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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband to fuck off

333 replies

cinq · 29/05/2022 23:13

I work full time as does my husband. We have 2 DC ages 9 and 5. My husband works away a lot so I have the responsibility of my own job as well as all the childcare and housework which is fine but tiring.

He’s been away on a boys trip recently and is scheduled to go on another one in a few weeks. Again, I don’t have a problem with this - we can afford it and it’s not a problem.

Here’s where I do have a problem. We are planning to go on holiday in December just after Christmas and I’ve been told by him that my MIL is joining us. I haven’t been asked - I’ve been told.

my MIL is fine in small doses but a week with her I dont think I can manage with snidey comments and just her generally being unpleasant.

i don’t want to say I’m devastated- it’s a first world problem - but I work all year, haven’t been on holiday since before the pandemic and now I’ll be on edge for a week and be spending a fortune for the privilege.

I’ve been clear with my husband that I don’t want to go with her but nothing is really sinking in with him. He just says we won’t have to do it again. I don’t want to do it at all!!!!

AIBU to tell him to just fuck off?

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 30/05/2022 00:03

suggest he takes her on the next "boys trip" instead😂
Failing that, book a holiday just for you to give him some practice at childcare for when he takes them away with his mother in January

Natty13 · 30/05/2022 00:07

I love my MIL, she is everything you'd want in a MIL and more but I send my DH and kids to visit her without me once a year (she lives abroad). Let me tell you it is a TREAT. Even spending it at home doing no cooking cleaning or admin. Nothing apart from having long baths, eating whatever you want and reading books is better than going abroad and being stressed but you do have the option of taking yourself off for a break alone. Fully recommend it for peace and wellbeing.

My husband prob looks forward to me getting a week of solo time nowadays because I'm a much nicer person to be around after 😂which is what I'd tell your husband too - you can have a wife who is even more stressed and fed up than she already is or a wife who is relaxed, happy and zen - who would you rather live with for the next year?

Flatandhappy · 30/05/2022 00:11

Tell him you said no so you really don’t understand what part of that he didn’t understand. He needs to tell her it is no longer possible for her to come, you are not negotiating.

Moodycow78 · 30/05/2022 00:14

No no no, just say no and mean it, what's there not to understand. If he really wants to go then he can!

ScrambledSmegs · 30/05/2022 00:19

Nothing is sinking in with him because he doesn't want it to.

The only thing he will understand is if you make different plans that don't include him. Or his DM, obviously.

GreenClock · 30/05/2022 00:21

Unacceptable.

What were his reasons for inviting her?

greatblueheron · 30/05/2022 00:25

Stay home and book yourself into someplace you've always wanted to visit and have a quiet week.

Onynx · 30/05/2022 00:27

I would pack their bags for the holiday and wave them off. He will be horrified when he realises as he's leaving for the airport that you were serious & he's holidaying with the children and his mother but you had warned him you did not want mil coming....

Sid077 · 30/05/2022 00:30

If it were me I would go, aside from having serious words with dp that if he ever does this again you simply won’t go, set very strict boundaries your mil is his guest and he needs to tend to her, keeping her company, cups of tea, dealing with complaints and basically everything mil related and don’t step in - let your dp deal with her. To me the irreparable damage to your relationship with mil and extended family is not worth it in this case, your dp invited her. Flowers

Bollindger · 30/05/2022 00:32

Tell him it's a GREAT idea, and your going to LET him take the chiildren with his mum, and your going to stay home....

ElenaSt · 30/05/2022 00:36

No way would I go.

Even if she was the loveliest person in the world she most likely will have different needs and wants on the trip and may even prefer doing things at different times to you!

I would just let them all go and you stay at home or have a holiday yourself.

Bintymcbintface · 30/05/2022 00:41

Fuck the advice saying you stay home and pack them all off with her in tow, IT'S YOUR HOLIDAY!! Don't even tell your husband that she's not coming, tell her, say that the place you're staying won't accommodate an extra person in the room or hide her passport the night before and leave her stranded in the airport

Teddeh · 30/05/2022 00:44

YANBU. Even if you'd have been happy to have her along if he'd asked, it's a joint decision and it's unacceptable that he has made it alone. Assuming he has actually already invited her, it will be very difficult to come to a satisfactory solution without someone being hurt, inconvenienced, etc. I would want to know why he has done this and what he means by saying you won't have to do it again.

thenewduchessoflapland · 30/05/2022 00:46

Tell it's a fantastic idea shes taking your place on the holiday and will be helping him with the children;after all the times you've done everything alone whilst he's been away working or on a lads holiday what a lovely Christmas present it's going to be for you to have a week away at a spa to recharge your batteries and enjoy some "me" time.

