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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband to fuck off

333 replies

cinq · 29/05/2022 23:13

I work full time as does my husband. We have 2 DC ages 9 and 5. My husband works away a lot so I have the responsibility of my own job as well as all the childcare and housework which is fine but tiring.

He’s been away on a boys trip recently and is scheduled to go on another one in a few weeks. Again, I don’t have a problem with this - we can afford it and it’s not a problem.

Here’s where I do have a problem. We are planning to go on holiday in December just after Christmas and I’ve been told by him that my MIL is joining us. I haven’t been asked - I’ve been told.

my MIL is fine in small doses but a week with her I dont think I can manage with snidey comments and just her generally being unpleasant.

i don’t want to say I’m devastated- it’s a first world problem - but I work all year, haven’t been on holiday since before the pandemic and now I’ll be on edge for a week and be spending a fortune for the privilege.

I’ve been clear with my husband that I don’t want to go with her but nothing is really sinking in with him. He just says we won’t have to do it again. I don’t want to do it at all!!!!

AIBU to tell him to just fuck off?

OP posts:
Thehop · 30/05/2022 09:07

Portiasparty · 30/05/2022 07:28

This is very enlightening about how he sees you OP.

His real holidays, where he spends his fun times are with his mates. He wouldn't take his mum on those, would he? It shows that his mates are a higher priority than you in his view. You are there to man the fort, look after the house and kids, while he lives his best life, working away and having his lads hols when he feels like it.

I'm just extricating myself after way too long with one of those. I waited far too long because I kidded myself he really loved and respected me. Once your eyes are opened you can't shut them again.

This!

he’s had his fun with his mates, now he has to take the women away, keep the staff happy.

LittleBearPad · 30/05/2022 09:10

Tell him she goes or you do.

Why has he invited her?

Brefugee · 30/05/2022 09:10

He seems to think he can’t upset her feelings but mine are fair game.

Use those words to him.

And in your shoes? I would book myself a separate holiday, on my own doing something that i want to do, and wave DH, MIL and the offspring off on their holiday without a second thought (and he has to pack for himself and the DCs)

AchatAVendre · 30/05/2022 09:11

Just don't go. Either book your own holiday, with or without the kids as is your preference, and send him away with MIL, or enjoy your time at home.

Time to rebel against this bossy, controlling and selfish man.

TickTickTock · 30/05/2022 09:13

So what do you think you will do OP? It seems reasonable to me to talk to him about how you feel and ask him to tell his Mum that she can't come now- because he should have checked with your first and didn't!

If you go anyway please carve some time out for yourself while you're there. Book an excursion just for you!

I really hope you get the break you need

G0forit · 30/05/2022 09:15

Yanbu. He’s dumped it on you and refusing to listen. Tell him you are not going on a holiday together and he will have to amend the booking: it’s either your mil or you on the holiday. Do not negotiate. If he doesn’t do anything about it book yourself something for a few days so you leave the day before their departure.

BestDove · 30/05/2022 09:22

My DH pulled a similar trick a few years ago!! I remember him walking into the kitchen and saying “great, my mum’s agreed to come with us to [amazing expensive holiday destination]”!!

My face must have said it all, as he then immediately said “to help with the DC”. God knows what possessed him to think that would be the case, as she’s a pain in the ass when she’s even just visiting our house. No freaking way was I taking her on holiday. She’s so difficult!!

DH didn’t want to retract the invite, so I just refused to book the planned holiday and it became a “well, DC are little, probably best to leave it till next year”… which then became covid times.

She now mentions taking a holiday with us and I’ve suggested to DH that he takes the DC with them. So far it hasn’t happened 😂

toogoodforthisworld · 30/05/2022 09:24

I would in all honesty explain to my MIL that I would love her to come next time but this first time away with all of you needs to be just the 4 of you. DH obvs doesn't have the balls to do it. You need to play hardball. F that for a game of soldiers.

WimpoleHat · 30/05/2022 09:29

OwlinaTree · 29/05/2022 23:20

I think inviting someone else to come on a family holiday should be a decision made together not landed on you.

Spot on. I couldn’t agree more.

Regularsizedrudy · 30/05/2022 09:33

Why is it “fine” that your husband has been on 2 boys trips and you do all the housework and childcare? I would suggest it’s not fine and you have a huge amount of resentment which the MIL thing has brought to a head. Stop accepting the other crap.

DogsAndGin · 30/05/2022 09:34

YANBU

WhoopItUp · 30/05/2022 09:38

YANBU. And book yourself a holiday with friends (or solo) for October half term. Let him sort out childcare and have a week to yourself.

catscatscatseverywhere · 30/05/2022 09:39

He can go with mummy. Him saying "we won't have to do it again", but why do you have to do it at all?

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 30/05/2022 09:41

I wouldn’t go either OP. Take a stand now, otherwise there’s a risk that this could become an annual thing and/ she will expect to be included on every family holiday you go on.

