that used to wind me up with my ex is that if she came along he would basically allow her to treat the kids like shit and tended to complete lamb chop himself around her.

What a sexist comment. Why are you saying op is inflicting her mil on the children? What about the op made you think this was in any way op's decision?

Maytodecember · 30/05/2022 07:39

GreenClock · 30/05/2022 00:21

Unacceptable.

What were his reasons for inviting her?

This. My first thought was why ? Why does he want his mother there?

grapewines · 30/05/2022 07:39

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/05/2022 01:54

And there it is.

Lets line this up.

*He works away so you get the HUGE majority of house work and childcare/child wrangling. This is not evened up because he isnt home often or long enough.

*He gets his boys weekends away. This is not evened up because your friends are not available to do the same (probably married to equally selfish boors).

*The one holiday you get to relax he decides unilaterally that his mother his coming too without consulting you. He is ignoring your objections to this.

Sum total?

He doesnt give one single shiny shite about you. Or rather.....he doesnt until the day you leave and he realises that the cooker fairy, washer fairy, childcare fairy and half-of-the-bills fairy left with you.

I am sorry.

Show quote history

You should read this a few times, OP. It is spot on.

Time for a serious discussion with your husband.

Viviennemary · 30/05/2022 07:41

Under the circumstances then no she should not be coming. Say you will go another time with agreement. If he doesnt back down don't go.

icelollycraving · 30/05/2022 07:41

Perhaps tell him that whilst he’s had other holidays, you haven’t. You are the one holding the home together. You need this holiday and if he chooses to upset you over her, you and the dc won’t be going.

Ihearticecream · 30/05/2022 07:42

He’s got used to doing whatever he wants OP and letting you pick up the slack. He’s not bothered about ruining this holiday because he has his lads ones to look forward to.
I can guarantee he will buggar off as well on holiday leaving you to do everything.
Who booked the holiday? How did she miraculously get added?
I would be telling him in no uncertain terms that if she’s going you won’t be!
He really needs to start respecting you and you very very much need some me time!

TheUndoing · 30/05/2022 07:43

I’d tell him to find a way to disinvite her (without making you the bad guy) or I’d sadly be coming down with covid/a stomach bug right before the trip so that he and MIL have to take the kids and go without you. Then book a holiday of your choosing at another time so that he gets a dose of dealing with the kids.

Nothappyatwork · 30/05/2022 07:43

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 30/05/2022 07:38

What a sexist comment. Why are you saying op is inflicting her mil on the children? What about the op made you think this was in any way op's decision?

Show quote history

We’ve moved on from the OP to discussing the mother-in-law coming along with her precious son and those two having a lovely holiday apparently with the children, whilst the OP stays at home without her children.

Do keep up

MaggieFS · 30/05/2022 07:44

I'm fuming for you.

What your preference, that you still go as planned without MIL or he and she take the children and you can do your own thing (or work and do your own thing at a later more suitable date).

Really, I think those are the only two options and when you've chosen the one that works for you HE needs to sort it all out because HE created the mess.

MichelleScarn · 30/05/2022 07:45

ChimChimeny · 30/05/2022 07:28

Nah don't do this because you just know you'd end up doing all the hosting anyway while he's doing sweet FA

Show quote history

Agree, why is it not on the dh that the 'irreparable damage' is caused by his actions? Why should op have to remedy it or be the one at fault?

honeyrider · 30/05/2022 07:46

He has no respect for you and all that you do. He probably knows deep down that you'll object but when the time comes you'll go anyway and you'll be left doing the bulk of the hands on work on the holiday while he panders to his mother.

She's not going to be there to help but to have a holiday with her entitled son while you're there to do the running around after everyone.

He doesn't even put a stop to his mother's snide comments at you. She's more important to him than you.

Juniper68 · 30/05/2022 07:47

He hates you doesn't he?

I love my MIL but if DH planned this without discussing it with me I'd be taking him for a head scan.

Meraas · 30/05/2022 07:48

YANBU. But do something, don’t just accept it!

Petros9 · 30/05/2022 07:51

Maybe MIL is on her own, hasn't had a hol for ages and needs some tlc from her son?

If so, the plan would need to be discussed and agreed with OP before being offered to MIL.

It isn't a bad idea to do a kind thing for your parent, if you can both agree on it. Maybe MIL could look after DC, allowing OP and DH to have a break too.

StageRage · 30/05/2022 07:53

“I have spent xx weeks over the last two years (work it out, quote the actual number) working full time and doing single handed childcare while you work away. You will have had xxx nights holiday during that time with your mates, again while I take care of the kids. I simply will not now spend my holiday time with your mother. You had no right to do this without discussing it with me. If she comes I will not be accompanying you. And to be clear, I won’t be looking after the kids while you go with her either. Nor will I take the kids with me when I go on the holiday of my choice at a time of my choosing. So, either we have a lovely family holiday, you me and the kids, or You go with her and the kids and I will make my own arrangements at my own convenience. But make no mistake: if you choose to holiday with your Mum rather than me that will tell me all I need to know about our marriage”. All said very calmly ad with steel, will be far more effective than ‘fuck off’.

Topgub · 30/05/2022 07:53

Sounds like he walks all over you.

Why are you ok with him working away and leaving all the work to you and then going on multiple 'boys trips'

Fuck that.

Tell him no. End of

Traveller3367 · 30/05/2022 07:54

@cinq
If he's not getting the message then I'd warn him that you will book tickets for his mother to join him on his next boys holiday and see how he likes that😂
You can book the same flight and hotel for the same time haha