ShirleyPhallus · 30/05/2022 00:47

OwlinaTree · 29/05/2022 23:20

I think inviting someone else to come on a family holiday should be a decision made together not landed on you.

Yep

NumberTheory · 30/05/2022 00:48

cinq · 29/05/2022 23:20

@Superslide i wish I could but no one else is available at that time of the year to go away.

my friends are all mothers with toddlers, young babies and/or pregnant.

im furious that my DH and MIL have agreed this behind my back. I cannot be bothered with the idea of having to make sure she’s not left out and eating breakfast, lunch and dinner with her for a week straight. It’s just not a holiday

You don't have to go that week. Work the week he's on holiday with MiL and the kids. Book something with a friend on a different week/fortnight and he can work, look after the kids and do the housework for a week or two without you, just as you frequently do for him.

In any case, tell him you aren't going. That's the main thing. By the sounds of it you will have a better time at home on your own.

JacquelineCarlyle · 30/05/2022 00:51

PriestessofPing · 29/05/2022 23:47

My answer if in a similar situation would be an absolutely not to MIL coming on holiday and i’d refuse to go if she did. I think it’s extremely selfish of your husband to land this on you without discussion and i’d be very annoyed with him. It shows such a lack of respect for you and your needs. He gets his time away how he wants but when it comes to your one holiday he doesn’t even care enough to consult you. What’s worse, when he knows for sure how unhappy you are with this idea (and let’s face it, he’d have had a fair idea before he told you) he disregards that. Why? Because what you need doesn’t matter.

This.

I'd feel strongly enough over this to leave (or at least seriously consider leaving him). He's so out of order. Definitely don't go.

Teasall · 30/05/2022 00:54

No is a complete sentence

redhoodred1 · 30/05/2022 01:00

JacquelineCarlyle · 30/05/2022 00:51

This.

I'd feel strongly enough over this to leave (or at least seriously consider leaving him). He's so out of order. Definitely don't go.

Show quote history

Is this a joke? You’re asking the woman to contemplate divorce over this? 😐😐😐😐

SaveMePlease · 30/05/2022 01:08

I posted to AIBU with a different dynamic in that my DW and MIL chat on the phone all the time and make plans without me (through Mumsnet I learnt about 'enmeshment'! I get frustrated that DW will ask her MIL to come around without consulting me properly or considering that I want some boundaries in terms of how often family come around. Your situation however, is really quite unbelievable and I wholeheartedly agree with the majority of the advice already given in that you should say no to MIL coming or book a separate holiday. If your DH is concerned about how that will go down with his mum then he should have considered that maybe, you'd want your first holiday in ages, to be with just your core family. Whilst I'm currently working through some very difficult enmeshment issues within my own relationship, I also know that my DW would never ever just ask her parents to come along on a holiday without properly discussing it with me.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/05/2022 01:14

Yeah, I wouldn't go on that holiday.
I'd sooner stay at home by myself than go.
In fact, I'd sooner stay at home with the kids than go! But since he's taking her, he can take the kids too and give you a complete break.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

When I first moved over to DH's home country, we had to stay with his mother for a bit. That was ok but hard - but hey, it was her house so you know, we had to play nice.

But when we moved into our own place, she was there Every Single Fucking Day. After a week or so of this I had to put my foot down and say No. 3 x a week MAX.

It's a lot better now, and in fact I rarely see her - the boys see her with their Dad far more, I just don't go along.

Midso · 30/05/2022 01:14

Firstly, ask him why he invited MIL. Is it to look after the kids so you and he can spend some quality time together?

Do you and DH ever go out anywhere together or is it him and his mates and you and the kids all the time?

If he can have boy’s holidays, you are entitled to have a break too. If not with friends, book a weekend just for yourself. Why should he have all the fun?

Sarah3587 · 30/05/2022 01:14

I’d tell him to fuck off. Book a holiday for yourself and some friends whilst you’re at it. No way should he be going on a ‘lads’ holiday that many times as a married man with children who also works away. He’s taking the chronic piss.
tell him to grow up and no mummy isn’t coming.

Original poster
cinq · 30/05/2022 01:15

He seems to think he can’t upset her feelings but mine are fair game.

i spent two hours with her on Saturday and couldn’t deal with her comments and general unpleasant which gets worse after a few drinks. A week will see me apoplectic with rage and no amount of all inclusive cocktails will help.

OP posts:
AnAfternoonWalk · 30/05/2022 01:31

Absolutely not. Tell him no way. Tell him he can book a separate “mum and son” holiday like he does with his friends. You’ve already planned this holiday to include immediate family and he did not even discuss bringing his mother with you. This would really upset me. No, no, no.

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