And also, why should you lose out on holiday time with your children? Maybe arrange an alternative holiday for you and the children and then he can spend some one on one time with his precious mother…

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 30/05/2022 09:46

cinq · 30/05/2022 01:15

He seems to think he can’t upset her feelings but mine are fair game.

i spent two hours with her on Saturday and couldn’t deal with her comments and general unpleasant which gets worse after a few drinks. A week will see me apoplectic with rage and no amount of all inclusive cocktails will help.

I had this situation as well OP. My DH would pussy foot around her and was scared of upsetting her while I was expected to put up with her nasty comments.

In the end I realised we had reached a stalemate and wasn’t prepared to put up with it anymore so I made it clear what my position was and that I was not going to tolerate it anymore. She went into full denial mode (as expected) so I just don’t bother with her anymore.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 30/05/2022 09:49

Is this a joke? You’re asking the woman to contemplate divorce over this?

I suspect OP is considering something like that over his lack of discussion, his apparent belief that his solo decision is final, having blanked her when she wanted to talk and his refusal to hear what she is saying.

And this all on top of him being absent with work a lot I would imagine OP is currently simmering with resentment and trying very hard not explode at him. But actually what she might need to do to get through to him is to explode, to show just how angry this has made her.

If his response is to further shrug his shoulders, repeat "well, we do it now we won't have to do it again" and to not engage then yes, divorce might get mentioned. Why not?

Seems as though he makes decisions like a single man...

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 30/05/2022 09:53

Don't go. Let him go with his mum and the DC. You can either go somewhere else on your own or stay home. Either will be better than the holiday.

Theres no need to tell him to fuck off. Just tell him very firmly and clearly that the new plan doesn't suit you and so you won't be going. And mean it.

Kool4katz · 30/05/2022 09:54

His ‘boys weekends’ are not fine and you know it.

Do you think living in a nice house/nice area is sufficient payback for the way he undermines you and treats you like shit? I’m assuming your living conditions are amazing because why else would you put up with being treated as the nonentity housekeeper?

Honestly OP, you need to re-evaluate whether this relationship is working for you? At some point he will likely have an affair with a younger woman because the rest of the boxes are already ticked. ☹️

Bintymcbintface · 30/05/2022 09:56

Why are so many people telling OP to not go, she isn't the one that's the tag along. Tell MIL she isn't going, it's a long waited for and needed holiday and she isn't welcome, don't leave it up to DH to do this

billy1966 · 30/05/2022 09:59

@SamphirethePogoingStickerist too right it is the stuff that divorces are made off.

My husband worked away for a period and it is no laugh AND I wasn't working FT .......AND he wasn't taking weekends away either.

I wouldn't tolerate being told ANYONE was joining our family holiday without a full consultation.

This is deal breaker stuff.

He likes his little boys trips away but thinks he can dump his awful mother on the family holiday.

Not a chance a woman with any self respect would tolerate such treatment.

He sounds like a selfish arse.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 30/05/2022 10:02

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/05/2022 01:54

And there it is.

Lets line this up.

*He works away so you get the HUGE majority of house work and childcare/child wrangling. This is not evened up because he isnt home often or long enough.

*He gets his boys weekends away. This is not evened up because your friends are not available to do the same (probably married to equally selfish boors).

*The one holiday you get to relax he decides unilaterally that his mother his coming too without consulting you. He is ignoring your objections to this.

Sum total?

He doesnt give one single shiny shite about you. Or rather.....he doesnt until the day you leave and he realises that the cooker fairy, washer fairy, childcare fairy and half-of-the-bills fairy left with you.

I am sorry.

Show quote history

Yes, this.

Rosehugger · 30/05/2022 10:02

I've been on holiday with in-laws and DH with my parents but we weren't in each other's pockets on the holiday, they helped out with the kids when they were small and it was very much an easier holiday than just the two of us being there with small children. But if you don't get on and also haven't discussed in then no way should this just be foisted on you.

billy1966 · 30/05/2022 10:03

@Kool4katz, completely agree.

A man so disengaged from his family is most likely playing away already or soon will be.

OP would be well advised to be discreetly getting a firm grip of copies of all financials.

JacquelineCarlyle · 30/05/2022 10:07

Sadly I think you're right @billy1966

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 30/05/2022 10:09

I adore my in laws and like holidaying with them. But there was one holiday they suggested and I sat Dh down and said as bluntly as I could that the holiday proposed would be a fucking nightmare with 3 dc and I wasn't going. He could solo. I'd do one or 2 days max if we went somewhere else just us for the rest of it. And I was extremely blunt to the point of rudeness- and I adore his Dm. (Issues we're around the proposed hotel, the time of year and the weather, ages of the kids, age profile of everyone else etc etc etc) he tried to say it would be fine and I was like ok cool tell me how you'd work around this - nothing vague I want specifics.

I'd need seriously grovelling to be talked around to this holiday if I were you. And I'd need a clear plan of how he was going to manage everything because I would be a guest on this holiday- no packing, no booking, nothing. And I'd also need the reservation details of the holiday he'd booked to compensate me missing out on my planned holiday.

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